Disclaimer: Dragonball Z not mine. That simple. Don't sue me…please!!
A/N: I got this idea while freezing to death watching an outdoor concert. It's set at the end-ish of GT (so really the disclaimer should say GT) before Goku leaves. I know the title kinda sucks…but this is a spur of the moment fic okay? (Meaning that the title is spur of the moment too…) Enjoy and review please!
~*~
'How can I tell her I have to leave again?' The tall saiya-jin stared at the floor, pacing nervously. 'After all this…' His gaze fell on the pictures decorating the walls. Gohan as a child, wearing that hat with the dragonball on it. Gohan and himself, laughing for the camera, identical grins on their faces. His wedding photo, a picture of Chi-Chi, holding Goten, one of Goten and Gohan, one of Goten and Trunks.
His gaze lingered the longest on his youngest son. Goten was going to hate him. He had to leave; this time he really had no choice. He hoped his son would understand. 'I've never really been there for you Goten, and I'm sorry.' He sighed softly. He had never been as close to Goten as he was with Gohan. Perhaps it was because he had missed out on his childhood, he hadn't been there when he was born, he hadn't been there for a lot of things. The silly but important stuff.
"Goku? What are you doing in here?" Chi-Chi was surprised to see the serious look on her husband's face.
"I came to say goodbye." He said softly, gaze dropping back to the ground.
She stared at him in shock, "What? Where are you going?" Not again… She didn't know if she could last another disappearance. "I just got you back…" She whispered sadly.
"Anata…" He searched for comforting words, but could find none. "I'm sorry." He said finally. "I don't have a choice this time Chi-Chi. You know I'd stay if I could."
Tears brimmed in her eyes. "I know." She said sorrowfully. There had been a time when she had wished that he would stop, just stop saving the world. Time and time again when she had needed him he hadn't been there. Why'd I have to fall in love with the hero? But he did it for her, for his family. She knew that now, she accepted it. She didn't like it, but she accepted it.
"I don't – I don't know if I'll ever be able to come back." He continued. A single tear slipped down her cheek and it hurt him to know this was causing her pain. Gently he reached up and brushed it away. He pulled her into a hug. "Aishiteru." He whispered softly.
She traced the wedding band around his finger. "I know, I love you too." She replied, then she kissed him.
~*~
He didn't know how long he'd been out here. He had gone home, just in time to hear his father tell his mother that he was leaving again. Then his anger had caused him to leave. How long would this keep happening? He thought of his older brother, happily married, he had everything he wanted, everything he would need.
What about me? All his life, he had struggled with his nii-chan's image. Son Gohan, the first to reach the second level of super saiya-jin, the one who achieved mystic form. Perfect scholar, good fighter. Then there was his father. The amazing Son Goku. He thought bitterly. His father had been saving the world for years, he was an amazing fighter, reaching super Goku four. It seemed like he had missed out on all of that. Sure, he'd reached super saiya-jin by the time he was five, but he hadn't gotten any further. He'd almost dropped out of high school, didn't go to collage, he was jobless and living at home.
There were times when he envied his brother. Gohan had it all. He had a father when he needed one. Gohan had grown up with a father around. Whereas the closest thing he had had to a father when he was growing up was Vegeta. He hadn't even known his father existed for years.
He and his father weren't close, far from it. Goten still held some resentment towards Goku for always being gone. He didn't understand how his father could just leave his family behind to train a stranger. I was right here dad. Did you think of training me? Wasn't I good enough?
Perhaps the space trip had been his one chance to really get to know his father. His one chance missed thanks to his niece. He didn't blame Pan. Truth was, he had felt almost relieved, a trip with his father to find the black star dragonballs, while it sounded exciting, it would have been awkward. Stuck in a small spaceship for days on end, with only his father and Trunks. He could talk to Trunks, but what would he have said to his father?
No, his father was an enigma to him. What man valued fighting more than his family? Even Vegeta showed concern for his family when they were in danger. While the saiya-jin side of him screamed for battle, his human side was sick of it. Sick of all the bloodshed, sick of the fighting. He was tired of people depending on him to hold his own in a fight. He wanted to back out of the next fight. Say, "No thanks, not today. I don't really feel like it." Rely on someone else to protect him for a change.
