I know this was ages ago, but my big rant is quite comedic, so I left it in. Brain Drain kicked ASS! Best ep ever. Except would've been better had there been a guest star by the name of Shannen in it...
And I added more. To the 'greats' section. Mwa ha ha ha ha... go! Read! Review or I'll cry! I don't care if you've done it before! DO IT AGAIN!!!
If you like Paige, I'd advise you to skip this hella long rant and just read the story, which suffice, does not include Paige, ha ha.
So I saw episode three of series 4 last night, and MAN was I soooo mad!!! The CHEEK of that Paige! I hate her I hate her I hate her why wasn't I warned she'd say the most horrible thing anyone has ever said!?!?! "It's okay to hate Prue"? "It's okay to hate Prue"??? At this point I shouted at the TV, "Screw you, bitch - it's okay to hate YOU!!!" I was so mad. Then Piper took a mental at Prue's grave, and I was like "ooh Piper how could you" You know, my theory is this was the writers taking a jab at Shannen Doherty, who LEFT and was not fired. (also they put that she was 31 on her grave... hehehe) But I couldn't have been more pissed off. Grrr can't believe she said that. It's so not okay to hate Prue... NYAHHHH! And how come in Charmed poeple are buried in the wall and not in the ground? My friend pointed out how funny it would be if Prue's corpse fell out on top of Piper when she was smackin her grave. Oh why Prue, why? ANYHOO, there WERE some highlights, for example the first one when Paige called herself a freak (mwa ha) and from then on as Piper turned into a mental with funny markings on her face, and tried to kill everyone - especially Paige who she CONVENIENTLY tried to strangle but failed. Do it right, Panpipes! Yeah - absolute starring performance from my good friend Holly, almost brought a tear to my eye. Almost. And only one eye, not both. And did anyone else find Leo and Cole incredibly annoying? All they did was moan!
Though the good thing about Piper turning crazy was that whenever people told me I was being unrealistic when I made Piper swear all the time, I think that episode proved she is soooo totally capable of it. Which means... all of you were wrong, and I couldn't be more right!!! MWA HA HA! If only they'd showed it after 10pm, then they could include swearing in it... APPP!
Oh yeah - the Prue Count (that's the number of time they say the word 'Prue') was an almighty ELEVEN!!! Way to go! Not like the pithey 8 times last week. Pah! And what is it with everyone fancying Paige? Last time I checked, guys did not find pasty-faced, bug-eyed, stoopid-haired, lollipop-headed, chin-with-a-dent-in-it buffoons like her.
God damn - 'it's okay to hate Prue'? So mad.
Apparently Paige and Phoebe switch bodies next time. I can't think who I feel more sorry for...
Alright, I'm sorry, that was my rant of the... ten minutes. I just can't believe she said that. What a bitch! I just can't... oh, I'm doing it again. Right. (deep breath) Phew. Okay.
Nobody's Hallow's Day (I can play the opposites game!)
"Come on you idiums!" Prue yelled up the stairs. Piper came out- I mean, down. She was looking... um... interesting in a big pink puffy fairy princess dress which Alyssa Milano would put before her life! Phoebe came downstairs looking like Phoebe, but instead of the obligatory brown to blonde to brown to blonde to brown hair dos she usually sported, she wore a big stoopid wig. Probably to support her G.I. Jane haircut! She started talking some nonsense about how witches are portrayed balh blah blah. But the real action only started, of course, when Prue said her first words of the year:
"It amazes me how you can make a statement and show cleavage at the same time," Prue said, obviously unimpressed.
Smiling at Prue's 'compliment', Phoebe promptly tripped over her own 'assets' which she'd had so much surgery on and now were so big they were trip-over-able!
The doorbell rang and Phoebe answered it. Two bald white doods stood, giving her evils. She laughed in their faces.
"Hey guys, isn't that funny? They look just like the wooahohohooahooahhhwoahohwhoa!" That was seriously the sound she made. The Grimlocks wandered into their nice house and began strangling Piper and Phoebe. It was a very good moment when Prue walked in, because she'd never seen her sisters with stoopider looks on their faces. However, she thought she'd be kind and TK'd the Grimlocks away.
