FINAL FANTASY VIII: BRIDGES
by Corvus
PART FIVE
For some reason Xu couldn't fathom, Balamb Garden had been constructed with two small exterior observation decks on the second level of the main structure, one on each flank. The deck on the eastern side lay directly off one of the convention halls which lined that portion of the ring. To the west, the deck on which Xu now stood was accessed through an unassuming door in the classroom hall.
This observation deck had seen a lot of historical events. When the Garden had crashed into the side of Fisherman's Horizon at the end of its legendary first flight, this had been the gate to that remarkable shantytown. From here the White SeeDs had taken Ellone. Here was the last time she had ever seen Raven Argent.
(Why am I thinking of him at a time like this?) she wondered as she gazed out over the night-blackened forests to the west of Balamb Garden. (As if I don't have enough to worry about...) Perhaps her subconscious had finally exhausted itself over Fujin. Xu didn't think she had a single tear left. (So why him?)
That final conversation came to her mind unbidden. She'd come upon Raven standing here much like she was now. For several minutes he hadn't spoken, and though Xu was not normally wont to intrude upon another's thoughts, she'd finally asked him why he was leaving when SeeD needed him the most. She remembered the look of weariness on his face when he turned to look at her, like all the troubles in his life had chosen that precise moment to crash down on him. (I probably look the same right now.) He couldn't fulfill his duties, Raven had told her, there was just too much pain. He'd paused, like he was unsure if he should continue, leave or fling himself from the observation deck, an then told her quite unexpectedly that in the battle against Galbadia Garden, he'd killed a fellow SeeD.
Xu was never able to accurately recall anything of the conversation after that. She remembered that Raven had described the event in detail, but something in her mind blocked her from ever recalling precisely what he'd said. Something about going berserk, as if under the effects of a skill Ifrit was known to teach to its long-time Junctioned companions... (But Ifrit had never been his Guardian Force. He'd been Junctioned to Quetzacoatl for years, and then he found that... What did he call it? Morrigan?) The odd stone he'd worn around his neck had been black, but reflected a rainbow like oil on pavement. Maybe this Morrigan had given him that same battle-rage. There was just no way to be sure; no one had ever heard of a Guardian Force by that name.
Perhaps, had it not been for the pain he felt over Quistis and a multitude of other things that he'd never explained, Raven might have stayed. Accidents happened, even terrible ones. The Garden had excellent counselors and, given Raven's exemplary record as a SeeD and an Instructor and his reputation as a good man, there was no reason to believe anyone would ever have blamed him for the death. But the incident was just the final straw that broke the chocobo's back, as the Galbadian expression went. Raven had bid her farewell and left some time that night, never to be seen or heard from again.
At first Xu had been angry. Quistis had walked around in a daze after hearing the news that her closest friend had abandoned her. Xu had even railed at Cid, her explosion of outrage making the Headmaster flinch. How could he have accepted Raven's resignation in the middle of a war? How could he have let the man steal away in the middle of the night, leaving everyone who cared about Raven to stare at the gaping hole that was left behind? Did the Headmaster even care about the impact?
That outburst had left Xu with a further shock -- until then, she hadn't realized that her anger was covering a sense of personal betrayal. In the time she'd known Raven Argent, she'd come to regard the weapon Instructor very highly and count on his presence. In her personal concern for Quistis and professional concern for SeeD, Xu had completely missed the fact that... she cared.
It had taken a long time for the anger and hurt to fade, mostly because the shock had left Quistis in a shambles but partly because Raven had been one of the few xiong-jin Xu had thought would give the Lin Ren elders pause. Now, it all just seemed a terrible shame; a good man had been broken. Quistis had recovered relatively quickly, mostly due to the new friendships she had forged during the War. Still, sometimes, Xu wondered what had become of the man she had once called friend. Times like this.
Behind Xu, the door opened, as she knew it eventually would. She drew in a calming breath and turned to apologize to Quistis--
--and came face-to-face with Raijin.
