Disclaimer: I do not own the FF:TSW characters. Sadly, Square wouldn't accept my offer of two dollars, a handful of pocket lint, and three dog hairs.

Author's Note: Another grueling chapter. It was longer, actually, but I decided to make the final portion a part of Chapter 12. I'm going to pick up the pace with this story though; I have two chapters left, and I'm eager to get it finished. Watch out, this is a VERY angsty chapter.

Edit Song deleted from chapter.

SALVATION

Chapter Eleven

"You were warned; now both your lives will be shattered."

Hein somehow forced himself to leave his bed the next morning. Listlessly, he showered and dressed, his mind focused on the previous day's horrifying discovery.

Millions of innocent people are dead because of me... New York hadn't fallen by accident; he'd turned off the barrier! Hein clenched his hands into fists. He was on his couch now, body drawn into a fetal position. Maybe I should save Emerson the trouble and turn myself over to the Council. Execution was what he deserved, after all. If I don't now, will I have the courage to face them later? Emerson won't keep it secret forever. And I can't live with this forever! And it's only going to get worse...

Already, he could hear the screams of the dying in his head. It was as if unlocking one memory had restored several more. The fall of New York was suddenly becoming agonizingly clear in his memory.

But what can I do? What... what will Aki say? He knew she didn't know just why the New York barrier had failed. How would Aki react if she knew he had been the one responsible for the loss of several of her friends?

The thought of hurting Aki made him moan. He'd come so far with her. Now his past life was destroying everything he'd worked so hard to build. His life was falling apart. Perhaps he should just confess now and save Aki the heartbreak.

There was a knock at the door, and Hein jumped. He slowly uncurled himself, and went over to the door, his hands fumbling with the latch.

Dr. Sid stood there, a concerned expression on his face. "Is something wrong? You were supposed to meet me at Aki's place half an hour ago."

Hein had forgotten. They were going to fix up her apartment for her return, something he had been looking forward to. But now...

"I'm sorry," Hein said tonelessly. It was all he could do to keep the quiver from his voice. "I... fell asleep."

Dr. Sid's eyes narrowed, but he didn't respond. Hein was thankful. He didn't feel like talking about anything right now. Or doing anything. Or being around other people. He wanted to be alone, and...

...He was holding a gun to his head, his fingers tight on the trigger. Do it! End the pain now! You don't deserve to live!

Hein blinked, forcing away the memory. "Give me a few minutes. I'll be there." He shut the door on Dr. Sid, then wandered back towards his bedroom.

Obviously, he'd tried to commit suicide once. Why, he thought desperately, couldn't I have gone through with it?

XXX

Most of the staff from the lab was there, all cleaning and helping to prepare Aki's small apartment for the new arrival. Hein looked around, his thoughts distant, as he went over to Dr. Sid. The old scientist was the only one there who actually tolerated him, and now Hein was starting to see why.

"She doesn't have much," Hein said vaguely.

"Aki's been busy, and she expected to have at least another month. I warned her not to wait until the last minute." Dr. Sid looked faintly exasperated.

Hein gave him a pained smile. "So, what do you want me to do?"

"You can help David set up the crib." Dr. Sid gestured towards a rather perplexed looking young man surrounded by stacks of plastic parts.

"Right." Hein went over to David, crouching down next to him. "Need some help?"

"I don't know what I'm doing," David said in frustration. "All the parts look alike!"

"Where are the directions?"

The young man look baffled. "Directions?'

Oh, this is going to take a long time. Maybe it would take his mind off New York, though.

By the time the two had puzzled out the pieces and assembled the crib, most of the helpers had departed. Hein slowly got to his feet and surveyed their creation.

"Well, it looks solid," he said, warily touching it. When it didn't break apart, he grinned. "Who says we have to used directions, anyway?"

David left, along with the remaining lab staff. Soon, it was just Hein and Dr. Sid.

"Did you know Aki's coming home tomorrow?" Dr. Sid said suddenly.

"This early? That's great." Hein tried to sound enthusiastic, but failed.

"What's the matter?" Dr. Sid asked. "You've been more broody than normal all evening."

"That's… pretty broody," Hein grimaced. "I still don't know what to make for dinner for Aki. Now I only have until tomorrow-"

Dr. Sid crossed his arms. "General Emerson got to you, didn't he?"

The blood drained from Hein's face. "Is it that obvious?"

"You didn't come to discuss this with me yesterday, you didn't go to see Aki, and your mind has been miles away. Emerson told you something you didn't like."

