VA Ficfest Prompt: Dimitri is restored but has no memory of his time as a Strigoi

Dimitri's POV

I kept looking at her, making sure she was still in front of me. Every part of me was exhausted and sore. I couldn't remember how many hits I had taken since Rose first warned me of the Strigoi. I had seen so much death and carnage in just one day, and Rose had seen more than a novice should, yet she was fierce and powerful throughout it all.

Guardians— friends —were falling around me, but I kept running, and I kept her in front of me. Roza had to make it out.

It happened so fast. I spotted them just as Rose passed. Thankfully she escaped—that was all I could think as I fought the Strigoi. Even as my strength waned. The moment I felt the fangs pierce my skin.

All I could think was that I was glad Roza escaped.

It was so bright. I couldn't make sense of anything.

I felt a burning sensation rip through me, and I had thought it was pain, but then it shifted and became warm. The piercing in my chest faded as that warmth spread and replaced it.

It was like nothing I had ever experienced before, and I didn't want to feel it again.

Slowly, my senses returned; the light faded and the shadows around me became clear. There were voices, yells of pain, the scuffling of feet.

Was I still in the cave?

Details registered— This wasn't the caves.

Concrete walls surrounded me, as did people—guardians. I recognised some of them, but the way they looked at me was not as one would at a colleague.

There was a wetness on my face. I brought a shaky hand to my cheek and realised I was crying.

Nothing made sense.

I looked in front of me and was shocked to see Lissa, her face drawn from exhaustion, but her eyes were bright with wonder.

Someone beyond her caught my eye; my attention was drawn to her, and I felt every nerve become alive when our eyes met.

Rose.

I didn't know what to make of her expression. There was fear, and sorrow, yet the longer we stared at each other, it grew into disbelief. I wanted to reach for her, willing my body to move, when our connection was broken.

The guardians swarmed me, stakes out and held in a threatening manner.

None of it made sense.

My hands were restrained, orders shouted. Lissa was fighting them, telling them I was harmless. I was so overwhelmed I didn't argue back. I didn't even ask what was happening, I just kept searching for Rose.

She wasn't in front of me anymore.

I couldn't see Roza anymore.

XxX

Rose's POV

I stalked through the building, beelining for the desk and slammed my palms on the counter. "Where is Dimitri? I need to see him!"

The man behind it sneered at me, raising an eyebrow, "You can't see him."

I curled my fingers into fists, nostrils flaring as I tried to keep myself calm. "Why not?"

"No visitors."

I opened my mouth to argue when someone called my name. I spun on my heel to find Mikhail walking from the direction of the cells. I blinked at him in confusion, meeting him halfway. "Mikhail! Have you seen him? They won't let me in!" I gestured behind me to the disgruntled guard.

Mikhail gave a sharp nod, "Come on. He's asked for you." He took my elbow and led me back the way he came.

I felt excitement and apprehension build in me, swirling and churning until I felt like a nervous wreck. I was going to see Dimitri.

My mind was all over the place. I kept wondering what I should say to him—wondering what he would say to me. My mind kept jumping between memories of being with him at St. Vladimir's to him feeding off me in Siberia. What would he say to me? Is he going to be disappointed?

My hands were shaking the further we walked through the building, and I shoved them into the pockets of my jeans to hide them from others.

Croft stood in the hall, arms crossed and a troubled expression. He eyed me when I got closer, no doubt still pissed I had punched him. "Hathaway," he greeted gruffly. He shared a look with Mikhail and focused back on me. "Belikov asked for you, and you can go in, but–"

"But what?" I asked impatiently. Dread washed through me.

His brows furrowed. "He doesn't remember."

"Remember what?"

"It appears he has no memory of being Strigoi."

My heart stopped.

The words didn't want to comprehend. It was like I understood, yet I couldn't wrap my mind around it. The words replayed, the weight of them growing heavier each time.

Dimitri didn't remember.

For a moment, I felt relief wash over me. Dimitri wouldn't remember all the terrible things that had happened. He would never live with that torment. For that moment, I was grateful.

