Part 7

The child-queen stared at Qui-Gon in open concern. "Are you well, Master Jinn?" she asked, her voice betraying that she feared he was not. "Are you certain you are prepared to continue this mission?"

Qui-Gon nodded slowly, knowing full well what prompted Amidala's concerns. In the past few weeks, he had not been well-- had not been himself. Or at least, he had not been the Qui-Gon she remembered. He was changed on account of his fears... on account of the nightmares which haunted him. The worst part of it was, it wasn't just the Queen who noticed it. Everyone noticed it, from the council members who kept him company to the lowest servant of the palace. While touring the palace in the company of one council member or another, Qui-Gon
would suddenly turn pale and stop dead in his tracks. Once, three of Amidala's handmaidens rounded the corner ahead of them, and Qui-Gon started in terror. Several times,he had even pulled his lightsaber on the servants who came to change his bedding and tidy his rooms. In each case, Qui-Gon had not seen these
people for who they were. In his mind, he was seeing the dark one coming at him, stalking him with his double-edged lightsaber swinging wildly. All the others saw, however, was a man out of control.

To an extent, they were right... but only to an extent. After having recovered from the exhaustion of travel, Qui-Gon found that his nights were filled with nightmares. He could not sleep without seeing them, and meditation seemed not help. In his desperation, Qui- Gon began to wonder if Mace and Yoda had been wrong to send him here. What if he could not overcome his fear? What if his fear overcame him?

Then, one sleepless night, he stole out of his room and began prowling the corridors of the palace. With the palace entombed in shadow, Qui-Gon revisited the places which gave him the most pain. Each time he did so he willed himself to give his fears over to the Force, and with each night-visit, Qui-Gon felt his fear fading. It was not a swift, easy healing process, but as the weeks wore on, he felt the change in himself. He finally felt whole again.

"Yes, my Queen," Qui-Gon replied, turning his attention back to Amidala. He had come to her, requesting permission to begin the next leg of his journey. The pilot of his transport had been notified of his decision and already the tiny craft was being readied for departure. Qui-Gon need only gain the queen's blessing in the matter. "The... illness which plagued me has passed. I am fit for travel and more than willing to begin."

He felt Amidala's gaze searing into him at the mention of an "illness." She studied him closely, as if trying to decide if he was being truthful. "This illness you speak of... it has concerned me greatly these past few weeks. I should like to know the nature of it."

Her voice was gentle, and yet demanding. Qui-Gon glanced around them at the handmaidens. They had been silent thus far, but he knew better than to think they would remain so should he reveal his secret. Were he to speak, rumors--more rumors than already existed-- would begin to fly. It was bad enough that there were plenty of rumors back home, and an equal amount of whisperings here. But
whisperings were nothing compared to the damage the truth could bring, were it to be distorted by a million gossiping tongues.

"I'd rather not say," he responded at last, his voice strained. "I am well; that alone should be enough for you." As he spoke, he remembered the look on Mace Windu's face when he admitted that the rest of Council doubted Qui-Gon's recovery. The need to prove himself rose up in him, filling his soul. And if that meant not revealing his weaknesses, so be it.

"No, it's not enough. I need to be sure that you are capable of completing this mission."

Her eyes were filled with concern for him, but Qui-Gon saw only doubt and it angered him. "What you *need* to know is what I tell you, young lady," Qui-Gon responded, implying that the queen was too young to make the decisions placed before her.

The tone in his voice--one which Amidala had not heard since their first trek into Mos Espa when he believed her to be an interfering servant--shocked her, inflaming her to indignance. "You dare to speak to me that way?" Her voice rose imperiously. "You may be an authority on Coruscant, Master Jinn, but here I am sole ruler. I forbid you to leave here until you tell me what I must know."

Qui-Gon stared at her for several seconds in disbelief. How are this... this *child* dictate his life? He glared at her darkly before turning on his heel and striding away...

********

Moments after leaving the queen's chamber, Qui-Gon stalked into his rooms, using the Force to throw the door open and slap it shut behind him. The sound of it echoed down the hall. As the echo faded away, Qui-Gon felt his anger fading as well. In its place, he felt only weakness and exhaustion. He had been trying so hard to convince himself that he was fine. All he wanted to do was forget it
all... forget the Sith, forget the pain and the humiliation, forget the concern secretive glances which followed him. Perhaps in forgetting, he could make
others forget it. Then his life could truly return to normal...

He sighed, remembering his behavior in the queen's presence. It was unspeakable. He'd let his emotions get the better of him... let his pride get the better of him. It was a fault he could not afford to indulge in, he realized with much sorrow. Meditation... that was what he needed--a few hours of peace and contemplation within the flow of the Force.

Qui-Gon was just sitting down to meditate when he heard a soft rapping on his door. "Come in," he said from his position on the floor. A lone handmaiden entered hesitantly and found him seated in a lotus position in the middle of the room. She crossed the room, kneeling before him. Qui-Gon studied the handmaiden carefully... and knew her true identity within seconds of making eye contact.

"Forgive me, highness," he said in a low voice. "I was rude, as I should have not have been."

Amidala shook her head sadly. "I could have been more discreet. Something has troubled you since you first arrived here, and I should have known you might not wish to discuss it openly. Still..." she looked at him with kindness in her young eyes. "I wish you would share those troubles with me."

Still, Qui-Gon hesitated. He did not know if he could reveal his problems to her.

"Please, Qui-Gon," she pleaded with him. "You need not bear these things alone. If there is anything I can do for you--either in my capacity as Queen or as a mere friend--let me do so."

Qui-Gon closed his eyes, reaching out to the Force for guidance. In his mind, he saw the young queen befriending a frightened boy who had just left the only life he'd ever known an uncertain future. Then he saw her, here in this very room, pouring out her heart to him, revealing depths of kindness. It couldn't hurt, he realized. "I'm sorry, Amidala. I have tried to keep it to myself, but I find I
cannot. I have been... very ill... for a very long time. I have had... nightmares, and coming here has made them worse." As he said the words, he
saw her alarm grow. Placing a hand on her arm, he assured her, "they are gone now."

"Tell me... " Amidala asked... "what were they about, these nightmares?"

"They were about my death," Qui-Gon replied and began to tell her about them.