"Yes," Hein admitted softly.

"Care to discuss it?"

"No."

"I'm not surprised," Dr. Sid admitted. "But try not to depress Aki. She has enough on her mind as is."

"Right," Hein sighed. He was pretty sure what he knew would do more than depress her… He leaned on the crib, his legs suddenly feeling weak. "I'll do my best-"

The crib suddenly collapsed under him, and Hein was barely able to catch himself in time to keep from falling.

"Looks like we've got our job cut out for us," Dr. Sid sighed. Hein felt grateful for the reprieve. Dr. Sid's questions had been making him extremely uncomfortable.

"Where did you put the directions?" Dr. Sid asked.

"We… didn't use them. We didn't think we needed them."

"No one ever does," Dr. Sid said, rolling his eyes. "You'll find that when you get my experience and wisdom, it's always better to follow the directions, no matter how simple the task may be."

Hein arched his brow at this bit of fatherly advice. "Why's that?"

"It's hazardous to your health if you don't. Let's just say, women prefer if you do things correctly. Aki in particular. Never, ever make that woman angry."

"I'll keep that in mind," Hein murmured.

XXX

Hein passed another night sleeping fitfully. Every time he shut his eyes, another memory replayed for him, usually an unpleasant one. New York's demise, and the incident aboard the Zeus, were his most vivid memories. Didn't he have any good ones? Had his last fifteen years been spent as an unfeeling murderer?

It was with great effort that Hein left his room to go to Aki's place. He'd offered to stay there the whole day and get a start on the dinner he had planned.

Truth was, he didn't want to see her. She figured so prominently in his disturbing memories that he feared they may have changed the way he felt about her. While he still felt like the man who Aki had nursed back to health, he was certain all his old emotions would resurface when his memory was recovered. He didn't want to hate Aki!

Dully, Hein went to work. Dr. Sid had suggested a soup of some sort for Aki, and Hein had vague memories of helping a woman who must have been his wife make something of the sort. So he had offered to make a homemade beef and vegetable soup, and some home-baked bread as well. When Dr. Sid had asked if he knew how to make it, Hein had said that he'd helped his mother in the kitchen many times.

So now he was alone in Aki's apartment, having nothing to do now that he had everything cooking. He wandered into her room, feeling a little embarrassed as he sat on the edge of her bed.

There was a picture on the nightstand, and Hein picked it up. It showed a young man in an officer's uniform, a grin on his strong face. Beside him, a younger Aki had her arm looped through his, a matching smile gracing her lips.

The man's face was only vague in his memory, but Hein knew it: Captain Gray Edwards, her beloved.

The man who should be here in Hein's place.

Hein set the picture down again. He pinched the bridge of his nose, fingers brushing the eye patch. He probed the scars that mottled the left side of is face, dimly remembering where they had come from. The Zeus Cannon… I was wounded, but managed to reach an escape pod.

How many people had he killed? Hein slumped forward. As he did, a box stuffed in the corner of Aki's room caught his attention. He could see a familiar dull gleam between the box's flaps. Curious, he went over to it and opened it.

Inside was a wad of black leather. He carefully pulled it out, and was surprised by its weight. Hein shook the folds, and stared sadly at the result. General Hein's coat… His coat… Half of it was missing or shredded, but it was immediately identifiable. His fingers stroked one tattered edge, and he could feel places where dried blood had stiffened the leather.

Why had she kept it? He'd have thought Aki would see it as a symbol of the man she'd hated, a man who deserved to be hated. She must have had it for quite some time. Why? How long had she had feelings for him?

Hein crumpled the coat and started stuffing it back in the box. It had been a lovely coat, but it was ruined. And he didn't want another painful reminder of who he was, who he'd be again.

He paused when he saw the intact collar. There was no insignia. You should have stayed in the hospital where I left you, General Emerson had said. The man had known what he'd done and left him to rot. Perhaps that was crueler than execution. Hein certainly wished Emerson had just ended it when he'd had the chance. Hein knew, with a sickening certainty, that more people were going to get hurt now because of him.

Why couldn't it end?

XXX

Home, Aki thought with delight. She straightened her weary body and strode to her door. She turned to smile at Private Williams, who Dr. Sid had pressed into service as chauffer. Williams had driven slowly from the hospital, and had kept giving her and Gray shy smiles. He seemed to be relieved that she was all right. Tired, sore, but well enough to return home with her small but healthy son.

