Touch. So simple thing, but... But it's so important to her, to me, to us. Bling said that I shouldn't get discouraged just because we can't kiss, because I can't caress her silky skin, or because I can't -- we can't make love. He tells me that we can still be together, that love should overpower it all but... That's not what this is about. It's about her not wanting to stand near me. It's about how I wanted to die when I watched her seize but couldn't comfort her because of the steely look in her eyes. To me it doesn't make a difference if I die. I would rather die a thousand deaths, endure years of torture, and live in a world of darkness if it meant being with her for just one more moment. If it meant being with her one more time. It wouldn't have to be a kiss, a stroke, a touch. Just to have her in my arms once more would be enough. To be able to smell her hair, to feel her breath, to listen to her heartbeat. For that I would die forever.
It kills me that every time I see her she seems so hateful, so bitter towards me. As if it's my fault that we're both drifting. I suppose it is my fault. I feel her slipping away. It's like I'm holding water in my hands and I'm watching it fall in-between my stretched fingers, to fall away forever... and not even cupping my hand to keep it longer. But I'm so scared. Scared that if we become close again the pain when we can't be together will be even worse.
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I miss him so much. I miss walking past him and nonchalantly brushing my shoulder against his arm. I miss "accidentally" touching his fingers when passing things to each other. I even miss leaning over his computer chair to read the screen. I never knew I could miss anything so much. Actually, I knew I could, in Manticore I missed him. I missed Logan. Now that I'm out, he's right in front of me and I don't get it all back. I don't get our friendly banter, our chess games, our dinners... I don't get him. All I get is his body, empty words, and sad looks.
I know his words are only provoked by mine. I know that I smart mouth him and keep my guard up now. I no longer treat him as I did before. Maybe I cause the space between us, through my fake indifference. But it's all I can do. I hate my goddamned body, my DNA, my makers. I hate all of them. I just wish it were different. Sometimes I imagine how it would be if I had never been selfish and persuaded everyone to take down Manticore. Zack would still be alive and Logan and I would still be together. It's a great dream. But that's all it is; a dream.
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I was the first person Logan turned to for help. It's sort of ironic how he turns to me, a quadriplegic, for help. I still remember his exact words. "Sebastian, I need help! This thing... Oh god Sebastian I need help!" He broke down crying and sobbing. The poor man, I feel so sorry for him. He's finally found a woman he loves and now he's not allowed to come into contact with her.
Sometimes he really takes things for granted. I mean, in the beginning he could still use his arms, he could talk on his own. And then he got the exoskeleton but that wasn't enough for him. Finally the woman he loves comes back from the dead and all he can think about is not being able to touch her. He should just thank god he can still see her. He can hear her voice. Not all people are as lucky...
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They all see me as their heartless boss, but that's not how it is. I hear them talking even though they act like I'm deaf. I know that Max and her little boyfriend aren't allowed physical contact. Why, I don't understand but they just can't. Honestly, my heart goes out to the poor girl. It's hard to find someone that can love you the way that Logan loves her.
I "bip, bip, bip" her to no end and I feel guilty. But this is my job. This is my life. I need food too. I need to pay for my apartment, for my clothes, for water and electricity. Sometimes I wish they would just see past my boss facade and see that I want to belong. To be one of them.
I look at what's left of the old Max as she walks in and I pity her. If I ever had kids I suppose I would want them to be just like Max, strong, independent, smart, tough. "Hot Run! Sector 9!" I toss the package to Max and she catches it easily. She glares at me but walks back to the door anyway. Poor Max, poor girl. I hope everything changes and she's ok again. She may hate me and she may be young enough to be my daughter but sometimes I pretend that I'm just like all the other people here. That she's my friend.
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