When he was younger it had been different, he had wanted to fight then. Be like his father. He had been such a brat. A small smile crossed his face as he remembered some of the pranks he and Trunks had pulled. Back then Gohan had been the one to protect the both of them. He made sure they didn't get into trouble, and when they did get into trouble he bailed them out.
Goten stared off into the distance. Above his head, birds sang. Why are you never there for me, otousan?
~*~
"Tousan?" Gohan opened the door, allowing his father to enter the house. "What are you doing here?" Goku smiled, but it wasn't his usual goofy grin, this smile was almost…sad. Gohan frowned, sensing something was wrong.
"I came to say goodbye." Goku explained.
Gohan stared at his father like he had grown another head. "Goodbye?"
Goku sat down on the sofa. "I have to become protector of the dragonballs."
Understanding dawned on Gohan's face. He studied his father intently. In the already fading light his father looked older. Saiya-jins didn't show signs of age, and yet Gohan saw the weariness that changed his father's face. Could tousan be tired of this? Of saving the world all the time?
Goku was lost in his own thoughts. This was not how he thought his life would be. He and Chi-Chi were supposed to raise their family, watch them grow and leave the nest, then grow old and grey together. Things changed, interrupted them. Fate… The weight of the responsibility he had taken seemed huge. It was much too large for his shoulders now. Yet he couldn't give it up. Couldn't? Perhaps he was too used to filling this role, of being the earth's defence that he thought nothing of it. Until now.
"Tousan, have you told Goten?"
The mention of his younger son brought a flash of pain. It seemed that there would never be a chance for his younger son and him to be close. They were more acquaintances than father and son. He had wanted to protect the world, make it a safe place for his children to grow up in. Instead he had completely alienated himself from his son. Goku sighed, "No, I was going to go look for him after this." He exchanged a look with his oldest son. "I felt his chi when I was talking with your kaa-san…then he left the house."
Gohan nodded with understanding, "Stay here and spend some time with Pan." He thought fondly of his daughter, she was close to her oji-san, especially since the space journey. She would be devastated to learn that he had to go. "I'll look for him."
His father smiled slightly, "Arigato, Gohan. I'll catch up with you later."
The saiya-jin watched his son fly out off. I'm proud of you Gohan. Goten too, you've both exceeded all my expectations. If only he could get Goten to understand. He understood his youngest better than Goten knew. This is going to be my last chance. He realised sadly. My last chance to get to know my son… Silently, Goku thanked Dende for giving him the chance. Then he went in search of his granddaughter.
~*~
"You can come down," his voice was harsh, grating.
His friend levitated down, landing beside him. "Trouble?" There was a wary note in his voice, trouble was all too common in their lives and it had been especially common lately.
"Iie. Just thinking." The older man bit back a joke about his friend having serious thoughts. Even he could tell this was not the time.
He took a seat, lavender locks waving slightly in the wind, "What's up? Paris gonna be away this weekend again?"
Goten groaned slightly, "Trunks do you ever stop thinking of girls? Why do you seem to think that all my problems have to do with Paris?"
Trunks was silent for a moment, gazing out at the scenery that had long since worn thin on Goten's eyes, "I don't know." He said at last, "I mean, what else could be wrong with your life?"
"Geez, I don't know." Goten replied bitterly, "Maybe my dad could be leaving again?"
"Goku-san's leaving?" Trunks asked with surprise, "Where to?"
The younger man toyed with blades of grass before ripping them out completely, "I don't know. I don't care." In fact he can go to hell for all I care. He didn't think that his friend would be fooled for a minute, Trunks knew him far too well. But then again he could hope…
He looked at his friend and was greeted with a raised eyebrow, "Uh huh…this is bugging you and you're trying to tell me you don't care? How much of a baka do I look like?"
"A big, dumb one." Goten muttered, just loud enough for Trunks to hear.
Trunks glared. "I'm gonna forget you said that. Just cause you're sulking. But tomorrow I'm gonna whip your butt. Anyway, if your dad's leaving shouldn't you do the sensible thing and spend time with him before he goes?"
"Humph…yeah, right." Goten went back to playing with the grass.
