Make Me Stay
Author: Megan
Disclaimer: All things 'Buffy' belong to Joss Whedon and friends.
Feedback: Yes, please: shy_grrl@hotmail.com
Spoilers: I don't know. Pretty much everything I guess. Especially "The Bargaining" -duet, and "After Life" from season 6.
Summary: After being so rudely yanked from heaven, Buffy finds solace in her sister.
Author's Notes: I love Joss for creating one of the sweetest sister relationships I've ever seen on tv. In season 5 that is. And I hate him for destroying the whole thing in season 6.
***
"She's not your sister."
"No. She's not. She's more than that. She's me. The monks made her out of me. I hold her... and I feel closer to her than... It's not just the memories they built. It's physical. Dawn is a part of me."
-- Giles & Buffy, from "The Gift"
***
Home. Is where the heart is.
My heart is with her. So my home is with her. Being with her is the closest thing to heaven I know. And I know, what heaven is. I've been there. And I'll go there again, someday. Hopefully. And maybe she'll join me.
But for now, I'll stay here with her. She pleaded me to stay, and how could I deny her something like that? Even if every breath I take is pain. I can take a limited time of hurt for her. It's only fifty, sixty years more. Tops. And if it makes her the tiniest bit happier, then it's worth it.
She's fallen asleep against my shoulder again. I brush my hand through her hair once, and lean back on the sofa. I'm desperately clinging onto her small hand with my own. It's the only way I can sleep now. I have to feel her touch, her skin against mine. Otherwise there'll be a hell to pay in my dreams. But as long as she's with me, I'm at peace.
I wonder how it is for her? I wonder if she feels this pain, this constant aching, when I'm not around. Like some crucial part of her is missing. And no matter how much she tries, she can't rest until she's found it. Made sure it's still safe, that I'm still safe.
I don't think she does though. Sometimes I think I feel this strongly just because the monks made it so. They made this girl so that she would evoke an endless stream of compassion in me. But other times, when I look at her, I see that it isn't so. I don't love her just because she was made so. I also love her because she reminds me of mom. She reminds me of my childhood. Of our childhood. Our made up childhood... it doesn't matter why I love her so much. It only matters that I do.
"Buffy?", Willow's voice interrupts my attempt to fall asleep. It also wakes up Dawn, she startles slightly, and then lifts her head, "Are you gona sleep here again?"
I turn to look at her, and fight to keep my gaze soft.
It's not Willow's fault. It's not Willow's fault. It's not Willow's fault...
She was only doing what she thought was right, she was only trying to save me. She couldn't have known. So why can't I stop blaming her?
"No", I answer and shake my head, "No, just dozed off."
Dawn takes her hand away, and the second the contact ends, living becomes ten times harder. Even just breathing becomes almost impossible. It's always that way, my body and my mind get used to her touch. And when it's taken away, it feels like the closest thing to being cast down from heaven.
"What time is it?", my sister asks groggily. Reaching for the remote, she turns off the television.
"Past eleven", Willow replies quietly.
Dawn groans, and stands up, "Okay, that's enough for me. Goodnight", she says, and heads for the stairs.
"Goodnight", Willow says.
I just smile. And watch her go. Taking my sleep with her. I wish I had the strength to ask for her help. But I can't. I can't say the words. 'Dawn, can I sleep with you?' That's all it would take, but I can't say those words. Instead I come up with all these stupid ploys, trying to get her to fall asleep next to me.
"You're spending a lot of time with her", Willow goes on, when Dawn has disappeared.
"Yeah?", I reply, "Guess so."
"Any particular reason?"
I look at my friend for the longest time. Oh, how I wish I didn't recent her so much. But I can't help it. I should be thankful for her, she did it for me, for Dawn, "I need her", I finally answer quietly. I need to be close to her, it hurts too much otherwise. But I don't tell this to Willow. I don't tell her anything. And she feels betrayed because of it. And I feel a little bit better for causing her hurt.
"Buffy...", she says tenderly, and sits down next to me.
I jump up, "I'm gona go to bed too", I harshly tell her, and almost run out of the room.
It's not Willow's fault, it's not Willow's fault, it's not Willow's fault...
I force myself to stop at the doorway, "Willow?", I say her name in a softer tone, and turn to look at her. She's staring back at me, still sitting on the sofa, and looking so sad. My mouth is open, and I'm ready to forgive her. I know you meant well, I know you brought me back cause you thought it was the right thing to do. This is what I mean to say, but I don't. I don't have the strength for it. They brought me back gutless, "Goodnight", I say instead.