Then a random portal opened and making stupid noises, the girls were sucked through. Leo came... through, and began shouting at the ceiling while Darryl began to think that he should really drink some alcohol. They ran off up into the attic like the useless little children they are.
The Grimlocks exchanged some boring conversation, then followed them.
* * *
400 years previously, a portal opened up in a big grassy field, and the Charmed Ones fell out, landing hard. Mwa ha... anyway. Prue got up and used her vast knowledge to say "This is just a guess, but I'd say we were in 1674 or something on All Hallow's Eve and it's roughly 5:32pm. That's an alter and those," she indicated the shouting men riding horses in their direction, "are witch hunters."
They ran and hid in the bushes like the cowards they were. The witch hunters began to, well, hunt. Some guy found them. He began to raise the alarm.
"Hey! I found them! They're over here! Here!" he looked around. "Guys - where're you going? I said over here!" he looked at the three cowering idiots. "Dammit - I'll get you, just you wait." And he ran off.
The Charmed Ones sighed. Prue wondered what this feeling was that she had about the man. The Charmed Ones then high-fived for no particular reason. Then they got some bags shoved over their heads. Phoebe's was a little tight, and she couldn't breathe properly. Piper couldn't breath at all, which she displayed by collapsing. They were dragged off into this little cave type thing, then were freed from their suffocate-ma-jigs.
A blonde woman was staring at them. She said one word: "Ew." Then she went on to say a big thing about them being good witches because of a doorway blah-de-blah. Piper completely zoned out, Prue engaged herself in silent conversation with a leaf that was sliding across the floor and Phoebe began to wonder when she would get to fly a broomstick.
"I'm Ava," the woman said, "and we sent for you." Prue said something but it wasn't that important. "What do you mean you don't know all this stuff?" Ava demanded, "We sent for you, you came, and now you're gimps?"
"Who did you send for?" Piper grabbed Ava by the thraot and began strangulation.
"Only the most... powerful witches... of all time," Ava choked out.
Prue gave a look that meant she thought it was totally acceptable and believable that someone would think that. About Prue (I know, it's weird for me too).
"Okay, so we're in the past now and I'm wearing a big poofy dress," Piper moaned, "and it's pink!"
Phoebe had never looked more envious of Piper in her life.
And, evidently, all the witches from the past were jealous too, because they made the Charmed Ones undress right in front of them, beat them with small twigs and then very big branches for a while (they SAID it was to authenticate them, to make them look like real witches at the time, but Piper wasn't so sure) and then ordered them to put on different clothes. Phoebe was upset, because she had to do ALL the buttons up.
They left the cave, then triggered some sort of talisman charm thing, which got them caught. They all blamed Phoebe.
"Hang the witches!" everybody shouted. I agreed.
* * *
"Die, witch," the evil dood said to Prue, who squinted at him.
"Yah!" the guys shouted at the horses, saying that word that people seem to think is what you say to make horses run, because they do it in all the movies but probably not in real life. Wow - that sentence was refreshingly long! Only that when they shouted "yah" it actually worked and the horses bolted, dropping the sisters to their inevitable dooms. Phoebe soiled herself, but since she had approximately 0.254 of a second left to live, she didn't really care.
'Is this what it's like to be dead?' Piper thought, realising she didn't want to spend the eternity of her death hanging from this goddamn tree with people she couldn't hate more.
The guy Prue had the hots for wandered underneath them and realised they were still alive. He cut the rope and the Charmed Ones fell to the ground. Splat. "Incompetant fools!" he cried, "they don't even know how to hang people properly anymore! What's this centuary coming to!" He then ran away shouting something along lines of "I'll see to it they kill those witches next time!" Of course, that's only what I think it was. It could just as easily have been "Hey me. You're fit! Say, give those b*tches sex, you swine!" Somehow, my common sense directs me to the first one. Ha! Common sense - good one!
Phoebe picked herself up off her candy ass which she'd landed on. Think her lucky - Piper and Prue landed on their faces, which consequently got smushed up. Prue looked better than ever!