Trunks looked at his friend worriedly. Okay, this is worse than I thought… The two of them were best friends, more like brothers, but never in all the years he had known him had Trunks seen Goten this way. What's really bothering him? He racked his brain trying to find an answer, "Come on Goten!" He whined, it was unattractive but it had to be done, he was just glad his fan club wasn't around to see this, "I'm your friend! You can tell me!"
"Hmph."
Trunks sighed. Okay, the whining approach isn't working. Think of something else quick! His brain seemed to be working in slow motion and was coming up with nothing, he scowled, and then recalled an old, almost forgotten memory
"Brat looks too much like his father."
Bulma sighed, "Vegeta, give it a rest. I know you miss Goku but that's no reason to take it out on Goten."
"What?!" The saiya-jin no ouji yelped, "Miss, Kakarott?! I don't miss Kakarott, I'm glad that baka's dead!"
"Uh huh…that's why you're always complaining about how there's no one to spar with right?" Bulma smiled sweetly.
Vegeta settled for glowering and muttering, "I'm just pointing out that Kakarott had this uncanny ability to make his brats look exactly like him." He scowled, thinking of his own son's unnatural hair colour.
"What does that say about your genes Mr High and Mighty Saiya-jin no ouji?" Bulma teased, wrapping her arms around his waist.
"Hmph."
"Vegeta oji-san?" A small voice interrupted the moment.
"What do you want brat?" Vegeta was still scowling, but that didn't put the small boy off in the slightest.
Goten shuffled his feet, "What's a 'Kakarott'?"
Vegeta burst out laughing and Bulma hit him on the head, "Ow! What the hell was that for woman?"
"Quit laughing and tell Goten what he wants to know." Bulma frowned at him, hands on hips.
"Baka onna." He muttered, looking down to see the brat still standing there, a pleading, curious look on his face. He sighed, "Kakarott is your father, the person the earthlings call 'Son Goku'. Kakarott is just his saiya-jin name."
"Oh." Goten's face screwed up in concentration, "Have you met my father?"
The older saiya-jin snorted loudly, earning himself another whack from Bulma, who was muttering about bad manners, "Of course I do! He was an utter baka!"
"Really? Could you tell me all about him then Vegeta oji-san?" Goten asked, jumping up and down excitedly.
"No. Stories are for wimps." With that the ouji left the room.
Bulma glared at his retreating back, but said nothing. She reached down and held Goten's hand, "Come on, I'll tell you about your father if you want." Goten beamed happily.
Goten had always had an interest in Goku when he was younger. Trunks could remember numerous times when he had found Goten listening to stories of the father he had never met. Back then he had dismissed it, teasing his friend about it, but now it seemed to shed light on Goten's current mood.
"Trunks? What's having a father like?"
Seven-year-old Trunks thought quite seriously about the question, "I dunno, he's just someone who argues with kaa-san, eats all the food and trains a lot, I guess."
Goten sat down on the bed, "But is he fun?"
"I guess, sometimes when he trains me it's fun." Trunks frowned, "But he's always saying I'm too weak and that I should train harder. Sometimes he beats me up pretty bad, but kaa-san always yells at him when he does."
"What does a father do?" His younger friend asked curiously.
Trunks shrugged, "I don't really know." He said slowly, "I think he just trains, eats and sleeps. He doesn't really do much. Oh wait! Sometimes he watches TV."
"It doesn't sound like father's are much fun." Goten mused quietly, "Everyone always says I look like mine, you kinda look like yours. Why do we have father's then if all they do is eat, sleep and train?"
"I guess it's so our kaa-san's don't have to always look after us and so they have someone to talk to."
Goten stared out the window, "My kaa-san doesn't." He mumbled softly.
Trunks grinned, he knew what was wrong, "Don't feel bad, man. He's not leaving you specifically." His grin grew wider at Goten's shocked look.
"How did you – No, never mind."
"Ha! I knew
that was it!" His friend crowed triumphantly, "Yes! I am the best!"
"Shut up." Goten muttered grumpily, Trunks' silly attitude was making him smile, a little, but he wasn't about to give his friend the satisfaction. "If you don't mind, I was thinking before you came along."