"Goodnight", she answers with the tiniest smile.
I slowly slouch up the stairs, dreading the coming night. It's gona be a long one once again. I don't dare to sleep alone anymore. The dreams always come. Waking up in a coffin is not fun. It's scary stuff.
In the upstairs corridor my slouching slows down to inching. I hate my room. I don't wanna go there. It's so dark, and lonely there.
Just when I make it to my door, Dawn comes out of the bathroom. I turn to look when I hear her. She's staring at me with a weird look about her. Like she's trying to decide something, "Hi", I hear myself greeting her for some reason.
"Hi?", she answers with a weak smile. And walks to her own door.
Just ask her. She'll say yes, without missing a beat, but you have to ask her. She won't know unless you ask her. I'm gaping at her with my mouth open, trying to muster the energy for a simple question. I don't have it though. They brought me back gutless. I give up, and reach for the door handle, turning away from my sister, "Buffy?", she asks tentatively, and I immediately swing back to face her.
"Yeah?"
"Do you...", she starts to stutter, and looks down, "Could you, maybe... just for tonight... sleep with me?", she finishes with a sigh, and looks back up.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I smile involuntarily, and nod my head twice. She smiles too, "I'll just go put on my pajamas", I say and walk into my room.
It isn't so bad, being alive again. Not if I can just spend every single second with my sister. Then I can handle it.
A minute later, I'm crawling under her sheets, lying down next to her. She smiles again, and I take a hold of her hand. And life becomes easier again. More bearable. I don't know what the monks did, but it is something so wonderful, I can't understand how I ever managed to live without her.
"Dawn", I whisper her name, and smile, "Thank you."
"For what?", she asks with a frown.
"For making me stay", tonight. And the night I came back. Thank you for that too. I can take this life, and this pain. If it means you'll have things even the slightest bit better.
"Oh. Okay", she says and nods once, and then adds, "Thank you for staying", we share a brief smile.
Sometimes I think she feels the same way. Partly at least. Because I know she suffered when I was gone. I can still see it in her eyes. The fear of losing me again. It was in them, that night on top of the tower. I knew that if I jumped, she'd die too.
I close my eyes, and go to sleep. Because with Dawn, I can.
end
Author: Megan
Disclaimer: All things 'Buffy' belong to Joss Whedon and friends.
Feedback: Yes, please: shy_grrl@hotmail.com
Spoilers: I don't know. Pretty much everything I guess. Especially "The Bargaining" -duet, and "After Life" from season 6.
Summary: After being so rudely yanked from heaven, Buffy finds solace in her sister.
Author's Notes: I love Joss for creating one of the sweetest sister relationships I've ever seen on tv. In season 5 that is. And I hate him for destroying the whole thing in season 6.
***
"She's not your sister."
"No. She's not. She's more than that. She's me. The monks made her out of me. I hold her... and I feel closer to her than... It's not just the memories they built. It's physical. Dawn is a part of me."
-- Giles & Buffy, from "The Gift"
***
Home. Is where the heart is.
My heart is with her. So my home is with her. Being with her is the closest thing to heaven I know. And I know, what heaven is. I've been there. And I'll go there again, someday. Hopefully. And maybe she'll join me.
But for now, I'll stay here with her. She pleaded me to stay, and how could I deny her something like that? Even if every breath I take is pain. I can take a limited time of hurt for her. It's only fifty, sixty years more. Tops. And if it makes her the tiniest bit happier, then it's worth it.
She's fallen asleep against my shoulder again. I brush my hand through her hair once, and lean back on the sofa. I'm desperately clinging onto her small hand with my own. It's the only way I can sleep now. I have to feel her touch, her skin against mine. Otherwise there'll be a hell to pay in my dreams. But as long as she's with me, I'm at peace.
I wonder how it is for her? I wonder if she feels this pain, this constant aching, when I'm not around. Like some crucial part of her is missing. And no matter how much she tries, she can't rest until she's found it. Made sure it's still safe, that I'm still safe.
I don't think she does though. Sometimes I think I feel this strongly just because the monks made it so. They made this girl so that she would evoke an endless stream of compassion in me. But other times, when I look at her, I see that it isn't so. I don't love her just because she was made so. I also love her because she reminds me of mom. She reminds me of my childhood. Of our childhood. Our made up childhood... it doesn't matter why I love her so much. It only matters that I do.
