Chapter Seven
Memories
It hurt. The feelings that seemed to sweep back into my life so suddenly. I guess they'd never really left, but I'd done a pretty good job at burying them. Gotten to the point where visiting the warehouse didn't make me want to run to his arms.
We'd grown apart. We'd seen it coming, but it was unavoidable. I thought that because of this rift we'd never have to face these feelings again.
I was thinking that maybe I was wrong about that.
Because there were definite sparks between us tonight.
I stood for a long time in front of my open window. Freezing. The cold made me feel alive again. Vaughn's heat had numbed me, lulled me into memories I didn't want to be having. Feelings that were not appropriate. That would get us killed.
I needed the cold air on my skin like I needed the oxygen in my lungs. Another thing that Vaughn's presence seemed to take away. My breath.
The curtains danced around my still form, whispering. I needed to get out of here. Out of this room, out of this life, out of my head. I needed to do something rash, something stupid, something that would make me feel like a human again. Instead of the mindless clone I'd been spending the last five years as.
Slowly I closed the window, cutting off the breeze. It was no longer comforting, only chilling. My temporary release seemed to be over. The memories flooded my mind now and nothing was going to keep them away.
I changed quickly into a tank and some sweat pants. Not much warmer but an improvement. Settling on my bed I let them come and hoped that this time I wouldn't hurt so much remembering them. That this time I could just let them run over me and leave no trace that they'd ever tried to break free from the cage I'd locked them in.
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"We have reason to believe that you are being tailed Agent Bristow--" She cut him off before he could continue with an awful feeling of dread.
"That's impossible. I've been careful." But Arvin Sloane was not satisfied with her answer. He produced a folder full of pictures. Pictures of her and Vaughn.
"Don't worry Sydney. The problem is being dealt with." He tried to comfort her but she couldn't listen to him. He was going to kill Vaughn and she knew it.
Sloane had let her go without any further comments. Knowing how an event like this could shake her. Assuming that it was the only reason she acted the way she had. Not even guessing that the man he had ordered killed, like Danny, held a part of her heart, a part she had not yet realized she'd given away.
She knew now. She couldn't loose Vaughn like she'd lost Danny. Couldn't go through with it again. It was too hard.
They'd managed to save Vaughn. Removed him from the case for a good six months. Put him up in some flat in Paris. Killed of a fictional alias so that SD-6 would stop looking.
That was when she'd called Will.
And with her pleading words ringing in his head--"I can't loose you too. You are the only friend I have that knows me. I need you. I need a friend like you..."--with her broken words ringing in his heart--"...Will and I are seeing each other..."--he'd picked up the phone and called Alice.
They'd had no choice.
When Vaughn returned from Paris, he returned with a ring for Alice.
Will and Sydney however never seemed to make it to that point. She couldn't face having a relationship based on lies. And he couldn't handle her long hours at the bank, her unexpected business trips, and her flimsy excuses. He became too curious and she was forced to stop their relationship.
Both soon realized they'd rather be friends anyway.
She was not available for more. And he could never be happy with what she could give. Their relationship lasted a good year and a half and when she looks back on it she can still smile in certain spots, but mostly she looks back on it with regret.
Still she thinks it was the only way to keep him safe. The only way to keep them both safe.
But as the years went by, less time was spent on talking about their personal lives, his life with Alice hurt her, and her relationship with Will still stung him, her friends weddings reminded him of his hopeless marriage, and his hopeless marriage reminded her of her broken heart. Out of necessity those little things that made them more, were removed.
And they had ended up cold and alone.
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She broke my heart. I knew she never meant to. I knew she probably didn't even know that she'd done it. But she'd done it all the same. And that hurt.
There was no way for me to deny that I had ever had feelings for her. Our past clearly stated that I did. That on my part at least, our relationship was against protocol.
I bet Devlin smiled more then I did at my wedding.
Sitting on my bed hours after I'd left her I was still thinking about the feelings she had evoked tonight. Feelings I thought were dead. I tried so hard to kill them for so many reasons.
Safety first. We always had to play it safe. I wanted so badly to forget safety back then. And tonight I want to forget it as well. She does that to me. Makes me not care who finds out. I want the world to know about how I feel...felt....I don't know anymore.
I thought it was a thing of the past, a passing infatuation that we'd get over. Eventually we'd see each other's flaws and get on each other's nerves.
I guess a part of me always knew it was only a matter of time. That these feelings would resurface and that when they did they would be ten times worse then they ever were. I never stopped marveling at her beauty, I never stopped worrying about her safety.
I just liked to pretend that I did.
It was easier that way. Safer too. And ever since that incident that ended up ending it all. She'd been concerned about safety. I could always give her that. The one thing that I could do to help her. The one thing that I could give her by staying away. Safety.
I liked to think that walking away was my unselfish gift to her. That my time in France was only for her. That by getting involved with Alice and remaining so distant was for her good.
Truthfully, unselfish was not the correct word.
Because my actions were all about being selfish. All about me.
I didn't give her anything. I refused to.
When I came back and she was with Will, I kept to myself and locked her out, not for her sake but for mine. I picked things up with Alice, for me, because I wanted to hurt her like she'd hurt me. It had nothing to do with knowing that things couldn't continue the way that they were. Because back then I didn't care how dangerous it was.
When I'd first met her I'd cared. I'd pushed her away with words like, "when this is over," and "hockey can wait." But as time went by her pull on me became too strong. And she was too hard to resist. I'd called so often with the "Joey's Pizza," routine that Francie had changed the number.
We'd changed it to "Frank's Nursery," I mused.
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"Frank's Nursery?" He breathed into the phone. It was late. Too late for him to be calling just to hear her voice.
"Hmm. I'm sorry wrong number." she sighed. She loved it when he called.
"Too bad. I wanted to send some flowers to a friend," he continued. She smiled and leaned back on her bed. He'd done this once before, one night before Francie had changed the number. Back then he'd wanted a pizza.
"Oh. What kind of flowers? And who's this friend?"
"Nothing much. I was thinking of white roses but I could easily be persuaded to change my mind."
"Well it depends on your friend I think. I always thought white roses were pretty if not a bit clichéd. I'm more of a daisy girl myself. They just seem more friendly to me."
"Aren't those the flowers that girls pick the petals off of to determine if it's true love or not?"
"I guess. Are you worried your friend might start picking her flowers apart?" she laughed.
"Who said my friend was a she?"
"Oh so you take to sending your male friends flowers huh?"
"Yeah guess you got me there," he laughed.
"Is she special?"
"Who?"
"This friend of yours. I mean do you wish she was more then a friend?"
"I don't know if I should be discussing this with a complete stranger."
"Oh come on. Speaking on behalf of complete strangers all around the world I can say that we have the best ears. We listen really well and we keep secrets well too. Come on it will be like a chat room. Completely anonymous" She sat on the edge of her bed waiting in anticipation.
He was silent. She didn't mind. She liked listening to him breathe on the other side of the line. It was calming.
"Sometimes." He finally broke out.
"Sometimes what?" she'd forgotten what they were talking about.
"Sometimes I wish we were more. But it's impossible so it doesn't really matter."
"Oh..."
The next day she'd gotten a dozen daisies from an anonymous source, with a card reading simply..."for those sometimes."
The following day he found himself on his way to France.
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