Xu had never had much contact with the large bronze-skinned man, but she knew he was Fujin's best friend, a friend so close that her sister considered Raijin to be family. She felt no animosity toward Raijin; that she saved for Seifer Almasy. "Hello," she said softly.
"Hi... Didn't mean to interrupt ya, sorry." Raijin turned to go, then stopped at Xu's gentle protest.
"You're not interrupting. I could use the company," admitted Xu. "Please, join me." He looked at her uncertainly, then shuffled out onto the observation deck and over to the railing. "Are you holding up okay?" she asked him.
"Yeah," he replied. "The Doc's doin' her best. It'll be all right."
Xu nodded her agreement, but was certain he wasn't completely reassured. Spirits knew she wasn't. "How was your day in the Garden?"
"Better than I thought it would be. Thought people would be poundin' on me soon as I showed up, ya know? Made some new friends. Think I managed to clear the air with Quistis Trepe. Squall says he's lettin' me back into SeeD. Pretty good day, ya know?"
(Letting him back into SeeD? Does that mean...) "What did Squall say about Fujin?"
Raijin shrugged a fraction. "Don't see no reason he wouldn't let her back in too. He didn't say anythin' otherwise."
"That's..." (Wonderful? Amazing? A load of Malboro tentacles?) "...very good to hear. So you're settled in, then?" she asked.
He nodded once. "Yeah. Got my own room. Squall said he's gonna give me a job pretty soon." After a short pause, Raijin looked over at Xu and inquired, "How're you doin'?"
(What should I tell him?) she wondered. (Should I just tell the truth? Or should I act strong so he won't worry?) It was a difficult choice. "I'm doing as well as can be expected. I know how close you and Fujin are, so I think you can probably understand what I'm feeling right now."
"Yeah. Oh, hell yeah. Makes ya feel like you're gonna go outta your head, don't it."
Xu decided that moment that she would definitely have to get to know this man better. He was obviously insightful, and Fujin had to have seen something worthwhile in him. "It does indeed."
"What were you thinkin' about?" he asked, as if to change the subject to something less painful.
Xu leaned against the railing once more as she replied. "Someone I... used to know. A friend." Raijin didn't press for more information, and they shared silence for a time. Then, out of curiosity, Xu wondered, "Did you ever meet Raven Argent? He was a SeeD here before the War."
"Name sounds familiar..." said Raijin. "Oh, yeah, he was one of Seifer's trainers, I think. Never met the guy myself."
Something was biting into the palm of Xu's left hand. She looked down to discover that the hand had clenched into a tight fist out of pure reflex to hearing Seifer's name, and her nails were digging into her own flesh. She took several measured breaths and opened the hand. (What would your sifu say if they saw you acting so thoughtlessly?) she asked herself. (Have you spent too much time among the xiong-jin? Are you becoming one of them?) "I didn't know him very well," she spoke aloud. "He was much closer to Quistis. I don't know why I was thinking about him."
"I guess it's good to think about friends when things get tough. Helps ya get along, ya know?" The large man turned his head to look at Xu. "Hey, um... can I ask you somethin'?"
"Certainly," she replied.
"You're not... uh... mad at me, are ya?"
"Angry with you?" asked Xu. "Whatever for?"
Raijin rubbed his chin nervously as he explained, "For the stuff that went down before. Fujin leavin' the Garden with me and Seifer, ya know, all that mess."
"Of course not." Xu shook her head firmly. "You didn't take Fujin away from Balamb Garden. Seifer did."
"What do ya mean?"