And then it was shattered by the realisation of what I would have to do. Could I really tell him what happened? Despite the fact it wasn't him—none of it was his choice —he would carry that guilt with him. Hell, he blamed himself for the Strigoi that he killed, going to church to reflect on the lives he took. If he knew of the death by his own hands…

I licked my lips, taking a shaky breath. "Can I just see him?"

Croft crossed his arms, guardian mask in place and looking down at me like I was a thorn in his. "You can have five minutes."

An argument was on the tip of my tongue, but the longer I spent fighting with Croft, the longer Dimitri sat alone in that cell. I gritted my teeth and held my hand out, "Give me the keys."

He scoffed, "You aren't going in there."

"Yes, I am. I'm not talking to him through some bars. He's dhampir now, he won't hurt me."

"I'm not giving you the keys and letting you just release him."

"Fine," I threw my hands up, "lock me in there with him!"

I could tell he was pissed, nostrils flaring and eyes narrowed. Mikhail stepped between us and gave Croft a placating look, "Let me go with her. If anything happens, I'll call for backup." I stopped myself from pointing out that nothing was going to happen, but I realised it wouldn't help anything if I kept going.

Croft considered the suggestion, eyes flicking between us before he sighed. "Fine. But you don't leave them alone. I want eyes on Belikov the whole time."

Mikhail led me to the cell, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye, but he didn't say anything. I stared straight ahead and wondered what exactly I was going to say.

Dimitri didn't remember.

I stumbled when Mikhail stopped, turned, and nodded to a cell. All of the nerves returned as I slowly looked to the side—and there he was.

Dimitri was hunched, sitting on his cot with his back to the bars. I wished he would turn—that he would look at me again. That moment in the warehouse was so fleeting that I couldn't trust my own eyes; I couldn't trust that what I saw was real and not my mind playing tricks on me.

My heart begged that he was Dimitri again. The broken and scarred part of my soul that carried the grief of losing the man I loved prayed it was truly him again.

I needed to see that the red in his eyes was gone.

Dimitri didn't move, body as still as a statue. It gave me pause, and fear gripped my heart painfully until I looked closely and realised his shoulders were moving. Too slow to be steady breaths.

Mikhail slid the key into the lock, clicked it over, and opened the door. Dimitri straightened, eyes still faced away until I stepped in. When he turned, all of the air left my body.

Beautiful brown eyes stared back at mine.

He looked at me in shock and awe, standing from the mattress but not moving further. I hesitated, feet stuck to the ground and unable to force myself forward. It wasn't because I was scared of him, it was the opposite.

It was Dimitri, truly Dimitri. I didn't want to move in case this was a dream and I would lose him again. This was too good to be true. People didn't just come back from the dead—from being Strigoi.

And yet, there he stood.

He had lost the pallor to his skin, the harshness to his eyes, and the chilling expression. That monster that once wore his face was gone, and I was terrified that it was all a lie.

"Roza." The word whispered, slipping past barely parted lips. There was so much warmth and love in that one word.

It broke through to me.

I was across the cell in seconds, arms thrown around him with no care at all if they discovered what our relationship really was. I could care less now that I had Dimitri back.

His arms moved up to return the embrace after a moment of hesitation, but once he gave in, he pulled me in tightly. Dimitri's head dipped into the crook of my neck, arms lifting me until I was on my toes.

"Roza," he rasped in my ear, lips brushing against my shoulder. "It feels like… God, it feels like I haven't seen you in months."

My heart clenched painfully.

It had been months. Months without him while I was tormented by his memory still walking around. Tears fell from my eyes. He had no memory of it and I couldn't bear to tell him.

"I don't understand what happened," his voice wavered, sounding so lost. "When did we get to Court? I don't remember…Rose, what happened?" He drew back, eyes searching mine.

Hans said Dimitri didn't remember and I didn't know if they told him. There was so much confusion and fear in his eyes, glistening in the harsh lights from unshed tears.

"They said…" he paused, inhaling a shaky breath. He squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head. "I remember the cave. We were running through the caves—and you—you were in front of me. Why don't I remember what happened after?"

