Chapter Twenty-Three
The Background
A/N: For the record…I'm feeling abused… and used… the song... not mine... Third Eye Blind's The Background. Ok yeah this chapter is a real toughie. But it gets better I promise. In fact the next chapter is all about hope and good stuff. And I suppose that this chapter really isn't needed. The information expressed in it could easily have been chunked into the last chapter but I liked this song and so you get this song-based chapter instead. So… the long and short of why you're still getting stuff from me. My grandpa has got this test coming up to see if he's got cancer and he's not feeling well so our weekend camping trip has been canceled. Yup. BTW Kat has dirty hands apparently she went roller blading with her brother… and blah blah blah… yeah she's just talking and talking in my ear as I write this… boring…yup she is boring… Oh btw she's telling me to plug her stuff. So if you read Dark Angel fic go read anything by katerpillar… Oh yeah and if you wouldn't mind… I'm not really evil… And it hurts that so many of you think I am… jk… I love you guys. You're great… oh and the fruit didn't smell that badly it was just getting in the way…
It's been four months.
Since you're not around*SD-6 is gone.
And I live in the numbness now*
I'm teaching. I just started a week ago.
I don't know anymore. Where to go from here?
Sloane's eyes said it all.
Betrayal, hurt, disbelief.
I can't forget.
I can't forget.
In the background*
He hasn't left. He still sits on my shoulder and tells me what to do.
He's tries so hard to make me want to get out of bed in the morning.
And I can't forget.
I can't get out of bed today.
Sometimes that happens. Sometimes I can't move.
I have regrets. Things I should have said even if I knew they weren't smart to say.
Things I wish I had told him.
I do the things we did before*
I walk Haight Street to the store*
Sometimes I go to the pier, the warehouse, the gas station even. They hold so many memories.
It's painful to go grocery shopping at certain places.
I can't go to some restaurants.
But sometimes I go. His ghost, the memories of our meetings. How precious they were in the beginning, the hope we had toward the end. It's all there.
And the feelings. They haven't gone away.
Sometimes I wish they'd go away. Other times I hope that they never do.
And they say where's that crazy girl*
You don't get drunk on red wine and fight no more*
Will and Francie tell me that I'm just at a rough patch in my life. They never knew about him.
They asked me to see a therapist.
I don't see you anymore since the hospital*
Francie asked me once why I was so sad. I told her I missed the man I didn't get to spend my life with.
The plans I make still have you in them*
She assumed Danny. And I suppose in a way I do still miss him. But I was talking about Vaughn.
Sometimes I think I might tell them. About Vaughn anyway.
Cause you come swimming into view*
But then it's too real.
The cut too fresh. And I can't do it.
I can't forget.
And I'm hanging on your words*Like I always used to do*
The words they use so lightly*
I only feel for you*
I never got to go to his funeral. I was still with SD-6 then.
My father said it was a quiet affair. That it was a typical CIA funeral.
But he wouldn't tell me where they buried him. I'm still angry about that.
No one will tell me. I know it's not going to make the hurt go away. But I'd like to go and see it for myself.
I need closure on it I guess.
I only know because I carry you around*
In the background*
I'm in the background*
I don't know how I'm supposed to plan anything anymore. I can't plan for tomorrow yet.
I thought that by throwing myself into something it would be easier for me. It was when Danny was gone.
Words they
come and memories all repeat*
But it isn't the same. Teaching doesn't include the same risks, doesn't have the same thrill. And I can't forget, my life doesn't depend on me forgetting.
I lift your head while they change the hospital sheets*
His words still ring in my ears.
I just want to forget.
And I would never lie to you no*
But I know I never will.
Ever.
I would never lie to you no*
Still. Everything is still.
Numb.
I felt you long after we were through, we were through*
Existing. I guess I am.
Empty.
Blank.
Void.
The plans I make still have you in them*
Ironic. Four months ago this was what I wanted. No more missions. No more lies.
I guess this is the best it gets.
You can't have everything.
Cause you
come swimming into view*
Still I think he'll always be there. True his arms can't hold me and that I'll never know what it's like to wake up with him next to me.
And I'm hanging on your words*
I'll never feel his lips on mine, or his hand in mine again.
Sometimes I wonder if it had to be this way. If there was another option. If I would have done what McKain wanted would he still be alive? Would he be here with me now?
I know I shouldn't feel guilty. But sometimes I do.
Sometimes I feel guilty about everything. From Will to McKain.
Sometimes I wish that I'd never gone to make the switch.
Like I always used to do*Maybe it's unpatriotic but sometimes I wish that SD-6 still ruled my life. That I still got Joey's Pizza calls, Franks Nursery calls. That the warehouse was the highlight of my day instead of a dead building full of life.
I go to the therapist, that Francie found for me after Barnett and I parted ways, once a week. I tell her about Vaughn.
The words they use so lightly*
She asks me about Danny and I tell her about Vaughn.
I only feel for you*
I tell her about the plans I'm still making. About how we never really got a chance.
I only know because I carry you around*
Yesterday I told her about Michael.
In the background*
I separated the two for her. But I can't tell her more then that he was my boss.
Cause I felt you long after we were through*I can't tell her more then that he was someone I could never be with.
Well you come swimming into view*
And I'm hanging on your words*
Like I always used to do*
The words they use so lightly*
But I do tell her that I loved him.
I only feel to you*
She pretends to understand. She can't
really. No one could really understand.
I don't think I'll see her again. Not now that she knows.
I only know because*
Because then she'll ask about Michael. And I'd rather talk about Danny.
Danny is a safe topic. Michael is not.
I'm way I'm way in the background*
The world seems to keep spinning. But I can't keep up with it. I'm trying really hard but some days, like today; I just can't get out of bed.
I just don't want to get out of bed.
I just don't want to move.
I'm in the background*A/N: kat wants my password. Should I give it to her? Cause in some fit of insanity she gave me her email password and feels she is entitled to mine now… So yup… Anyway… question is should I give it to her? (say no) Yup just ignore this… if you say yes it will be detrimental to your chapter updates. For some reason this site does not like my formatting…sigh… I hate my life. Today has just sucked majorly. And cause my life is a complete mess I think I'm just gonna say screw this story. I was going to go over the next chapter again… but hey what the hell. I'm tired of all this shit. Have fun. Kdsfjklasjdfkljaskldfjlakdsjfkjakldsjfkjsadkfjlkdsjfkladsjkflajsdflksjdkfljk grrrrrrrrrrr… seriously. I'm so pissed right now.