Revelations of Love
Author: Jozzy
Summary: Sequel to 'Seeing Her'. Fred thinks about Gunn.
Spoilers: Season 3 of Angel
Rating: G
Pairing: F/G
Revelations of Love
Its been several weeks since we first kissed. I am so in love it blows my mind. That seems strange for me to say. I have never been in love before this. Late at night when no one can hear my thoughts I sometimes wonder if I am truly in love at all. Those thoughts worry me. But how do I know this is love if I have never experienced it before. Just another paradox that plagues me now.
Loving Gunn is not like anything I have ever done before. He is different from everyone I've ever known. We are not your average couple I know. Not just because of the obvious, but because our personalities differ so much.
Gunn is such a physical person. He wants to go out and do things, he is a leader. He speaks his mind and never backs down. Sometimes he can be too stubborn and I don't think he and Angel get along as well as he pretends. Gunn can't make himself trust a vampire, no matter what the circumstances.
Gunn is more vibrant than I am. He sees a job needing doing and he steps up and starts, most of the time without a plan or any background information. Sometimes this causes him to stumble but in the end he always succeeds. He accomplish what he sets out to do.
I am nothing like that. I would start a job by researching every possible aspect about it, then I would find out everyone else's ideas, and then I would decide if I would follow them or come up with a plan of my own. I am a follower and meek enough for people to just expect my subservience.
I have spent too large a time as a slave. As if any time would be okay. But it stripped me of what little backbone I had. I can no longer express my ideas openly. I hesitate before I speak in all situations (when I actually think before blurting things out.) I have become a mutation, an evolution of the timid mouse I was before Pylia.
Slavery has imposed itself on my mind and even now, free of my collar, my mind is still trapped in the idea of imprisonment. I wish desperately to break free of this confinement. Perhaps that is what draws me so vehemently towards Gunn.
I am not myself when I am with him. I am a better person I think. I become stronger in his presence. I think that he does this, albeit unconsciously, to me. Around Gunn no one can be timid his aura of confidence leaks from his structure and seeps into your own or you are overpowered by it.
Does this mean that I am just using him? Do I abuse his true affection, for need of some type of power of my own? I don't know. I don't think so. Because even though he makes me stronger that is not the only thing that makes me love him.
I think, hope that my love for Gunn is true. I hope that his love for me is true, though I don't know why it would be.
I have to stop thinking about this. It hurts my heart and confuses my soul.