I cupped his face, gently stroking his hair back. My lips began to quiver. I didn't want to tell him. "We were almost out, but some Strigoi surprised us and they– " I sobbed, biting down on my lip and forcing it all back. "I tried to go back for you, I swear. I tried so hard to–"

"What are you saying?"

It felt like I was reliving it again. The memories were still so fresh despite it being months ago. "One managed to grab you… and they—they fed off you." A weight was on my tongue, refusing to say the last words. "They turned you."

Dimitri broke away from me, a look of absolute horror and disbelief in his eyes. "No."

"Comrade–"

"No! I can't—Don't tell me that…" His hands buried in his hair, tugging at the strands. "You can't come back from that, Rose. If I—There's no way that happened!"

Mikhail shot me a look, glancing down the hall where the other guardians stood at the ready. They were still unsure of Dimitri, and if they thought he was getting violent, they would restrain him.

I reached for him, grasping his arm, "I know. I know it sounds crazy and impossible, but I found a way to bring you back. I had to bring you back." He looked at me, expression broken—I confirmed his fears.

Like the strings had been cut, Dimitri crumbled to his knees. Tears he held at bay trickled down, splashing on the concrete floor. His hands pressed to the ground, trying to ground himself as he gasped for breath. "No. Roza, please," he pleaded me, eyes desperately searching mine. "When Crofts said—I didn't want to believe it. I don't–"

I wrapped my arms around him, pulling close. "I'm so sorry, Dimitri." I would have given anything to keep him from knowing; if he could just continue life without this knowledge. But it wasn't possible.

"How long was I–" The words caught in his throat.

"Four months."

He drew back, his mask concealing his emotions as he shrunk back into himself and away from me, repeating, "Four months. I killed and hurt people for four months."

"It wasn't you." I shot forward, refusing to let him cut me out now. He had to understand. "That was a monster. That wasn't you. He looked like you, but you would never be so cruel. You would never–" I bite my lip. I almost said too much.

What happened in Siberia…I could keep that to myself. Dimitri never needed to know.

Dimitri peered at me, a strange look crossed his face before he became pale. "You saw me like that, didn't you?"

I dropped my eyes, licking my lips before I replied, "I saw you at the warehouse."

"No. It's more than that." There was an emotion in his voice, one that made dread settle like a stone in my stomach. "Did I hurt you?"

I shook my head. It wasn't a lie. Dimitri never hurt me—it wasn't him.

"Don't lie to me," his voice broke. "Please, Roza. Don't lie to me."

I couldn't say it; my voice refused to work. I slowly lifted my face, tears running down my cheeks. Dimitri inhaled sharply and I knew he could see the truth in my expression. Anguish pulled at his features; pained eyes shifted away from me and to the ground.

"Dimitri, I–" I sobbed. He didn't lift his head, shifting away from me to press up against the wall and pulled his legs up, looking so defeated. I tried again, holding a hand out to him, "None of it matters."

His eyes snapped to mine. "Doesn't matter? Of course, it matters!"

I hated that I flinched. His raised voice sent me straight back to that room, yet his eyes were sorrowful instead of cold when I looked at him.

"I hurt you. How can you say that doesn't matter?"

"It wasn't you," I defended. I could see the words meant nothing to him. They didn't ease the pain in his eyes or the guilt that weighed down his shoulders. There was nothing I could do to make it better. I crawled toward him on my hands and knees, "What happened…it doesn't matter because I forgave you. It was never you in control, and I know that. I love you, Dimitri. Please, you have to believe that."

He faltered, mouth opened to respond only to close again. For a second, I was terrified he would tell me it wasn't enough and turn away from me. But then, he looked back at me and there was only affection and longing. "I love you, too, Roza."

I was in his embrace again, his arms wrapped around my waist and drawing me in. I was on my knees, cradling his head against my chest and fingers brushing through his hair.

I had Dimitri back.

The sun was setting by the time I stepped outside again. The five-minute limitation Croft had ordered turned out to only be a suggestion. Mikhail remained outside the cell the whole time, but no one else came down the hall to tell me to leave.

