Generation X - Autumn Term
Part three: The Pantomime
The curtains rose as Hermione leaned on her mop and assumed her 'tragic heroine' expression. She had promised herself that she would make this role sparkle. She would give the audience something to remember... and she had not forgotten her vow to get even with Pansy. She stared out into the sea of faces. Her parents had not been able to make it for the performance, but close to three thousand people filled the magically expanded Great Hall. She didn't really mind; with the vengeance session she had planned, it was probably just as well her family weren't here to watch. It should certainly spice up the second half.
The music of the opening song began to play. It was the one she had sung at the audition, and was one of the highlights of the show. She began to sing, and relaxed visibly as soon as she got into the swing of the song. Her voice was loud because of the microphones they all wore on their collars. Lee was up in the 'audio and visual effects box' and would be controlling all of the various technological gadgets that had been set up especially for the occasion. Her dress flew out as she executed a series of perfect twirls across the stage. She would give them all something to remember.
When the song was over, Millicent Bulstrode entered as the Ugly Stepmother. When the hideous Slytherin had delivered her monosyllabic lines, it was time for the Ugly Sisters to enter. This was where the 'comedy' of the Pantomime really began. The Sisters were supposed to come swinging in from either side of the stage in the style of Tarzan. However, after Lee had paid the Ravenclaw boys to resign as Special Effects co-ordinators, the quality of the Stage Management had reduced visibly. Lee liked to be in charge, and had used some of his seemingly inexhaustible supply of money to obtain his enviable position. This was not good for the Ugly Sisters. Crabbe and Goyle swung in on ropes that were far too short and were positioned in such a way that they swung smack bang into each other. They fell the remaining ten feet down onto the stage where they landed painfully sprawled on top of each other. The audience gasped. Hermione winced and sincerely hoped that they had not been knocked out. But she had underestimated the hard-headedness of Crabbe and Goyle. They got to their feet and continued as if nothing had happened. Professor McGonagall had never been more delighted with them.
The Pantomime Cow had its entrance next. Ron had a few difficulties because at first the back end of the cow (Pansy) refused to move, and he had to drag her onstage. Then she sat and sulked in the cow's bottom. After an awkward pause, she leaped to her feet and started to charge around madly; it was always one extreme or another for Pansy. Ron tried valiantly to keep up with her, but the cow was in severe danger of tearing in half because it kept wanting to go two ways at once. Still, it raised several laughs. The audience seemed to think it was all part of the act. It looked like the pantomime was going to be a success.
Then it was Parvati's part. Crabbe and Goyle had to forcibly restrain the back end of the pantomime cow, which was making violent advances on the Messenger from the Palace. Parvati was halfway through delivering the message when it happened. She suddenly clutched her stomach and collapsed onto her knees with a wail of pain. Hermione knew what was going on; they had to get Madam Pomfrey, and fast. The Pantomime Cow seemed shocked. It stood absolutely still for the first time since it's entrance several scenes back. Hermione rushed to Parvati's side and looked over her shoulder. She read the 'message from the palace' out loud herself, which was difficult because Parvati was clutching her hand and squeezing it so tightly Hermione thought she might have a few broken fingers. She had to get Parvati to a qualified medic; she couldn't have her ruining the performance. But she had to do it without making it too obvious. Thinking wildly, she shouted the first thing that came into her head.
"Is there a doctor in the house?" When she got no response, she tried the more direct approach.
"She's having a baby!" she screeched. The audience seemed to find this extremely funny. They chanted,
"OH NO SHE'S NOT!"
"OH YES SHE IS!"
"OH NO SHE'S NOT!"
"OH YES SHE IS, AND YOU'D BETTER BLOODY WELL BELIEVE IT," Hermione yelled at the top of her voice. This was no time for fun and games. The fate of the Pantomime was at stake.
McGonagall, knowing this was not in the script, and anxious to avoid the tarnishing of Cinderella's squeaky clean reputation, hurriedly shoved Madam Pomfrey onstage with a hiss of "Improvise!"
Madam Pomfrey whisked Parvati offstage and Hermione breathed a sigh of relief. That had been close. The audience were responding brilliantly. They still seemed to think it was all a joke. From her place centre stage, Hermione could hear vague cries coming from the corridor outside. She actually hoped Parvati would be OK; a rare compassionate thought.
But the show must go on.
Hagrid delivered an inspired performance as the Fairy Godmother. He had played the 'dame' in every Pantomime since he'd joined the Hogwarts staff. Next it was a scene at the palace. Hermione waltzed offstage to tumultuous applause. She was clearly emerging as the star of the show.
Draco pranced onto the stage in an extremely tight fitting pair of tights, pantaloons, a doublet and a ruff. There were many appreciative wolf-whistles and cheers from the females in the front row. This was what they came to see. Hermione watched him from the sidelines. His aristocratic drawl suited the part perfectly, and he really could act very well. Exacting her revenge on Pansy was going to be a lot of fun.
