Disclaimer: I do not own CCS or any of its characters. CLAMP does. This plot is a product of my imagination. Any similarities to other fan fictions are unintentional.
UNFULFILLED LOVEBy bishounen lovah a.k.a. touya-mou
Chapter 9: Rika
She woke up in the middle of the night and found herself sitting upright on the bed. She was sweating profusely and her heart was beating like some Caribbean drum.
She had another nightmare.
She reached up to wipe the sweat off her face only to find out that what really made her face wet were tears and not perspiration. Briskly whisking them away using the cuffs of her satin pajamas, she wondered when her nightmares would ever stop.
What do you expect Rika Sasaki, she reprimanded herself, you've been bottling everything inside so now you're ready to explode. Correction. You already did when you inadvertently gulped down one-eight of the pills that shrink gave you. And now the pressure's building up again.
As soon as the thought entered her head she stood up and slowly moved towards the kitchen, not bothering to turn the lights on. She stopped halfway to look at Yoshi-kun's sleeping figure on the couch. He slept in the living room while she slept in his bedroom.
She walked softly towards him, not wanting to wake him up. She gently pried his notebook from his hand and laid it on the coffee table. She then took his other hand that was hanging towards the floor and placed it beside the other one on his stomach before covering him up with his quilt.
After staring at his face, she dazedly walked towards the kitchen.
The bottle of pills was right exactly where she left it after dinner. She got a glass of water then sat down at the kitchen table. She reached for the small bottle, uncapped it and poured some of its content on the table.
Rika stared at the dozen white pills scattered in front of her. In an almost trancelike movement, she began reaching to pick up several pills but then something stopped her. Suddenly, Yoshi-kun's face popped in her head. He did everything he could to nurse her back to health and here she was about to flush his efforts down the drain.
She balled her extended hand into a fist before forcing it to back away. Much as she wanted to ease the pain by taking those pills, she couldn't. She owed Yoshi-kun that much. She owed herself that much.
With a sob, she drew her legs up and hugged them closer to her body. She closed her eyes and started to rock herself in order to fight the temptation and the pain.
She didn't know how long she was there but when she finally opened her eyes, Yoshi-kun was sitting in front of her. His expression was of intense disappointment. It was so intense that she felt the tears flood her eyes in reaction.
"Sumimasen," she whispered as she closed her eyes again to stop her tears from falling. She didn't know that Yoshi-kun's disappointment was directed at himself for not being able to help her out.
"Sumimasen…sumimasen…" she apologized again and again.
"Daijoubu," he whispered back as he took her in his arms and carried her to the other room. He sat down on the couch, placing her on his lap.
She buried her head against his chest because she didn't want him to see her cry. She tried to stop the tears but they just kept on flowing out. After a while she stopped trying and sobbed furiously.
When her sobs finally abated, she realized how comfortable she felt snuggled close to his body, her head tucked underneath his chin. His hands were working magic on her as one hand was rubbing her hands with his thumb while the other was pushing her hair away from her face then slowly goes down to rub her back.
"Do you feel better now?"
She felt his lips move against her hair. She was about to nod her head in a yes but then quickly changed her mind and shook it in a no. She heard him sigh again and thought that he was disappointed at her again. But then he moved his hands so he could adjust her body closer to his and wrapped his arm around her in a loose embrace. If it weren't for her distraught state, Rika would surely be blushing madly right now.
They stayed like that for several minutes, their silence slightly tense. Rika was battling with herself, arguing if she should tell him or not.
I'm so tired of feeling so down and ashamed, she sighed to herself. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't care if he'll laugh at me or not. If I want to feel better I must get it all out now.
She took in a couple of deep breaths to calm her nerves and to get some courage. She clenched on the fabric of her PJ pants and tried several times to speak up but no sounds came out. She didn't know where to begin.
Yoshi-kun must have felt her difficulties because he laid a hand on top of hers. Instinctively, her hands released their hold on the PJ and clung to his hand.
"I am such an idiot, you know," she finally said after a while, "because I let such a silly thing get me down. I even almost died because of such a trivial thing."