Moaning, Piper got a rock and used it to beat the bone that was protruding from her her leg, back into her flesh. It was an experience she'd quite like to have again!
They somehow knew the way back to the cave where the witches lived.
* * *
Back the manor, Darryl was at present pacing around the attic. It was well boring, so we'll see why the Charmed Ones are actually there!
* * *
Cole sniffed. "Look, these witches are quite strong, well, a little bit anyway."
The big evil witch lady looked at him. "Look, you, we gots to kill this baby as soon as it pops out, right? So why don't we kill the pregnant woman too?"
Cole sighed. "Because we have to do it the most boring and complicated way!"
* * *
"Where are you from?" the Ava asked politely.
"Where're YOU from?" Prue accused, and got bitch-slapped. Aww. It's times like this when I wish Prue hadn't died. In retaliation, Prue stuck her finger in Ava's... bullet wound (you dirty...) which resulted in Ava howling like Phoebe when she hasn't had sex for two days.
"Woah woah woah, what're you doing?" Piper stared at the little woman with the big poker-hot poker. Makes sense that it was poker-hot, being a poker that was hot and all.
The little woman looked at Piper like she was totally stoopid. Well, I can understand that. "Cauterising the wounds!" Oh, sorry - did I forget to mention Ava got shot? Oh, right, well... she did, okay?
Phoebe put her hand up. "What does cauterising mean?" Everyone looked at her like she was some sort of retard. Oh, wait - never mind. Nobody replied. I think it's because they didn't know either. Idiums. Mind you, I don't know...
Piper went off on some speil about not knowing magic but knowing some other sort of crap, and ten minutes later, they finally began to look after 'bleedin Ava'.
* * *
'Back at the manor' (I think I've made that sentence a cliche!), Darryl was now presently getting strangled through a keyhole, until Leo decided to finally try to be useful and went to help him by orbing him out. They disappeared, god knows where to, but they were in a rather dodgy position when they orbed out so let's not follow up on that okay?
* * *
Now the Charmed Ones had rescued the pregnant lady (Look, if you can't remember when that happened, I DID write it, I swear - you must've blacked out and missed it, okay???) they were pissed off because she'd decided to have the baby in the middle of that goddamn field. What's more, the witch-hunters had decided, conveniently enough, to search for them in that exact spot. What a surprise!
They were presently deciding (they seem to decide a lot here) who was going to deliver the baby, and both were ganging up on poor Piper.
"We know for a fact that you're gonna have one in the future," Phoebe said, laughing inside about the fact that she already knew their future would be different from how it'd been when they time-travelled into it. For starters, she had Cole. Well, she didn't have him yet, but she was working on a potion, okay? Anyway, also, she knew that Prue died sometime. She'd had a premonition where Prue was gone and they'd had this stoopid, ugly, pasty-faced, bug-eyed, lollipop-shaped head with a dent-in-it's-chin idium. With a stoopid name, Phoebe couldn't remember it, apart from the fact that it started with a 'P' and rhymed with 'road rage' or something bleurgh like that. Phoebe realised that she'd just completely zoned out and hadn't been paying attention for the last ten minutes.
"I always get the messy jobs," Piper griped, always the one to find something to moan about. God, inconsiderate hoe! There's someone having a baby on the floor!
They set to work, Phoebe began chucking bits of apple left right and centre, hitting Prue in the kidney several times. She and Prue began to chant randomly some words they somehow knew off the top of their heads.
Piper had a baby. Oh, I mean she delivered it!
Then the witch-hunter doods began shooting at them. Missing, of course.
"Why are they such bad aims!" Piper moaned, wishing this whole sordid affair was just over - the baby was crying and she was covered in blood and yech!
Phoebe took the broom and stuck on the hat. "I'm going to embrace the cliche" she hopped on the broom and began flying about, cackling like some sort of buffoon. Oh, wait.
The evil witch hunters (hey they're not evil - they're just misunderstood) all buggered off in 'terror'. Phoebe truely was having a great time, until Harry Potter flew in on HIS broomstick and knocked her off. She lay, crumpled on the ground as he landed beside her.