Next it was Neville's 'jaunty dance' at the palace where the Prince's ball was being made ready. Neville, being Prince Charming's assistant, was in charge of the preparations.
McGonagall had finally managed to train him into doing the dance perfectly. It was very quick, and fairly physically demanding. For the pudgy boy, it was quite a feat, to say the least. Neville was proud of his achievement and had been eagerly anticipating performance day when his moment of glory would finally come.
The twostep music started and Neville skipped onstage to applause. He was beaming as his feet fell into time with the music and he tapped, stepped and hopped his way through the first half of the song.
Lee was bored. Nothing had gone wrong for the last few minutes, and this dance didn't have any fun lighting effects he could have a go at. He didn't know what he was doing, but was having great fun trying out every single one of the multitude of buttons in front of him. It had definitely been worth bribing those Ravenclaws to get this job. He leaned back in his comfortable swivel chair. Just how far back did it it go? He decided to find out. Unfortunately, it didn't go very far, and the chair tipped up dangerously when his weight was applied to it. He scrabbled around madly and found purchase on something. He pulled himself back up, but something had happened to the music. He had accidentally changed the speed of the record, and the already fast twostep was now playing at an impossible speed.
Beads of sweat appeared on Neville's forehead as he forced his legs to keep up. He knew he could do it. Lee pressed every button in sight in a vain attempt to right his error. While Neville danced, mirrorballs appeared, streamers fell, fireworks went off at the front of the stage, coloured lights shone, a trashy dance beat was added, (Harry shuddered in the wings) banners dropped down at the back, and a white spotlight shone right on Neville's flying feet. There were only a few bars of the song left... at double speed the time had gone past very quickly. And he had done it! A spectacular finale had been provided by Lee, when the back of the stage rose up and a shower of glitter fell all over Neville. So what if the special effects for the end of the Pantomime had happened an act too early? He had triumphed - he had showed them! The faces in the audience were all admiring... Hermione, looking beautiful as usual, walked out of the wings and presented him with a bunch of roses she had conjured just seconds before. She kissed him on the cheek and whispered, "Thankyou for not ruining it!" Before disappearing offstage again. Only Draco looked sulky - he had been upstaged temporarily by his assistant. Never mind. He'd have his moment...
Neville could see his Grandmother in the audience. He was sad for a moment as he thought of how much his parents would have loved to see him dance... but they didn't even know who he was. His Gran and Great Uncle were on their feet, cheering wildly. Maybe it was just a trick of the light, but it looked as though his Grandmother was crying. Neville sank into a huge, twirly bow. And ripped his trousers right along the seam of the crotch. Luckily, this fact was hidden from the audience, but Neville could hear the sound of muffled chuckling coming from the wings. He didn't care. Nothing could spoil this moment. And one face in the audience stood out particularly clearly... Ernie Macmillan, his one true love, was clapping him the hardest of them all.
Hermione was back on stage. This was the bit where Hagrid transformed her into a beautiful young lady (not that she wasn't already) and was one of the most visually impressive parts of the whole play, because it involved actual transfiguration and light manipulation. Hagrid had been given special permission to use magic, and Hermione had slipped a galleon into a Ravenclaw boy's pocket to get him to go and help Lee out in the special effects box. As much as she liked Lee, she wasn't about to let him ruin one of her favourite bits of the play through sheer ignorance.
The audience fell into hushed silence. Justin Finch-Fletchley began a drum-roll. Hermione stood perfectly still as Hagrid raised the sparkly wand. It even has a star on the end, Hermione thought, concentrating on it so she could hide the fact that she was extremely nervous. If this went wrong, she could end up in her underwear in front of three thousand people and Hagrid. Oh, dear God, she thought frantically. Then, with a cymbal crash and a shower of glitter, it was over. Her hair was pulled up into an elegant chignon, her rags became a beautiful white gown covered with little diamonds, and her feet were incased in the excruciatingly tight glass slippers. Why they had to be the wrong size was a mystery. Couldn't she just make them fit? But it was too late for that now. She twirled around to show off the dress properly and the audience oohed and aaahed appropriately. Lee wolf-whistled from his elevated seat. Hermione guessed that this was because he could see down the front of her dress. She didn't care; it would give him something to think about and possibly distract him from interfering with the Ravenclaw boy's efforts with the Special Effects.
Now it was time for the carriage. One of Hagrid's magnificently large pumpkins had been uprooted for the occasion. It descended from somewhere above the stage on silver rope. Hermione had to carefully sidestep it to avoid having it dumped on her head. She directed a scowl at the 'effects box' hoping that nobody had noticed the blunder. It wouldn't do to have the star of the show made to look like a fool.
