HABEN SIE GEHÖRT DAS DEUTSCHE JEDI
(A/N purposefully bad German grammar)
//HAVE YOU HEARD THE GERMAN JEDI?//
by Vicki Vance
Anakin meets a 'foreign' Jedi and learns a lesson. Funny if you know a little German. Confusing/amusing if you don't. Now it comes in English! Read chapter two if you are Germanically-impared.
Rated PG for German insults.
Author's Notes: Here I go again! Only this time, all you English-speaking people out there can read what the Jedi are saying. Everything between //words// has been translated from German to English. Now you German-speaking people can tell what I was trying to say. Also, I will throw in little author's notes (A/N) and give some pointers.
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars or German, although it would be fun if I owned German. I'm not sure how that would work... I am making no profit from this.
(Anakin and Obi-Wan are sitting in the Temle library. The Padawan is reading from a text pad entitled //'Learn German, Please!'// He is reading agonizingly slowly and incorrectly, much to the annoyance of his Master.)
Anakin: //W-w.. Wheeennn a-arrrr-//
Obi-Wan: //Are.//
Anakin: //Are you cooommminnnggggggg shoe//
Obi-Wan: //To.//
Anakin: //Do.//
Obi-Wan: //To.//
Anakin: //Do.//
Obi-Wan: No, Anakin. //To.// Start with a 't' sound and melt it into a 'z'. (applies only to German) //To.//
Anakin: //Do.//
Obi-Wan: No. That's not right. Make the 't' sound and just hold onto it.
Anakin: //D-// (Obi-Wan glares threateningly at him) Shoe?
Obi-Wan: No, no no! //When are you coming to dinner?// How hard is that?!
Anakin: It'd be easier if I knew what I was saying!
Obi-Wan: 'When are you coming to dinner?'! And I'll tell you, you won't get any nourishment until you get this right.
Anakin: Okay, when will I use this? Huh? Will I ever in my meager, meaningless, simple life need to know Dutch?
Obi-Wan: Deutsch. (A/N pronounced Doich, like oil and couch)
Anakin: Whatever.
Obi-Wan: It is a very structured language, more so than Basic and easier to learn.
Anakin: phft.
Obi-Wan: (ignoring him) Also, Jedi prefer to give codes in this language. Innuendo is often delivered in this language. (Anakin doesn't look convinced) I have a friend who grew up speaking Deutsch. Would you like to meet him?
Anakin: Sure. It's better than doing this.
(They pick up their texts and Obi-Wan leads his Padawan to the Communications section of the Temple. They meet a man a head shorter than Obi-Wan and chunky about the midsection)
Obi-Wan: //Good day, Master Nüchternheit.// (A/N Nüchternheit means sobriety)
Nüchternheit: //Good day, Master Kenobi.// And this is Anakin, no? //Good day, Anakin. What's up? How are you?//
Anakin: uhhh...
Nüchternheit: //How are you doing? What are you up to?// (to Obi-Wan) I thought you were teaching him the language of the sneaky simpleton.
Obi-Wan: I am, well, trying to. He doesn't see the worth of learning it.
Nüchternheit: Doesn't see the worth? Silly child! Don't you want to be smart?
Anakin: Yes...
Nüchternheit: And don't you want to excel in all your skill developments?
Anakin: Yes...
Nüchternheit: And don't you want to insult your friends without their knowing?
Obi-Wan: er...
Anakin: You bet I do!
Nüchternheit: (mood suddenly changes) Well, you can't if you don't know Deutsch! //Master Kenboi, let's play a trick on him!//
Obi-Wan: //That is a good idea.//
Anakin: (trying to understand what is being passed between his Master and the linguist) That is a good... something. And I heard something about playing from you, Master Nüchternheit.
Nüchternheit: //He knows a little Deutsch.//
Obi-Wan: //Only a little.//
Anakin: What are you guys saying?
Nüchternheit: You should know, but since you don't - //You are a dumbhead!// (taps his temple his a finger)
Obi-Wan: //No, he is a shithead.//
Nüchternheit: Master Kenobi! How rude to speak of your student in such a way! //Disgraceful!//
Anakin: (angrily) What did he say? What did he call me?
Obi-Wan: (shrugging a little defensively) //He snores.//
Nüchternheit: Aha! //I understand your burden. You have my pity.//
Obi-Wan: //Thanks.//
Anakin: (excitedly) That was thanks! That was thanks!
Nüchternheit: //See? He isn't that dumb.//
Obi-Wan: (laughing) //Everyone knows what 'danke' means!//
Nüchternheit: //Yes, but...//
Obi-Wan: //No buts! He must be taught a lesson.//
Nüchternheit: //Let's tease him with false words.//
Obi-Wan: Okay. Ummm... (clears his throat. Anakin watches with suspision, waiting for something strange to happen) //Now, I always take my moped to school.//
Anakin: What?
Nüchternheit: (laughing) That was good! I wasn't expecting that. How about... //I got no body and nobody cares.//
Anakin: What did you say?
Obi-Wan: //I find your face very expensive.//
Anakin: What did you say?!
Nüchternheit: //The grass is always greener on the sunny side of the gopher hole.//
Anakin: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SAYING?!!!