"Bitch!" he shouted, "we had the understanding that I was the book and movie deal to fly broomsticks, not some shoddy second-rate show like YOURS!" He threw some stuff at her, then flew away. Aw, what a sweet guy!
* * *
Back at the cave, the Charmed Ones had somehow known the way to get there once again. They talked to the not-so-pregnany lady for a while.
"I promise my daughter will know of you," the not-so-pregnant lady said. Prue grimaced at having this blob of human know who she was.
"Great," Prue said, "Another fan." Inside, she was jumping about being crazy, thinking 'oh my god oh my god someone who'll know me but never meet me in person so will think I'm great and not know what a crap person I really am!'
"What'cha gonna call her?" Piper asked.
"Melinda Warren." said not-so-pregnant lady. Piper bitch-slapped her for not naming it Piper. Then she realised something and said it. Wow!
"I think we're related," she smiled.
Prue looked horrified. "We better not be! Look how ugly it is!"
Phoebe giggled. "Well now we know where Prue got her looks from!"
Prue had never looked more enraged in her life. Except from that time when... oh, and that time... oh and - oh, screw it - Prue was enraged. She was about to lunge for Phoebe when the portal opened, and the girls began making those retarded noises they do so frequently. They got sucked through. It's maybe better that they didn't hear little Melinda Warren laugh for joy that they were finally gone.
* * *
Leo and Darryl were conveniently being strangled as the sisters returned. They'd already vanquished a Grimlock, but the other had made Leo drop the second potion. Prue had obviously thinking of something cool to say for a long time, about 400 years (drum roll, please) because she said "Hey haven't I vanquished you somewhere before?"
It was a little weird, because the same thing happened as what happened the LAST time they'd vanquished the Grimlocks: one got vanquished but then somebody dropped the potion for the second one, smashing it. Then as it looked like all hope was lost, Prue saved the day by TK'ing the potion off the ground and onto the Grimdood. Hmm, haven't we seen this before? God I remember that time, Piper fell down a hole - for real!!! Maybe I'll tell you the story of that one day, one day. Anyhoo, once again, the day was saved, thanks to Prujo-Jojo!
They went to P3.
* * *
Piper had got a nu-metal band to play P3, who hit Phoebe continually over the noggin with their guitars. It was comical. Prue spent 17 minutes spouting off about the lesson they'd learned, and for once Phoebe not only paid attention, but understood and agreed with what Prue was saying! She added in to the conversation, before getting bored.
"So much knowledge, so much power that we lost. And I just don't care!" Phoebe flounced away and jumped into some random guy's arms.
*I advise you readers to use the PAGE DOWN button when reading this next part*
"And I got to help deliver our great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, 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great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandmother." It was past four AM by the time Piper had finished her sentence. And she didn't realise that she was totally wrong, unless all her grandmothers before her had had kids when they were about five years old.
Micah wandered over to them. "Hi," he said to Prue, "I don't mean to be nice or anything, but I've been watching you all night."
Prue looked absolutely delighted, but he hadn't finished his sentence.
"Wondering why you didn't die 400 years ago!" he yelled, flailing his arms about, smacking Leo, who appeared out of nowhere, several times. Prue smiled at Micah, and they walked away, tail in tail (don't ask).
Cole came in wearing a big fluffy angel outfit. Phoebe wished it was pink. She skipped over to him and told him so.
"I'm no angel," Cole said straying completely from Phoebe's point, but silently pleading for her to just go away!
"That's okay," she said, "I'm not either." This could have been quite a cool-ish thing to say had she not ruined it by saying "see, cos if you look at my costoom (look I even added in the accent!) you'll see I'm a witch! Hey, Cole, did you know I'm a witch in real life too?" she continued chirruping on, but Cole just slapped his forehead and rolled his eyes. This was gonna be a long night.
THE END.
Oh, by the way - if some of this story jumped about a lot and didn't make much sense, then it's not me, it's you. And I know it's crappy. Ah well.
