Note from the author: I found this story on my computer not too long ago. I wrote it in the summer between seasons 7 and 8 then forgot all about it. I found it not too long ago and thought I'd share it!
There are a lot of women who want more than anything to have a child. They want to know that a small baby is growing inside of them and that soon, they'll be able to hold this baby, feed it, love it, and raise it. Be a mother, have a family of their own, one like they had when they were growing up, or at least, the kind they wished they had.
I never was one for ideals.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
He's sleeping beside me. Very peacefully, I might add. The clock says 5:22 am and the alarm is going to go
off in 38 minutes. I close my eyes and sigh. Every day is worse. I can't ignore this for much longer, and it's getting more and more difficult to hide this from Luka. I just want to end it, and go on with my life the way it was a few weeks ago. In other words, no baby. But a small voice inside of me keeps holding me back, telling me that I should at least tell Luka that I'm pregnant before I have an abortion.
Careful not to wake him, I get out of bed and walk to the bathroom.
The warm water feels comforting against my skin as it pours down, and I wish I could just stay in the shower forever and forget about everything else. But soon, like every morning, the alarm clock will go off and yet another day will begin.
Something's wrong, I know it is. She doesn't think I notice, but I do. I just wish I knew what it is that's
bothering her. I heard Abby go into the bathroom and go into the shower to take refuge, something she does a lot when she's upset.
Finally I hear the alarm clock go off and get out of bed.
Hesitantly I knock on the bathroom door.
"Abby? You alright?"
There's an eerie silence that sends a chill up my spine. Finally, I hear her say.
"Yah. I'm fine."
After the shower is turned off, she comes out with a towel wrapped around her. Just a glimpse in this
woman's eyes shows you how much she must have gone through. And lately, they're even darker, sadder, and more distant. More than anything I wish I could figure out how to make this woman truly feel alive again, and make that haunting look on her face disappear.
He looks at me with a kind of concern no man has ever shown for me before. It only makes me feel worse
about keeping a secret from him. We just stand there for a moment, looking at each other. Wondering exactly what the other one is thinking. Finally, he broke the silence.
"Abby…." He strokes my cheek gently, "What's wrong? Please tell me."
Oh God. Please don't make me tell you. You wouldn't understand. Just consider it a blessing; I mean, if I
told you, it would break your heart to know that I don't want to have this child, our child.
"I'm fine Luka," I try to give him a reassuring smile before walking towards the dresser and start getting
dressed. All I want to do is tell Luka to let it go, that he doesn't need to know.
"Please Abby?" He says, walking up behind me and putting his hands around my waist. His hands are
resting on my stomach, and it almost makes me cry.
"Luka……" Oh God, what am I doing? No matter how much I want to, I can't stop myself. I just blurt it out.
"Luka…. I-I'm pregnant."
For a moment my heart just seems to stop beating and I almost forget to breathe. Just for a moment, the entire world freezes. Pregnant?
Why isn't he saying anything? Oh God, is he mad? I slowly turn around and look at him. He's obviously in
complete shock, and has a complete loss of words."Luka? Talk to me…." I say cautiously.
He finally snaps out of his daze, looks back at me and gives me a small smile. "Pregnant?" He tries not to
sound too excited. We both know where this is all headed… nowhere. We both know that I can't be a
mother. Does he even want to be a father again? Probably not. Doesn't really matter anyway. I nod, biting my lip.
"How far…."
"About 10 weeks."
Again, we both become silent for a moment.
I know Abby had been pregnant when she was married; and I know why she got an abortion. Every time I think of it, my heart breaks. For Abby, for the baby, even for Richard. He never knew that she was pregnant, he never had a chance to even mourn his own child. No matter how much I hate him for all the hurt he's put
Abby through, I still wish he had known.
The smile I had fades from my face. "What are you going to do?" I know the answer.
Abby turns away and sits on the bed, look down at the floor with sad eyes, "Luka… I can't have this child."
I knew he wouldn't understand. Looking up at him, he has this look in his eyes; he actually wants to be a
father again, and even more, he thinks I could actually be a mother, probably that I just need more faith in myself. I have faith. I have faith in the fact that I might become bipolar like my mother, and end up doing the same thing to our child as she did to Eric and I. Or maybe I'll just end up making our child sick. Both scenarios make me ache inside. Every part of me starts to feel numb from the pain, and I just look down at my trembling hands that sit on my lap.