It took a while for Dimitri to pull himself back together; the truth he had been Strigoi had broken him. I never went into detail about how he hurt me, and I would do everything to avoid it if I could. Dimitri didn't deserve to live with that guilt.

I was lost in my thoughts as I walked back to my dorm, almost to the building when a hand caught my elbow and pulled me to a stop. I spun, fist ready to strike when I realised I was staring up at Adrian.

He grinned at me, hands held up in mock surrender, "Little dhampir; I like it rough, but not that rough."

I blinked at him. There was a haze in my head. I think it was from the shock of seeing Dimitri again. I relaxed again, the corners of my lips barely lifting in an attempt at a smile. "Hey. What's up?"

"You look exhausted," he commented, eyes flicking across my face. "I was calling your name for a while."

I flushed. "Sorry, I was just…"

"Yeah," Adrian hummed. "You've had a busy day. So, it's true?"

I leaned back against the building, shoulders digging into the rough texture of the brick. I breathed out, the weight of the day hitting me. "He's back. Lissa, she did it. He's dhampir again."

I had seen it with my own eyes—both his transformation and then him afterwards—yet it still felt unreal. Something that should be impossible had happened. And all because I refused to give up.

"Oh. Well, that's good, I guess." Adrian shifted back on his feet, hands digging through his pockets but coming back empty.

"He doesn't remember what happened. God, when I told him—"

"He doesn't remember what? Being Strigoi?"

"None of it," I replied. I looked up at him. "He remembers the caves and then everything after being restored." I still couldn't believe he had forgotten it all. Though, that wasn't him, not really. The monster that had control of his body wasn't Dimitri.

Adrian stepped closer, dipping his head, "So, how did he take it?"

I dragged a hand through my hair, "As well as could be expected, I guess. He's pretty distraught." That was an understatement. The word barely began to cover what Dimitri must have felt—what he must still be feeling.

"I can imagine," he agreed. His knuckles grazed my cheek. "I mean, I feel sorry for the guy, but he was gone for months. He can't just expect you to not move on."

I flinched back from his touch. "What?"

A look of uncertainty covered his face. "Rose, you told him about us, right? You told him that we're together," he asked gently, the hint of a smile on his face quickly falling.

I fumbled with what to say. I felt terrible about it, but when I was with Dimitri, I hadn't considered my relationship with Adrian. I cared for him—but that paled in comparison to what I felt for Dimitri. "I–"

His eyes hardened. "Rose, you moved on. You told me—"

I cut him off, "Adrian, that—that was when he was dead and the only option was killing him. Everything's different now." Before, I had believed it was all a pipe dream, but I still had to try. In that warehouse, I had been prepared to kill Dimitri to save Lissa. I had been prepared to throw it all away and try to continue my life.

It was different now.

That wasn't what Adrian wanted to hear. "What the hell does that mean? Nothing's different. I love you, and you love me!" he shouted, stepping closer so I was trapped against the wall. Hurt flashed in his eyes and my heart clenched. I never wanted to hurt him.

"I do care about you," I pleaded. "Everything you did, I appreciate it all."

His hands shot out and gripped my shoulders, head bowed down until there were only a few inches between us. "Everything I did?" he repeated incredulously. "Do you love me?"

"I…"

He shook me, his voice rising in anger as he demanded, "Do you love me or him!"

"I love him." The words left my mouth without thinking. It was the truth, and there was no denying it. But it was harsh. I watched his expression break.

I had broken his heart with just three words.

Adrian released me as if burned, stepping away and turning his back. I stood silently, trying to think of what I should do or say, but none of it felt right. I was shocked when he laughed suddenly, "Are you kidding me?

I reached for him, "Adrian–"

He spun on me, rage burning in his eyes. "Was this all a fucking joke to you! Just some fun to pass the time until you got your murderer of a boyfriend back?"

My anger spiked. "Dimitri is not a murderer!" I shouted back.

"Yes, he is!" Adrian advanced on me again, and my back hit the wall. "He killed people! He almost killed you! And you're just going to crawl back into bed with him and act like nothing's wrong. Act like you haven't hurt so many people because you're selfish! And all for a crush on your teacher!" When he looked at me, there was so much judgement in his expression. It felt like a knife.