"Buffy?", Willow's voice interrupts my attempt to fall asleep. It also wakes up Dawn, she startles slightly, and then lifts her head, "Are you gona sleep here again?"
I turn to look at her, and fight to keep my gaze soft.
It's not Willow's fault. It's not Willow's fault. It's not Willow's fault...
She was only doing what she thought was right, she was only trying to save me. She couldn't have known. So why can't I stop blaming her?
"No", I answer and shake my head, "No, just dozed off."
Dawn takes her hand away, and the second the contact ends, living becomes ten times harder. Even just breathing becomes almost impossible. It's always that way, my body and my mind get used to her touch. And when it's taken away, it feels like the closest thing to being cast down from heaven.
"What time is it?", my sister asks groggily. Reaching for the remote, she turns off the television.
"Past eleven", Willow replies quietly.
Dawn groans, and stands up, "Okay, that's enough for me. Goodnight", she says, and heads for the stairs.
"Goodnight", Willow says.
I just smile. And watch her go. Taking my sleep with her. I wish I had the strength to ask for her help. But I can't. I can't say the words. 'Dawn, can I sleep with you?' That's all it would take, but I can't say those words. Instead I come up with all these stupid ploys, trying to get her to fall asleep next to me.
"You're spending a lot of time with her", Willow goes on, when Dawn has disappeared.
"Yeah?", I reply, "Guess so."
"Any particular reason?"
I look at my friend for the longest time. Oh, how I wish I didn't recent her so much. But I can't help it. I should be thankful for her, she did it for me, for Dawn, "I need her", I finally answer quietly. I need to be close to her, it hurts too much otherwise. But I don't tell this to Willow. I don't tell her anything. And she feels betrayed because of it. And I feel a little bit better for causing her hurt.
"Buffy...", she says tenderly, and sits down next to me.
I jump up, "I'm gona go to bed too", I harshly tell her, and almost run out of the room.
It's not Willow's fault, it's not Willow's fault, it's not Willow's fault...
I force myself to stop at the doorway, "Willow?", I say her name in a softer tone, and turn to look at her. She's staring back at me, still sitting on the sofa, and looking so sad. My mouth is open, and I'm ready to forgive her. I know you meant well, I know you brought me back cause you thought it was the right thing to do. This is what I mean to say, but I don't. I don't have the strength for it. They brought me back gutless, "Goodnight", I say instead.
"Goodnight", she answers with the tiniest smile.
I slowly slouch up the stairs, dreading the coming night. It's gona be a long one once again. I don't dare to sleep alone anymore. The dreams always come. Waking up in a coffin is not fun. It's scary stuff.
In the upstairs corridor my slouching slows down to inching. I hate my room. I don't wanna go there. It's so dark, and lonely there.
Just when I make it to my door, Dawn comes out of the bathroom. I turn to look when I hear her. She's staring at me with a weird look about her. Like she's trying to decide something, "Hi", I hear myself greeting her for some reason.
"Hi?", she answers with a weak smile. And walks to her own door.
Just ask her. She'll say yes, without missing a beat, but you have to ask her. She won't know unless you ask her. I'm gaping at her with my mouth open, trying to muster the energy for a simple question. I don't have it though. They brought me back gutless. I give up, and reach for the door handle, turning away from my sister, "Buffy?", she asks tentatively, and I immediately swing back to face her.
"Yeah?"
"Do you...", she starts to stutter, and looks down, "Could you, maybe... just for tonight... sleep with me?", she finishes with a sigh, and looks back up.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I smile involuntarily, and nod my head twice. She smiles too, "I'll just go put on my pajamas", I say and walk into my room.
It isn't so bad, being alive again. Not if I can just spend every single second with my sister. Then I can handle it.
A minute later, I'm crawling under her sheets, lying down next to her. She smiles again, and I take a hold of her hand. And life becomes easier again. More bearable. I don't know what the monks did, but it is something so wonderful, I can't understand how I ever managed to live without her.
"Dawn", I whisper her name, and smile, "Thank you."
"For what?", she asks with a frown.
"For making me stay", tonight. And the night I came back. Thank you for that too. I can take this life, and this pain. If it means you'll have things even the slightest bit better.
"Oh. Okay", she says and nods once, and then adds, "Thank you for staying", we share a brief smile.
Sometimes I think she feels the same way. Partly at least. Because I know she suffered when I was gone. I can still see it in her eyes. The fear of losing me again. It was in them, that night on top of the tower. I knew that if I jumped, she'd die too.
I close my eyes, and go to sleep. Because with Dawn, I can.
end