Chapter Fourteen
Waiting for Lightning
"You alright?"
"Fine." I clipped in answer to Dixon's question as he joined me on the balcony.
"So how long have you been in love with her?" I spun around and looked at him in amazement. He had some nerve. I thought we'd made it very clear that we didn't feel anything other then anger and hate toward each other. I thought we'd made it very clear that we resented each other.
"Gee and I thought we'd done a pretty good imitation at hate. I don't love her. I worry about her. There's a difference."
"Sure. Whatever you have to tell yourself."
"We aren't like that."
"I believe you."
"Yeah, whatever." I had my back to him again.
"I wouldn't blame you if you did though." he explained coming up beside me. "She loves you, you know. She'd never admit it but she does."
"Were you not in that room five minutes ago? And it's not just that. There was a time when I thought she felt the same. There are times when I think she feels the same. But it doesn't matter. We're so far apart now. I couldn't tell you what was going through her mind. I couldn't tell you what she wants in life anymore. I couldn't tell you anything about her. Before... I used to... Once upon a time I knew. I could tell you then that we felt something. That we had something. That I was the only person she truly confided in. Now... Well you saw us."
"Yeah I did see you. You're still head over heels for each other. It's still there."
"No." I offered weakly.
"What happened that changed things between you two?" he asked.
"SD-6 found out about me. Almost killed me. It killed us. I don't know. She pulled away, started dating Will, her best friend. I picked things up with my ex. Things just fell apart." I reflected.
"Did you ever think it was because she couldn't loose you too?" Dixon asked. I nodded.
"Seems like a logical solution doesn't it. I don't know anymore. She go back to her room?" I tried to change the subject.
"Said she wanted a shower." he supplied. I nodded and started back to my room. It was safe now.
Picking up a scrap of paper on my bed I twisted it in my fingers. I'd left my coin in LA regretfully. I could have really used it a few times on this mission.
"McKain wants to meet us at eleven." Dixon informed me. I nodded and let the paper slip from my fingers and onto the floor.
"I'm going to shower. I'll meet you in Sydney's room in a half hour." I informed him and headed toward the bathroom.
I should really apologize to her for being so overbearing. Halfway to the bathroom I halted and turned to see Dixon pick of the scrap of paper and shove it in his pocket.
"Do you really think there's something between us?" I questioned. He smiled and nodded. I returned his smile and continued on my way to the shower.
I only wished I could believe it.
__________________________________________________________________________________
"Look Vaughn, we have to at least be civil to each other or this mission is going to blow up in our faces." I commented to the man sitting to my side in the van. He'd been pretty much silent since he'd shown up in my room to finish planning this thing.
I knew it was my fault. I knew I should apologize. Part of me wanted to. But the other part of me was more then a little scared of his reaction. He was cold, stone faced, gone. Lost in some other place.
I hadn't feared a conversation with him this much since I found out that my mother was still alive.
Michael Vaughn can be rather intimidating at times.
This was silly not to mention stupid. I was trained to handle men twice his size, I was trained to manipulate men twice as smart. Why I find him intimidating at times is beyond me.
"Vaughn?" I reached out to grab his hand before even thinking about my actions.
He pulled away.
I deserved it.
"Look Syd, I'm not mad at you ok." he bit out.
"Really? Cause it looks that way." I couldn't bite it back even though I should have.
"Behave kids." Dixon tossed over his shoulder.
"You know Syd, for all the distance between us, you still seem to know exactly where to hit." he muttered under his breath.
"I'm sorry Vaughn. I shouldn't have said that to you." I answered back contritely. Any anger was quickly dissipating.
"But you did anyway. I'm trying real hard here not to be mad at you. I'm trying real hard to forget about it. But I just can't seem to do that." his voice seemed to be picking up anger along the way. Maybe talking about it wasn't such a good idea.
"Do you want to know why Syd? Do you want to know why that hurts so much? Why coming from you... Damn it Syd you shouldn't have said that!" It was a whispered yell. The kind of passionate outburst that was said through clenched teeth in one large huff of breath, hissed.
"Why does it hurt so much?" I asked innocently. We might as well get everything out in the open.
"Because." He grabbed my arm roughly and pulled me too him. His mouth crashed into my ear as he whispered fiercely. "Every time I was with Alice I was thinking about someone else." I swallowed the huge lump in my throat. "Every time I kissed Alice I was kissing someone else." Vaughn's grip on my arm only tightened, to the point of being painful. "We divorced because of me. Me and my ghost. Do you want to hazard a guess at the identify of my ghost or are we good?" he bit out pulling away from me.
"Let go of my arm." I ordered calmly.
His grip relaxed slightly but he didn't let go.
"Let go of my arm." my whispered calm turned threatening.
"No."
"Now Vaughn." He had some nerve, blaming me for his failed marriage.
"No."
"What is your problem?" I struggled to free myself, as I demanded an answer.
"Are you two ok back there or do I need to pull over?" Dixon again butted in.
"We're fine." I bit out.