"It's not like that!" I argued. He just laughed.

"Yes, it is." He leaned in closer, expression cold and full of disgust. "Does he even love you? How do you know he doesn't just want you back because you gave it up so easily–"

My hand smacked across his face, cutting off his words. Tears welled up in my eyes as I glared at him. "Fuck you, Adrian." I pushed past him.

"I hope he's worth it, Rose," he spat the words.

I quickened my pace, desperate to get away from him. I felt terrible for hurting Adrian. I didn't like leaving things between us as they were, but he had hit a sore spot. His words pulled at doubts buried deep in my mind.

Dimitri loves me. I repeated to myself. He said so himself before the caves and in the cell.

Yet there was an icy feeling that moved through my veins—what if that changed when he learned the truth?

Sleep eluded me.

I could lie to myself and say it was because I was trying to sleep in the middle of our day. I could even pretend it was because I was still running off the high of seeing Dimitri.

It was partly because of Dimitri—but it was mostly because of the memories of him.

What had started as dreams of our time together in the cabin morphed into me being held captive in that room. I kept dreaming of him laying over me, struggling against him as he fed from me. Feeling that high take over my body and my limbs going limp under him—giving into him.

I woke up screaming, fighting against my sheets as I struggled to free myself from the phantom grips of my dream.

My nails dug into the mattress, a need to try to ground myself as I calmed down. Slivers of the afternoon light shined in through the corners of my curtains, and the sound of birds in the tree below my window drifted in through the partly opened window. With a deep breath, I stood from the bed and walked to the window, peeling back the thick curtain so I was bathed in light.

The heat of the day had passed but it was still warm under the rays. Here the darkness of my nightmares couldn't reach me—the memory of his cold touch was washed away. I shook my head in disappointment.

How could I possibly still think of him as Strigoi when I knew he was alive again?

I had held him in that cell, felt the heat of his body, and heard the sound of his heart beating strongly in his chest. Dimitri was dhampir again. I needed to let go of the past.

Dimitri had no memory of that time. The horrors committed would never tarnish him, and I couldn't be the one to bring them up and risk ruining that.

What happened was in the past and couldn't hurt me anymore.

It took almost a week before they relaxed the constant guard over Dimitri. Wherever he went, guardians followed. And so did I.

Lissa and I both stayed close. Lissa to help show to other Moroi that Dimitri was saved, and not a risk to the Princess. While I followed to offer him support. My hand would slip into his when I could see him starting to buckle under all of the stares. Granted that would bring more stares sometimes. Most assumed I was offering comfort because I respected him as my mentor, but I heard the whispers that there was something else happening between us.

I never confirmed their theories, but I also didn't deny them. I was an adult now and no longer a student—they couldn't even say that we couldn't be together because we were both assigned to Lissa; Dimitri hadn't been reinstated and I wasn't given my official placement yet.

Dimitri jumped through all the hoops the Council pushed, even questioning him late into our night so that he was bathed in sunlight. The crowd had all been eager to hear them question him and then see the response, peering at Dimitri's eyes to see that there truly was no red glow in them.

I had to bite my tongue on more than one occasion from Reece's question, sharing knowing looks with Dimitri each time. It was almost like old times, but better. We weren't hiding it this time.

Dimitri was still weighed down by the knowledge of what had happened, even if he didn't remember it, but there was an ease between us that was rare to come by at the academy. It was like the few hours we shared in the cabin, where we stopped trying to deny our feelings. I felt closer to him than ever before.

When the question of Dimitri holding the stake came up, I almost scoffed. I was bored and I knew he felt the same.

I shouldn't have been surprised when he told Hans, "Cut me with it."

"What?" I asked, jumping to my feet and beside him in a second.

Hans only looked at Dimitri, brow arched. "Cutting you with this will hurt no matter what you are."

I nodded in agreement, "You don't need to go that far, comrade." Dimitri's eyes shifted to mine, and there was a calm but determined look in them.