"She cared about him like she cares about you, and Seifer abused that trust, deceived her and led her down a path of self-destruction--"
"Dammit," Raijin interrupted, his voice full of frustration. "It's like none of ya ever knew Seifer at all. You all make him out to be some kinda devil, ya know? And he wasn't like that. He had big dreams, wanted to make somethin' of himself. People kept pullin' him down. He got upset, ya know? You remember what you said to him after the Dollet mission against Galbadia? I remember. It hurt him really bad." Xu was taken aback by the conviction that the powerful man displayed of Seifer Almasy's inherent goodness. She did indeed remember what she'd said that day, and she still believed it. Seifer would never make it as a SeeD. "Kick somebody enough and he'll kick back."
Incredulous, she fired back, "So you're saying we're to blame for him deserting SeeD and becoming Knight to the Sorceress who tried to conquer the entire world? For being a bully and a braggart, for being completely unable to follow orders? You're saying we made him a bloodthirsty traitor who would destroy millions of lives to satisfy his own craving for glory?" When Raijin didn't respond she added, "Seifer was a troublemaker from the time he arrived. You're right, I don't know much about him, but what I do know tells me very clearly that he is not someone I would turn my back on. Ever. No, Raijin, I'm not angry with you, because I can see my sister was right about you. You're a good man who got in a bad situation, and I believe you didn't know the full scope of what you were doing. Seifer walked into that situation with his eyes wide open and he dragged Fujin along for the ride."
Raijin protested, "We didn't have to go with him."
"Sometimes when the people we call family do bad things, we don't act logically," said Xu. "That includes turning our backs and following those people into danger. Not once did I ever condemn Fujin for following Seifer, because I knew how important he was to her. He..." She stopped, horrified by the words that waited on her tongue to be released. Was it true? Looking back, it had to be. "He was more family to her than I was. I was so wrapped up in being a SeeD that I... I left her to make her own way." (Spirits protect me from my own folly. Is this all my fault?) "We used to be inseperable, Raijin. She must have needed something to fill the hole. You and Seifer were it."
"Fu was proud of you," Raijin told her gently. "You were her hero, ya know? She never thought you abandoned her. She tried so hard to be like you."
"I..." Xu couldn't form words. (What does that mean? Is it my fault? Am I blaming Seifer to transfer my own guilt?) She turned her gaze heavenward to search the stars for an answer, but they were hidden by the brilliance of the glowing ring hovering over Balamb Garden.
Raijin turned around and propped his elbows on the railing. "We were a posse, yeah. I guess you got it right, about family. I guess you're right about Seifer bein' a troublemaker, too. But can ya try to maybe remember that nobody's perfect?"
"This goes beyond being imperfect," Xu said flatly. "But I see your point. I ask only one thing."
"What's that?"
She told him, "If I try to see some good in Seifer Almasy, to consider that I am blinded to some spark of decency in him because of my anger, to even begin to think about forgiving him for nearly ruining Fujin's life, then I ask that you consider that perhaps you are blinded to the darkness in his soul because of your friendship."
Raijin was silent for some time, considering this. Xu studied his face, trying to gauge his internal struggle. She didn't want to alienate the man, not now. But there was no way she was going to buy Raijin's tale about Seifer without doing her best to lift the veil she saw over the large man's eyes in return.
"Okay," he said finally. "I guess I can do that."
"Thank you," Xu replied. "I promise I will try. If we're going to be friends, I need to accept that Seifer was as big a part of your life as he was of Fujin's." Raijin looked at her and blinked a few times; he obviously hadn't been expecting that. "I'm going to go to the Infirmary. I know it's late, but I think Dr. Kadowaki will understand. Do you want to come with me?"
"I was just there," Raijin told her. "I think I'm gonna go get some sleep. Been a long day, ya know?"
Xu nodded her agreement. That, indeed, it had been. "Sleep well, Raijin."
