Greetings and welcome back to the Angst Theatre's debut performance "Cold November Rain"!
{stops trying to be artificially genki, takes off the clever CG-created "happy llama" mask, sighs, then sits down miserably on the proverbial corner of a deadend street before saying three of the words he most hates to hear from his own lips}
I give up.
{drops head into hands, feels despondent then realizes this sounds more drastic than it probably should and explains}
Before you take this the wrong way, no, I am *not* giving up on completing this Angst Epic since I promised it would be told in its entirety and it *will* be but *not* in the fashion that I had intended to. Basically, the primary source of my current sorrow is that this story remains incomplete as a rough draft, something I had hoped to have done before resuming posting runs. However, if I stay quiet and don't release some more now I'll feel continue to feel guilty and lonely, you will feel justifiably annoyed that what looked like a short intermission lasted over a week, and worst of all my muses will remain angry with me and not come back!
{continues to look defeated, then adds the warning about more OOC-ness from the llama coming up soon}
So, to avoid all of those end-of-the-world scenarios, I've decided to go ahead and resume sharing this with you but doing so in a manner that doesn't sit well with me since I like to deliver plenty to read on a regular basis. I'll go into the details about this in the end-note instead of here, though, so you aren't bummed out by any of this while reading the story, though, okay? It's angsty enough on its own tonight anyway.
{sighs, forces himself to his feet, skips putting on Vicious' tuxedo since he's feeling unworthy of the white-haired bishounen's ceremonial battle garb, lights the marquee and hands you a playbill}
Tonight's performance opens with Part 44 which features the long-awaited discussion between Norwegian and Nagi regarding what might be wrong with the diminutive telekinetic and how to address those issues with commentary from all four of the men of Weiss at various points. After the angst of that particular moment passes, Part 45 allows the threesome of florist/assassins to comment on their reactions to what has been revealed as well as to make some plans of their own about how to help someone who they've grown quite fond of.
There is a very small Kleenex alert courtesy of my warnings muse, the ever adorable chibi Lauren for Part 44 which left her sniffling slightly and repeating over and over, "Poor Nagi! Oh, *poor* Nagi!" Personally, I happen to think our midnight blue-eyed boy got off easy since this is only the tip of the iceberg, but when she explained her thinking on the matter I had to agree and hence this warning has been added in case anyone needs it.
{shrugs, hopes this was worth the wait but since it answers that loaded first question from the intermission teaser list, it ought to be of some use, right?}
Once again, welcome again to my humble playhouse and *please* --- Enjoy the Angst!
~~~Enigma~~~
(who isn't thrilled with what you'll encounter in the end-notes but after wracking his itty-bitty pea-sized brain this is the best he can come up with)
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Title: Cold November Rain [part 44/?]
Book 1 of "Redirecting Destiny" and prequel to "Romantic Resolutions"
Author: Enigma
Series: Weiss Kreuz
Written: January-March, 2002
Rating: R
Pairings: (Yohji + Ken + Aya) (Omi + Nagi) (Brad + Schu)
Category: Dark! Yaoi Angst Action/Adventure Violence Blood Squick Language Romance Original Characters. AU-OOC.
Archive: fanfiction.net [author: "E-sama the Llama"], Scripta Manent: http://digilander.iol.it/sakaba/Home.html
Spoilers: None, safe for new viewers as well as old.
Warnings: dark! yaoi, heavy angst, action/adventure, graphic violence, large quantities of blood, squick: medical and other, coarse language, agonized and overwrought romance, original characters designed to highlight the true stars, rare touches of sap, cigarettes, destiny, cruel cliffhangers. AU-OOC.
Disclaimer: "Weiss Kreuz" is the property of Takehito Koyasu and Project Weiss. All original characters featured herein (including but not limited to: Calico, Norwegian, Korat, Sokoke, etc.) are © Enigma, 2002, and are not to be used without permission. This unauthorized work of fanfiction is intended for entertainment only; kindly do not sue me.
Notes: When Ken falls in battle, how can the other members of Weiss cope with the guilt and blame that they all seem to share and will he survive in spite of the odds against him?
