Chapter Eleven
Screw Protocol
an: ok yeah this is the second less mush more believable try at this chapter. Now... I don't know. I'm still not one hundred percent satisfied with this version either. While I do believe it is ten times more believable I'm still not sure I like it. Yes I am very picky. If you've read both versions...I'd really like to hear which version you believe is better. If not well then your thoughts on this version is good fer me. later.
"Vaughn?" She was standing at the side of my bed. My hotel door still open. Her arm crossing her chest, hand clamped at the junction of her neck and shoulder. Her eyes almost brimming over.
"Sydney?" I quickly left my bed to shut the door. She took the opportunity to walk out on the balcony.
Lost. She looked lost. The way she moved, wandered. Aimless, no direction. It was starting to scare me.
A quick glance at the clock told me she hadn't come for our meeting, she was an hour and a half early, which meant that something had happened.
"Sydney?" I questioned coming up behind her and placing a hand on the small of her back. Nothing on earth could of prepared me for what happened next.
I found her clinging to me, stifling tears.
My arms clung to her tighter, instinctively, as if they could draw the pain out from her.
"I can't Vaughn. I don't want to. I can't." Her voice warring with tears.
"Can't what Syd?" I whispered into her hair, breathing her in. Taking her into me in a way I hadn't been able to in years.
"Nothing." She broke off suddenly, her strength winning the silent battle. Leaving my arms and leaning over the balcony's railing looking down at the bridge she'd stood on only a few hours earlier.
She needed her distance, I may have hated it, but she needed it, and I wasn't going to take it from her, although my arms only wanted her back.
"I'll never get a balcony," she muttered just loud enough for me, making me feel privileged to hear it.
"Really Syd the balcony isn't anything to cry over. I mean look over there..." I pointed and she followed my finger. "...from up here you can see into the dumpsters... and I'm not sure but that looks like a dead cat to me." I tried to joke with her.
She smiled and playfully shoved me. But grew serious.
"No. I mean this. I'm not even supposed to be up here with you right now. I'm not supposed to come to you in the middle of the night. Not suppose to stand here with you. When it's all I want." She sighed. "I'm not making any sense."
"No perfect sense actually. The most sense I've heard all night."
"Shut up. You're just trying to make me feel better."
"Is it working?"
"It always does." She smiled then looked away again. She was standing right next to me but she was a million miles away. I let her go.
After a few silent minutes she continued.
"I never thought it would take this long Vaughn. I never thought in a million years that I would still be here." I waited patiently for her to continue and when she didn't I placed a hand over hers, causing her to smile.
"I never thought I'd still be fighting, still be working for a monster. God Vaughn. It's so fucking frustrating." she broke away and started to pace. "It's like there's this damn wall that we can't get over. This fucking piece of shit encased concrete that just keeps getting bigger and bigger. And there's no damn way to get over it."
"I don't think I've ever heard you swear that many times in one sentence." I smiled.
She smiled back. "Vaughn. Shut the fuck up. I'm ranting here. You can have your turn next." But she'd stopped pacing and was smiling. "Plus it was more then one sentence." Damn I wanted to kiss her.
"What happened?" I asked then.
"What happened? Good question. You mean besides you blowing a hole in all my current theories on my feelings? You mean besides me realizing that I may never be able to stand here on your balcony again?" She was pacing again and I wanted to kick myself for it.
"Sorry." I muttered. I used to be better at this.
"I used to be better at this didn't I?" she stopped pacing and smiled at me. "It's not your fault." She sighed again, a tired sigh. "It's just that this..." she gestured with her hands. "...this just...I don't ever remember it being so hard before." She dropped her hands to her side and walked up to me leaning against the railing next to me.
We stood there, me with my back to the rest of the world, her with her back to the hotel, each of us blocking out what we didn't want to be facing. When my shoes had lost all interest to me I looked up and dared to look over at her.
My eyes locked on her cheek and even in the darkness I could see her flush.