"Abby…" Luka kneels in front of me and puts his hands
over mine.
I pull my hands away and bury my face in them, "No, Luka. Please don't-don't tell me what to do," I say in
a muffled voice.
"I'm not going to tell you what to do. It's your body,and it's your choice…. But…." Luka's voice trails off
for a moment. It's a good thing my hands are covering my face, or he'd see the tears trickling down slowly.
He continues; "…but, can you please forget about what might happen for just one moment, and realize how
wonderful it will be?" His voice sounds so genuine, so hopeful, so optimistic. Now I can't hide it. The tears
start pouring down, and I start feeling a loss of control over myself.
I'm not sure if its been a half hour, an hour, or even if its only been five minutes; but it feels like an
eternity. It always feels like an eternity when your heart aches in pain, and your entire body feels
paralized. Luka held me close as I cried uncontrollably. Tears just kept coming down and no
matter what, I couldn't stop them. I'm pretty sure I tried to get words out, they probably didn't make much
sense though. I think Luka tried to calm me down, although that was a difficult thing to do.
Finally, the tears have slowed down, and my body no longer feels completely paralyzed. I can breathe
again; somewhat.
I can still see tears in her eyes, but at least she's calmed down. All I can do is hold her closer and
stroke her arm gently. "It's ok…. It's alright," I whisper to her. It's almost seven, and Abby is
obviously in no condition to go to work, so I pick her up and lay her down on the bed. "I'll be right back,"
I tell her, then pick up the phone and walk into the next room to call County.
"Neither of us are going to work today," I tell her as I walk back in the room. Abby just looks at me
blankly. Her body is so frail and weak, I wonder if she may be ill, and if I should take her to the ER.
Abby opens her mouth, and manages to say, "What are we going to do then?"
"Well, first, you're going to rest, and then we'll see," I go to the bed and pull the blanket over her.
"I don't want to rest Luka."
"Just try to. You really need it."
No longer do I have the energy to continue fighting with Luka. I can't keep my eyes open any more, and I
start to drift into a very shallow sleep.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear.
And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the
fear take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal.
But lately I am beginning to find that
I should be the one behind the wheel.
There are a lot of women who want more than anything to have a child. They want to know that a small baby is growing inside of them and that soon, they'll be able to hold this baby, feed it, love it, and raise it. Be a mother, have a family of their own, one like they had when they were growing up, or at least, the kind they wished they had.
I never was one for ideals.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
He's sleeping beside me. Very peacefully, I might add. The clock says 5:22 am and the alarm is going to go
off in 38 minutes. I close my eyes and sigh. Every day is worse. I can't ignore this for much longer, and it's getting more and more difficult to hide this from Luka. I just want to end it, and go on with my life the way it was a few weeks ago. In other words, no baby. But a small voice inside of me keeps holding me back, telling me that I should at least tell Luka that I'm pregnant before I have an abortion.
Careful not to wake him, I get out of bed and walk to the bathroom.
The warm water feels comforting against my skin as it pours down, and I wish I could just stay in the shower forever and forget about everything else. But soon, like every morning, the alarm clock will go off and yet another day will begin.
Something's wrong, I know it is. She doesn't think I notice, but I do. I just wish I knew what it is that's
bothering her. I heard Abby go into the bathroom and go into the shower to take refuge, something she does a lot when she's upset.
Finally I hear the alarm clock go off and get out of bed.
Hesitantly I knock on the bathroom door.
"Abby? You alright?"
There's an eerie silence that sends a chill up my spine. Finally, I hear her say.
"Yah. I'm fine."
After the shower is turned off, she comes out with a towel wrapped around her. Just a glimpse in this
woman's eyes shows you how much she must have gone through. And lately, they're even darker, sadder, and more distant. More than anything I wish I could figure out how to make this woman truly feel alive again, and make that haunting look on her face disappear.
He looks at me with a kind of concern no man has ever shown for me before. It only makes me feel worse
about keeping a secret from him. We just stand there for a moment, looking at each other. Wondering exactly what the other one is thinking. Finally, he broke the silence.
"Abby…." He strokes my cheek gently, "What's wrong? Please tell me."