"I don't think that anything that would make you unhappy could be trivial, Rika-chan."
She pushed against his chest and sat upright so she could see his face clearly. The soft glow coming from the fireplace gave her enough light to see that he was regarding her seriously. But she had to be sure.
"Promise me you won't laugh at me."
"I promise," he whispered back.
After several false starts she decided to just blurt it all out. "I feel so alone. I could feel the loneliness eating up my heart and mind. It hurts so much."
She quickly averted her eyes, expecting him to snort in laughter despite of his promise. But instead she felt him touch her face in order to make her look back at him.
"What made you lonely?"
She saw his eyes gleaming with understanding. And why wouldn't he? After all, he had spent the last few years hidden in this cabin with only a dog for company. But then he chose to be alone…didn't he?
"As a child I was brought up to be the perfect little girl so I could grow up to be the perfect wife and mother. Everybody else pretty much thought the same thing and then came the day when I decided to be something else other that the perfect homebody. I strove hard to be the best in everything else. I graduated top of my class both in high school and culinary school.
It was just at Naoko-chan's wedding that I stopped and thought about what happened in my life. I realized that all of my achievements gave me satisfaction but not one of them gave me fulfillment. And then I looked around and saw that all of my friends have already found the fulfillment I've been craving for. They found the people who made their lives whole."
After a moment's pause she snorted out a pathetic laugh. "Sounds ironic, ne? In the end, I wanted to be the person I strove hard not to be. I'm craving to be the perfect wife and mother but then how can I be such a person when I'm all alone? Would you believe I dated almost fifteen men in a span of one month? I can't believe I stooped that low just to find the right man. And when I didn't I just stopped going out and I evaded Sakura and the others. Seeing them all happy and content was like rubbing salt on open wounds."
The next couple of minutes passed in silence. Rika felt Yoshi-kun tense up when she mentioned the men she dated. She thought that he was disgusted at her behavior but didn't know that it was actually a jealous reaction.
"You can laugh at me now," she said quietly. She decided she could handle it better than this awkward silence.
"I would never laugh at you especially after what you told me. Do you know why?"
She looked into his eyes expectantly. She felt relieved and confused at the same time because he wasn't disgusted at her for letting such a shallow matter bother her.
"Everybody feels extreme loneliness at least once in their lives. You shouldn't be ashamed of it."
"Honto ni? Did you ever…"
"Hai, several years ago. I was more than old enough to settle down but I didn't. I couldn't. Not without the right woman."
"So what did you do?"
"I quit my job, packed my bags and climbed up this mountain. I'm lucky because I had my books to vent out all of my depression and frustration. You, on the other hand, had no means of letting it all out that's why the pain can be unbearable. Bottling it all up inside won't solve your problems."
"I know that. That's why I told you because I'm so sick of wallowing up in my own pity. I'm sick of having nightmares night after night."
"You're still young, Rika-chan. You shouldn't pressure yourself in thinking such things. You should fight the loneliness and enjoy your life. The right man will come sooner or later, you'll see."
"Don't you feel lonely being stuck here with only Bono to keep you company? Is it really enough for you to just vent out your frustrations in your writings?"
"Of course it's not enough and I do get lonely most of the time. But, you see, dating hundreds of people won't work. You've tried it but it didn't even give you satisfaction let alone fulfillment. Destiny will provide you the right man and it's just a matter of waiting for him to arrive," he said with a small smile.
"How can you say that? How can you possibly find the right woman for you if you're locked up in this cabin? Seriously, you don't expect her to knock on your door when you least expect it, do you?"
Rika saw his smile grow secretive as though he was enjoying a private joke. His eyes flickered with amusement and something else. He was looking at her intensely, making her blush in confusion. When she couldn't stand his intense gaze anymore she quickly buried her head on the side of his neck.
"Nothing is impossible, Rika-chan. Sometimes, destiny has a funny way of fixing things," he said softly as he intertwined their hands again.
Still confused at his words and behavior, she decided to let it go. She focused on relaxing against him as he gently massaged her neck and shoulder with his other hand.
"Yoshi-kun," she sleepily whispered after a while.