++ date and time reference within the storyline beginning with the day of the battle ++
{{telepathic speech}}
*****
++ day: 4. time: 1735-1800 hours. ++
*****
Deciding to offer a topic of conversation that seemed safer after the few moments of uncomfortable silence had passed, Omi cleared his throat nervously and said, "By the way, everybody, Nagi has decided he needs to go home soon." He peered at the quiet boy beside him and added, "We thought if it was okay, we'd go out to eat later and then just spend a little quiet time together. Unless of course, we're needed here, that is?" His questioning tone was directed towards the recovering patient in the bed and it was a simple enough thing to see that if Ken so much as frowned, they would cancel their plans for a romantic evening without hesitation or regret.
The chocolate-eyed teen, however, wouldn't have dreamed of interfering with his two young friends enjoying some well deserved time alone and he encouraged them, "That sounds like a good idea, Omi." With a warm smile for the petite sable-haired boy he added, "Nagi? It's been really nice that you could stay as long as you did. I hope you won't get into any trouble for being away from, um, uh, home so long." Ken almost mentioned the rival assassin team by name, but realizing that his blond teammate hadn't referred to it as Schwarz meant he probably shouldn't either and he was glad he'd caught himself before he'd made an error like that.
Nagi's shy smile somehow brought itself back and he answered noncommittally, "It doesn't matter if Crawford's angry or not, Ken-kun. I wanted to stay as long as you or Omi-koi needed me." With a slight sigh, he added, "But if nothing else, I need to get back to school soon or my grades will drop. Crawford might eventually forgive me for being away but if he ever had to report to our superiors that my studies were failing, he'd be all over me in a heartbeat."
Yohji's soft growl of annoyance was hidden only by the fact that he turned away but he did so in time to see an expression of displeasure on his violet-eyed lover's face. Both men wanted to invite the telekinetic to move in with them for a variety of reasons, but now that they knew such a fundamentally idiotic overemphasis on grades existed in Nagi's life, they wanted it even more. However, as always, they both knew that this was something for the two teens to decide and not them, they forced themselves to say nothing about it.
Not involved in the silent conversation between his two paramours, Ken commented tiredly, "Do whatever you think is best, Nagi. Like I said, I'm glad you could be here while you were and if you and Omi have a date planned for tonight, I hope you have fun." His honest smile was broken by a small yawn and then he allowed the others in the room to take over the conversation since he needed to try to remain quiet as per Korat's earlier instructions.
Sensing an opportunity to bring up a topic that might be missed if the Schwarz psychic left their company soon, Norwegian pulled himself from his own unhappy thoughts with some effort. The Kritiker physician stood and approached the two teens, asking, "Before you go out for the evening, might I have a moment to ask you a few questions about your health, Nagi?"
The sable-haired youth felt a sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach as he realized a situation he'd deliberately avoided was no longer escapable and he agreed hesitantly, "Um, I guess so, Norwegian. But, Ken-kun seems to need to rest, maybe you, Omi, and I should go somewhere else to talk?" In point of fact, he hoped to take the conversation away from the suddenly intense attention he was receiving from the eldest two members of Weiss, but there would be no such luck for him that day.
"I'm not *that* tired, Nagi," Ken complained from where he lay against his small mound of pillows. Then he added in a tone that indicated he'd be hurt if the answer was other than what he wanted, something no one in the room would allow at this point, "Besides, I heard you passed out the other day and I was worried about you just like everyone else was. Please stay?"
Nagi fidgeted uncomfortably until he felt a warm hand wrap around his own suddenly cold one and he glanced up into encouraging cerulean eyes and his resistance melted as usual and he agreed, "All right, Ken-kun, we can stay here since you want us to." Swallowing nervously and being afraid he'd be expected to submit to another embarrassing physical exam with an audience, he then asked as neutrally as possible, "Where did you want to start, Norwegian?"
Pleased to be receiving as much cooperation as he was, the doctor gestured towards the unoccupied bed on the other side of the room and Nagi approached it nervously, sitting on it gingerly yet feeling better as soon as Omi hopped up to sit beside him supportively.