"It would be unbearable if I were a Strigoi," he pointed out. I knew that look in his eyes—the same focus I saw the day we stormed the caves; he wasn't backing down. Knowing I won't argue with him, he turned back to Hans, "Don't go easy on me."

I cringed internally when the sharp tip of the stake swiped at the skin of his forearm, watching the blood bead and drip down. Everyone held their breath, slowly releasing when there was no reaction, not even a visible wince of pain from Dimitri. His eyes met mine again. I could see the pain, but also pride that he was withstanding it—proving to everyone that he was good.

Lissa reached forward to heal him after a minute but was stopped by Hans, pointing out they could test Dimitri's healing abilities at the same time. It was smart, but I hated waiting and having to watch him bleed while doing nothing about it.

At least it proved that Hans believed Dimitri. He was trying to help clear Dimitri's name.

I followed Dimitri back to his temporary housing in the very back of the guest housing. Seven guardians followed us, forming a circle around us. It was ridiculous to see, especially considering I knew Dimitri could take them down if he really wanted to. He was formidable as a dhampir, just as he was as Strigoi.

My feet fumbled, that thought caused me to lose balance and Dimitri's hand caught my elbow. He eyed me, searching my face, "What's wrong?"

I forced a smile, righting myself with an embarrassed laugh, "Just tired." It wasn't a lie. My mind continued to give me nightmares that made me spend more of the night awake than asleep. It wouldn't be until I saw Dimitri that I would finally feel at ease again.

"Why don't you go sleep? You don't need to walk me back," he offered. I could hear the hint of disappointment—the time in the morning and night that I spent in his room were the only times we really had alone.

"Are you trying to get rid of me?" I teased, elbowing his arm. "There are still doughnuts in your room that have my name on them."

The concern left his face and a warm look of affection replaced it, his hand sliding from my elbow to my hand, and his long fingers intertwined with mine. "Of course, you'd remember that," he laughed, "you are like a bloodhound when it comes to finding sugary food."

Whispers of bloodwhore echoed in my mind. I pushed it down, leaning into Dimitri and looking up into his brown eyes. What had happened in the past didn't matter.

I sat on his bed. There was nowhere else to sit. It was the smallest room that even my room in the guardian dorm would be considered luxurious in comparison. His was big enough for a bed, a small round table and chair, a set of drawers, and a cramped bathroom. I couldn't imagine what guests would actually stay here.

Dimitri took the chair by the table and lounged back so he was against the small window. The curtain was always left open to let the sunlight flood the room. I wondered if he did it to remind himself that he could stand in it.

The guardians remained in the hallway. Their shadows passed by under the door and footsteps made the floor creak, but we were still alone. We never did anything. Dimitri seemed hesitant to go any further than a make-out session and hands above clothes. I wasn't sure if it was because of the people outside or if there was something else holding him back.

I wouldn't say I was ready to jump right back in and have sex again, but I did want to lay with him. I wanted to just stare into his eyes and feel the steady beat of his heartbeat under my hand.

"How much longer are you going to be in here?" I asked, kicking off my shoes and crossing my legs under me. I shifted to be on the edge of the bed, able to reach his knee if I put my hand out.

Dimitri hummed, eyes closed as he basked in the sun. He opened them and looked up at me. "I think Hans said I could move out tomorrow, but I don't know where they'll put me."

A smile broke on my face, "That's great! Why didn't you tell me sooner," I complained, punching his thigh. Dimitri huffed, rolling his eyes.

"I didn't think about it. As I said, I don't even know where they would house me. I can't get a room as a guardian, and I don't know anyone well enough to stay at their house." His expression became drawn, a flicker of sorrow in his eyes. Not being a guardian was difficult for him.

I rested my hand on his knee, squeezing it reassuringly. "It won't be for much longer. They can't say that you aren't dhampir now, especially after today."

He nodded slowly, hand covering mine, "Tomorrow morning, I will go to the church," he told me, giving me a fond look, "You don't have to come with me. I know you don't care for it much."

"I'll come with you. It's not like I have anything else to do," I shrugged. Hans still had me working in the archives as punishment, though had cut back my shifts since Dimitri was released from the cells. He suspected there was more between Dimitri and me but had yet to voice it.

