Chapter 6: Eiko

When last we left our heroes in the Eviler Forest, they were just about to discover Gas-O lurking in a bush! Find out what they'll do to him…right now!

Gas-O: Ok, ok, stay calm, maybe they'll just dismiss me as a squirrel if I stay perfectly still…

Steiner: C'mon everybody! Let's hack and slash that bush and whatever's in it to pieces! Even if it's just a squirrel it means we'll eat well tonight!

All: YEAH!

Gas-O: Ah damn it!

Realizing that his cover was blown Gas-O leapt out of his bush to the accompaniment of the second best Bust-A-Groove song ever, Chemical Love.

Vivi: YO YO YO! ROCK DA HOUSE! (gets his groove on)

Dagger: Stop that! (smacks Vivi, then turns to Gas-O) Who are you? And where the hell is that music coming from?

Gas-O: Err…well, I can answer that in one clear, concise word…

Quick as a flash Gas-O reached behind his back and whipped out his control pad.

Gas-O (pushing the buttons): YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAA!!!

The Fabulous Five stared at Gas-O for a moment, then as one peered upwards at the rapidly approaching whistling sound above them. They didn't even have time to look shocked as the tubes slammed down on top of them, immersing them in a green gunky liquid.

Gas-O: I-I did it…I DID IT! I BEAT THE FF9 HEROES!! WOO! GO ME!!!

Gas-O prances off laughing at his triumph, leaving the gang trapped in the tubes.

Everyone (thinking): This bites…

*****

In a field just outside the Eviler Forest lies Skywarp, badly damaged after Dagger's verbal attack but still alive. After a few seconds of silence a large octopus wraps his tentacles around the bot and drags him off, smiling a maniacal smile. A brief peek at his tentacles reveals that he has purple skin.

Octopus: Uhee hee hee…

*****

The next morning the gang are exiting the Eviler Forest and heading towards a town in the distance. Amarant is there with them and is the only one not covered with gunk. As the team continued to walk Zidane slowed down and fell in line with the lagging warrior.

Zidane: We could have used your help last night.

Amarant: Just be glad I saved you the following morning.

They walk on for a second longer in a sullen silence before a look of concern crosses the Genome's face.

Zidane: Amarant…is there something wrong?

Amarant: …

Zidane (putting a hand on Amarant's shoulder): Look, if there's something bothering you, you know you can come to us right? We're your friends. No matter what it is, we can get you through it, OK? You just have to open up to us.

Amarant looks up at Zidane. Although his eyes are hidden by the swarm of red lice infesting the top of his head, you can see a sort of happy relief cross his features. Summoning the required courage, Amarant opened his mouth to talk about the horrible, horrible nighttime secret which had plagued his very soul for so long.

Zidane: OOH! A FWUFFY KAWAII SQUIRREL!!!!!

Amarant's mouth slowly closes as he watches Zidane chase the unfortunate rodent around nine trees, giggling all the while. Suddenly…

Dagger: YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!!!

As one the rest of the gang crowded around Dagger as she stared at the city's welcoming sign which read:

Welcome to Burmecia! Crime free for 6 minutes now!

Steiner: What the…?

Dagger: How the hell did we end up back here ?!? For god's sake I left a trail of Yum Yum Potato Chips behind us so we wouldn't end up getting turned around!

Dagger's rant is cut off by a crunching noise. Turning around the gang gazed at Amarant as he guiltily ate the last chip.

Amarant: Were they meant to be markers? I thought I had gotten lucky.

Dagger (thinking): Must…control…fist…of…death…!

Zidane: Look, why don't we just use the Sky Goddess? It would certainly be easier than walking back into that forest.

Dagger (sighing): Fine…

The Sinister Six walk into Burmecia only to find it eerily deserted. As one they whip out their respective weapons.

Zidane: Okay everyone stay on your toes. Who knows what we could be facing.

The Super Sextuplets walk on until they reach the Burmecian Cineplex (yes you read correctly) where the entire town has gathered for a film premiere.

Zidane: Good gravy, what an anti-climax…

Sheathing their weapons the gang join the massive crowd just as a spokesperson walks out on the hastily built stage.

Spokesperson: And now ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for! The star of "Betsy McCute and the Fwuffy Wittle Aliens of Kawaii 9", give it up for…EIKO CAROL!!!

The entire crowd erupts in a frenzy of cheering and clapping as Eiko walks out clad in her old gear but now with a fur coat nine sizes too big and a pair of fun sized sunglasses.

Eiko: HELOOOOOOO BURMECIA!!

Burmecians: HELOOOOOO EIKO!!

Dagger (to Zidane): Are you seeing a pattern here?

Zidane: You mean how we've managed to find almost the entire team in the one place? Yeah I have. In fact, it's almost as if we're being manipulated by a fanfiction author with far too little imagination to have us meet them elsewhere…

Zidane and Dagger stare at each other for a moment before bursting out with laughter.

Both: YEAH RIGHT!

*****

Afterwards…

Eiko: Dr. Sebastian D. Lunatic?

Freya: Verily. The fiend would command entire schools of helpless mackerel to do his evil bidding lest we stop him.

Eiko glances at Dagger, who makes the international sign of 'humor her'.

Eiko: Okay, I'm in. When do we leave?

Steiner: What about the film premiere?

Eiko: I wasn't going to go in anyway. Health reasons.

Amarant: Health reasons?

Eiko: Mmm-hmm. Take a look at this.

Eiko shifts through a pile of movie posters and pulls out one depicting her new movie. It's sickeningly cute: Eiko is seen prancing in a filed with big eyed insanely Kawaii aliens and forest creatures as a smiley face sunbeams down on them. The gang stiffen as one as they stare at it.

All: ACK!

Eiko: Y'see, the film is so overloaded with sugary cuteness that just gazing at the promotional poster leads to a massive rise in blood sugar levels. Half the people who watched the film postproduction ended up with diabetes. The people in there now had surgery to fit cuteness filters into their eyes. I'm too young to have them.

Eiko stops talking as she notices the gang are standing stock still with odd little expressions on their faces.

Eiko: Um…are you guys all right?

Zidane: Us? We're fine, fine…say, you wouldn't happen to know where the nearest hospital is do you?

To be continued…

Next week: Yet another character from a completely different form of entertainment marks the FF9 Krew as her enemy! PLUS! The purple octopus is revealed as…GUESS WHOOOO?