"Just peachy." he added glaring at me as I freed my arm.
I shoved him roughly away from me. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"You want to know what's wrong with me? Fine. This is what's wrong with me." he gestured to nothing.
"You're going to have to be a tad bit more specific here Vaughn!" We weren't trying to hide our anger from Dixon any longer.
The van stopped.
"When you two are finished let me know. We aren't going any farther until you two finish this." Dixon ordered sternly and started to exit the van.
"We're done." I yelled at Dixon.
"No we aren't." Vaughn interrupted earning an evil glare from me. "We'll be with you in a few minutes." he softened his tone for Dixon. Dixon left. Vaughn let into me.
"You want specific I'll give you specific."
"Don't bother. I don't care."
"Well isn't that just characteristic of you? You don't seem to care about much of anything do you?"
"Where the hell is all this coming from?" I laughed mocking him. He got in my face.
"I'm sick of this Syd. I'm sick and tired of this game. I'm sick of you running every time we have something that approaches what we used to have. I'm sick of you putting your job in front of your safety. God Syd you're walking into the lion's den and you know it!" I pushed him out of my face and he fell into a seat on the other side of the van. This time I got in his face.
"It's my job! I hate it, probably more then you do! I don't know what you want from me! We don't have a choice!"
"God Syd, you're this amazing woman, you're gorgeous, any guy would be crazy to let you get away! McKain is not going to keep his distance because you want him to! He's not going to give a shit what you want! There is always another way! Please, just... We can do this another way." He pleaded with me.
"Fuck you Vaughn! I hate you so much! Why can't you just... What do you want from me! Why the hell did you just turn up in Venice! How the hell can you sit there and say I'm this amazing person? You don't even know me anymore! Fuck you! What do you want from me?... What do you want..."
His fingers wrapped around my arms, his hands yanked me closer, throwing me off balance, sending me crashing into his lap. His hands traveled to my back and pulled me closer so I was straddling his lap.
"What do you think I want?" he asked calmly, one hand tracing a path down my cheek.
"I honestly don't know anymore." I whispered looking away. He pulled me to his chest.
My arms involuntarily wrapped around him as I buried my head in his neck.
Inside my skin
There is this space
That twists and turns
That bleeds and aches
He smelled so good. He was so real. Like maybe I wouldn't have to wake up from this dream. Like maybe this was really happening.
Inside my heart
There's an empty room
That's waiting for lightning
It's waiting for you
"I'm sorry Syd." His hands danced along my back.
And I am wanting
And I am needing you here
Inside the absence of fear
"I'm sorry too."
Muscle and sinew
Velvet and stone
This vessel is haunted
It creaks and moans
"I'm just worried about this." I knew he wasn't talking about the mission.
My bones call to you
In their separate skin
Make myself translucent
To let you in boy
"Me too."
I am wanting
And I am needing you here
Inside the absence of fear
He pushed me away from him so he could look at me.
There is this hunger
This restlessness inside of me
"Do you want to know what I want?" he asked. His eyes betraying his feelings.
And it knows that you're no stranger
You're my gravity
I smiled and shook my head no. Playing with him.
My hands will adore you through all darkness
And they will lay you out in the moonlight
And reinvent your name forever
"Come on. I promise you'll like it." He teased.
"I know I will." I smirked. "I'm pretty sure I already know." I pressed closer to him to remind him that I was still on his lap.
"Like I said earlier. Evil." He smiled and pushed me back.
I am wanting
"Please." He begged with mischief in his dark green eyes. His wonderful, laughing eyes.
I am needing
I nodded. Screw protocol. It just made us miserable.
McKain better not give us false information or I'd have to kill him.
You here
He closed the distance between our lips.
I need you near
Soft. Sweet. Hard. Strong. Short. Long. Deep. Earth shattering. More.
More then anything I'd imagined.
Better. Healing. Passionate. Pure.
Truth. Trust.
Honesty.
I was gone. Nothing was going to pull me back from this.
Inside the absence
Of fear
We sat with our foreheads pressed together saying nothing. There was nothing to say.
Words could never express what had just happened.
Words could never deny what just happened.
"It's nice to see you two finally getting along." Dixon chuckled at the two of us as he popped his head in the van to see if we were finished. "I hate to break this party up. But we've got to get going."
We nodded simultaneously and Vaughn pulled me to his chest again and held me the rest of the way to McKain's office.
an: yikes fluffy much! Oh well I like it. And I think it's safe to say that they've reached a kissing moment... if not... well too bad cause that kiss my friends is staying. The song... no not mine... belongs to Jewel. And I originally was not going to put it in there... but what the hey... that is what happens when I listen to music as I write... sometimes it just ends up in there too. Shrugs. You're not complaining are you? I didn't think so. Anyway it's Jewel's Absence of Fear and it's worth a download... through legal sites only though... I do not support illegal exchanging of copyrighted materials... hehehe... yeah copyrights are good I would never infringe upon them... That's why I write fanfiction... copyright infringement right here folks... Ok done with that. Smiles.