((Titanic is not my movie. It's owned by Warner Brothers or something I don't know I never really much cared for it as a movie, I thought it was really bland in telling the story of a boat. So I wrote this little diddy just to be funny.))
Titanic: The True and Untold Story.
A short while ago in a galaxy not really far away. An immense ship was about to set sail; it was named the Titanic. The story starts on the Mississippi River.
A rich girl named Rose boarded the ship for its maiden voyage. Rose was a rich snobby girl. She climbed up the gangplank using twenty dolor bills to fan her face.
"This boat is ugly. I want a pink boat," she complained.
The captain, who was completely blind in both eyes and had two peg legs, came up to her. "Arrrg! We ran out of pink paint."
"Squawk! Pink paint. Pink paint," the green and also blind parrot atop his shoulder repeated.
"Yes Stinky. Good parrot. Have a cracker," the captain shoved a cracker down the parrots throat. He then waddled past Rose and onto the ship.
In a local pawnshop across the street from the dock, a young man named Jack was trading his cat Muffin.
"Make up your mind!" the nasty shop keeper yelled at Jack.
"Either trade for the 1970 Ford Mustang or the pair of fifth class Titanic tickets,"the shop keeper grew impatient.
Jack couldn't make up his mind. "Hmm. Both are good offers," he scratched his head.
"Will you make up your mind already!" the shop keeper screamed angrily shaking his fists in the air.
"The tickets," he said quickly. He took his tickets off the counter.
He the took Muffin out of the brown paper bag, "Sorry Muffin, but I like boats better. Besides I'm allergic to ca.. ca.. ca..," sneezes, "cats."
"Gazontight," the shop keeper took the cat and placed it on a shelve.
Jack walked out of the shop holding the tickets in his hand. He looked at his Mighty Mouse watch. "Jumping jackrabbits! The ships going to leave in one minuet!" He ran across the street and up the gangplank. Jack showed the ticket guy the two tickets. "Hey any way I could exchange these two fifth class tickets for one first class ticket?" he asked the man.
"Why yes," said the man as he handed one first class ticket to Jack.
Jack ran across the ship whooping and hollering past some people picking their noses.
Rose, who was getting a tan in the tanning salon, noticed jack running all over. She all of a sudden got a smile on her face. A very disturbing smile. She got up from her tan and walked out of the door. No sooner did she leave the area that the tanning both blew up.
Jack got to his room and opened the door. He threw his backpack in the corner and ran to the bed. He grabbed the little mint on the pillow and shoved it into his mouth. "Mmm. I love mints."
He picked up the phone and dialed room service to order one hundred more mints. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" he called. No answer. "I said who is it?" still no answer. "Who is it!? You're not saying anything." Finally he walked up to the door and opened it.
It was Rose. "Hello you don't know me, but I'm Rose. I'm staying down the hall. Do you care to take a walk?"
Jack couldn't think of any excuses to give her on such short notice se he was kind of stuck. So he agreed to take a walk.
"Lets get a move on! Arrg!" the captain yelled as he put the boat in drive. How he can drive being blind is beyond me, but anyway. The boat chugged on hitting a few rocks and the occasional fishing show host along the way, but they finally made it to the Gulf of Mexico.
Jack and Rose were walking down the port side of the ship past Gordon fisherman. He was catching some fish sticks. Then Nessy the Loch Ness monster swam by.
"So your from England?" Jack asked making small talk.
"Yep," she answered.
"No kidding me too!" Jack replied. Just then a lawn chair blew up and a spy in a black trench coat was standing there holding a bomb in his hand.
"He he he he!" the spy laughed in a high squeaky voice. Then the spy took off really fast down the poop deck.
"What in the world was that?" Jack asked a little dazed and confused. Then another spy in a white trench coat appeared holding another bomb. Then it took after the other spy. "It's a terrorist bombing!" Jack concluded. "Be right back," he told Rose who was standing there like a deer looks at an on coming car.
Jack was chasing after the spy's who were running and laughing in their high pitched voices throwing bombs at each other.
Jack then finally caught up with the two loony bins. He grabbed them by their necks. "Got you now, you crazy lunatics," he then heard a hissing sound coming from the two spies'. "That sounds like…….,"
He looked down at what he thought were spies, but they weren't spies but bombs disguised as spies.
Jack looked over the side of the ship and saw the two swimming out to sea. Still trying to blow each other up. Then he remembered the bombs. He quickly grabbed them and threw them over board. Jack then ran in a drawn out over exaggerated slow motion run across the ship, passing several dancing monkeys. When he got to the edge he jumped over the side of the ship and into the water just as the bombs exploded.
Rose ran to the rail and searched for Jack in the water. "Jack? Jack? Ware are you?" she called frantically.
"Right over here," Jack answered from the left down the deck.
Rose looked at him, then at the water, then at him, then at the water again. She was more confused then a really confused person.
"How did you? I mean, I saw you go overboard."
"Nope who you saw was Jim Bob my stunt double," he explained as a different guy came out of the water.
"Oh I see now," she looked down at the stunt double.
Meanwhile on the bridge the captain was steering the ship when one of the crew members busted in holding a Kleenex.
"Sir! Sir!" the man yelled.
"What is it Jimmy? Arrg!" the captain asked while still steering the boat.
"We've discovered an ice cube straight ahead sir!" Jimmy screamed terrified that they wouldn't be able to turn the ship on time.
"What do you take me for a fool? There's no ice cube. I might be blind but I'm not stupid," he continued steering the ship straight ahead.
"No sir there really is an ice cube!" Jimmy started jumping up and down frantically. "Turn the ship! Turn the ship! Turn the ship!"
"Now listen here! I'm the captain and I say there is no ice cube and we go straight!"
"Well in that case I'm out of here!" Jimmy jumped into the only life boat aboard the ship and rowed as far away as he could possibly go.
Jack and Rose were starring blankly at the water.
"Jack, there's something I have to tell you," she said backing away from the rail.
"What? What is it?" he asked concerned.
"Jack I am," Rose takes of her mask, "your father!"
Rose turned out to be a Rob in a cheep Halloween costume.
"No! It's not true!" Jack cried.
"Yes. Join me and together we can sink this ship as father and son." Rob laughed an evil laugh.
"No, I'll never turn to the dark side. I'll never join you!" Jack picked up his orange light saber.
"Then so be it," Rob also picked up his purple light saber. Jack and his father then had a light saber duel.
As the captain steered the ship happily to its doom.
"I'm the best captain in the world!" he shouted just as he hit the ice cube. "Oh oh." He put Stinky on the steering wheal and ran as fast as his little peg legs could carry him. "If anyone asks I did it!" He jumped over the side and was eaten by Godzilla.
"Squawk! I did it! I did it!" the parrot repeated. It waited for its usual cracker. "What no cracker!" Stinky got angry. "I'm out of here!" Stinky flew away to New York and became a Broadway star.
On deck everyone was screaming and yelling, and running all over like chickens with their heads cut off. While Jack and Rob continued with their duel. Rob knocked Jacks saber out of his hand.
"Give it up son. I win." He said ready to kill his son.
"No, I'll never give up! You are my father!" he cringed ready to die.
His dad put down the light saber. "Your right. I'm sorry."
Then as they have a father son moment the boat sinks to the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico. Jack and his dad survive.
"Hey son lets go to the ice cream shop and get some lime sherbet."
"Yeah dad that would be great." They swim off to the ice cream shop to have some lime sherbet and are never heard from again because the sherbet was poisoned and they died.
THE END.