His heart pounded and the adrenaline rushed to the point of nearly sending him into delirium. Right there. Right before his eyes. //This isn't possible,// his mind rebelled. //This isn't real.// But it was. For whatever the reason, for whatever natural laws it had broken, it was real. She was actually there, in front of him, staring at him in a strange, excited mix of fear and relief.
He took a step closer, she another step back. Why? Why would she feel the need to greaten the distance between them? After all that had happened...
"L...Logan," she stammered, trying to gather her composure. Encouraged, he moved to step forward again, but she gestured for him to stay put. "Don't, okay? Just don't. This is hard enough as it is."
He took the hint and moved backward a yard or two, visibly hurt, which didn't exactly bode well for her current emotional state. Briefly she wanted to run to him and forget her plans of leaving, forget her loyalty to Zack. She was dying for him to do something, anything that would give her an excuse to stay. But then, she also wanted him to turn and leave for the same reason. Staying was dangerous, for herself and, now that she thought about it, for him as well. One man had already died for loving her...why add another to the count?
"Look, I...I'm sorry," she said softly. "I...I don't know. It's just better right now if we...you know. Don't get too close and get all mushy or anything."
He nodded. He didn't understand, but arguing the point surely wouldn't help the matter any. It wasn't worth it.
"So..." he began, suddenly at a loss for words.
"So," she sighed. This was harder than she thought. Maybe she should have skipped coming to Seattle altogether."I...guess you're looking for an explanation." //Yes, an explanation. That'll freak him out...maybe he'll even see where I'm coming from.//
"It would be nice," he replied. He gulped at the look of anguish that had suddenly crossed her face and sensed he was about to be told something monumental.
"Phew," she huffed, pooling her remaining strength. "Okay...um...Zack made an incredible sacrifice," Max whispered. "See, um...the reason I died was my left ventricle collapsed, so they had to give me a heart transplant. Only the thing is, I'm an X-5. I need an X-5's heart." The truth was beginning to dawn on Logan and he didn't like it at all. "And that wouldn't have been possible...if Zack hadn't killed himself."
It suddenly became possible to feel the Earth's spin and he had no choice but to sit down. He probably would have fallen to his death if he'd been any closer to the Needle's edge.
"He gave his life for me," she continued as the tears began to fall once again. "Do you have any idea what that's like, Logan? To be responsible for the death of two of your brothers?"
He nearly had to slap himself. "Wait...two?!"
She turned slightly, just enough to flash him a cold, bitter smile. "Why do you think Ben stopped killing?"
//Oh god...oh god...oh god...// He was suffocating. The air was toxic and he was choking on it. She couldn't...she wouldn't have... 'She's not the girl next door.' But she wasn't a killer, she wasn't. 'They were designed to kill. Coldly, efficiently, happily.' He mentally screamed at Lydecker's recurring words. Lydecker was an ally now and Max wasn't a killer. SHE WASN'T A GODDAMNED KILLER. And even if she was, her brother? No. This was a dream. That was the only explanation. It had to be a dream.
"Are...you okay?" she ventured. He looked as though someone had knocked him in the stomach with a sledgehammer, and she deeply regretted mentioning Ben.
"Sure," he assured her, faking a smile. She took in a deep breath and waited for him to compose before continuing.
"Anyway...from all of this, all that's happened...I know now that Zack was right. About me being weak and reckless and all. If I stay here I'm a danger to myself, to the others..." She looked to him, a sad and haunted quality to her eyes. "...To you."
Hot fear laced with anger bubbled up from the bottom of his stomach and tingled painfully around his temples. "That's not true..."
"Yes, it is. All of it. Which is why I've got to leave."
"Well then what are you doing up here?"
"I just...I just wanted to say good-bye."
"Oh, right. You wanted to say good-bye," he mocked, once again letting his emotions get the best of him. "But not to the people who care about you and whom you supposedly care about, no. To the city. Because it's easier that way, isn't it? It's easier to sit up here and pretend we all hugged you and merrily wished you luck rather than actually confront us and face our pain and sadness at your departure." He had gotten rather passionate and was standing once again. Max turned completely and walked over to him, but for once, she was speechless.
"I...I don't believe this," was all she managed to mumble.
"What? You don't believe that I'm right? You don't believe that the only reason you're leaving is because you think it's the only way you can hold on to Zack?"
"That's bullshit, Logan, and you know it. I'm leaving because I have to and I want to."
"If that were true, you would have left already. You wouldn't be up here wallowing in self-pity like you were when I first arrived."
She grasped for a stinging insult, but tonight, she apparently was not at her articulate best. All she could manage was, "god...why do you always have to be such an asshole?"
"Oh, an asshole, is that what I am now? You sure didn't seem to feel that way during our little 'celebration,' or were you lying when you said you were no longer in 'heat'?" He immediately regretted it. That was probably one of the cruelest things he had ever said to her...to anyone, and the pained, sorrowful anger that subsequently filled her eyes told him he'd just blown it. He'd chased her away, and the odds of her coming back were slim to none.
"Fuck you," she whispered before pushing him out of her way and rushing off the Needle. She couldn't remember ever feeling such pain, even when she'd been told what Zack had done. She felt as though someone had snapped her in two, and it was so disparaging and numbing that she couldn't find the strength even to cry. The world was blurring, and the only obvious solution was to leave as quickly as she could, to get her bike somehow and ride out of there and never look back. No more good-byes; this was the end, quick and definite.
