Chapter Twenty-One
Leaving Venice
A/N: Alright peeps. THIS WILL HAVE A HAPPY ENDING. I fear the rotten fruit and voodoo dolls. I PROMISE it will be so sappy that you'll all choke on the cheese. Until then hang in. What you need to remember is that this story is told from the character's point of view. Thus things are not always what they seem. (if that didn't give away major plot please tell me what will) Not the all-knowing author. This gets really rough. And when I say really rough… I do mean it. Yes to clear up that little chapter for those of you who didn't get it… yeah it was intentionally confusing. McKain is dead. Yes Dixon came in and shot him. And no I'm not going to give you a long explanation of how he knew to find her. I figure you are all smart enough to figure that out yourselves. If not… email me and I'll give you an explanation. And if you really can't wait to find out how I'm gonna fix this…if I can fix this… all emails will be answered. But seriously I suggest patience. I don't want to ruin it for you.
"I'm sorry Sydney. I know he meant a lot to you." I only nod.
He died an hour ago.
No it isn't possible.
He died an hour ago.
Still it doesn't want to sink in.
He died an hour ago.
My father was the one to deliver the news.
I don't know why they chose him to tell me.
"I know you two had inappropriate feelings for each other and I'm truly sorry that you had to go through this."
"Dad. Don't. I really don't need the lecture."
"I know Sydney. I'll be at the airport when you land. We'll talk there."
For the first time in my life I didn't lie.
I didn't tell my father that what Vaughn and I had was not important, was purely professional.
I didn't lie to myself.
And now as I pack up my bags, Dixon stands concerned.
I know he's waiting for me to tell him that I'm ok. That I'll get over it and move on.
That I did after Danny.
But see I just don't feel like it anymore.
Cause I know there isn't anyone waiting for me to call after a mission. I know there's no one left to check in with. And when it's too hard to get out of bed I know that there will be no one making me.
I only nod in answer to his questions, comments, and concerns.
He seems to understand and limits conversation.
The plane ride seems short; I sleep most of the way. My body needs rest. My mind needs rest.
I just want to shut down forever. Close my eyes and dream. Or not dream. At this point I don't particularly care.
I don't want to face my father. I don't want to stop at the fucking "bank" before I go home.
I don't want to pretend I don't hate Sloane. I don't want to face him and tell him I failed.
There's no way on earth I'm giving him anything.
I don't know if I can lie convincingly right now.
I don't want to go home and face an empty house. Or call and tell Francie I'm home. Feed Will dinner.
I'm tired. So tired.
I just want to sleep forever.
I want to scream at Sloane, tell him that because of his mission I've lost someone else. Tell him that I'm sick of the lies. Tell him that I'm a double. And ask him to send me to Vaughn.
I want to be with Vaughn. And I know Sloane would help me with that.
I want to tell him the whole truth. Watch his face twist in betrayal. Watch as he orders my death.
I think I could get some sick thrill out of that. He thinks of me as his surrogate daughter. It would be hard for him to kill me. And it would affect him. I want him to hurt.
For every way he hurt me.
I still feel like I'm bleeding. Like my heart just exploded and the blood is slowly seeping from my pores.
I wipe more tears from my cheeks.
I just want some truth. I want some meaning to all this. I want Vaughn's death to be worth something.
I'm so tired of this. All of it. I just want to sleep forever.
But I don't.
I smile for my father. I smile for Sloane.
I even tell my father about Vaughn. I tell him I broke the rules with him. That I loved him. That he's gone and now I don't know if I can continue.
I don't tell Sloane anything. I lie through my teeth to him.
And I convince them I'm fine. That I'm just tired and disappointed that we didn't get the vaccine.
Dixon tells Sloane about McKain and his paranoia. He tells Sloane that the safe was empty.
We concocted that story on the way over and my records match his perfectly.
Order. Our lies fit so well. It's a false kind of order. The crisp papers filed in the sharp manila folders. The blunt scent of the well fitting lies, so convincing. This false order, so convincing.
Dixon asks me about the CIA and joining up. I tell him it will only screw him over in the end. That his life will be miserable and the people he loves will end up dead. I want to save him from my life. I wish he never found us. Because he's insistent now.
And the CIA is more then anxious to get another double.
When I hand Devlin the disks I demand a break. He only nods. Pretends to understand.
No one can though.
I know that when I get back I'll be visiting Barnett. It goes without saying. I'll probably be seeing the inside of her office more then my own home.
More files, these holding the awful truth. Dingy and dull. Creased edges. Chaos.
Reality.
A random set of motions in an insecure world. Not patterned or ordered. No predictability.
Reality.
My father arranged with Sloane to have me taken off active duty for a week.
Devlin gave me two.
Of course Devlin knows I just lost my best friend in the world and Sloane thinks... well I don't know what my father told him. I should find out though.
Vaughn.
I miss his voice already.
How I'm ever supposed to get through this is beyond me.
A/N: dodges fruit. I love you guys. Kisses butt. Smiles. (Is my evil showing again?)