I'm just cheesin I was right about Piper!
Still can't believe what Paige said... grrrr.
Prue lives!
kt
And I added more. To the 'greats' section. Mwa ha ha ha ha... go! Read! Review or I'll cry! I don't care if you've done it before! DO IT AGAIN!!!
If you like Paige, I'd advise you to skip this hella long rant and just read the story, which suffice, does not include Paige, ha ha.
So I saw episode three of series 4 last night, and MAN was I soooo mad!!! The CHEEK of that Paige! I hate her I hate her I hate her why wasn't I warned she'd say the most horrible thing anyone has ever said!?!?! "It's okay to hate Prue"? "It's okay to hate Prue"??? At this point I shouted at the TV, "Screw you, bitch - it's okay to hate YOU!!!" I was so mad. Then Piper took a mental at Prue's grave, and I was like "ooh Piper how could you" You know, my theory is this was the writers taking a jab at Shannen Doherty, who LEFT and was not fired. (also they put that she was 31 on her grave... hehehe) But I couldn't have been more pissed off. Grrr can't believe she said that. It's so not okay to hate Prue... NYAHHHH! And how come in Charmed poeple are buried in the wall and not in the ground? My friend pointed out how funny it would be if Prue's corpse fell out on top of Piper when she was smackin her grave. Oh why Prue, why? ANYHOO, there WERE some highlights, for example the first one when Paige called herself a freak (mwa ha) and from then on as Piper turned into a mental with funny markings on her face, and tried to kill everyone - especially Paige who she CONVENIENTLY tried to strangle but failed. Do it right, Panpipes! Yeah - absolute starring performance from my good friend Holly, almost brought a tear to my eye. Almost. And only one eye, not both. And did anyone else find Leo and Cole incredibly annoying? All they did was moan!
Though the good thing about Piper turning crazy was that whenever people told me I was being unrealistic when I made Piper swear all the time, I think that episode proved she is soooo totally capable of it. Which means... all of you were wrong, and I couldn't be more right!!! MWA HA HA! If only they'd showed it after 10pm, then they could include swearing in it... APPP!
Oh yeah - the Prue Count (that's the number of time they say the word 'Prue') was an almighty ELEVEN!!! Way to go! Not like the pithey 8 times last week. Pah! And what is it with everyone fancying Paige? Last time I checked, guys did not find pasty-faced, bug-eyed, stoopid-haired, lollipop-headed, chin-with-a-dent-in-it buffoons like her.
God damn - 'it's okay to hate Prue'? So mad.
Apparently Paige and Phoebe switch bodies next time. I can't think who I feel more sorry for...
Alright, I'm sorry, that was my rant of the... ten minutes. I just can't believe she said that. What a bitch! I just can't... oh, I'm doing it again. Right. (deep breath) Phew. Okay.
Nobody's Hallow's Day (I can play the opposites game!)
"Come on you idiums!" Prue yelled up the stairs. Piper came out- I mean, down. She was looking... um... interesting in a big pink puffy fairy princess dress which Alyssa Milano would put before her life! Phoebe came downstairs looking like Phoebe, but instead of the obligatory brown to blonde to brown to blonde to brown hair dos she usually sported, she wore a big stoopid wig. Probably to support her G.I. Jane haircut! She started talking some nonsense about how witches are portrayed balh blah blah. But the real action only started, of course, when Prue said her first words of the year:
"It amazes me how you can make a statement and show cleavage at the same time," Prue said, obviously unimpressed.
Smiling at Prue's 'compliment', Phoebe promptly tripped over her own 'assets' which she'd had so much surgery on and now were so big they were trip-over-able!
The doorbell rang and Phoebe answered it. Two bald white doods stood, giving her evils. She laughed in their faces.
"Hey guys, isn't that funny? They look just like the wooahohohooahooahhhwoahohwhoa!" That was seriously the sound she made. The Grimlocks wandered into their nice house and began strangling Piper and Phoebe. It was a very good moment when Prue walked in, because she'd never seen her sisters with stoopider looks on their faces. However, she thought she'd be kind and TK'd the Grimlocks away.
