A/N: And I'm back again…! I finally wrote something new, and it has yaoi in it, mostly taito. This is inspired by a great book called Studio sex/six by Liza Marklund. If you get the chance, read that book; it's really good, but I'm not sure if they have it translated into English…
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon. There. I've said it. Now read the fic!:)
Doubt by ThatGirl
Nineteen years, two months and seven days
I can see him coming through the hazes of the memory; the pattern is repeating itself, the chorus of our song switching on once again. He works himself up to his ordinary rage, begins with stomping and swearing, then pushing me around and shouting. The ordinary signs come to me as well, my vision reduces, my shoulders slope, my elbows are pressed against my sides and my hands are lifted up towards my head. The focus disappears, the sounds take over, the paralysis comes. A corner to sink down in, a silent plea of mercy.
His voice echoes in my head, and I can't hear my own. Terror's song thunders in my being, the nameless fear, the blurred dread… Maybe I'm trying to scream, I don't know, his bellow rises and falls, I'm being moved, the warmth spreads, the red arrives. No, I don't feel any pain. The pressure is red and hot. The song falls silent when the heaviest blows hit me, jerks like an old vinyl disc, then comes back a half tone higher. Horror, horror, terror and love. Don't hurt me! O please, please, love me above all!
He leaves me cold and empty, when he's done and finished, but not satisfied. He's never satisfied.
But he says
he'll never
let me go
*****
"Matt? Matt Ishida?" a surprised and cheerful voice yelled.
Matt spun around. A wild haired young man was running down the street, right towards him.
"I never thought I'd see you again! It's been quite a while, don't you think?"
Matt eyed the guy, confused. He looked to be about the same age as himself, and there was something familiar with him, something he couldn't really place.
"Don't you recognize me?" The guy asked him, and Matt picked up a slight trace of hurt in the rich voice. The chocolate eyes looked straight into Matt's azure ones.
"…Tai…?" The name came out as if it had lain very foreign on the blonde's tongue.
Tai's face lit up.
"You do remember me!" he said, beaming like the sun itself. Matt smiled back.
"Yeah, I do. Long time, no seen, or something like that, huh?"
"Yeah. So, you want to get a cup of coffee or an ice cream somewhere, just sit down, relax and catch up on each others' lives?" Tai wondered.
"Sounds good to me." Matt said.
*****
Nineteen years, two months and thirty daysI'm driven by a wish for understanding. I notice that I'm looking for explanations and connections where there might not be any. What do I really know about the conditions of love?
He's not really mean. Just exposed, small and skinless, scratched by his childhood. There is nothing that says his powerlessness always will express itself in the same way. When the time passes and he grows, he'll stop the hitting. My own awful doubts send the knife of shame stabbing through my stomach: I have judged his all too easily. I take my own development for granted while I ignore his entirely.
But still, the cold had built a large nest in my chest.
For he says
he'll never
let me go
*****
"So what have you been doing these years?"
"Nothing much. I've begun practising with the band again, and that's why I'm here in town. Sano's still in Kanazawa though."
"Sano Yousuke, huh… Are you two still dating?" Tai asked, trying to sound casual. He took a bite of the ice cream he'd bought.
Matt licked his own one carefully. Tai had insisted on paying for it.
"Yes. We're living together, but not now while I'm here in Tokyo. He didn't really want me to go."
"What has it been…like two years? And you're still in love with him?"
Matt suddenly looked very uneasy.
"Yes", he finally answered, not looking into Tai's eyes.
Tai nodded. "Yeah… Uh, I've loved someone for a very long time too, but I haven't told them."
"Why?"
"I haven't gotten the chance. This… person… was… is really great, but we
kind of got separated. And it's been a really long time too, I mean really
long time, and most would've gotten over it by now, but I haven't."
"Who is it, then?"
Tai shrugged off the question.
"Aren't you going to ask me how I've been?" He smiled, not managing to hide the bitterness in it completely.
Matt licked his lips hesitantly, but decided to let it go.
"Fine then. How have you been?"
"Alright, I guess. I'm still studying, I live in a cheap one-roomer downtown, and I get a phone-call every Sunday from my family who wants to 'check on me' and make sure I'm okay. Which I, by the way, always am." Tai nodded and folded his arms over his chest as if to confirm the last sentence extra much. He gave a small laugh.
"You're still playing soccer?"
"I try to go kick the ball around as often I get the chance. It's fun."
*****
Nineteen years, three months and eleven daysRoughness touching bare skin, the air is heavy with dust, the oxygen used up: my space to live has shrunk into the size of a coffin. The walls, pressing against my brain, my knees and elbows scraped up.
Deep hole, dark grave, the smell of soil.
Panic.
I have to confront him, and I want to break free, I crave for the independence… but he says I cannot.
He says that I've misunderstood everything, that I pick up the proportions all wrong. It is not life that is small; it is I who am too big.