"Hmmm?" he replied as he absently stroked her hair.
"I feel so much better now."
"I'm glad."
She slowly drifted to sleep, feeling the butterfly kiss he laid on her forehead. Smiling and sighing softly, she snuggled closer to him before finally giving in to the deep slumber.
~Morning came~
She felt so warm and comfortable despite of the chilly air. Hugging the quilt closer to her body she move backwards to snuggle against the source of warmth.
Her eyes immediately flew open when her 'source of warmth' moved against her back. Looking behind her, ever so slowly, she came face to face with Yoshi-kun's chest. She gasped in surprise and tensed up. Raising her head slightly she sighed in relief when she saw that he was not awakened by her startled reaction. They were laying on the couch spoon fashion.
She turned her head in front again and laid it on his arm that served as her pillow. His other arm was loosely hanging over her waist under the quilt. Their legs were piled on top of each other in a jumbled heap.
As much as she thought that their intimate position was disconcerting, she felt extremely reluctant in breaking out of his embrace. Giving in to the temptation, she snuggled her head under his chin and tried to relax. It didn't take long for her to do so because the warmth of his body and the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest calmed her.
She stared at the dying flames in the fireplace and recalled their conversation earlier in the wee hours of the night. She had finally said it all out and he understood completely. He didn't laugh at her nor felt sorry for her. He just sat there and listened attentively. He even gave her sound advises.
Because of him she felt free. She still cringes at the thought of being alone but she's no longer petrified of it. It felt like a heavy load was lifted from her heart and it was Yoshi-kun who had set her free.
Her stomach growled a bit loudly to her surprise. She never actually felt hunger since she fell into her depression. She gently eased out of Yoshi-kun's embrace and walked towards the bathroom for her morning ritual.
Maybe this is a sign that I'm getting better, she thought when her stomach growled again. After brushing her teeth, washing her face and changing her clothes she set out to make breakfast. She made a detour towards the couch first to tuck the quilt over Yoshi-kun again.
When she turned around, she felt that she had kicked something under the couch. She slowly bent over so as not to wake Yoshi-kun and reached underneath. After a few seconds of searching, her hand grasped something so she pulled it out. She was surprised all over again at what she saw.
In her hands was the teddy bear that she gave him back in the fifth grade (AN: Am I right?). She felt a warm feeling spread all over her body. He had kept it all of these years, she thought as she felt her heart give a joyous leap.
After a while, she bent down again. She propped the bear against his chest underneath the quilt. Then she kissed his cheek lightly and whispered in his ear. "Arigatou, Yoshi-kun."
She straightened quickly when he slightly stirred. She gave him a gentle smile before proceeding towards the kitchen.
After letting Bono out through the back door, she spent the next few minutes staring inside the fridge. She wanted to make something special for Yoshi-kun but didn't know what. After a while, she was shivering from the cold air and yet she still has no idea what to cook.
She sighed as she closed the door, grabbed a knife from the counter and paced around the room. She had this weird habit of slapping the flat side of a knife on her palm. The feeling of smooth steel on her hand had always helped her get ideas on what to cook.
I guess I have something in common with Yoshi-kun, she smiled as she recalled his need for multiple mediums in writing. Both of us have weird working habits.
Her thoughts were reverted back to the man who's sleeping in the other room. He really is a special person.
A good listener.
The perfect gentleman.
He's funny and caring.
A great friend.
And an excellent kisser.
She stopped pacing as that last thought entered her mind. She couldn't stop blushing as she remembered that kiss they shared. After she reached the cabin yesterday, she had already pushed the memory in the deep recesses of her brain. When Yoshi-kun followed her, she acted as though nothing happened between them and he took her cue.
But that was yesterday, when a lot of things were bothering her mind. Now that she's more or less sane she couldn't stop the flow of emotions as she remembered that kiss.
She had never been kissed that way before. And if she was, she knew that it would never compare to Yoshi-kun's kiss. It felt like she was in heaven and hell at the same time. She had forgotten everything else except the immense pleasure his lips had given her and the ache that accompanied it.