"G'night." He pushed off the railing and made his way back into the Garden. Xu looked up at the light-blanked night sky and whispered a short prayer to the spirts of nature and her ancestors, asking them for guidance. She felt a little better for having talked with Raijin, but much was still uncertain. Putting Raven Argent and Seifer Almasy firmly out of her mind, she left the observation deck. It had been a long day, and there was a long night ahead.
by Corvus
PART FIVE
For some reason Xu couldn't fathom, Balamb Garden had been constructed with two small exterior observation decks on the second level of the main structure, one on each flank. The deck on the eastern side lay directly off one of the convention halls which lined that portion of the ring. To the west, the deck on which Xu now stood was accessed through an unassuming door in the classroom hall.
This observation deck had seen a lot of historical events. When the Garden had crashed into the side of Fisherman's Horizon at the end of its legendary first flight, this had been the gate to that remarkable shantytown. From here the White SeeDs had taken Ellone. Here was the last time she had ever seen Raven Argent.
(Why am I thinking of him at a time like this?) she wondered as she gazed out over the night-blackened forests to the west of Balamb Garden. (As if I don't have enough to worry about...) Perhaps her subconscious had finally exhausted itself over Fujin. Xu didn't think she had a single tear left. (So why him?)
That final conversation came to her mind unbidden. She'd come upon Raven standing here much like she was now. For several minutes he hadn't spoken, and though Xu was not normally wont to intrude upon another's thoughts, she'd finally asked him why he was leaving when SeeD needed him the most. She remembered the look of weariness on his face when he turned to look at her, like all the troubles in his life had chosen that precise moment to crash down on him. (I probably look the same right now.) He couldn't fulfill his duties, Raven had told her, there was just too much pain. He'd paused, like he was unsure if he should continue, leave or fling himself from the observation deck, an then told her quite unexpectedly that in the battle against Galbadia Garden, he'd killed a fellow SeeD.
Xu was never able to accurately recall anything of the conversation after that. She remembered that Raven had described the event in detail, but something in her mind blocked her from ever recalling precisely what he'd said. Something about going berserk, as if under the effects of a skill Ifrit was known to teach to its long-time Junctioned companions... (But Ifrit had never been his Guardian Force. He'd been Junctioned to Quetzacoatl for years, and then he found that... What did he call it? Morrigan?) The odd stone he'd worn around his neck had been black, but reflected a rainbow like oil on pavement. Maybe this Morrigan had given him that same battle-rage. There was just no way to be sure; no one had ever heard of a Guardian Force by that name.
Perhaps, had it not been for the pain he felt over Quistis and a multitude of other things that he'd never explained, Raven might have stayed. Accidents happened, even terrible ones. The Garden had excellent counselors and, given Raven's exemplary record as a SeeD and an Instructor and his reputation as a good man, there was no reason to believe anyone would ever have blamed him for the death. But the incident was just the final straw that broke the chocobo's back, as the Galbadian expression went. Raven had bid her farewell and left some time that night, never to be seen or heard from again.
At first Xu had been angry. Quistis had walked around in a daze after hearing the news that her closest friend had abandoned her. Xu had even railed at Cid, her explosion of outrage making the Headmaster flinch. How could he have accepted Raven's resignation in the middle of a war? How could he have let the man steal away in the middle of the night, leaving everyone who cared about Raven to stare at the gaping hole that was left behind? Did the Headmaster even care about the impact?
That outburst had left Xu with a further shock -- until then, she hadn't realized that her anger was covering a sense of personal betrayal. In the time she'd known Raven Argent, she'd come to regard the weapon Instructor very highly and count on his presence. In her personal concern for Quistis and professional concern for SeeD, Xu had completely missed the fact that... she cared.
It had taken a long time for the anger and hurt to fade, mostly because the shock had left Quistis in a shambles but partly because Raven had been one of the few xiong-jin Xu had thought would give the Lin Ren elders pause. Now, it all just seemed a terrible shame; a good man had been broken. Quistis had recovered relatively quickly, mostly due to the new friendships she had forged during the War. Still, sometimes, Xu wondered what had become of the man she had once called friend. Times like this.
Behind Xu, the door opened, as she knew it eventually would. She drew in a calming breath and turned to apologize to Quistis--
--and came face-to-face with Raijin.