Seamus and Dean scurried on as rats (McGonagall had persuaded them to let her transfigure them) and Hagrid performed the simple reversal. Unfortunately, Dean still had whiskers.
"What's the matter with you?" he muttered at Hagrid. "I've got a fuckin' tail!" Dean's microphone magnified his profanity so that it filled the hall. Hermione made frantic motions at him to try and make him stop. Several members of the audience were looking scandalised. "I'm not goin' anywhere until you get these fuckin' whiskers the fuck off my fuckin' face!" he yelled, even louder this time. McGonagall was looking thunderous. She mouthed to Lee "Do something!"
It should have been simple. All he had to do was find the volume and turn it down. Only Lee didn't turn it down. He turned it up.
"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO FUCKIN' REMOVE THE MOTHERFUCKING WHISKERS, YOU FUCKIN' RETARDED WANKER!" Dean looked delighted at the volume of his voice. He proceeded to try out his entire (and extensive) vocabulary of swear words at full volume. A scandalised McGonagall directed a jet of silvery light at him and turned him back into a rat. A huge cheer went up from the audience. Dean the Rat scurried offstage to applause from the whole of the Hogwarts student body. For some of them, it had been quite an education.
Seamus had to be a lone coachman. He opened the door of the pumpkin-carriage and invited Hermione to step inside.
"Your carriage awaits my lady they exit stage right the fairy godmother follows on the invisible harness."
Hermione smiled wryly. There was always one...
The carriage (which still smelt vaguely of pumpkin) rolled off the stage as the audience got to their feet and applauded. Act One was over. The plush curtains descended and Hermione stepped gratefully into the wings.
*
During the Interval
The audience were all chattering excitedly in the Entrance Hall while they sipped drinks and nibbled at the excellent buffet. Hermione could see Dean who was looking heartily embarrassed as his mother showed him off to all of her friends as 'mummy's little angel' "Six OWLs... aren't you a clever little boy?" she ruffled his hair affectionately.
"Muuuuum! Fuck off!" Dean was more proud of the fact that he had been kicked out of the Pantomime in disgrace and screamed at by McGonagall.
"Shh, Dean dear. Not now," his mother said absently, turning back to her group of raucous friends. They seemed to be consuming an awful lot of alcohol. But then, they were muggles. That was what they did at public occasions.
Hermione pushed through the crowd. She was looking for Lee. He had disappeared from the 'effects box' and was nowhere to be seen. She really wanted to see him, so he could praise her spectacular performance and she could swan around on his arm. She noticed Angelina looking grumpy. Hah. That bitch can't compete with me! Hermione gloated. Then she spotted a very large, jostling crowd. Ah... Lee must be at the centre of it. She craned her neck... yes, there he was. She raised her voice and waved.
"Lee! Hi! I'm, like, here!"
"Yeah, in a minute, princess," Lee called back.
So, he was giving her the brush-off. Fine. She would just sit here and wait for him. He'd soon remember what was more important.
She waited. And waited. But Lee did not appear. Hermione couldn't believe it. How could he just ignore her like this? I mean, sure, being mysterious is one thing, she thought angrily, but being a total wanker is quite another. She looked over the crowd again. She could hardly believe what she was seeing. Lee was sitting with his arms around about six girls who were all hanging on to his every word. They kept giggling inanely and Lee appeared to be loving every minute of it. They aren't even pretty, Hermione fumed. Just a bunch of cheap sluts. And look at that outfit! Could she show any more flesh? The girl she was talking about was wearing a minuscule halterneck and hotpants that showed her flabby buttocks. Eurgh, Hermione thought. That is totally gross!
Perhaps it showed just how angry Hermione was that she had resorted to insulting the girl's clothes; she had worn an almost identical ensemble to the beach every day when she was in America. The difference was, she made it look like an outfit, not an artfully torn, tightfitting binbag.
She turned around and stormed off. However, her anger faded considerably when she remembered her plan for revenge. It was almost time... that blonde bitch was going down.
Suddenly, the crowd around Lee broke apart, and he came running towards her looking worried.
Ah, here he comes, Hermione thought, crawling back. Well, it's not going to be that easy. Two can play at your game, mister. But all hopes of 'playing it cool' vanished when Lee ran straight past her and scurried up the stairs to the special effects controls. Moments later, the lights dimmed and his voice boomed out,
"Will everyone please return to their seats for the second half of Cinderella!"
The chatter in the audience subsided as they made their way back to their seats. Hermione ran backstage and redid her hair for the song at the beginning of the second half. It was almost time for the ball... easily her favourite part of the play. She stood in the wings in front of a mirror, putting the silvery comb back into the top of her elegantly piled-up hair. Suddenly, there came terrible screaming from the audience. She rushed to the edge of the stage and peered out. An awful sight met her eyes. Blaise Zabini was running around the stage, utterly and completely naked. She couldn't help but stare. McGonagall, really looking murderous this time, came running out onto the stage brandishing a broom. She jabbed at him with it, but he just nimbly dodged her and ran down the centre aisle, giggling like a man possessed. McGonagall chased after him, still waving the broom in the air and shaking her fist. Hermione spotted Sirius at the back of the hall. He was laughing so hard he almost choked on his Cornetto ice-cream. He must have come to see Harry.
