A/N: Welp, let the angst portion of our journey begin, heh. On another note, the lyrics are courtesy of Incubus, who kick a hell of a lot of ass. :)
*******
//If Zack could deal with it, then so can I,// she told herself as the needle passed her flesh. Some old pre-Pulse rock song was blaring...and though it wasn't really her type of music, she had to admit that it was pretty.
~I lean against the wind
Pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment I am happy
Happy
I wish you were here...~
//I wish you were here, big brother.//
She flinched noticeably, and the "artist" asked if she wanted him to stop. It would have been so easy to tell him that she did. The thing would, afterall, return in a couple of weeks. But this time around, she was in far greater danger of exposure. She needed to wipe her identity as cleanly as possible if she expected to avoid recapture.
"No," she finally growled firmly. He shrugged and continued his work, a single tear slipping off her cheek as tangible evidence of more than one sort of pain.
*******
He was chewing that random pen again.
He felt like he'd been plucked straight from the most cliché of suspense novels. Each passing second was an eternity, each tick of the clock sharp and painful. He couldn't believe he'd actually survived the 24 hours since Lydecker had left.
He took up pacing for a good 10 minutes or so, then finally decided he couldn't take being confined indoors at the moment, even in an apartment as large as his own. He grabbed his jacket and wandered out into the street, recoiling into himself and letting his unconscious lead the way.
*******
It used to be that looking down at the city would make her feel better.
The back of her neck burned ferociously from her barcode's removal, a sensation definitely preferable to the unpleasant and deepening ache in her stomach. The scene below didn't help; it served no purpose other than to remind of everything that, by morning, would no longer be a part of her life. Original Cindy, the first real friend she'd ever had; Herbal Thought and his confusing pearls of wisdom; Sketchy and his highly amusing idiocy; Normal and his constant bip bip bipping...why had she let herself get so attached to them? Why couldn't she have done as Zack, why couldn't she have seen it? She wouldn't be in this position right now. None of them would be.
Her thoughts drifted where they shouldn't, to Logan. It's not like she could help it. She should and she had to learn how, but right now she really seemed to feel like sulking so she let him seep into and fill her thoughts. How must he be doing right now? Awful, she imagined...oh god, what about his medical file? His suicidal tendencies? What if she was killing him by leaving...what if he was already dead? How could he...how...how could any of this be happening? God dammit, it was so unfair. Why couldn't everything had just worked themselves out? They always did because rotten horrible things like this weren't supposed to happen to her anymore, and the only time it had ended bitterly before all this was when Ben had died. That was the first time in a while and it should have been the last. Everything should have gone according to plan. Tinga should have been successfully rescued. Better yet, Zack shouldn't have had the nerve to show up at the most inopportune moment possible. He'd still be alive and she wouldn't be up here depressed as all hell and saying her silent good-byes to everything and everyone she loved.
She was crying now, harder than she had in her entire life. Not just because she was leaving but because it seemed that no matter what, she was destined to lose. She grabbed at Zack's heart (she refused ever to think of it as her own) and wished she could tear it out. She felt like dying. No matter what had happened in her life, she'd never felt like dying until this very moment. God, it was weak to think that way, so weak and she hated herself for it. The tears fell heavier and she buried her face in her arms, willing herself to drown though she knew it was impossible.
The tears disappeared when she heard what sounded like another coming up to join her, though. She sniffled her sorrows away for the moment, turning and instictively preparing for attack. She straightened slowly when the figure emerged, her mind surging and her body going numb and cold from the conflicted emotions that consumed her. Savior or otherwise, she couldn't yet tell, but she unconsciously stepped back when he spoke, his voice incredulous.
"Max?"
*******
//If Zack could deal with it, then so can I,// she told herself as the needle passed her flesh. Some old pre-Pulse rock song was blaring...and though it wasn't really her type of music, she had to admit that it was pretty.
~I lean against the wind
Pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment I am happy
Happy
I wish you were here...~
//I wish you were here, big brother.//
She flinched noticeably, and the "artist" asked if she wanted him to stop. It would have been so easy to tell him that she did. The thing would, afterall, return in a couple of weeks. But this time around, she was in far greater danger of exposure. She needed to wipe her identity as cleanly as possible if she expected to avoid recapture.
"No," she finally growled firmly. He shrugged and continued his work, a single tear slipping off her cheek as tangible evidence of more than one sort of pain.
*******
He was chewing that random pen again.
He felt like he'd been plucked straight from the most cliché of suspense novels. Each passing second was an eternity, each tick of the clock sharp and painful. He couldn't believe he'd actually survived the 24 hours since Lydecker had left.
He took up pacing for a good 10 minutes or so, then finally decided he couldn't take being confined indoors at the moment, even in an apartment as large as his own. He grabbed his jacket and wandered out into the street, recoiling into himself and letting his unconscious lead the way.
*******
It used to be that looking down at the city would make her feel better.
The back of her neck burned ferociously from her barcode's removal, a sensation definitely preferable to the unpleasant and deepening ache in her stomach. The scene below didn't help; it served no purpose other than to remind of everything that, by morning, would no longer be a part of her life. Original Cindy, the first real friend she'd ever had; Herbal Thought and his confusing pearls of wisdom; Sketchy and his highly amusing idiocy; Normal and his constant bip bip bipping...why had she let herself get so attached to them? Why couldn't she have done as Zack, why couldn't she have seen it? She wouldn't be in this position right now. None of them would be.
Her thoughts drifted where they shouldn't, to Logan. It's not like she could help it. She should and she had to learn how, but right now she really seemed to feel like sulking so she let him seep into and fill her thoughts. How must he be doing right now? Awful, she imagined...oh god, what about his medical file? His suicidal tendencies? What if she was killing him by leaving...what if he was already dead? How could he...how...how could any of this be happening? God dammit, it was so unfair. Why couldn't everything had just worked themselves out? They always did because rotten horrible things like this weren't supposed to happen to her anymore, and the only time it had ended bitterly before all this was when Ben had died. That was the first time in a while and it should have been the last. Everything should have gone according to plan. Tinga should have been successfully rescued. Better yet, Zack shouldn't have had the nerve to show up at the most inopportune moment possible. He'd still be alive and she wouldn't be up here depressed as all hell and saying her silent good-byes to everything and everyone she loved.
She was crying now, harder than she had in her entire life. Not just because she was leaving but because it seemed that no matter what, she was destined to lose. She grabbed at Zack's heart (she refused ever to think of it as her own) and wished she could tear it out. She felt like dying. No matter what had happened in her life, she'd never felt like dying until this very moment. God, it was weak to think that way, so weak and she hated herself for it. The tears fell heavier and she buried her face in her arms, willing herself to drown though she knew it was impossible.
The tears disappeared when she heard what sounded like another coming up to join her, though. She sniffled her sorrows away for the moment, turning and instictively preparing for attack. She straightened slowly when the figure emerged, her mind surging and her body going numb and cold from the conflicted emotions that consumed her. Savior or otherwise, she couldn't yet tell, but she unconsciously stepped back when he spoke, his voice incredulous.
"Max?"