"Sheesh, Goten, don't beat yourself up over it. Your father only leaves when he has good reason to, you know that."
"Like training Uub?"
Trunks stood and patted his friend on the back, "That was different and you know it. I've got to head back to the office, since there's no real emergency. I'll catch ya later."
"Whatever." Goten mumbled, not even noticing when his friend left.
~*~
"Gohan, what's my daddy like?"
"Well, he's kinda like an angel, Goten."
"Oh…what's an angel like?"
"I don't really know. All I know is that you feel happy whenever they're around."
~*~
That conversation seemed so long ago. For awhile, Goten wished that he could be that innocent, naïve child again. He wished he could believe that he father could do no wrong, that his father would always be there for him.
"He's not leaving you specifically."
Maybe he wasn't, but it seemed like everything else was always more important to Goku. Why? Why do you always have to put the rest of the world first, otousan? It's not fair!
He was all too aware of the tears threatening to fall from his eyes. Goten blinked furiously, trying to rid himself of them.
"Goten?"
A soft sigh escaped his lips, it seemed like he was never going to get any alone time. "Hey, nii-chan," he greeted his older brother half-heartedly.
Gohan made himself comfortable, sitting down next to his younger brother, "I take it you heard the news." It was more statement than question. Goten didn't bother answering, just nodding his head and keeping his eyes on whatever far-off object held his attention.
"Goten…" Gohan found himself searching for words to comfort his brother, trying to make him understand, "He doesn't want to leave, you know."
"But he's going to do it anyway," the younger saiya-jin muttered matter of factly, "Because he's Son Goku and because he has to be the hero. He always has to be the hero."
If Gohan was surprised at the bitterness in his younger brother's voice he didn't say anything about it, just rested a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Don't take it so hard, Goten-chan. He'll come and visit when he has a chance."
Goten turn to face his brother, his dark eyes revealing some of the pain he was feeling, "I don't want a father who comes and visits me," he said quietly, "I want a father who's always going to be there."
There was nothing he could say, Gohan looked at his brother sadly, wondering if he could even imagine what he was going through. He had been the lucky one, he had grown up with Goku there to look out for him. But there were things that he had lived through – such as the numerous deaths of his father, the pain on his mother's face and the tears in her eyes every time she heard of his father's leaving – that he never wanted his brother to go through.
"When is it my turn, Gohan? Otousan was there for you when you grew up, he trained you, helped you to become a Super Saiya-jin…I never had that. I'm never going to have that," Goten said, bitterly. "He was there for Pan, all through their space journey, he was there to be the loving, doting grandfather when she was born…" he trailed off, taking a deep breath, "He's never going to be there for my kids the way he's been there for Pan and you know it."
Now tears glistened again in his eyes, threatening to spill over onto his cheeks, "When to I get a chance to have a father, nii-chan? When?"
Gohan said nothing for a moment, then, sensing a familiar ki signature behind him, smiled at his brother, "I think there's someone who can explain this better than I can, Goten." He hugged the younger man, taking the opportunity to whisper some advice in his ear: "It's your turn now, Goten. Take what chance you've got."
~*~
"I guess it's your first time meeting him," the blue clad demi saiya-jin lay down on the grass next to his younger brother, "You nervous?"
The little boy was quiet for a moment, "A little," he responded quietly.
~*~
"Do you have to go, otousan?"
Goku sighed at the question, moving to stand next to his stony faced son, "You know I wouldn't go if I had a choice, Goten."
He refused to look at his father, trying to make sense of all the hurt he felt welling up inside him. "You do have a choice, you could chose not to save the world this time," he spat bitterly.
"Goten-"
"Why?" he continued, pushing what would have been a comforting hand away, "Why do you always have to save the world? Why do you always have to leave okasan?" he took a deep breath, trying to lower his rapidly rising ki. "Why do you always have to leave me?" he asked in a whisper.
Goku was silent, pondering his son's words and wondering how he could make him understand his reason for fighting, for saving the world. It had never been a responsibility he had asked for, more like a task that had been placed on his shoulders when he was but a boy, a job that never seemed to be finished. "Goten, I fight for you, I fight for my family, so that you can have a normal life. So you and your brother can go to school, can find jobs and not have to worry about someone coming along wanting to destroy the world, or wish for immortality. I fight so my grandchildren can grow up in a world that's peaceful."