The portly physician smiled genially at the show of dedication and love between the two teens and then asked, "Tell me, Nagi, do you often black out the way that you did the day before yesterday? I'm concerned about that as well as a few things that Korat mentioned to me earlier."
Eyes shifting nervously to one side, Nagi nodded and answered quietly, "Actually, I do tend to pass out fairly often, Norwegian." Unhappy midnight blue eyes rose to gaze at fatherly gray ones and he explained, "But it's usually after I use my powers too much. I always figured it was one of the prices I paid for being able to do something most people can't. It's no big deal."
"Hmm," the portly physician frowned and asked, "Was that the reason given to you at some point by an actual *doctor*, son? Or just an observation of your own?"
Fear rose within the diminutive telekinetic as he reflected on the types of medical personnel he'd encountered in the past through Estet. He knew full well that none of the sadistic creatures who worked for the dark organization were anywhere near as qualified as the man who was so concerned about him, yet he found it hard to answer the question honestly. After thinking it over for a moment, he offered, "Well, I've been seen by some, um, er, uh, 'experts' who deal with people like me on a regular basis. They never really said anything much about it since it hardly ever endangered my teammates or anything." He shrugged and added, "I mean, as long as no one gets hurt because I fainted it doesn't matter, right?"
Norwegian's previous expression of displeasure darkened considerably and he shook his head firmly, "No, that isn't correct at all, Nagi." He placed a warm hand on the boy's trembling shoulder hoping to calm him and explained, "There are people who care deeply about you, son, and you've got to understand that they don't want you to suffer for *any* reason. This may be a part of your life that some others might be able to ignore, but I know for a fact that Bombay as well as his friends were all quite concerned about you."
"I know," Nagi agreed in a small voice and glanced at his feet unwilling to face all the worried looks he was receiving. With a deep sigh since he felt trapped and couldn't escape it, he finally asked, "So, if it really *is* a big deal after all, what am I supposed to do about it?"
The doctor gazed at the boy and wished he could suggest a few days at Kritiker Medical Center so he could run a comprehensive battery of tests, yet knew instinctively that was out of the question. Choosing another option, though, he answered, "The first thing I think ought to be done would be some blood work, Nagi. It would be very helpful if we could determine your basic level of health to start with."
Shaking his head sadly, the Schwarz psychic refused, "No. I'm sorry, Norwegian, but I can't let you do that." With another deep sigh, he explained, "If I come home with needle marks on me I don't know what might happen. My teammates aren't as caring as Bombay's are, but I know for a fact that Schuldich wouldn't hold back if he thought I'd been doing drugs or something."
"You?! Taking *drugs*?! Why on Earth would anyone suspect *that*?" The doctor blinked in surprise, it hadn't occurred to him that the boy's teammates' opinions might enter the discussion much less that they might take a direction like this.
Nagi looked away and shrugged negligently, then answered with a sorrow he usually hid, "Because he went down that road when he was my age and he's terrified that I might make the same mistake." He missed entirely the expressions of those around him in response to this admission, something he wouldn't have made if he hadn't developed an implicit trust for the five men with him at the time. With a voice that was older than his years, he explained, "Before Omi-koi and I ran into each other the first time at the café, I was pretty depressed most of the time. Schu caught me with my mental shields down one day when I wasn't thinking too sensibly and before I could hide it, he spotted that I was thinking about doing something pretty stupid since one of my friends from school had given me some stuff to try."
A warm and reassuring arm wrapped around his too-slender waist and Nagi felt grateful that he and Omi had discussed this issue at length previously. Both understood that was something that wouldn't happen again, there was too much good in their world now to throw it away on a foolish act like that in search of a few hours of numbness.
With a slightly stronger voice, the embattled youth continued, "So, if I came home with needle marks on me, even ones that were pretty well hidden, I'm sure that Schu wouldn't hesitate to force his way through my shields entirely and try to get at the truth." Shaking his head sadly, he added, "No matter what else happens to me, I *don't* want a frustrated telepath mind-raping me! Schu wouldn't mean to hurt me, but he's absolutely fanatical about this issue and if he thought I was hiding something, he'd dig out *all* of my secrets and I don't want to imagine what might follow *that*!"