//Thanks a lot, Logan.//
He took a step closer, she another step back. Why? Why would she feel the need to greaten the distance between them? After all that had happened...
"L...Logan," she stammered, trying to gather her composure. Encouraged, he moved to step forward again, but she gestured for him to stay put. "Don't, okay? Just don't. This is hard enough as it is."
He took the hint and moved backward a yard or two, visibly hurt, which didn't exactly bode well for her current emotional state. Briefly she wanted to run to him and forget her plans of leaving, forget her loyalty to Zack. She was dying for him to do something, anything that would give her an excuse to stay. But then, she also wanted him to turn and leave for the same reason. Staying was dangerous, for herself and, now that she thought about it, for him as well. One man had already died for loving her...why add another to the count?
"Look, I...I'm sorry," she said softly. "I...I don't know. It's just better right now if we...you know. Don't get too close and get all mushy or anything."
He nodded. He didn't understand, but arguing the point surely wouldn't help the matter any. It wasn't worth it.
"So..." he began, suddenly at a loss for words.
"So," she sighed. This was harder than she thought. Maybe she should have skipped coming to Seattle altogether."I...guess you're looking for an explanation." //Yes, an explanation. That'll freak him out...maybe he'll even see where I'm coming from.//
"It would be nice," he replied. He gulped at the look of anguish that had suddenly crossed her face and sensed he was about to be told something monumental.
"Phew," she huffed, pooling her remaining strength. "Okay...um...Zack made an incredible sacrifice," Max whispered. "See, um...the reason I died was my left ventricle collapsed, so they had to give me a heart transplant. Only the thing is, I'm an X-5. I need an X-5's heart." The truth was beginning to dawn on Logan and he didn't like it at all. "And that wouldn't have been possible...if Zack hadn't killed himself."
It suddenly became possible to feel the Earth's spin and he had no choice but to sit down. He probably would have fallen to his death if he'd been any closer to the Needle's edge.
"He gave his life for me," she continued as the tears began to fall once again. "Do you have any idea what that's like, Logan? To be responsible for the death of two of your brothers?"
He nearly had to slap himself. "Wait...two?!"
She turned slightly, just enough to flash him a cold, bitter smile. "Why do you think Ben stopped killing?"
//Oh god...oh god...oh god...// He was suffocating. The air was toxic and he was choking on it. She couldn't...she wouldn't have... 'She's not the girl next door.' But she wasn't a killer, she wasn't. 'They were designed to kill. Coldly, efficiently, happily.' He mentally screamed at Lydecker's recurring words. Lydecker was an ally now and Max wasn't a killer. SHE WASN'T A GODDAMNED KILLER. And even if she was, her brother? No. This was a dream. That was the only explanation. It had to be a dream.
"Are...you okay?" she ventured. He looked as though someone had knocked him in the stomach with a sledgehammer, and she deeply regretted mentioning Ben.
"Sure," he assured her, faking a smile. She took in a deep breath and waited for him to compose before continuing.
"Anyway...from all of this, all that's happened...I know now that Zack was right. About me being weak and reckless and all. If I stay here I'm a danger to myself, to the others..." She looked to him, a sad and haunted quality to her eyes. "...To you."
Hot fear laced with anger bubbled up from the bottom of his stomach and tingled painfully around his temples. "That's not true..."
"Yes, it is. All of it. Which is why I've got to leave."
"Well then what are you doing up here?"
"I just...I just wanted to say good-bye."
"Oh, right. You wanted to say good-bye," he mocked, once again letting his emotions get the best of him. "But not to the people who care about you and whom you supposedly care about, no. To the city. Because it's easier that way, isn't it? It's easier to sit up here and pretend we all hugged you and merrily wished you luck rather than actually confront us and face our pain and sadness at your departure." He had gotten rather passionate and was standing once again. Max turned completely and walked over to him, but for once, she was speechless.
"I...I don't believe this," was all she managed to mumble.
"What? You don't believe that I'm right? You don't believe that the only reason you're leaving is because you think it's the only way you can hold on to Zack?"
"That's bullshit, Logan, and you know it. I'm leaving because I have to and I want to."
"If that were true, you would have left already. You wouldn't be up here wallowing in self-pity like you were when I first arrived."
She grasped for a stinging insult, but tonight, she apparently was not at her articulate best. All she could manage was, "god...why do you always have to be such an asshole?"
"Oh, an asshole, is that what I am now? You sure didn't seem to feel that way during our little 'celebration,' or were you lying when you said you were no longer in 'heat'?" He immediately regretted it. That was probably one of the cruelest things he had ever said to her...to anyone, and the pained, sorrowful anger that subsequently filled her eyes told him he'd just blown it. He'd chased her away, and the odds of her coming back were slim to none.
"Fuck you," she whispered before pushing him out of her way and rushing off the Needle. She couldn't remember ever feeling such pain, even when she'd been told what Zack had done. She felt as though someone had snapped her in two, and it was so disparaging and numbing that she couldn't find the strength even to cry. The world was blurring, and the only obvious solution was to leave as quickly as she could, to get her bike somehow and ride out of there and never look back. No more good-byes; this was the end, quick and definite.
//Thanks a lot, Logan.//