You weren't exactly acting like a nun back then remember, her subconscious acted up again. You were as into that kiss as he was.
I guess I was caught up in the heat of the moment, she answered back.
Uhuh. Admit it, girl, you want him. Not only that, you're madly in love with him.
Me? In love with him? Never was, never will. She had suddenly stopped slapping the knife against her hand and it hang suspended near her upturned palm.
Yeah, right. Then can you imagine your life without him now? Can you walk out of this cabin, go back to work and never look back?
Rika closed her eyes to stop the tears that had suddenly appeared from falling. She had felt deep sadness when she thought about not having Yoshi-kun by her side. She can't imagine her life without seeing his smile or hearing his voice again.
I love him, she realized as the tears escaped her eyelids. I'm so stupid. I was so worried in not finding the right man when all the while he's right in front of me.
"What the hell are you doing?!" Yoshi-kun angrily yelled from the door.
Rika was startled from the shout. So startled that she released the knife she was holding. She jumped back in time for it to miss her foot and instead the knife dully clanged on the tiled kitchen floor.
He strode towards her and kicked the knife away before grabbing hold of her shoulder. Looking up, she saw different emotions evident on his face and mirrored in his eyes. She saw shock, anger, fright, and another emotion that she couldn't understand. The same emotion that she saw in his eyes last night.
"What the hell were you thinking," he shook her before roughly pulling her into his arms in a tight embrace. "Damn it, Rika. Suicide is not the solution to your problems."
Suicide? Where did he get that idea, she thought in confusion. Then she realized how she must have looked when he entered the room. She was standing there crying her eyes out with a knife dangling over her upturned hand.
She wanted to laugh at the absurdity of the situation but his reaction had made her wonder.
"Doushite?" She tried to look at his face but his tight embrace made it impossible to do so.
"Nani?" he said, still visibly shaking from the mixed emotions surging throughout his body.
"Why does it matter to you if I kill myself?"
The arms around her tightened some more. She felt him take a deep breath and let it out shakily.
"Because I don't want to lose you. Not again."
This time she pushed hard against his chest with all of her strength. She wanted to know the truth. She wanted to see it in his eyes.
"Doushite?" She asked again when she managed to loosen his grip on her.
He raised his hands and laid them on the sides of her face, brushing away her tears with his thumbs. She looked deep into his eyes and saw the answer before he whispered it.
"Aishiteru, Rika-chan. I can't bear to lose you. I just found you again and this time I won't let you go."
She gasped as she heard those words. Fresh tears were pouring out of her eyes again so she closed her eyes to stop them.
She felt his lips on her eyelids before moving to her cheeks to kiss her tears away. It wasn't long before she felt his lips brush against hers. Suddenly feeling very happy, she threw her arms around his neck and drew his head closer to hers.
She kissed him with all of the pent-up longing stored in her heart. She showed him how much she loves him through her lips.
When their kiss ended, it was his turn to look questioningly at her. She smiled her gentlest smile and looked at him with her love obvious in her golden eyes. She touched the side of his face and instinctively his hand reached up to press her hand harder against his face.
"I love you too, Yoshi-kun. It took me a while to realize it but now I know for sure. It's you that I've been waiting for all my life."
Yoshi-kun replied by placing his arms around her waist, drew her closer and bent over to kiss the love of his life yet again.
To be continued…
bishlov: *peers inside the window of the cabin* so finally they're together. Idiots! It took them nine chapters before realizing they were meant for each other.
Bono: *barks in agreement*
bishlov: *stops being a peeping tom and looks at the dog* looks like you'll stay here for quite a while, old boy.
Bono: *whines and looks at bishlov with puppy eyes*
bishlov: Can't take you home with me. My other dogs will just yap at you nonstop…not to mention that I'm allergic to longhaired dogs.
Bono: *whines again this time rolling over and begging*
bishlov: No can do and quit staring at me like that. How about I give you some Scooby Snax?
Bono: *jumps up and barks enthusiastically*
bishlov: Hahaha. Gets them every time *throws Scooby Snax to Bono*. See you at the wedding guys!!! Ja!
Don't forget to review, minna-san!!! c',)