A visible tremble shook Nagi's frame as an image of Omi being severely injured or even killed by one of his teammates in retribution for their relationship crossed his mind's eye, it was something his nightmares revolved around much too often as it was. If it hadn't been for the caring, supportive arm around him at that moment, he might've been tempted to break down and cry after making the admission.
Norwegian's earlier expression of surprise had converted to shock and he suddenly felt afraid for the miserable boy in front of him and he asked, "Are you *sure* that returning to them is such a good idea then, Nagi? If you fear for your safety and sanity over something as simple as a little blood work, it seems to me that you live in far too dangerous an environment to tolerate."
The tortured expression on Nagi's face spoke volumes and it was clear that none of this was easy as he answered, "I *have* to go back, doctor, they're my *family*! Crawford saved me from a life that wasn't worth living, I owe him. Schuldich only has my best interests at heart, I'm sure of it, it's just this one thing that makes him nuts at times, that's all. And Farfarello just needs me to be there for him." His expression calmed a bit as he thought of the amber-eyed man whom fate had treated so cruelly and he added, "Poor Farf, he must be so lonely without me there to keep him company or take care of him when he needs it. No, I'm sorry, but I really do need to go home soon." The final sentence was spoken with greater determination than had been in his voice earlier and it became clear his mind was made up about the matter.
Unwilling to remain silent any longer, the unhappy teen's boyfriend spoke up finally to assure, "Of course we understand, Nagi-love." Omi forced a smile his heart didn't feel onto his gentle features and stated more firmly, "And if you say 'no' to the blood work, that's all there is to it. Maybe there's something else we can do instead. Norwegian?" He glanced pleadingly at the doctor and knew this wasn't going well by the uncharacteristic frown on the man's usually warm and happy face.
For his part, Norwegian was feeling distinctly disappointed with himself not only as a healer but also as a friend and guardian to the young blond teen who peered at him so entreatingly. There was no doubt in his mind that most of Nagi's health issues were far too deep to be diagnosed without invasive techniques, but if that was out of the question he'd have to find another approach.
With a heavy sigh, the frustrated physician finally nodded acquiescence and asked, "All right, Nagi, if you're absolutely certain about that we'll think of something else." Seeing an expression of relief on the boy's face, he decided to go about getting at least some information through questioning and he hoped that the atmosphere of honesty would continue.
Over the next few minutes the doctor asked a variety of questions most of which revolved around eating habits and general health topics like sleeping patterns and stress levels. It was all Norwegian could do not to become visibly irritated with the men he'd never met that Nagi referred to repeatedly as "his family," the members of Schwarz seemed to do a uniquely poor job of caring for the boy.
The discussion uncovered the fact that Nagi frequently consumed only one good meal a day, the fairly robust, traditional Japanese breakfast he prepared for himself which went unserved on the days he wasn't feeling well enough to prepare it for himself. The telekinetic had attempted to claim that the evening meals he and Farfarello cooked together were fine, but upon closer examination it was determined that these were hit-and-miss events that occurred with unpredictable frequency. Within the discussions of nutrition, though, there were subtler elements that caused concern yet Norwegian waited until the discussion ended to go over everything he was beginning to suspect.
Another issue that caused the doctor's blood to simmer was the lack of a solid sleep regimen yet since this was partially due to spending late nights on the Internet chatting with Omi, he intended to keep his comments on that topic limited. After all, if the young couple only got to be together physically infrequently their time together that way was doubly precious and he felt it shouldn't be discouraged, especially if he was going to try to find ways for the blond to assist his love from afar.
Regarding the disturbingly frequent periods of unconsciousness there was very little that could be determined without a more thorough examination of Nagi's medical history, the pattern of the events, and a better understanding of the impact of psychic powers on the human body.
There was a sense of relief for not only Norwegian but also for Aya and Yohji when Nagi mentioned that Schuldich was quite protective of him when he couldn't take care of himself. Granted, the telekinetic himself had no idea how very deeply his redheaded teammate truly cared or the lengths he'd gone to in the past to shelter and guard his frail friend when Nagi needed it most, something that might have pleased the Weiss assassins even more.