"We can't." She stated simply. She knows me too well even after all these years. I only nod. Still I can't stop thinking about how simple it would be, how much better we'd feel, if we just went into my room and ended this torment.
My eyes darted away from her cheek and landed on her neck. More specifically the area she'd been covering up. I hadn't realized she'd been covering it up until right then. She'd been good at keeping it hidden up to that moment.
My fingers brushed her loose hair back off of the mark and danced idly on it. It hadn't been there before, I was sure of it. I'd spent enough time earlier memorizing every curve to know that it had not bothered her neck when I'd had her in my arms in her room. When she cringed I knew it was part of the reason she was here.
When I found out who had given it to her I'd be sure to make their suffering as long and drawn out as possible before I killed them.
"Syd, what else happened tonight?" I ventured, not wanting to pry but needing to know if she was ok.
"Oh well, I couldn't sleep, kept remembering some unpleasant things, so I went for a walk. Venice is rather lovely at night. Went back to my room, got attacked by McKain. Nothing big." She tried to brush it off.
Sydney Bristow is not a victim. She doesn't play the part well. Maybe it's because she's always been so good at saving herself, but when she can't it's doubly hard on her. She'd probably never needed a knight in shining armor in her entire life. But tonight she had needed one. My blood boiled at the thought.
"Care to elaborate."
"Not particularly." My finger still danced on her neck, wishing that it could erase the mark, wishing that it could heal all her scars.
"I'll kill him." I muttered under my breath.
"My hero." Her answer was a sarcastic mutter. Finally she looked at me.
"I'm sorry. Did he... are you..." my mouth and mind didn't want to agree. Did he hurt you? Did he touch you? Did he force you to do anything you didn't want? Are you ok? I wish I could erase everything. I should have been there. So many things I needed to say but my mouth didn't seem to work.
She smiled then, brought her hand to my cheek and grabbed my roaming hand with her other hand, our fingers instantly entwining as she pulled me close to her. Tracing her hand down my face she slowly joined our other hands.
"I'm ok," she said slowly, our foreheads resting against each other. "I really am.... Now anyway." the last part said in barely a whisper. Straining to hear her I still wasn't sure if that was what she'd said.
Sighing she drew away from me. In little less then shock I watched her return to her post at the balcony railing.
"He knows about me Vaughn. He knows about the vaccine. He came looking for it."
"What do you mean he knows about you?" We were suddenly very professional. Making sure to keep our distance, making sure to guard our words.
"He could tell me my life story better then anyone I know. He knows about SD-6, the CIA, my father and his double agent status, crud he even started quoting Will and Francie's lives. He could blow my cover and my father's in the blink of an eye."
"Merde." She started to laugh at my reaction.
"Yeah you think." I couldn't help but join her. "That's not even the best part."
"There's more?" I asked in awe. We had severely underestimated this guy apparently.
"Oh yeah. He offered me a deal. His vaccine for a complete list of the Alliance members, his vaccine for evidence could take down the entire organization."
"I should probably say something like the vaccine is too important to the CIA but you know what I really would rather have that list." I put in still trying to absorb the details.
"Me too." she smirked. I however was not about to forget the mark on her neck.
"That doesn't explain everything though." I gestured to her neck.
"He was waiting in my hotel room. He told me what he wanted to tell me. Had his goons throw me on the bed where he proceeded to assault me with his slimy mouth. Serves me right really. I never should have kissed him. If my hands hadn't been bound at the time he would have gotten a serious ass kicking. Still might actually. He wants to meet tomorrow and make the exchange. He drugged me. I woke up and came up here. End of story." She was trying to brush the incident off and act like it hadn't meant anything. But she couldn't.
"We both know it isn't the end of the story." I offered opening my arms for her. She only hesitated a moment before launching herself at me.
"I was so scared Vaughn. He could have done anything to me and I'd never know. I still don't know if he tried anything. I mean I was out cold and when I woke up I was on my bed alone. I was out for an hour. Anything could have happened. What if it did?" She was crying again and clinging tightly to me, as if I was the only thing keeping her from falling apart.