"Thank you, Nicholas," Aki said when the private joined her. She kissed him lightly on the cheek, and he blushed.

"Y-you're welcome, Doctor," he stammered.

Aki suddenly wondered if the private had a crush on her. She found it flattering that two younger – one mentally, anyway – men would find her attractive. She smiled as she carefully took Gray's carrier from the tongue-tied soldier. "You've been very helpful these last few months. I'm sorry I wasn't the best company."

Private Williams hastened to reassure her that she'd been fine, that he had been too hard on her. Aki laughed and swatted him lightly on the arm. "It's all right. Now go on before Emerson notices you're gone. Who knows what he'd do if he found out you were helping me."

Williams grinned wanly, then turned away. She listened to his steps fade, then softly knocked on her door.

What if he's not here? Aki realized she didn't want to be alone in her apartment. Dr. Sid had assured her that Hein would be there, but she had her misgivings. Well, if he wasn't there, she could always give Dr. Sid a call…

Her door slid open, and Hein greeted her warmly. Delicately, he embraced Aki, and she nuzzled his shoulder, pausing to feel his heart beat against her cheek. Then he took her chin in his hands and kissed her.

There was something… odd about the touch, as though something weren't quite right. She pulled away, catching his eye, searching for what was wrong. His scarred face was pulled into a smile that didn't quite reach his shadowed eye.

"I missed you," he murmured. She couldn't detect a lie in his words. She hoped she'd been just imagining things.

"You saw me not too long ago," she teased.

"It's not the same. It's… embarrassing to kiss you in a hospital. So many people watching you…"

"You're embarrassed to be seen with me?" she challenged, setting Gray's child seat on the couch before settling down herself. She positioned herself carefully, so as not to aggravate her stitches.

"I just don't want anyone to see how inexperienced I am at my real age." He turned to Gray. "Is he asleep?"

Aki nodded. She looked over at the crib, which had been temporarily left in the living room. "I see someone put it together," she said.

Hein grinned, the first real expression she'd seen. "David and I set it up without directions. Then Dr. Sid and I rebuilt it, sort of using directions."

"Sort of?" Aki repeated, stealing a glance at the crib. It looked all right…

"For someone so insistent that we use them, he sure didn't consult them much. Men!" Hein snorted disgustedly, and Aki laughed.

"You go clothes shopping, you bash men, and," she sniffed appreciatively as the smells wafted towards her, "you cook. You're almost too good to be true. Is there something you're not telling me?"

Hein's body went rigid, and he stared at her with… horror? Then he shook his head and met her gaze with a weak smile. Something was wrong… "I used to be a woman," Hein told her solemnly.

Aki threw a pillow at him, or tried to. She hadn't quite realized how weak she was, and the pillow fell a foot short of its target. Hein shook his head sadly.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were trying to hit me with that. Are you hungry for something besides hospital food? Why don't I get us dinner?"

They chatted as they ate, Hein telling her all sorts of amusing stories that had happened in her absence. Aki let him talk, but she watched his face carefully for signs of what was bothering him.

Whatever it was, it was bad. Aki had a horrible feeling in the pit of her stomach that she knew what was wrong. He was starting to remember who he was.

XXX

Hein awoke from another dream-memory, his heart beating fast. God, was this what the rest of his life was going to be like? He shut his good eye, and brushed his hair out of his face. Then he pushed himself off the couch and stood in the darkened room.

Aki had asked him not to leave. It was her first night at home with her child, and she was nervous. She'd said she wanted someone around to make sure she didn't do something stupid with Gray. Had Anna been this nervous? Hein couldn't remember. His family life was still a blank to him. Only the tragedy of New York was clear in his mind. No good memories. Did he have good memories? Hein was starting to doubt it.

He looked over at Aki, who was sprawled across the second, larger couch near Gray's crib. Her room was too small for the crib, and she had nowhere else to put it in her apartment. The military quarters were just too small for a family, Hein mused.

Poor Aki. His heart went out to her. She'd tried so hard to save the world, and had lost so much. Her reward was a tiny apartment, a constant battle against the military, and a man who loved her… but didn't deserve her.

It would be better if he left her before they fell too much in love. His leaving her wouldn't, couldn't hurt her that much! After all, until a couple of months ago, they had been bitter enemies. So, if he left her now, she could still recover. She could still find someone new.

It wouldn't be that way for him. Already, his feelings were being affected. He wanted to leave her before he started to hate her. If he turned himself over to the Council, he'd end up where she would never have to see him again.