Last but not least, Norwegian had asked about issues pertaining to emotional health and the stress levels the sable-haired youth faced trying to be not only a high school student but also an assassin who was romantically involved with someone who was technically the enemy. Nagi hedged the most on these topics, eyes flitting away in search of anything to look at that wasn't the concerned gray-eyed doctor's face. His answers became somewhat rambling and disjointed and it was clear to all those present that he was minimizing things in the hopes of not making Omi feel guilty.
Instead of having that effect, however, all it did was cause the cerulean-eyed teen to feel even more protective of his delicate love and he finally put an end to the discussion by saying, "Excuse me, Norwegian, but isn't this enough?" He received glances of gratitude from his boyfriend and teammates, all of whom had grown distinctly uncomfortable with the way Nagi seemed to be suffering as he tried to conceal the depths of his personal hell caused by living too many conflicting lives. With a hopeful expression, Omi asked, "Can you tell us anything about how to help Nagi now, please? We really *do* want things to be better, you know."
The Kritiker physician nodded thoughtfully despite not being entirely pleased with the outcome of his questioning since there was so much more blood work could have told him. With a small frown of uncertainty, he answered, "Well, yes, I think so, but it may be difficult for you to address, Nagi, based on what you have said regarding your home life."
Nagi nodded unhappily and looked down at where one of his hands was warmly enwrapped by one of Omi's, in a small voice he asked, "What did you have in mind, Norwegian?"
The Kritiker physician wished he could simply gather the unhappy youth into his arms for the warm hug he would have offered Omi under similar circumstances but knew that was out of the question. Instead, he decided to deal with the most obvious issue that they had all identified previously and said, "I think one of the first things you need to do is start eating more regularly, son." With a slight shake of his head, he explained, "Without any blood work to either confirm or deny it, I'd have to guess that some of your basic problems right now are anemia as well as a simple lack of the things your body needs to function on a daily basis. Add to that the incredible drain that your extraordinary powers must be on your resources and it's no wonder you have a problem with blacking out at times."
"What?" Nagi asked in confusion, midnight blue eyes rising to gaze at the man openly for the first time in a long time as he asked with disbelief, "You mean to say that my biggest problem is *food*? I'm not anorexic, doctor, what gave you that idea?"
Norwegian shook his head and had to remind himself that this boy existed in such an abnormal environment that he might not have heard the term before, then explained, "No, no, I didn't say 'anorexia', Nagi, the term was 'anemia', a lack of iron in the blood. It's what carries oxygen through your system and if there isn't enough of it, you would indeed have trouble with staying conscious under stressful situations."
"Oh," Nagi blinked in surprise then nodded, "All right, that makes more sense, I guess. How do I fix that?"
The doctor smiled slightly since the boy was indicating a willingness to work towards a solution, "The best way to address it is by changing your diet and since you need to eat quite a bit more all the way around, that should be the first thing you try. Of course, such a radical change in your diet might take awhile to adjust to, so perhaps a good multivitamin-with-minerals supplement would be appropriate as well?"
The sable-haired boy looked uncertain, he wasn't entirely sure how to explain adding that to his life to Schuldich who would undoubtedly ask about it, but after a moment's thought he agreed, "I'm pretty sure I can do the vitamin thing, Norwegian, but the other is a lot tougher. It's not as if I can just add a dozen things to the grocery list and not get hounded by Crawford about it, he's a real pain about the household bills most of the time."
Understandably enough, Norwegian was getting tired of hearing the name of the American precog. Every time he discovered a particularly difficult issue that Nagi faced--other than the "blood work might imply drug use" issue--it ultimately tracked back to Crawford who seemed to rule the Schwarz household with an iron fist. The doctor was developing a strong wish to sit the man down and chew him out for misusing the boy he presumably had some form of guardianship over. Unlike Weiss where the elder members jealously guarded their youngest and made sure that Omi had whatever he needed that they could provide, the image of Schwarz he had gotten from Nagi was one of a dysfunctional family whose "father" was demonstrably incapable of fulfilling his role properly.