"They tied my hands up with those plastic ties, and he was on top of me kissing me and sucking on my neck, he wanted me Vaughn. He still does. I don't want to leave. What if he comes back? What if next time I don't wake up alone?"
"I'm not letting you go back down there alone. There isn't going to be a next time. You aren't meeting with him later." She was shaking, falling apart in my arms. Ripping my heart out with her words. McKain wouldn't be touching her again. He wouldn't be seeing her or much of anything else again. And he certainly would not be with another woman for a long time after I got my hands on him.
"I have to Vaughn. I don't have a choice. I'll be ok. Just don't make me leave." Her sobs had died down but still she clung to me. We stood there for a while. Not talking, just holding each other. Why had we ever stopped holding each other? Why had we ever stopped listening to each other?
When she began shaking from the cold I led her into my room and closed the door, still holding her we moved over to the bed where we paused in front of it.
"You need some sleep." I explained. She nodded but buried her head deeper into my chest.
"I don't want to let go of you." She whispered into my neck.
"I'm not going anywhere." I assured.
"I wish...I wish things were different." She clung tighter. My mind was not in the comforting mood and with every brush of her lips against my neck things were getting out of my control.
"Sydney..." she misinterpreted my hesitation.
"Screw protocol Vaughn. Forget the fucking rules."
"It isn't that Syd." I managed past the lump in my throat. I felt her smile against my neck as her fingers tangled in the hair on my chest.
"Good to know I still have that effect on you." She murmured. Then drew back so that I could see her smile. I noticed how our hands had become entangled again. I didn't know when that had happened. It seemed so natural that I hadn't noticed it happening but I noticed it as she tugged me onto the bed with her.
I perched uncomfortably on the bed next to her and she laughed. Moving around behind me I felt her hands come down on my shoulders and start to knead the flesh under them.
"Loosen up Vaughn. I'm not going to bite you." She laughed near my ear. I was pretty sure she knew what she was doing as I melted in her hands. Her laugh only confirmed it.
"You're evil." I managed past my moan of pleasure.
"So I've been told." She paused and rested her chin on my shoulder. "Thank you by the way."
"Anytime. You do know this totally screws with everything right?"
"Yeah, well I really didn't like the way our relationship was going anyway. Besides wouldn't you just love to see the look on Devlin's face if he ever found out I spent the night in your hotel room." She continued to joke.
"Oh yeah that would be nice. You do realize it would come right before my suspension and you'd be assigned a new handler."
"Nah. No one handles me quite like you do Michael Vaughn and I wouldn't let anyone try. Devlin would have to keep you on or I'd quit."
We sat like that a long time, her with her chin resting on my shoulder, our hands clasped together at my sides. Finally she moved to my side and swung her feet down next to mine, letting go of my hands she sat next to me, miles away in her own head. I wondered what she was thinking about but didn't dare cross any bridge to find out. Finally still staring in to nothing, she spoke.
"Vaughn... Why were you on your way to Venice?" I couldn't tell her it was because I loved her. I couldn't tell her it was because I had to make sure she'd be ok, or that I had a feeling that this mission was going to go to hell.
But I couldn't lie to her either.
"Just go to sleep Syd. We'll talk about it later." She turned to me and smiled, nodding she crawled into the bed behind us and closed her eyes. I moved to the chair across the room.
In sleep Sydney Bristow is perfectly angelic. If I thought that I had it bad before I was wrong. So wrong that it would be impossible for me to describe.
She snores, not the loud deep annoying sound likened to that of an elephant crashing through the forest, but the soft gentle purr of a kitten. Each small puff of breath barely audible from my perch across the room.
I was screwed. I had this totally amazing woman in my bed. This totally amazing forbidden woman in my bed. This was a real good way to get us killed.
But right then...
I couldn't find myself caring.