Xu had never had much contact with the large bronze-skinned man, but she knew he was Fujin's best friend, a friend so close that her sister considered Raijin to be family. She felt no animosity toward Raijin; that she saved for Seifer Almasy. "Hello," she said softly.
"Hi... Didn't mean to interrupt ya, sorry." Raijin turned to go, then stopped at Xu's gentle protest.
"You're not interrupting. I could use the company," admitted Xu. "Please, join me." He looked at her uncertainly, then shuffled out onto the observation deck and over to the railing. "Are you holding up okay?" she asked him.
"Yeah," he replied. "The Doc's doin' her best. It'll be all right."
Xu nodded her agreement, but was certain he wasn't completely reassured. Spirits knew she wasn't. "How was your day in the Garden?"
"Better than I thought it would be. Thought people would be poundin' on me soon as I showed up, ya know? Made some new friends. Think I managed to clear the air with Quistis Trepe. Squall says he's lettin' me back into SeeD. Pretty good day, ya know?"
(Letting him back into SeeD? Does that mean...) "What did Squall say about Fujin?"
Raijin shrugged a fraction. "Don't see no reason he wouldn't let her back in too. He didn't say anythin' otherwise."
"That's..." (Wonderful? Amazing? A load of Malboro tentacles?) "...very good to hear. So you're settled in, then?" she asked.
He nodded once. "Yeah. Got my own room. Squall said he's gonna give me a job pretty soon." After a short pause, Raijin looked over at Xu and inquired, "How're you doin'?"
(What should I tell him?) she wondered. (Should I just tell the truth? Or should I act strong so he won't worry?) It was a difficult choice. "I'm doing as well as can be expected. I know how close you and Fujin are, so I think you can probably understand what I'm feeling right now."
"Yeah. Oh, hell yeah. Makes ya feel like you're gonna go outta your head, don't it."
Xu decided that moment that she would definitely have to get to know this man better. He was obviously insightful, and Fujin had to have seen something worthwhile in him. "It does indeed."
"What were you thinkin' about?" he asked, as if to change the subject to something less painful.
Xu leaned against the railing once more as she replied. "Someone I... used to know. A friend." Raijin didn't press for more information, and they shared silence for a time. Then, out of curiosity, Xu wondered, "Did you ever meet Raven Argent? He was a SeeD here before the War."
"Name sounds familiar..." said Raijin. "Oh, yeah, he was one of Seifer's trainers, I think. Never met the guy myself."
Something was biting into the palm of Xu's left hand. She looked down to discover that the hand had clenched into a tight fist out of pure reflex to hearing Seifer's name, and her nails were digging into her own flesh. She took several measured breaths and opened the hand. (What would your sifu say if they saw you acting so thoughtlessly?) she asked herself. (Have you spent too much time among the xiong-jin? Are you becoming one of them?) "I didn't know him very well," she spoke aloud. "He was much closer to Quistis. I don't know why I was thinking about him."
"I guess it's good to think about friends when things get tough. Helps ya get along, ya know?" The large man turned his head to look at Xu. "Hey, um... can I ask you somethin'?"
"Certainly," she replied.
"You're not... uh... mad at me, are ya?"
"Angry with you?" asked Xu. "Whatever for?"
Raijin rubbed his chin nervously as he explained, "For the stuff that went down before. Fujin leavin' the Garden with me and Seifer, ya know, all that mess."
"Of course not." Xu shook her head firmly. "You didn't take Fujin away from Balamb Garden. Seifer did."
"What do ya mean?"