He says he knows I can love him much better than this.
His love is endless. He loves me anyway. No one can give me what he can. He only has one condition.
He sayshe'll never
let me go
*****
"How does stuff go with the band then?" Tai asked.
"Good. We might even get a contract soon", Matt answered.
"Wow!" Tai tossed the paper that had been around his ice cream in a rubbish bin by a lamppost when he had finished the sweet and cooling thing. Matt still had half of his ice cream left, but Tai said no when he asked his friend if he wanted a bite of it.
"Mind getting me a tape or something with your band? I'd really like to hear some of the stuff you've made." Tai said.
Matt nodded and a calm silence settled between the two.
*****
Nineteen years, four months and one dayHe feels so violated, and I am so feeble in my objections. I know he is right. No on can ever love me the way he does. There is nothing he'd hesitate to do for me, or so he says, and yet I care more for the outside than about him.
My despair grows, my imperfection blossoms: poisonous, icy, blue. Destroying, to never be enough. I want to watch tv when he wants to make love, he twists my arm until it cracks. The emptiness takes over, black and wet, formless, nothing can penetrate it. He says I'm failing, and I can't find a way out.
I'm afraid, for my love is waning, and he knows it. Yet he loves me, more and more and more, he says.
But I miss the easy, the light. His blackness is blocking the horizon. It's not simple to navigate in dark. The circle is round and bad. I evoke the darkness inside of him that covers our love with fog. My steps become uncertain, I stumble on our path. His patience decreases.
I pay the price.
He says
he won't ever
let me go
*****
Tai moved closer to Matt on the park bench and Matt felt the urge to lean his head against the other one's shoulder. But he resisted it, turning away his gaze and blushing.
Tai just wrapped an arm around the slender shoulders, giving a gentle squeeze that made Matt's heart flutter. He couldn't refuse to give in to the small smile that wanted to curl his lips. Finally letting himself sink into the touch, Matt closed his eyes as Tai stroked his cheek. It almost felt as light as a feather. Tickled a little.
*****
Nineteen years, four months and nineteen daysI have to decide what's important. I have to draw a conclusion about what I am. Do I exist, except through him? Do I breathe, except though his mouth? Do I think, if I am outside of his world?
I've tried talking to him about it. His logic is simple and clear.
Do I exist, he wonders, except through you? Do I live, without you? he asks. Can I love without your love?
Then he answers.
No.
He needs me. He can't live without me. Never leave me, he says. We're the most important things in the world for each other.
He says
he'll never
let me go
I've been alone for a long time.
*****
"The one I talked about earlier… You know… the one I can't stop loving?" Tai murmured in Matt's ear. That moment, Matt wouldn't have cared if Tai had said Izzy, Davis or Sora or Elvis Presley or anyone. He just wanted to stay like he was right now forever, forget about everything else, only this mattered. But then realisation as well as reality hit him.
He jerked away from Tai, forcing himself to ignore the hurt expression in the dark, chocolate eyes.
"Please don't say", Matt whispered. His strained throat, head and eyes ached with unshed tears, his breaths were ragged.
"Why?"
"Because I feel the same"
"Why can't I say?" Tai asked again, his voice breaking.
"Because…" Matt shut his eyes.
*****
Nineteen years, four months and twenty nine daysYesterday, the crying didn't come, the terror-stricken panic when the attack is over. The heat got too strong, increased until the red became black. They say he saved my life. The mouth-to-mouth method brought back my spirit that the hands had abolished. I can't talk yet. The damages might have become chronic. He says I got a chunk of meat in my throat, and I can see it in the eyes of the doctors that they don't believe him. But no one asks anything.
He's crying on my blanket. He's been holding my hand in many hours. He prays, pleads and begs.
If I do what he wants me to do, I abolish the last obstacle. I delete what remains of my personality, and then there's nothing left. His goal is reached. Nothing stops him from taking the final step. Then he won't bring my soul back.
He says
he'll kill me
if I go
*****
"Please", Tai once again drew closer to Matt. "Is it Sano?"
Matt nodded feebly.
"You really love him, don't you?" The sadness was obvious in Tai's wonderful voice.
Matt shook his head. "Please, Tai", he said. "Just drop it"
Tai sighed hopelessly. "Okay. But can I still… hold you?"
"Yes", Matt said.
Tai wrapped his arms around Matt, pulling him into a tight embrace. Matt clung to Tai's warm, safe body, wishing things were different. Then they let go of each other, and Matt felt a pair of lips kissing his own ever so tenderly.
Tai cupped his hands around the beautiful boy's face, gazing softly into the deep, azure orbs. So young and harmless… yet old, experienced, wise…and hurt…
"How old are you anyway, angel?"
"Nineteen years, five months and fifteen days."
Tai couldn't keep himself from chuckling quietly.
"That was very exact"
"I keep count in my diary."
Please Review/ThatGirl