After the audience had returned to comparative quiet and several old ladies had been escorted from the room, Lee's voice could be heard again.
"Would you please put your hands together for Cinderella and the guests at the ball!"
Hermione took this as her cue. Picking up the hem of her dress, she danced onstage as a cheerful waltz began to play. It was time to put her plan into action.
*
The band of lame 'hopeful princesses' danced around the stage with their dance partners. Hermione stood 'shyly' by the door, waiting for the prince to enter. At the right moment, the music stopped for an instant, and Draco came in from the other side of the stage. He'd made some changes to his outfit... were those leather pantaloons he was wearing?
Draco wandered through the groups of girls on stage, pretending to survey them all and trying to ignore the whistles coming from his 'fans' in the audience. Luckily, he could exercise great self-control when he wanted to. He swaggered around in his ridiculous costume (it even had tassles on it) and then 'noticed' Cinderella on the other side of the stage. Granger really does look hot, he thought happily. This is going to be fun...
He stood face to face with her, and reached for her hand. He lifted it to his lips and kissed it delicately. Hermione felt a shiver go down her spine. Revenge is going to be sweet, she thought with a mixture of delight and malice.
"It would be an honour if you would dance with me," he said softly.
"I'd love to," she purred. He put his hand on her waist and whirled her around. Lee turned the music back up and soft lights illuminated the Prince and Cinderella. The dance had been carefully choreographed to show them both off, and in costume they made a very good couple.
Hermione moved herself closer to Draco, pressing herself against him. He moved his hand down so that it certainly wasn't resting on her waist anymore. She flashed him a smile which he returned mischievously. They both knew they were only making a show of it, but hell, it was going to be fun.
The audience clapped in time with the music. The orchestra were on fine form. And the two lead roles were sizzling... they could tell this was going to be a show to remember. As Draco picked Hermione up and swung her off her feet, many people cheered.
One person was deeply unhappy about the arrangements. Pansy was watching the display on stage in disgust. That was her boyfriend. And that Granger mudblood slut was all over him. It didn't occur to her for a moment that Draco didn't mind in the slightest.
Ron, who was still sitting in the costume, was going through his lines.
"Moo. Nah, nah. Makes me sound too sad. MoooOOOOOOoooo. Nope, a bit melodramatic, but better. MOOO-AAAARRRRGGHHHHHHH!" Pansy had finally snapped. Ron was dragged backwards as the cow, bottom-first, charged through the beautifully painted backdrop and onto the stage. The back end of the cow started to yell obscene threats at Cinderella, who just laughed and pulled Draco into a deep and passionate kiss. When the audience cheered, Pansy ran in frenzied circles. Unable to see, she careened around in the hope that she would knock into them and break them apart. Ron, thinking quickly, stuck his arm out of the cow's mouth and grabbed onto the nearest piece of scenery; a wooden cutout that had been painted like a marble pillar. He held on for dear life as Pansy struggled to get free. She was kicking furiously, writhing and gnashing her teeth. "Let me go! Draco! Help me!" but Draco was in no position to reply.
The pantomime cow's costume was breaking because of the immense strain in was being put under. The audience were laughing at the cow's capers. Hermione could hardly believe they still thought it was all part of the performance. McGonagall was looking faint. This wasn't how she'd intended it to be at all.
"GRANGER, YOU CHEAP WHORE!" Pansy yelled. And with a last effort of superhuman strength, she made two things happen at once. Firstly, there was a sickening tearing sound as the costume totally ripped in half. The force of her struggles sent Pansy stumbling forward, dangerously near to the edge of the stage. Secondly, her head came bursting out of the cow's bottom, allowing her to see what was going on just seconds before she was teetering on the edge of the Orchestra Pit. She flailed madly to try and regain her balance, but to no avail. With a terrible screech, she toppled into the orchestra, landing headfirst and ruining Justin Finch Fletchley's second drumkit. The music stopped abruptly and the audience fell silent.
In the effects box, Lee felt it was his job to break the awkward silence. He saw that there was a record player which already had a record conveniently in place. Locating the controls, he turned it on. Lee had always fancied himself as a bit of a DJ; it had always been a dream of his. He turned it up. Seconds before the music filled the hall, he remembered that some Ravenclaws had been listening to records in the interval. This meant that it was almost certainly not some of 'Mozart's finer works' but more likely some atrociously profane popular trash. His suspicions were confirmed when
"WU-TANG CLAN AIN'T NOTHIN' TO FUCK WITH" came blaring out. He quickly whipped the record off and muttered "Bollocks" and then an apologetic 'sorry' to the audience. He had to find some music to put on... he flipped through the CDs. None of them were the right sort of thing at all. Slipknot... no. Eminem... Limp Bizkit... Dr. DRE... S Club 7... were they kidding? Celine Dion... Buddy Holly... how did they get in there...?