Seeing Dimitri in the morning was the best part of the day for me. I wasn't going to give that up even if I hated the idea of sitting through the church service. I would much rather just be able to curl up with Dimitri in bed and not have to think about going anywhere.

Wait.

I looked up at Dimitri and caught his eyes. I grasped his hand, "What if you stayed with me?"

"What?"

"Stay with me. I have a big bed and a kitchenette. There's enough space for the two of us." Excitement ran through me at the idea of Dimitri staying with me. I could wake up and fall asleep next to him. I could feel his heartbeat whenever I needed to calm my nightmares.

His brows furrowed, appearing hesitant, "I don't know, Rose. I'm not a guardian anymore."

"Yeah, that means you can't have a room assigned to you. But, nothing says you can't stay with me," I pointed out. Indecision pulled his features into a frown, so I quickly added, "I want to wake up next to you."

Dimitri's eyes softened, "Roza–"

"I know it sounds stupid, but sometimes I forget, and I'll wake up still thinking you're gone," I explained in a small voice, "before you were restored, I felt that grief every day." I dropped my eyes and fiddled with his fingers in mine. "If you're there when I wake up, I won't have to feel that again."

Maybe if he was beside me at night, I wouldn't have the nightmare either. Maybe with his arms around me, I'd feel safe again.

Dimitri moved from the chair to the bed, arms curled around me and pressed me up against his chest. I closed my eyes and breathed him in, clutching at his shirt. His lips pressed to the top of my head, "Okay, Roza, I'll ask. I want to wake up next to you as well, but I didn't know…" he sighed, "I wasn't sure if it would be okay for us to reveal exactly what our relationship was. If I ask to stay with you, they'll all know. They might ask questions."

"I don't care," I replied firmly. "I lost you. I'm not wasting this second chance by being afraid of what others will think."

His hand guided down my back, rubbing it soothingly. "I love you," Dimitri whispered against my skin.

A smile pulled at the corner of my lips, "I love you, too."

It was amazing that even after yesterday, people still treated Dimitri like he was a threat. They were all avoiding the pews around him. Granted, the guards surrounding him didn't help.

I sat beside him, hands barely touching as he watched the priest give their sermon. I didn't really pay attention to what they were saying, letting my eyes wander the room instead. They kept coming back to Dimitri, peering up at him from the corner of my eye. He was giving his full attention to the priest, the corner of his eyes pinched with remorse.

He carried the guilt of his actions even if he wasn't aware of them. I didn't know if it was better or worse. Was he imagining horrible crimes he might have committed but never did, or was he underestimating just how sinister he had been as a Strigoi?

I didn't want to ask—that was a can of worms I wanted to avoid.

By the time service was finished, I had almost dozed off, my head caught by Dimitri's shoulder when I slumped to the side. He squeezed my shoulder once we made it outside, having to wait for everyone else to leave the church first. People continued to stare, though their eyes held less fear now.

"I have to go talk to Hans, but maybe I'll see you later," Dimitri offered, a hint of hopefulness in his voice. He wanted to stay with me as well, but we both knew the odds were slim.

I nodded, trying to think how much time I had to clean, just in case. "Maybe we can get lunch after you're done?"

Dimitri smiled at me, "Of course, Roza."

I raced back to the guardian dorms, doing a quick once-over of my room. It turned out I had made more of a mess than I realised when getting ready that morning. Half an hour had passed when there was a knock at my door. Nerves ran through me and made my fingers tingle when I opened it to find Dimitri with a bag slung over his shoulder.

He gave me a small smile, glancing at the two guardians in the hallway before stepping into my room. I closed the door and leaned my back on the wood, watching as Dimitri moved further into the space and looked around.

"Are you sure you're okay with this?" he asked again. He was hesitant, standing very still and keeping his arms pressed close to his body as if he would knock something.

I had to take a moment, committing the sight to memory and letting the fact that Dimitri would be sharing a room with me sink in. A smile spread across my face. "I'm sure," I promised and moved towards him to take his bag. "I cleared out some drawers, and there's space in the closet," I explained as I dropped his bag on my bed and sat next to it. "Make yourself at home, comrade."