He smiled a little sadly, "I know it hurts your mother every time I go away, I know because she's my mate and I know her emotions as well as I know my own. But I also know that she knows the way I feel about her, and that I miss her everyday we're not together. And she understands that this is the responsibility that I've undertaken, she doesn't like it, but she understands." Goku rested a hand on his youngest son's shoulder, "Now, I'm asking you to understand."
~*~
The little boy ducked behind his mother's skirts, staring warily at the tall stranger that had suddenly appeared amongst them. He watched as his brother and his friends greeted the man with enthusiasm and the tears that appeared on his mother's face.
"I've missed you, Goku," Chi-Chi said softly, knowing that her words would be heard by the saiya-jin. He had never seen his mother smile like that; the look was tender, happy and a little sad.
"I've missed you too, Chi-Chi," the look that her husband gave her was loving and his smile reserved just for her.
He watched the man with curious dark eyes, scared to come out from behind his mother's skirts and show himself to this person who was his father. But he continued his observations of the reactions of all the fighter's around him, even the look of grudging respect of the proud saiya-jin no ouji's face. Vegeta said nothing, but although his face held it's customary scowl, it seemed less fierce than usual.
"There's a little me behind you, Chi-chi!"
Goten looked up to see the man looking at him and immediately ducked behind the cloth wall that was relying on for cover. Then, his curiosity getting the best of him, he peeked out again, only to see the man walking towards him!
"Hi, I'm Goku."
Goku. His father. A man he had never met. He had to struggle to find his voice, "I'm Goten."
The two regarded each other in silence for the moment. And in that instant he knew that there would never be another person like this. This man was his father, the one that everyone talked about, the man even Vegeta treated with a grudging respect.
"Daddy!" he shouted suddenly, running into the arms of the man standing in front of him. This was his father, and even if he was only here for one day, no one could take this moment away from him.
~*~
Otousan… He did understand. His father fought of his family, his father fought for him. Goten struggled for words, knowing now that his father would always be his father, knowing that no one could really, truly take his father away from him. "I wish you didn't have to go," he said at last.
Goku's smile was
far from the goofy Son grin, it was more than a little sad. "I know, son." He
ruffled the young man's hair suddenly, "I'm proud of you, Goten. You may have
gotten a little slack in training, but you were the youngest Super Saiya-jin
ever." Goku grinned, "I remember the first time I saw you fight with Trunks.
Now that was more than a little
amazing."
"But, Trunks won," Goten scowled a little, remembering that infamous clash.
"I've never been prouder of you," his father said seriously, "There you were, you were just seven, already a Super Saiya-jin and going all out in that ring. It was too bad that the match ended so abruptly, if it weren't for the stepping outside of the ring thing, I think you could have won."
Goten grinned a
little lopsidedly, "I know I would have won."
Goku laughed, the wind blew through his spiky black hair as he draped an arm
around his son. Goten laughed too, cherishing this moment alone with his
father. He knew that all too soon, reality would set in and the rest of the
world would demand his father's attention. But for now, they had this time.
~*~
There were tears in Chi-Chi's eyes, and even Gohan's obsidian eyes were suspiciously bright. Goten watched as his father faded from view, his own eyes dry of tears.
Yes, he would miss his father. Pan clung to his arm, still staring into the distance as though she could still see her grandfather. Goten smiled at his niece. He would miss his father, but he knew that his father would always be there, if not physically, then spiritually. The memory of Goku, his exploits and his strength would remain with them forever.
A small smile creased his features. Thank you for helping me understand, otousan. His father had taught him to treasure each day as a gift and had shown him the importance of family.
Goku had proved time and time again that he would die for the ones he loved, Goten could only hope that he could be that self-sacrificing. And yet, he also hoped he wouldn't have to be that self-sacrificing, because then his father's goal would be accomplished.
I love you, otousan. You'll always be a hero to me.
~*~
A/N: All finished. Hope you like. Reviews and criticisms are very welcome. Thank you.
© 2002-04-28
Abi