Chapter Twenty-Four

Recovery

A/N: Cause I'm depressed. Pissed. And hurt. You get more.  Lucky peeps who profit off my pain.  Later.

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"A Thousand Miles" Vanessa carlton

Making my way downtown
Walking fast
Faces passed
And I'm home bound
Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way
Making my way
Through the crowd
And I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder....
If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
Tonight
It's always times like these
When I think of you
And I wonder
If you ever
Think of me
'Cause everything's so wrong
And I don't belong
Living in your
Precious memories
'Cause I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder....
If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
Tonight
And I, I
Don't want to let you know
I, I
Drown in your memory
I, I
Don't want to let this go
I, I
Don't....
Making my way downtown
Walking fast
Faces passed
And I'm home bound
Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way
Making my way
Through the crowd
And I still need you
And I still miss you
And now I wonder....
If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass us by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you...
If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
If I could
Just hold you
Tonight

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She's hauntingly beautiful.

She always has been.

But her ghost… it's a damn good reminder of what I'm missing.  And makes the haunting part of her beauty all that more real.  And fitting.

I'm working on getting a transfer to LA.  I was informed by Weiss today that Sydney quit two months ago.

What the hell?

Yeah that's what I said.

Why had no one informed me?

Screw them.  I was going back.  Not contacting her after all this time was against my better judgment.

But this was the last straw.

The CIA had no say in my contacting her now. 

So I put in for a transfer and I'm hoping they take me back.  Not that it matters whether or not they do.  I can always work somewhere else.

I'd be willing to work on mars if it meant I could see her again.  If it meant we could finally be together or at least play at being together.  Hell I'd give my right arm for just a dinner with her.  Quite literally.

To say that I'm angry no one told me two months ago that it was safe for us...  well that would be an understatement.

So enraged that words seem to twist on my tongue and all I could do when Weiss told me was mutter some twisted words that would have sounded something close to profanity in a few different countries.

They didn't see me sitting by my phone every night.

They didn't see all the times I called just to hear her say hello, knowing that I could never say anything back.

I think it's safe to say I'm justified in my anger.

More then justified.

My stay in Venice lasted two months.  And in those two months I realized a few things.

One, that when this was over, if it was ever over.  I'd go after her.

Two, that I'd never let her go again.

And to learn that she's been free of SD-6 and the CIA ever since I returned...  It makes me furious.

I hear the sadness in her voice.  Every phone call.  She never answers the phone like she used to.

And sometimes it's Francie who answers.  For weeks at a time it's Francie who answers.  Which worries me.

I think she's staying with her.  And the only reason I can think of for that is because Syd needs her.

And now... 

I can't hide my happiness over seeing her again. Even now in my anger…  my face is starting to hurt from smiling.

And the best thing about this whole thing is not that I can hold her hand in public.

Years ago I thought that would be the best thing.

No.  It will feel much better to put a picture of her on my desk. 

But that's not it either.

It's not that we don't have to worry about death every time we see each other.  Or that I can finally tell her how I feel without fear that it will end up ruining things.

The best part is not that she's finally free of them.

Or that I can give her that balcony she wanted.

The best part is that in less then twenty-four hours I'll be meeting her, in less then twenty-four hours I'll be holding her in my arms and telling her the things that I've always wanted to.

The best part is that in twenty-four hours I can start making every part the best part.