Chapter One

I know I shouldn't

Sydney Bristow.

The name brings so many feelings bubbling to the surface.

My first impression of her was that she was insane, certifiably so.  I quickly learned I was wrong.  Or am I?  Anyone who does what she does must have some sort of illness.  Or just a nice big death wish. 

Screw her.

The thought brings up more of those images that I shouldn't be having. 

After I'd moved past the insane part, I quickly realized that Sydney Bristow was no more insane then I only hurt and betrayed.  That's when things started to change between us.

I know I shouldn't have gone to the pier that night.  Even then I was attracted to her, even then when I was still with Alice, I still had thoughts about her.  About holding her and making the pain in her eyes go away, if only for a small moment in time.

Things went downhill from there.

Just when I realized that I loved her I don't quite know.  It took me awhile, years in fact.  But that didn't mean that the tension wasn't there all along.

And now.  Well, now we go through the motions.

Much as our relationship should have been all along.

This time it's Italy, Venice to be precise.  Next time, who knows?  Spain? Portugal? Zaire?  Timbuktu?  The moon? Mars? 

It really doesn't matter where it is.  She couldn't be farther from me then she is in this warehouse, with its chain link prison.  Our picket fence dream. 

I'd lost count of how many times I'd made love to her in this warehouse.  Well, made love to her in my mind.  In real life I'd never even gotten the opportunity to kiss her.

It's easier now.  Somewhere along the way we'd both decided that the tension between us was more then unhealthy, and that to continue with it would get us both killed.  So I'd called Alice up and she'd called Will.

And for a year or two we'd both pretended to be happily in love.  It had worked to a degree. 

What really sealed the deal and killed everything though was when Alice and I had taken that big step into wedded bliss. 

Our marriage lasted two years, I don't think Alice liked it when I slipped up and called out Sydney's name.

We'd ended up hurting more then ourselves with that one.  Will and Alice had both unwittingly been damaged as well.

But hey it worked to kill the tension. 

Sometimes I wished that I would have just thrown Sydney up against the wall and ended the tension that way.  But then things would be worse now I think.  Because it wouldn't have changed the fact that we still can't be together.  Not that she'd want me now.

So now she was going to Venice to retrieve some vaccine.  Nothing new, she'd done it a million times before, and just like those million times before she'd be switching it for a fake.

I wonder sometimes that we've made it this far, that SD-6 hasn't just terminated Sydney.  Even if they don't know she's working as a double agent, she's failed enough times to at least make them suspicious.  And though we've gotten her out of trouble like that before... Well it just amazes me that she's still here.

I hear her heels clicking in the distance as she enters the warehouse.  My heart doesn't leap or run faster when she enters a room anymore.  My eyes don't light up; my arms don't ache to pull her to me.  What would be the point in that anyway?

No I've gotten used to the idea that I can't have her and never will be able to.

I slip off my shoes as I enter the warehouse.

It's silly, I know this just as I know I shouldn't be doing what I am going to do, but I do it anyway.

Michael Vaughn.

There he is just sitting on one of those crates brooding.

I know he won't look up until he hears my shoes and that I'm relatively safe standing here watching him.  I know I should just turn around, slip my shoes back on, and continue with business as usual.

But it's been so long since I've been able to just stand and watch him and I've had an awful day so I allow myself the small moment in time.  It will have to last me for a while.

I can't risk him finding me watching him.  It would only cause trouble.

It isn't something I should be doing as his agent.  And we are hell bent on playing those parts.

We're fools.  We've been fools.  And if we last for seven more years we'll still be fools.

I let my eyes wander over his hunched over form.  My gaze is so heated its a wonder he doesn't just melt sitting there. 

It has to be this way though.  If he ever knew that I still had fantasies about him...

He still wears his wedding ring, though Alice has been gone a little over a year now.  I think he does it to remind himself.  Or to punish himself.

I don't know.  I don't know why they ended up getting a divorce but I do know he blames himself. 

I don't know much about him, not that I haven't wanted to learn.  But I'm his agent and he's my damn handler, we don't discuss personal things anymore.

I can see his sadness, his ache, the burden that weighs him down.  I just want to go to him and rub the hurt out of his shoulders.  Kiss the pain from his brow.  Whisper that it's ok.  That I still love him.

But what is the point in that.

We're right to play our roles.  They are all that we will ever have.

I turn around, walk back to the door, and slip my shoes on.

He looks up briefly as I enter.

"Did you ever watch cartoons when you were a kid?" I ask.  It's not much but it's something.  And I'll settle for whatever I can get from him.  Maybe I'll even get a rare smile.