Hermione and Draco broke apart. She winked at him before looking around the stage. It was very hot all of a sudden... Ron shuffled offstage to rapturous applause, and she could see Hagrid lifting Pansy out of the Orchestra Pit. She noticed that Pansy's head was still stuck inside the largest of the drums. She pointed, and Draco laughed. She was quite surprised; she thought he would have been more protective of Pansy. She knew he actually really cared for her... but we'll see how he feels after this, she thought deviously.
She leaned closer to Draco and whispered her idea into his ear. They had to keep things going while Lee found some music. Draco nodded and walked over to the large 'banqueting table' that had been set up. It was covered with silver tureens and fake food, all resting on a white table cloth.
"Drumroll please!" She called. Justin Finch Fletchley did his best with what remained of his drum kit. Draco looked very nervous, he was deeply doubtful about how successful this would be. On the crash of the cymbal, Draco pulled the tablecloth as hard as he could. The cutlery, plates, and several plastic vol-au-vents went flying. Whipping out his wand (god knows where from) Draco made them stop in midair and sent them floating into a neat pile in the corner. The audience, who were loving every minute, cheered him wildly. He couldn't resist taking a bow. Well, it had been quite impressive, he reasoned. The leather pantaloons were very uncomfortable... but he supposed he should keep them on. But then he couldn't dance in them... that settled it. He brought Hermione over to stand next to him, and she too pulled out her wand. Draco drew a circle around everyone on stage, and then muttered a few incantations. Hermione, realising what he was planning, joined in. Then they indicated that everyone should stand very still. Everyone on stage froze. The hall fell into hushed silence. Lee blacked out the lights. Draco whispered,
"One, two, three, NOW!" and together, they sealed the spell. There were a few exclamations from cast members; some of the outfit changes must have been painful, especially for those who had been forced into tight trousers.
Lee was panicking. With the lights blacked out, he couldn't see anything. He'd just have to take a chance. He grabbed a CD from the pile and shoved it in the player, praying that it wasn't 'The Best of KoRn' or 'Des O'Connor sings your favourite Xmas Carols.'
The CD Lee had selected began to play; it was 'Can't Fight the Moonlight.' It seemed that wizards had similar musical tastes to muggles. Hermione had seen (and loved) the film Coyote Ugly over the Autumn Break, and had been practising her dance routines in secret ever since. Table dancing, she thought, is what I was made for.
The lights were brought back up again. The entire cast had undergone a dramatic change. They were all wearing scanty outfits. The amount of leather used must have wiped out an entire cattle ranch, Hermione thought a little guiltily. She glanced over at Draco. Then she stared. Her jaw dropped. Then she looked down at herself. OK, so she looked pretty stunning too... but it was the first time she'd ever felt she might not look quite as good as anyone in the near vicinity. Draco's trousers were so tight that if she hadn't known better, she would have thought he'd just dyed his legs black. He was barechested save for a tiny black waistcoat which had his name emblazoned on the back in studs.
If Hermione had been embarrassed at showing herself off, she certainly would have blushed when she surveyed her outfit. Luckily, her policy was more 'if you've got it, flaunt it.' On first viewing, she thought she was wearing a very attractive leather belt. Then she realised it was a skirt. Long boots came up to her thighs (Draco was sporting an identical pair) and her top was a bikini style affair. Flicking her hair behind her, she grabbed Draco's hand and dragged him onto the table.
The music blared out of the magical speakers. If Pansy was jealous before, Hermione thought, unable to repress a huge smile, I'd hate to see her now. The blond girl had luckily been knocked out by the force of her collision with the drumkit. Together, they executed a series of fairly impressive gymnastics. Hermione ran her hands over Draco's bare chest. He responded by removing his waistcoat, whirling it around his head and then throwing it into the audience. He caused a minor fight in the audience between a group of salivating girls all eager to keep the only bit of Draco they would ever get their hands on.