Maybe he'd go do that now…

Gray made a soft sound, and Hein turned. In his crib, the baby was waking up, and Aki seemed to be too deeply asleep to hear.

Hein stood over the tiny infant, wondering if he should awaken Aki. She was still so weak, and Gray didn't seem to be in real need of anything. Perhaps… he just wanted to be held. Sarah, he recalled with sudden clarity, had loved being cuddled.

Sarah… He remembered a face with the name: Green eyed, like her mother, with a sweet face. Her hair had been a long wavy black, like his own. She'd only been four when the San Francisco barrier had fallen…

Hein shuddered. The emotions that came with the memory of his daughter were painful and overwhelming. He could feel a tear trickle down his cheek.

I'll blast you all to Hell… Hein suddenly found himself starting to understand why General Hein had gone to such obsessive lengths. How could anyone bear this pain?

Gray made a louder noise, and Hein automatically reached in and scooped the childe up, cradling him close. He really is too small, Hein thought. Aki had been very lucky indeed. Gray may have been a month early, but he didn't need any machines to keep him alive. A close watch was going to be kept, with daily visits from doctors. They had wanted Aki out of the hospital as fast as possible because she was drawing in the press. Normally, they were kept away from her by the military, but she'd been fair game in the hospital, and the staff had gone crazy trying to keep reporters from disturbing the other patients.

That's what Dr. Sid had said. Hein agreed; he didn't think Aki needed to be bothered right now. And what would the press say if they knew about me?

Hein rocked the child, trying not to think that the boy was all that was left of a man he had killed. He crooned softly. "Promise me one thing," a voice from his memory teased. "Never, ever sing again. You're terrible, Dougie!" His wife, Anna, had said that to him when she'd caught him singing to Sarah once. "It's no wonder she can't sleep!" So he'd taken to humming instead.

"Oh!" A soft gasp broke into his thoughts. Aki was awake, her face only half visible in the dark. "Did he wake you? I'm so sorry, I'm not used to this!" She pushed herself to her feet and came to where Hein was seated.

"It's all right, I was awake anyway," Hein said. He passed Gray to the anxious woman. "Perhaps," he suggested, you'd like me to go?"

Aki grabbed his hand. "No. Please? I want you to stay."

Hein choked down a bitter laugh. Would she want him to stay if she knew his secret? He was doubtful. But he wanted so badly to be with this woman, even if she had once been his foe.

So he decided to stay. Just for the night.

XXX

When Aki awoke the next morning, still stiff and sore but improving, she found Hein was already up and was cooking breakfast. She crept up behind him and rested a hand on his shoulder. He stiffened, then brought his left hand up to cover hers. Aki's eyes were drawn to the scar of flesh on his ring finger.

Had he made dinner like this for his wife? She had a hard time thinking of General Hein as a caring husband, but if he'd been like the man she'd known for the last few months, then his wife had been very lucky.

"Should you be up?" Hein murmured.

"Are you kidding? This is the first time in months I've been able to walk around with such freedom. It's like a weight has been lifted from my chest," she grinned.

A small smile curved Hein's lips. Aki lifted her hand to brush away the tousled black and whit strands – no wonder he always slicked it back, if it's like this every morning! – to reveal his face. She pushed the white lock behind his ear.

"So," Aki purred, stepping closer. "What are your plans for today?"

Hein seemed almost nervous. Was it because of his memories? Or had the twenty-year-old Hein never really been intimate with a woman? His kisses had certainly been shy enough. She found his apparent naiveté charming.

"Breakfast," Hein said quickly. "And… Dr. Sid's coming over in about half an hour."

Oh. She'd forgotten about that. "Well then," she sighed, "let's eat."

They ate in silence, and when they were finished, Hein immediately went to work on the dishes while Aki tended to Gray. She kept sneaking looks at Hein's hunched shoulders and stiff posture. Was she right? Was Hein starting to remember the part of his life best left forgotten? What would happen to him – to them – when he did? Would she have an enraged general on her hands? Could she deal with the real General Hein? Her heart was no longer in it. She'd fallen for him, and she would never feel the same way about him again.

He couldn't just return to normal after all this, could he? Could the man that had so tenderly held her child last night become the man who had killed his father?

Why hadn't she listened to Dr. Sid? Why had she gotten involved in Hein?

