Chapter 5: Amarant
The next day in Burmecia…
Zidane: Ok then everyone ready? Let's board the 'Sky Goddess' and get out of this dump!
Random Burmecian: Hey!
Dagger: Nah, let's continue our journey on foot.
Zidane: What? Why would we do that when we've got a snazzy airship which can travel the world in a matter of nanoseconds?
Dagger (forcefully): Because I want to.
Zidane: Ok dear.
Dagger sets off towards the city's exit.
Steiner/Freya/Vivi: (all three make a whipping noise accompanied by a whipping hand motion)
Zidane: Shut up.
*****
A few hours later…
Freya: Methinks we are lost my Badly Dressed Companions.
Vivi: YO YO YO! Big Daddy V most definitely agreein' with the screwy rat-chick.
Dagger: We are not lost. And what did I tell you about using that stupid name?
Steiner: At least we're lost in a nice, safe place…
Pan out to reveal that the Fantastic Five are lost in the most foreboding dark woods ever seen anywhere, uh…ever. It makes the Evil Forest look…slightly less evil…in comparison.
Zidane: You know, if this were a cartoon, the baddie would pop out right about…NOW!
Almost as if on cue, a Mysterious Figure leaps out of a bush and challenges the Quartet of Justice!
All: GASP!
We now go into Battle Mode. Dagger ATP bar fills up first so she starts the combat off.
Dagger: I summon Ark!
The camera pans up to focus on the heavens as a ship blasts out of the void. All well and good save for the fact that it isn't Ark. It is in fact an Earth style purple and black jet with twinned purple insignia on either wing. As it flies it transforms into a robot very much unlike Ark. Dagger squints up at him.
Dagger: You're not Ark! Who the hell are you?!?
Skywarp: The name's Skywarp, luv. I'm standing in for Ark while he's away on…uh, business.
Cut to a party about three hundred miles away where Ark has his arm around an attractive femmebot.
Ark: Why yes I DO happen to know Metroplex personally…
Cut back to the battle.
Dagger: I don't care what kind of business he's on! I WANT MY ARK!
Skywarp: But I'm just as good as he is! Look, (shows off his arm cannons), null rays!
Dagger: I don't care! You're not Ark and that's all that matters!
Skywarp (under his breath): Ungrateful little brat…
Dagger: WHAT?!?!?!
All: Uh-oh…
Dagger (raising her voice to ultra-sonic levels): *(&*&^*%^&%^&$%^$%^£$!
The force of the cursing causes Skywarp to burst into flames and fall out of the sky.
Skywarp: I REGRET NOTTHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNGGG!
He crashes a distance away.
Dagger: Well, that was unexpected. (she looks over at the Mysterious Figure, now unconscious on the ground) But at least only our enemies were hurt.
Steiner: MY EARS JUST FELL OFF!!!!
*****
Five minutes and much gluing on later…
Zidane: Now then, let's see who our assailant is.
Zidane removes the Mysterious Figure's mask (he was a Masked Mysterious Figure doncha know) to reveal…
Zidane/Steiner/Dagger/Vivi: AMARANT!
Freya: BOB MARLEY!
Amarant (suddenly regaining consciousness): Yes it is I, Amarant Coral, though I have many names…
Dagger: I'm sure you do. Why did you attack us?
Amarant: I didn't know it was you. I forgot to add eyeholes to my mask.
Freya: Lo, thy excuse be flimsier than Selphie Tilmitt's entire wardrobe.
Amarant (thinking): She insulted me! Must think up devastating and witty comeback…
Amarant (out loud): Is not!
Amarant (thinking): Swish!
Vivi: YO YO YO! Big Daddy V wants to know why you tried to lay the smackdown on our well-toned asses!
Amarant: Well, you see this is my fourth attempt at a career…
Cut now to a montage of Amarant trying his hand at various jobs. In his first job he is seen trying to deep-fry a customer who didn't like his serving technique, in the second he's running from twelve Siberian tigers whose cage he was cleaning and in the third he's a surgeon in the middle of an operation.
Amarant: HA! I've done it! I've successfully managed to transfer the head of a rare Conde Petite Sea Lion onto the body of a 26-year-old human male!
Nurse: But…doctor, you were only supposed to give this man liposuction.
Amarant: Was I? (goes even whiter than normal) Ah yes…well, I'll fix this just after I've gotten something from my car. Excuse me…
Amarant calmly walks out of the operating theater. Once out, he goes from walking to running. A minute or two later a car can be heard starting up and driving away at high speed.
Nurse: …I don't think he's coming back.
Cut back to the gang in the Eviler Forest.
Amarant: …and at that point highwayman seemed like a good career choice.
Zidane: Oooooookkkkaaaayyyyy…anyway, how would you like to join us in our quest to retrieve the Eye of Losstarot?
Amarant: The Eye of Losstarot you say? How much is it worth?
Freya: FOOL! Ye would put a price on saving the world from the nefarious Dr. Sebastian D. Lunatic?!?
Amarant: …Huh?
Dagger: Long story, tell you later. Are you in or out?
Amarant: Hmmm…in.
Zidane: Good. Now what say we camp down for the night and-
Amarant: NIGHT?!?!? (looks at his watch) Oh no, I've got to leave!
Steiner: Huh? Why?
Amarant (writhing slightly): Must…go! I can't let you see my horrible horrible secret!
Vivi: What?!
Amarant: Uh, I mean…I can't let you see my horrible horrible secret!
And with that Amarant runs off.
Zidane: Oh well, at least things can't get any weirder.
Cut to a bush a small distance away where Gas-O is spying on the gang.
Gas-O: That's what YOU think Zidane! In fact, thing's are about to get weird…TO THE EXTREME!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
Dagger: Someone's in that bush a small distance away!
Gas-O: D'OH!
To be continued…