Hermione put every bit of effort she had into her performance. She was a born exhibitionist. Several men in the audience were forced to leave for reasons best kept to themselves. She noticed Sirius looking at her admiringly. If his jaw could have dropped any further it would have been resting on his knees. Draco looked as though he might have been about to remove his trousers. Not that Hermione would have particularly minded, but she really didn't think McGonagall would like it. Now she was very glad her parents weren't there. The music reached a dramatic last chorus. Hermione knew she had to distract Draco. She dropped to her knees, giving him a clear view straight down her top. He froze in position with one arm pointing into the air and the other on his hip. Which was strangely convenient, mused Hermione. With one last shake of her hair, she arched her back and tipped her head up to look straight at the audience. Well, if that wasn't a dramatic finale, I'd like to see what is, she thought triumphantly. The audience were all on their feet as the music stopped and the clock struck twelve. She turned and fixed Draco with a long, lingering look, smiled in the most disarming manner possible, and then hurried away. She had just got offstage when she realised she was still wearing both... er, boots. She had forgotten that she was supposed to leave a glass slipper and not a hefty platform boot. Oh, well. She ran back on, unzipping one of the shoes and placing it carefully in its proper place centre stage. She couldn't just leave... that would be a total anticlimax.
Slowly and deliberately, she climbed back onto the table where Draco was still standing as though paralysed, a vague smile still on his face. She stepped up to him and kissed him gently. It took him a few seconds to respond, but when he did, he was more than enthusiastic. She melted into his arms and ran her hands down his bare back. Her knees felt weak. There was enough chemistry between them to support a nuclear power plant for several days. His hands on her bare skin were electric. She ran her bare foot up his leg and she felt him tremble in her arms. She didn't want to overdo it... better to leave him wanting more. Tantalisingly, she pulled away, and in the blink of an eye she had vanished. Draco stood for a moment before swaying on his feet and collapsing as his knees finally gave way.
*
Draco had got to his feet. Now the music had stopped, he noticed that he squeaked when he walked. These trousers must really be tight. He 'found' the boot and was about to pick it up when he realised that bending over was a scientific impossibility without causing himself grave injury. He was stuck. What should he do? He paused in indecision. Hell, he was a prince, wasn't he? Surely there were people who were paid to do his bidding?
"Slave?" He called to nobody in particular. "Slave! Pick up this boot. I'm a prince, it's about time you started acting like it!" Luckily he was used to being imperious. Some lame Hufflepuff scurried forward to obey him. The boy scooped up the shoe and handed it to Draco, bowed, and scurried off again. Draco vowed to find its beautiful owner, made a few declarations of his undying love for Cinderella and then finally exited the stage. At last he could get out of these trousers. Not that he was going to give them back to the costumes department; who knew when they might come in handy again?
*
Next, it was time for Hagrid's piece de resistance; the Fairy Godmother's main scene. The orchestra were back on form now that the drumkit had been replaced yet again and they struck up a jaunty accompaniment. Hagrid began the dance he had spent weeks learning and launched into the song. He was a dreadful singer but the audience were past caring. They were now in the delightful stage where everything deserved applause or laughter. This part was supposed to be a comedy, and Hagrid was actually doing well. Halfway through the song, it was time for the 'chorus' to come in. The chorus was made up of all the girls who were considered too talentless to have parts, but still wanted to join in. They warbled and stumbled their way through the dance and the simple musical part. They didn't make too many mistakes, and managed to get to the end of the song without anything dreadful happening. Now it was the moment for Hagrid's dramatic departure. He was going to ascend up to heaven, his work on Earth being done. He was wearing an invisible harness which was attached to a rope. In the effects box, Lee pushed the button which would start the winching process. Hagrid pointed his wand in the air as he was lifted off the ground in a shower of glitter. Lee was amazed; it went smoothly. Hagrid waved energetically at the audience, who all waved back. He was ten... twenty feet above the stage... all the 'little faeries' were looking up at him... this had been the best performance he'd ever done in forty-eight years of being in Hogwarts pantomimes.
Everyone watched as Hagrid's enormous form disappeared off of the top of the stage.
McGonagall couldn't believe it. This was the first time they'd tried using muggle techniques for special effects, and she'd been more than a little dubious at first. Especially for somebody who weighed as much as Hagrid, it was a miracle that it had worked. Then she remembered. She was a seventy-year old realist who knew for a fact (and through bitter personal experience) that miracles don't happen.
A horrible twanging noise could be heard as one by one, the fibres of the nylon rope snapped under Hagrid's enormous weight. There was a collective gasp as three thousand five hundred and fifty nine people winced and waited for the inevitable. The three thousand five hundred and sixtieth person let out a terrible, blood-curdling yell as he plummeted forty feet from the rafters of the Great Hall. One face looked up directly at Hagrid. Paralysed with fright and overwhelmed by the thought that Hagrid's voluminous underwear was very likely to be the last thing she ever saw, Hannah Abbot could do nothing but watch as Hagrid's 800lb bulk knocked her senseless.
Sirius couldn't help it. He laughed. After a moment's horrified silence, so did the rest of the spectators. As trained medi-wizards rushed to try and save Hannah, the Hall was filled with the sound of three thousand people who had never seen anything quite so funny.
McGonagall dispatched the stage hands to fix the large dent in the floorboards of the stage while briefing Harry, Ron and a heavily sedated Pansy on their next piece of improvisation.