Someone knocked on the door, and Hein moved to open it. Dr. Sid entered, a sheepish grin on his face. "They followed me here," he said. "I had nothing to do with it."

Aki rose to her feet as several members of the lab staff, led by Betty, a few soldiers, and even Councilwoman Hee entered Aki's small apartment.

"You didn't think you'd get out of a baby shower that easily, did you?" Betty asked mock-sternly.

With a smile, Aki went around and greeted her guests. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Hein slip out the front door, and her heart sank. She wanted to talk to him, to find out what was wrong. But she couldn't go after him, not with all her guests here.

After showing off Gray, she opened the various gifts. She and most of the other women "oohed" and "aahed" over the clothes she'd received – most of which were too big for the tiny Gray – while Captain Hoffman and Private Williams hung back, both looking slightly uncomfortable and embarrassed. Aki couldn't help but laugh at their faces.

After about an hour, the impromptu party began to break up, and Councilwoman Hee cornered Aki in the kitchen.

"I'm glad that your son is safe," the older woman said quietly. "I hear you owe his life to General Hein."

Aki shifted her weight uncomfortably. "Yes," she said softly. "He saved us both."

"That doesn't sound like him," Hee mused. "Nor did he in the Council chamber facing off against Emerson."

Aki licked her lips nervously. "With his memory gone, he isn't the same man," she said. "He's what he could have been if his family hadn't died." I think, Aki added silently. I hope… I can't believe he's inherently a bad person…

"I almost feel guilty about agreeing to the trial for his court martial tomorrow," the woman said.

Aki stiffened. "What?"

"At the meeting tomorrow. He's obviously well enough to handle it, and if he's claiming to be a general, then he can be tried as one."

"No," Aki whispered.

"You knew it would happen eventually," Hee said. Her piercing gaze took in Aki's horrified expression. "What's wrong? I thought you'd be happy to see Hein brought to justice."

Aki couldn't meet Hee's gaze. "I thought so, too," Aki said miserably, "but… I…"

"You care for him, don't you?" Hee asked, her eyes widening.

Aki closed her eyes and leaned against the counter, suddenly too weak to stand on her own. "I – " A high, thin wail interrupted her. "I need to tend to Gray," she said hurriedly. She turned, brushing past Dr. Sid – How much had he heard? – and went to Gray.

Most of the guests were gone, and Aki thought she was alone with her baby until Dr. Sid placed a hand on her shoulder. "You knew it couldn't last," he said.

"I know. And… maybe it's better this way." Dr. Sid's face was startled. "I think he's starting to remember things," she told her mentor, leaning her head on his shoulder. "He's been acting so strange…"

"That must be what was bothering him," Dr. Sid said. "General Emerson must have said something that triggered his memories." His face was grave. "You were warned; now both your lives will be shattered."

"I know," Aki choked out. Then, softly, "Both our lives?"

"As incredible as it seems, he fell for you. I doubt he'll soon forget that." Dr. Sid's expression was bemused. "That doesn't mean he'll start liking you when his all his memories return, but it will give him something to think about."

It'll hurt him… Destroy him… Shatter him, like Dr. Sid said. I feel so awful… Why couldn't I just resist him? All I had to do was say no! Bu we were both so lonely… so hurt…

"Sid, I want to be at the meeting tomorrow."

"Aki, would that be wise? Are you up to it? And what about Gray?"

"I don't want to leave him, but Dou – I mean, Hein needs me. It'll only be for a few hours."

Dr. Sid's expression wavered. "Please," Aki continued. "Something tells me I need to be there."

"All right," Dr. Sid sighed. "I'll see what I can do."

XXX

He shouldn't have run out on her. Not without an explanation. After all, hadn't he been angry with her for doing the same thing to him?

But this was for her own good, he argued to himself. She deserves better. And tomorrow, at the Council meeting, I'll make certain they take me far away from her. And at least she won't be there to see my shame.

He wished he had the guts to tell her to her face. But whenever the confession was close to being spoken, he'd look into her eyes, and he couldn't do it. He couldn't bear to see those beautiful eyes clouded with sadness and rage.

And confessing was only going to get harder as memories returned. A part of him didn't want to admit he'd been wrong and she was right. No, he'd just tell the Council without Aki around to leave him tongue-tied and confused.

Assuming he could work up the courage to tell the Council the truth. Telling them he had killed millions of people to get his way wasn't going to be easy. Maybe he shouldn't tell anyone.

Maybe he should just kill himself now and save everyone the pain.

To Be Continued…