The tension slowly left his shoulders, and he took a step forward, hands reaching to cup my cheeks and angling my head to catch my eyes. We stared into each other's eyes for a moment, a tension building between us. My heart skipped a beat and a new excitement rose in me.

We were alone, and these walls were thicker than the guest room.

My breath caught when Dimitri bent forward, a slow descent to press his lips to mine. I could tell he was still holding back—not yet ready to go too much further, but it was a start. I wasn't going to push him for more than he was comfortable with.

I couldn't help but think of how different it was compared to Siberia. That was the last time we shared a room; though that was more a prison for me that he would visit. Rather than a commanding presence, Dimitri was caring and loving, offering gentle brushes of his lips against mine and his hands cradling my face so tenderly.

It was nothing like before.

For a moment, I remembered the fake reality Avery had projected in my mind. Dimitri and I had a home together, living happily and in love. At the time, I thought it was impossible, but now, that was a possible future for us.

Just maybe, I could have everything I'd ever wanted.

Dimitri broke the kiss, pulling back even as my lips moved to follow his. He grinned down at me, thumbs rubbing across my cheekbone, "I should unpack."

There was an awkwardness that kept overlapping with moments of affection. It was like a balancing act.

I wasn't used to sharing a space with others. Lissa and I had while on the run, but other than that, I spent my time at the academy in a room of my own. It was an adjustment. Especially, because it was a man that I was sharing with.

It was nearing late night, and we were both silently reading. I never read, but I didn't know what else to do. It shouldn't be this awkward.

"Do you want something to drink?" Dimitri offered suddenly, startling me from my thoughts.

"Sure."

Dimitri got up and moved about the small kitchenette with more ease than I thought he should, considering it was his first night here, but it was small and there weren't a lot of places to put things. He opened a cupboard and made a noise of triumph.

The kettle boiled and a couple of minutes later, Dimitri served me a warm cup of hot chocolate. I breathed it in, a happy feeling flowed through me from the good memories it brought. "Two satchels?"

"That's the secret," he replied in a serious tone, amusement dancing in his eyes.

We became silent again, but this time it was comfortable. I shuffled to be closer to him, my side pressed against his. This was the kind of ease I wanted.

Not too long after, it was time to sleep and a weird feeling stirred in me. I pushed it back and focused on getting ready for bed. Dimitri was more relaxed, settling in under the covers beside me. It wasn't a small bed, but with how tall and built he was, it was snug. I turned out the light and then got comfortable.

"You better not snore," I warned him, poking his side and making him chuckle.

"I will do my best. It's been a while since I've shared a bed with someone, so I guess we will find out."

It was on the tip of my tongue to mention he shared a bed with me, but we never slept. He didn't remember that, though. I swallowed down the wave of anxiety that overtook me.

His hand brushed mine, fingers loosely intertwined. "Good night, Roza."

"Night," I replied in a tight voice.

I was trying to not breathe too loudly. I didn't want Dimitri to notice.

It would pass in a moment, I kept repeating to myself. I just needed a minute and it would pass.

Minutes passed, one dragging into the next. But the feeling didn't leave.

My chest constricted, and my heart pounded so intensely that I was sure that he would be able to hear it.

I wanted him here. Dimitri sharing a bed with me was what I wanted—but I couldn't breathe.

I couldn't fall asleep.

My eyes refused to close, and my body was locked in place in fear. Perhaps it was just a flashback, a reaction to the memory of when he would lay beside me in Siberia. Of when he would lean over and feed off me.

Lying still on the mattress, my mind told me I was in danger but my body refused to move. A silent tear ran down my face. I couldn't sleep beside Dimitri because I was scared he was going to hurt me again.

I was terrified, and I couldn't break out of it.

I couldn't close my eyes.

I know I could have ended this one on a happier note... but that just isn't me :3
I am but the conductor of the angst train, and I can't get off.

The title is Buffy inspired because I was listening to the Buffy/Angel theme while writing it

Hope you enjoyed it!