The cow costume had been very hastily and poorly repaired with copious amounts of blue wool, and Ron had finally accepted a bribe to go back inside it with Pansy. Harry, as Buttons, was going to ride the cow around the stage while the chaos was restored to comparative order. The cow was supposed to be telling jokes to fill time, so both Ron and Pansy had microphones on. Pansy protested at first when she was told Harry would be sitting on her head, but then the sedatives kicked in and she fell into submissive silence.
The cow marched onstage doing the comedy walk they'd been taught. Harry struggled to hold on. He kept being bumped around, and grabbed onto the nearest handhold. It was Pansy's face.
"Ow!" she squealed. Many of the audience held their ears. Pansy screeching at a high volume had been known to cause temporary deafness.
Ron told a 'knock, knock' joke which raised a feeble laugh. The second one he told only raised a laugh from Lee, who thought he'd said something else.
The third, ('A wizard walked into a bar, right? He said ouch.') made several people wince. Ron's comic timing was abysmal. Deathly silence filled the room. Crap. I totally bombed, Ron thought desperately. Now nobody's gonna laugh.
He thought wrong. Harry chose that moment to break wind. Very noisily. Right next to Pansy's microphone. Everyone's heads flew up as they tried to work out who had made the repulsive noise. Harry blushed a deep shade of crimson and sincerely hoped that their benign audience would assume this was all part of the play as well. He knew he shouldn't have eaten the sweet that Fred offered him just before he came onstage.
"Eeeuuurgh!" Pansy wailed sadly, "Potter farted on my head!"
A huge roar of laughter went up from everyone watching. McGonagall, keen to steer away from the toilet humour, indicated that they should come offstage. Harry did so very obligingly. He received a standing ovation for ending Ron's terrible series of jokes, but even that couldn't cheer him up. He'd never live it down.
*
Draco made a half-hearted attempt to fit Goyle's overlarge foot into the platform boot before shaking his head and calling up the next person from the list.
Finally it was Hermione's turn. She stepped forward demurely and sat down on the tiny chair. She slipped her small foot into the boot and was about to zip it up when Draco moved her hand away. From the sparkle in his eyes, she could tell he was up to something.
He started to zip up the boot himself, sliding his hand so far along her bare leg that she could feel his hand on the lace hem of her knickers. McGonagall looked as though she was about to explode, so Hermione just gave Draco a playful slap on the wrist and finished zipping up the boot herself. Now was the time for the 'official' kiss. As McGonagall was still having paroxysms of rage, Hermione decided to 'kiss by the book,' keeping the tongue use to an absolute minimum (much to Draco's disappointment.) This seemed to appease the Professor slightly. Hermione took Draco's hand and led him offstage as all around them, the scenery changed. The stage revolved so that they were inside the palace, which was bedecked with flowers and was made to look like a church. Ginny came on wearing her vicar's gown and opened her service book. She made her speech which occupied the time in which Draco and Hermione had to do a rapid costume change. The palace doors were thrown open and two trumpeters announced the arrival of the bride and groom. Draco was wearing a tuxedo and on his arm came Hermione, who was glowing as her bridal gown flowed behind her. Two first years were carrying the 'train' of the dress and a cute little Ravenclaw had been persuaded to act as pageboy. It was very fetching. As the lovers made their vows, confetti fell from the enchanted ceiling and many of those watching had to fight back tears ( though some were of sheer jealousy.) The entire cast crammed onto the stage and launched enthusiastically into the closing song. Lee was in his element, pressing every button and making a multitude of glorious effects all take place at once. Glitter, confetti, streamers, coloured lights, spotlights and fireworks filled the hall as the audience got to their feet for the last chorus. Everyone joined in; Sirius was even doing some of the hand actions. Much stamping of feet called for an encore, so the orchestra launched into 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas.'
Overflowing with happiness, Hermione clutched Draco's arm and smiled up at him. He had been the perfect Prince Charming and she told him so. He was grinning all over his face, and returned the compliment with a comment that was just as flattering though not so respectable.
Everyone held hands in a line as magical snow fell from the ceiling. The singing reached a crescendo and even McGonagall could be seen joining in, albeit in the wings. Tumultuous applause, cheering, whooping, whistling and shouting threatened to bring down the roof. When Lee had finally managed to restore something that resembled quiet, he began to turn the spotlight on every cast member in turn, from the lowliest, lamest Hufflepuffs, through the supporting cast, and then all the people behind the scenes; the faithful yet nameless Ravenclaw boys, the stage managers and then himself.
"And lets all give a big hand for the guy who made it all happen... me!"
Amidst the cheering, Fred and George could be heard yelling their support.
"Yeah, Lee! You fuckin' rule!"
All the Weasleys in the audience leapt onto their seats when Ron's name was called; blushing furiously, he was finally allowed out of his cow costume to take his bow.