Oh God. Please don't make me tell you. You wouldn't understand. Just consider it a blessing; I mean, if I
told you, it would break your heart to know that I don't want to have this child, our child.
"I'm fine Luka," I try to give him a reassuring smile before walking towards the dresser and start getting
dressed. All I want to do is tell Luka to let it go, that he doesn't need to know.
"Please Abby?" He says, walking up behind me and putting his hands around my waist. His hands are
resting on my stomach, and it almost makes me cry.
"Luka……" Oh God, what am I doing? No matter how much I want to, I can't stop myself. I just blurt it out.
"Luka…. I-I'm pregnant."
For a moment my heart just seems to stop beating and I almost forget to breathe. Just for a moment, the entire world freezes. Pregnant?
Why isn't he saying anything? Oh God, is he mad? I slowly turn around and look at him. He's obviously in
complete shock, and has a complete loss of words."Luka? Talk to me…." I say cautiously.
He finally snaps out of his daze, looks back at me and gives me a small smile. "Pregnant?" He tries not to
sound too excited. We both know where this is all headed… nowhere. We both know that I can't be a
mother. Does he even want to be a father again? Probably not. Doesn't really matter anyway. I nod, biting my lip.
"How far…."
"About 10 weeks."
Again, we both become silent for a moment.
I know Abby had been pregnant when she was married; and I know why she got an abortion. Every time I think of it, my heart breaks. For Abby, for the baby, even for Richard. He never knew that she was pregnant, he never had a chance to even mourn his own child. No matter how much I hate him for all the hurt he's put
Abby through, I still wish he had known.
The smile I had fades from my face. "What are you going to do?" I know the answer.
Abby turns away and sits on the bed, look down at the floor with sad eyes, "Luka… I can't have this child."
I knew he wouldn't understand. Looking up at him, he has this look in his eyes; he actually wants to be a
father again, and even more, he thinks I could actually be a mother, probably that I just need more faith in myself. I have faith. I have faith in the fact that I might become bipolar like my mother, and end up doing the same thing to our child as she did to Eric and I. Or maybe I'll just end up making our child sick. Both scenarios make me ache inside. Every part of me starts to feel numb from the pain, and I just look down at my trembling hands that sit on my lap.
"Abby…" Luka kneels in front of me and puts his hands
over mine.
I pull my hands away and bury my face in them, "No, Luka. Please don't-don't tell me what to do," I say in
a muffled voice.
"I'm not going to tell you what to do. It's your body,and it's your choice…. But…." Luka's voice trails off
for a moment. It's a good thing my hands are covering my face, or he'd see the tears trickling down slowly.
He continues; "…but, can you please forget about what might happen for just one moment, and realize how
wonderful it will be?" His voice sounds so genuine, so hopeful, so optimistic. Now I can't hide it. The tears
start pouring down, and I start feeling a loss of control over myself.
I'm not sure if its been a half hour, an hour, or even if its only been five minutes; but it feels like an
eternity. It always feels like an eternity when your heart aches in pain, and your entire body feels
paralized. Luka held me close as I cried uncontrollably. Tears just kept coming down and no
matter what, I couldn't stop them. I'm pretty sure I tried to get words out, they probably didn't make much
sense though. I think Luka tried to calm me down, although that was a difficult thing to do.
Finally, the tears have slowed down, and my body no longer feels completely paralyzed. I can breathe
again; somewhat.
I can still see tears in her eyes, but at least she's calmed down. All I can do is hold her closer and
stroke her arm gently. "It's ok…. It's alright," I whisper to her. It's almost seven, and Abby is
obviously in no condition to go to work, so I pick her up and lay her down on the bed. "I'll be right back,"
I tell her, then pick up the phone and walk into the next room to call County.
"Neither of us are going to work today," I tell her as I walk back in the room. Abby just looks at me
blankly. Her body is so frail and weak, I wonder if she may be ill, and if I should take her to the ER.
Abby opens her mouth, and manages to say, "What are we going to do then?"
"Well, first, you're going to rest, and then we'll see," I go to the bed and pull the blanket over her.
"I don't want to rest Luka."
"Just try to. You really need it."
No longer do I have the energy to continue fighting with Luka. I can't keep my eyes open any more, and I
start to drift into a very shallow sleep.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear.
And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the
fear take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal.
But lately I am beginning to find that
I should be the one behind the wheel.