Then a random portal opened and making stupid noises, the girls were sucked through. Leo came... through, and began shouting at the ceiling while Darryl began to think that he should really drink some alcohol. They ran off up into the attic like the useless little children they are.
The Grimlocks exchanged some boring conversation, then followed them.
* * *
400 years previously, a portal opened up in a big grassy field, and the Charmed Ones fell out, landing hard. Mwa ha... anyway. Prue got up and used her vast knowledge to say "This is just a guess, but I'd say we were in 1674 or something on All Hallow's Eve and it's roughly 5:32pm. That's an alter and those," she indicated the shouting men riding horses in their direction, "are witch hunters."
They ran and hid in the bushes like the cowards they were. The witch hunters began to, well, hunt. Some guy found them. He began to raise the alarm.
"Hey! I found them! They're over here! Here!" he looked around. "Guys - where're you going? I said over here!" he looked at the three cowering idiots. "Dammit - I'll get you, just you wait." And he ran off.
The Charmed Ones sighed. Prue wondered what this feeling was that she had about the man. The Charmed Ones then high-fived for no particular reason. Then they got some bags shoved over their heads. Phoebe's was a little tight, and she couldn't breathe properly. Piper couldn't breath at all, which she displayed by collapsing. They were dragged off into this little cave type thing, then were freed from their suffocate-ma-jigs.
A blonde woman was staring at them. She said one word: "Ew." Then she went on to say a big thing about them being good witches because of a doorway blah-de-blah. Piper completely zoned out, Prue engaged herself in silent conversation with a leaf that was sliding across the floor and Phoebe began to wonder when she would get to fly a broomstick.
"I'm Ava," the woman said, "and we sent for you." Prue said something but it wasn't that important. "What do you mean you don't know all this stuff?" Ava demanded, "We sent for you, you came, and now you're gimps?"
"Who did you send for?" Piper grabbed Ava by the thraot and began strangulation.
"Only the most... powerful witches... of all time," Ava choked out.
Prue gave a look that meant she thought it was totally acceptable and believable that someone would think that. About Prue (I know, it's weird for me too).
"Okay, so we're in the past now and I'm wearing a big poofy dress," Piper moaned, "and it's pink!"
Phoebe had never looked more envious of Piper in her life.
And, evidently, all the witches from the past were jealous too, because they made the Charmed Ones undress right in front of them, beat them with small twigs and then very big branches for a while (they SAID it was to authenticate them, to make them look like real witches at the time, but Piper wasn't so sure) and then ordered them to put on different clothes. Phoebe was upset, because she had to do ALL the buttons up.
They left the cave, then triggered some sort of talisman charm thing, which got them caught. They all blamed Phoebe.
"Hang the witches!" everybody shouted. I agreed.
* * *
"Die, witch," the evil dood said to Prue, who squinted at him.
"Yah!" the guys shouted at the horses, saying that word that people seem to think is what you say to make horses run, because they do it in all the movies but probably not in real life. Wow - that sentence was refreshingly long! Only that when they shouted "yah" it actually worked and the horses bolted, dropping the sisters to their inevitable dooms. Phoebe soiled herself, but since she had approximately 0.254 of a second left to live, she didn't really care.
'Is this what it's like to be dead?' Piper thought, realising she didn't want to spend the eternity of her death hanging from this goddamn tree with people she couldn't hate more.
The guy Prue had the hots for wandered underneath them and realised they were still alive. He cut the rope and the Charmed Ones fell to the ground. Splat. "Incompetant fools!" he cried, "they don't even know how to hang people properly anymore! What's this centuary coming to!" He then ran away shouting something along lines of "I'll see to it they kill those witches next time!" Of course, that's only what I think it was. It could just as easily have been "Hey me. You're fit! Say, give those b*tches sex, you swine!" Somehow, my common sense directs me to the first one. Ha! Common sense - good one!
Phoebe picked herself up off her candy ass which she'd landed on. Think her lucky - Piper and Prue landed on their faces, which consequently got smushed up. Prue looked better than ever!