Hermione and Draco were using the darkness to their advantage by indulging in a prodigious make-out session which gained admiring glances from several nearby onlookers. They were rudely interrupted when Lee swung the spotlight round to illuminate them. Hermione hurriedly straightened her tiara and hitched up her slipping dress (it was shoulderless) before taking her first of several bows. Draco had his own group of fans, who were all screaming for him from their front-row seats. Still holding hands, they continued to bow and wave until the clapping died away. Feeling that this would be the appropriate moment for a speech, Draco opened his mouth. But he wasn't quick enough - Hermione got there first.
"I'd like to say thankyou to all the people who made this wonderful evening a night to remember and so very, very special," she gushed. She continued in this way for several minutes. The audience cheered at all the appropriate moments, and whenever Hermione paused for a breath, Draco managed to nod and say 'yeah' before she was off again.
"We love you all for being such a fantastic audience," (cheering) "and we're so glad you enjoyed the evening. But none of this could have happened without the support, guidance and effort given by our wonderful director!"
In the wings, McGonagall made a mental note to make Hermione Head Girl at the first opportunity. All thoughts of detention for 'indecent exposure' vanished from her head as she walked out onto the stage. The hall fell respectfully silent. Behind her back, Hermione magicked a huge bouquet of roses.
"Professor, I have to tell you how-"
"Miss Granger, you have said quite enough for yourself for the moment." Minerva's voice was frosty. Shocked, Hermione fell silent. Suddenly, the roses seemed mightily inappropriate.
"To all those involved with this disaster of a production, I would like to say this."
All eyes were fixed on her in disbelief.
"You have taken several weeks of my time. You have used, wasted and damaged a large number of the school's valuable resources. I have never before seen a bigger or more public display of the lack of morals in today's youth. You have broken the chain in a long line of fine Hogwarts pantomimes. And for all this," she looked around the silent room,
"I want to thank you for the most wonderful evening of my life." And she smiled. Hermione presented her with the flowers, beaming, and hugged her Professor. Those who were not already standing on their chairs stood there now, ready to scream their lungs out. But McGonagall waved for silence.
"Such brilliant performances I have never seen. Such ability to cope under pressure I have not seen in people three times the age. This is truly a triumph for Hogwarts..."
Lee sat in the effects box, bored. All this mushy business wasn't his kind of thing. He'd already pressed all of the buttons, and was now left with nothing to do.
"Get on with it," he muttered. McGonagall wasn't showing any signs of holding off.
He was actually going to miss this place... he looked down at the controls once more. Then he spotted it... a tiny switch he hadn't noticed before, marked
Do Not Press. Highly Dangerous. Trapdoor.
"Cool!" he whispered. He scanned the stage, searching for the outline of the trapdoor he knew must be there. It couldn't have been better placed. It was right under the feet of... Draco. The blond boy was still arm in arm with Hermione. As Lee watched, he pulled her too him for another lingering kiss. Something clicked inside Lee's head. The play was over. Hermione's attraction to Draco, however, was obviously not.
"Hang on. That Johnny is jonesin' with my girl! I should kick his arse into the middle of next Wednesday!"
Lee looked angrily at Draco. The time was ripe...
"Show's over, pretty boy!" And he pressed the button.
"...and it really has been wonderful." McGonagall was crying with emotion. Through her sniffles, she came to the last sentence of the speech.
"I've said it before *sob* and I'll say it again. *Sniff* This really has been the best, most fulfilling night of my li-AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!"
McGonagall disappeared out of sight. Lee stared in horror as he realised what had happened. Draco was on the disused trapdoor. (Still jonesin' with my girl, he thought with annoyance.) McGonagall had fallen through the trapdoor he had opened. Oh, shit.
"I think it's all over," he moaned in horror. The microphone was on; everyone heard his words.
McGonagall emerged, tears gone from her eyes which were flashing dangerously in Lee's direction. She was covered in dust, and trailing behind her was what looked like half of the 'Aladdin' scenery from last year and part of a Chinese dragon.
"JORDAN!"
Lee had no choice but to run for it. Oh, well. It had been a fun evening while it lasted.
His last words were to go down in Hogwarts history.
"It is now!"
***
End of Part Three
End of the Autumn Term
A/N: Well, that was the Autumn Term. If you haven't already, could you please, please PLEASE review us? We really want to hear your opinions on this. We are already planning the next two terms and they will be posted here as soon as we can finish them. There is still time for appropriate suggestions to be incorporated. Your opinions count for a lot! We want to write something that people want to read (people other than ourselves, that is.) So just take a minute to tell us what you think. Constructive criticisms welcome, praise even moreso. hehe. Okay, well... we really, really hope you enjoyed reading this so far. See you for the Summer Term! Aurora and Drosera, 8th March 2001.