With a sigh that some things simply couldn't be changed from the outside, the gray-eyed doctor grudgingly accepted this statement with a nod then asked in utter frustration, "Have your teammates ever asked you about any of these matters before, Nagi? Are they even aware that your health is not as good as it should be?"
Nagi looked away again, his face a mask of deep misery, sorrow, and guilt for having revealed too much about the men he lived with and in so doing he had apparently behaved disrespectfully towards them.
Norwegian immediately knew he had overstepped his bounds and had unintentionally closed the subject for the moment far too early to deal with the more critical issues which ran deeper than mere nutrition and he despised himself for the atypically insensitive error. The distraction of the two mysterious deaths which he needed to solve had now indirectly effected a profoundly confused and unhappy young man who didn't deserve to have any burdens added to his thin shoulders and the Kritiker physician chastised himself strongly for his mistake.
Across the room from where they had silently observed the entire drama, three sets of concerned eyes took on various expressions of anger, disappointment, and, surprisingly, determination. However, the members of the Weiss trio would keep their opinions to themselves until after the two teens left for their date since there was no point in making a bad situation worse.
The expression on the cerulean-eyed boy's face was heartbreakingly sad and it was all the gray-eyed man could do not to apologize for causing Nagi's sorrow to be brought to the surface the way that he had. However, part of a doctor's job is to bring to light the dark corners of a patient's life that needed attention and he knew on a certain level that perhaps simply by asking the question it might someday bring about a change for the better for the boy.
Torn between defending those he loved like brothers and answering truthfully that, no, to his knowledge not even Schuldich had ever gone beyond simply asking him how he felt or taking him for treatment when he was injured in the line of duty for Schwarz, Nagi simply remained silent.
Incapable of coping with the tension any longer, Omi finally spoke for his boyfriend and answered pleadingly, "I think, Norwegian, that maybe we should talk about this some other time?" There was a small sound of agreement from the boy beside him and he added, "If the anemia issue is the most pressing matter, maybe we can deal with that and see what happens later?"
"Certainly, Omi," Norwegian answered, deliberately using the Weiss archer's given name in a desperate attempt to apologize and to indicate that while he regretted causing Nagi discomfort he was still committed to aiding them both. With a smile that was but a shadow of his usual jovial one, he added hopefully, "Why don't the two of you not worry about all of this too much tonight and just go out and have some fun?"
"We can try," the blond answered uncertainly, the earlier happy anticipation of a romantic dinner and other things of a more intimate nature had been eradicated by the necessary yet painful discussion. Glancing at the boy beside him, he added, "Nagi-love? Want to go out for awhile now?"
"Sure," Nagi answered dispiritedly and then with a light sigh, he moved to get off the hospital bed but Omi was quicker, hopping down and standing in front of him, offering his hand. With a shy smile, he accepted the offer and got down even as he negligently reached out with his powers and picked up their jackets that had been left on hooks on the wall by the door.
As the pair walked towards the door, Omi shot a begging glance over his shoulder at his elder teammates silently asking them to find out more from the Kritiker physician for him. There was also an unsubtle request that the hotel suite remain theirs alone as late as possible, he now needed extra time to remind his boyfriend that they were only worried about him the way that they were out of love and not a desire to add to his misery.
Aya and Yohji both nodded solemnly intending to grant both requests and perhaps more if they could. Ken peered sleepily up from the bed with the same look of disappointment and unhappiness he'd worn earlier. He might have missed most of the recent drama by virtue of being unconscious through it, but the chocolate-eyed teen knew Nagi deserved better than what he was getting.
Norwegian's expression remained one of concern and even though he'd mentioned what he thought was the easiest issue to address, he hadn't been able to touch on some of the other issues he felt might be fundamentally responsible for Nagi's lack of health. As the sound of the two teen's footsteps resounded down the hallway, he took a moment to draw a deep breath, he was about to be interrogated by elite Kritiker operatives and he knew it. He only hoped it went better than the conversation with the Schwarz psychic had gone.
*****
To be continued.
Full Author's Notes to Run at Conclusion.
Please be advised: Parts 44 & 45 will be posted together.