"She cared about him like she cares about you, and Seifer abused that trust, deceived her and led her down a path of self-destruction--"
"Dammit," Raijin interrupted, his voice full of frustration. "It's like none of ya ever knew Seifer at all. You all make him out to be some kinda devil, ya know? And he wasn't like that. He had big dreams, wanted to make somethin' of himself. People kept pullin' him down. He got upset, ya know? You remember what you said to him after the Dollet mission against Galbadia? I remember. It hurt him really bad." Xu was taken aback by the conviction that the powerful man displayed of Seifer Almasy's inherent goodness. She did indeed remember what she'd said that day, and she still believed it. Seifer would never make it as a SeeD. "Kick somebody enough and he'll kick back."
Incredulous, she fired back, "So you're saying we're to blame for him deserting SeeD and becoming Knight to the Sorceress who tried to conquer the entire world? For being a bully and a braggart, for being completely unable to follow orders? You're saying we made him a bloodthirsty traitor who would destroy millions of lives to satisfy his own craving for glory?" When Raijin didn't respond she added, "Seifer was a troublemaker from the time he arrived. You're right, I don't know much about him, but what I do know tells me very clearly that he is not someone I would turn my back on. Ever. No, Raijin, I'm not angry with you, because I can see my sister was right about you. You're a good man who got in a bad situation, and I believe you didn't know the full scope of what you were doing. Seifer walked into that situation with his eyes wide open and he dragged Fujin along for the ride."
Raijin protested, "We didn't have to go with him."
"Sometimes when the people we call family do bad things, we don't act logically," said Xu. "That includes turning our backs and following those people into danger. Not once did I ever condemn Fujin for following Seifer, because I knew how important he was to her. He..." She stopped, horrified by the words that waited on her tongue to be released. Was it true? Looking back, it had to be. "He was more family to her than I was. I was so wrapped up in being a SeeD that I... I left her to make her own way." (Spirits protect me from my own folly. Is this all my fault?) "We used to be inseperable, Raijin. She must have needed something to fill the hole. You and Seifer were it."
"Fu was proud of you," Raijin told her gently. "You were her hero, ya know? She never thought you abandoned her. She tried so hard to be like you."
"I..." Xu couldn't form words. (What does that mean? Is it my fault? Am I blaming Seifer to transfer my own guilt?) She turned her gaze heavenward to search the stars for an answer, but they were hidden by the brilliance of the glowing ring hovering over Balamb Garden.
Raijin turned around and propped his elbows on the railing. "We were a posse, yeah. I guess you got it right, about family. I guess you're right about Seifer bein' a troublemaker, too. But can ya try to maybe remember that nobody's perfect?"
"This goes beyond being imperfect," Xu said flatly. "But I see your point. I ask only one thing."
"What's that?"
She told him, "If I try to see some good in Seifer Almasy, to consider that I am blinded to some spark of decency in him because of my anger, to even begin to think about forgiving him for nearly ruining Fujin's life, then I ask that you consider that perhaps you are blinded to the darkness in his soul because of your friendship."
Raijin was silent for some time, considering this. Xu studied his face, trying to gauge his internal struggle. She didn't want to alienate the man, not now. But there was no way she was going to buy Raijin's tale about Seifer without doing her best to lift the veil she saw over the large man's eyes in return.
"Okay," he said finally. "I guess I can do that."
"Thank you," Xu replied. "I promise I will try. If we're going to be friends, I need to accept that Seifer was as big a part of your life as he was of Fujin's." Raijin looked at her and blinked a few times; he obviously hadn't been expecting that. "I'm going to go to the Infirmary. I know it's late, but I think Dr. Kadowaki will understand. Do you want to come with me?"
"I was just there," Raijin told her. "I think I'm gonna go get some sleep. Been a long day, ya know?"
Xu nodded her agreement. That, indeed, it had been. "Sleep well, Raijin."
"G'night." He pushed off the railing and made his way back into the Garden. Xu looked up at the light-blanked night sky and whispered a short prayer to the spirts of nature and her ancestors, asking them for guidance. She felt a little better for having talked with Raijin, but much was still uncertain. Putting Raven Argent and Seifer Almasy firmly out of her mind, she left the observation deck. It had been a long day, and there was a long night ahead.