Moaning, Piper got a rock and used it to beat the bone that was protruding from her her leg, back into her flesh. It was an experience she'd quite like to have again!
They somehow knew the way back to the cave where the witches lived.
* * *
Back the manor, Darryl was at present pacing around the attic. It was well boring, so we'll see why the Charmed Ones are actually there!
* * *
Cole sniffed. "Look, these witches are quite strong, well, a little bit anyway."
The big evil witch lady looked at him. "Look, you, we gots to kill this baby as soon as it pops out, right? So why don't we kill the pregnant woman too?"
Cole sighed. "Because we have to do it the most boring and complicated way!"
* * *
"Where are you from?" the Ava asked politely.
"Where're YOU from?" Prue accused, and got bitch-slapped. Aww. It's times like this when I wish Prue hadn't died. In retaliation, Prue stuck her finger in Ava's... bullet wound (you dirty...) which resulted in Ava howling like Phoebe when she hasn't had sex for two days.
"Woah woah woah, what're you doing?" Piper stared at the little woman with the big poker-hot poker. Makes sense that it was poker-hot, being a poker that was hot and all.
The little woman looked at Piper like she was totally stoopid. Well, I can understand that. "Cauterising the wounds!" Oh, sorry - did I forget to mention Ava got shot? Oh, right, well... she did, okay?
Phoebe put her hand up. "What does cauterising mean?" Everyone looked at her like she was some sort of retard. Oh, wait - never mind. Nobody replied. I think it's because they didn't know either. Idiums. Mind you, I don't know...
Piper went off on some speil about not knowing magic but knowing some other sort of crap, and ten minutes later, they finally began to look after 'bleedin Ava'.
* * *
'Back at the manor' (I think I've made that sentence a cliche!), Darryl was now presently getting strangled through a keyhole, until Leo decided to finally try to be useful and went to help him by orbing him out. They disappeared, god knows where to, but they were in a rather dodgy position when they orbed out so let's not follow up on that okay?
* * *
Now the Charmed Ones had rescued the pregnant lady (Look, if you can't remember when that happened, I DID write it, I swear - you must've blacked out and missed it, okay???) they were pissed off because she'd decided to have the baby in the middle of that goddamn field. What's more, the witch-hunters had decided, conveniently enough, to search for them in that exact spot. What a surprise!
They were presently deciding (they seem to decide a lot here) who was going to deliver the baby, and both were ganging up on poor Piper.
"We know for a fact that you're gonna have one in the future," Phoebe said, laughing inside about the fact that she already knew their future would be different from how it'd been when they time-travelled into it. For starters, she had Cole. Well, she didn't have him yet, but she was working on a potion, okay? Anyway, also, she knew that Prue died sometime. She'd had a premonition where Prue was gone and they'd had this stoopid, ugly, pasty-faced, bug-eyed, lollipop-shaped head with a dent-in-it's-chin idium. With a stoopid name, Phoebe couldn't remember it, apart from the fact that it started with a 'P' and rhymed with 'road rage' or something bleurgh like that. Phoebe realised that she'd just completely zoned out and hadn't been paying attention for the last ten minutes.
"I always get the messy jobs," Piper griped, always the one to find something to moan about. God, inconsiderate hoe! There's someone having a baby on the floor!
They set to work, Phoebe began chucking bits of apple left right and centre, hitting Prue in the kidney several times. She and Prue began to chant randomly some words they somehow knew off the top of their heads.
Piper had a baby. Oh, I mean she delivered it!
Then the witch-hunter doods began shooting at them. Missing, of course.
"Why are they such bad aims!" Piper moaned, wishing this whole sordid affair was just over - the baby was crying and she was covered in blood and yech!
Phoebe took the broom and stuck on the hat. "I'm going to embrace the cliche" she hopped on the broom and began flying about, cackling like some sort of buffoon. Oh, wait.
The evil witch hunters (hey they're not evil - they're just misunderstood) all buggered off in 'terror'. Phoebe truely was having a great time, until Harry Potter flew in on HIS broomstick and knocked her off. She lay, crumpled on the ground as he landed beside her.
"Bitch!" he shouted, "we had the understanding that I was the book and movie deal to fly broomsticks, not some shoddy second-rate show like YOURS!" He threw some stuff at her, then flew away. Aw, what a sweet guy!
* * *
Back at the cave, the Charmed Ones had somehow known the way to get there once again. They talked to the not-so-pregnany lady for a while.
"I promise my daughter will know of you," the not-so-pregnant lady said. Prue grimaced at having this blob of human know who she was.
"Great," Prue said, "Another fan." Inside, she was jumping about being crazy, thinking 'oh my god oh my god someone who'll know me but never meet me in person so will think I'm great and not know what a crap person I really am!'
"What'cha gonna call her?" Piper asked.
"Melinda Warren." said not-so-pregnant lady. Piper bitch-slapped her for not naming it Piper. Then she realised something and said it. Wow!
"I think we're related," she smiled.
Prue looked horrified. "We better not be! Look how ugly it is!"
Phoebe giggled. "Well now we know where Prue got her looks from!"
Prue had never looked more enraged in her life. Except from that time when... oh, and that time... oh and - oh, screw it - Prue was enraged. She was about to lunge for Phoebe when the portal opened, and the girls began making those retarded noises they do so frequently. They got sucked through. It's maybe better that they didn't hear little Melinda Warren laugh for joy that they were finally gone.
* * *
Leo and Darryl were conveniently being strangled as the sisters returned. They'd already vanquished a Grimlock, but the other had made Leo drop the second potion. Prue had obviously thinking of something cool to say for a long time, about 400 years (drum roll, please) because she said "Hey haven't I vanquished you somewhere before?"
It was a little weird, because the same thing happened as what happened the LAST time they'd vanquished the Grimlocks: one got vanquished but then somebody dropped the potion for the second one, smashing it. Then as it looked like all hope was lost, Prue saved the day by TK'ing the potion off the ground and onto the Grimdood. Hmm, haven't we seen this before? God I remember that time, Piper fell down a hole - for real!!! Maybe I'll tell you the story of that one day, one day. Anyhoo, once again, the day was saved, thanks to Prujo-Jojo!
They went to P3.
* * *
Piper had got a nu-metal band to play P3, who hit Phoebe continually over the noggin with their guitars. It was comical. Prue spent 17 minutes spouting off about the lesson they'd learned, and for once Phoebe not only paid attention, but understood and agreed with what Prue was saying! She added in to the conversation, before getting bored.
"So much knowledge, so much power that we lost. And I just don't care!" Phoebe flounced away and jumped into some random guy's arms.
*I advise you readers to use the PAGE DOWN button when reading this next part*
"And I got to help deliver our great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, 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great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandmother." It was past four AM by the time Piper had finished her sentence. And she didn't realise that she was totally wrong, unless all her grandmothers before her had had kids when they were about five years old.
Micah wandered over to them. "Hi," he said to Prue, "I don't mean to be nice or anything, but I've been watching you all night."
Prue looked absolutely delighted, but he hadn't finished his sentence.
"Wondering why you didn't die 400 years ago!" he yelled, flailing his arms about, smacking Leo, who appeared out of nowhere, several times. Prue smiled at Micah, and they walked away, tail in tail (don't ask).
Cole came in wearing a big fluffy angel outfit. Phoebe wished it was pink. She skipped over to him and told him so.
"I'm no angel," Cole said straying completely from Phoebe's point, but silently pleading for her to just go away!
"That's okay," she said, "I'm not either." This could have been quite a cool-ish thing to say had she not ruined it by saying "see, cos if you look at my costoom (look I even added in the accent!) you'll see I'm a witch! Hey, Cole, did you know I'm a witch in real life too?" she continued chirruping on, but Cole just slapped his forehead and rolled his eyes. This was gonna be a long night.
THE END.
Oh, by the way - if some of this story jumped about a lot and didn't make much sense, then it's not me, it's you. And I know it's crappy. Ah well.
I'm just cheesin I was right about Piper!
Still can't believe what Paige said... grrrr.
Prue lives!
kt