(moment of silence)
Nüchternheit: Actually, it'd be 'was die Hölle Sagen Sie?' (I don't think I have to translate that)
Anakin: I DON'T CARE WHAT IT IS IN DUTCH!
Obi-Wan: Deutsch.
Anakin: WHATEVER!! I CAN'T STAND NOT KNOWING WHAT YOU GUYS ARE SAYING ABOUT ME! AND I KNOW YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT ME! YOU'RE MEAN LIKE THAT! BOTH OF YOU!
Obi-Wan: But, Anakin, we're not talking about you.
Nüchternheit: We're not talking about anything.
Anakin: (calming down) Really?
Obi-Wan: Yes. He said something like, 'the grass is always greener on the sunny side of the gopher hole'.
Nüchternheit: And he told me he thought my face was expensive.
Anakin: What? Really?
Obi-Wan: Yes, Anakin. I'm just trying to show you all the fun you can have with knowledge. The more you know, the more you can prey on little boys with short tempers.
Anakin: -grumble- Fine! I'll learn Deutsch.
Nüchternheit: Ahh! Music to my ears! //Good bye, little man who likes to have a few beers too many!//
(the Master and Padawan begin to walk back to their room)
Obi-Wan: (after a moment) Do you think I'm mean?
Anakin: Yes. You were teasing me.
Obi-Wan: I had good reason too.
Anakin: No you didn't! Mom told me that teasing was bad and I never did it. My own Jedi Master is telling me my mom is wrong, and she isn't!
Obi-Wan: I never said that.
Anakin: Yeah, well, that's what it means to me.
Obi-Wan: (stops, kneels beside Anakin) I never meant to insult your mother. Although I did not have the chance to meet her, Qui-Gon described her to me. I don't think a woman like her could ever be wrong about anything.
Anakin: (quietly) Thanks.
Obi-Wan: (smiling, standing, and starts to walk) Besides, I was only playing a trick. You are always pulling pranks on me. Remember the glue in my boots?
Anakin: (snickers) That was funny.
Obi-Wan: (tightly) Until I developed an allergic reaction to the bonding agent and walked like a Gungun for four days after the healers took care of my cuticles.
Anakin: That was a bonus!
Obi-Wan: And then there was the time you put laxatives in my coffee and locked the bathroom door.
Anakin: (sniggling) The look on your face was just priceless.
Obi-Wan: And then, and I'll never forget this, you once told Yoda I was going crazy and was highly unstable and could crack at any moment...
(Anakin claps his hand over his mouth to stifle himself)
Obi-Wan: And about six Knights and Healers tackled me while I was lightsaber training with Kikel. They sedated me...
Anakin: mheheeheehehehemm.
Obi-Wan: Pumped me full of drugs...
Anakin: mhehm-snort-heeheemmm
Obi-Wan: And put me on suicide watch in a padded room with a fashionable yet unexpectedly confining shirt until they figured out they'd been fooled...
Anakin: (stops walking, bends over laughing, clutching his sides)
Obi-Wan: Two days later.
Anakin: (wiping away tears) That was great.
Obi-Wan: Oh, I was in hysterics, Padawan. Of course, that's what they all thought. And no one's looked at me the same since.
Anakin: Wizard, that was so funny. Two days of bliss.
Obi-Wan: Two days you could have spent learning, you little //shithead.//
Anakin: (stops laughing immediately) Uh...
Obi-Wan: Not so funny when you're on the receiving end, isn't it?
Anakin: No, Master.
Obi-Wan: I'm only just, Anakin. I'm not mean. I'm giving you exactly what you give me. Although I do not believe in this cruel form of punishment, you have responded to nothing else and since the asylum incident I feel like I've been forced into a corner with you.
Anakin: Sorry, Master.
Obi-Wan: It's all right. (ruffles his student's hair) You're worth it. Now, let's go learn insults in Deutsch. And maybe some in Huttese.
Anakin: But, I already know Huttese. I heard the worst of that language on Tatooine.
Obi-Wan: (raising his eyebrows) Ohh, did you now? Are you sure?
Anakin: Well, I think I did.
Obi-Wan: (sing-song) I don't know. I know some pretty nasty things.
Anakin: Oh yeah? Like what?
Obi-Wan: Let's make a deal. For every complete sentence you put together in Deutsch, I'll teach you a naughty word you don't know.
Anakin: Okay!
Obi-Wan: Now, how do you say 'when are you coming to dinner?'
Anakin: //When are you coming to dinner?//
Obi-Wan: (blinks) Wow, that wa-
Anakin: Now teach me a dirty word!
Obi-Wan: Anakin, I hardly think it appropri-
Anakin: C'mon, Obi-Wan. You promised!
Obi-Wan: Well...
Anakin: You're always telling me to learn something new.
Obi-Wan: Okay. Repeat after me. //I...//
Anakin: //I.//
Obi-Wan: //Am...//
Anakin: //Am.//
Obi-Wan: //Warm.// (A/N to a German, this would mean gay.)
Anakin: //Gay. I am gay! I AM GAY!// What's it mean?
Obi-Wan: It means, er, means 'I am... happy.'
Anakin: But that's not dirty.
Obi-Wan: Happy, Anakin. What's another word for happy?
Anakin: Uhhh.
Obi-Wan: Think about it.
Anakin: (realization dawns on him) You... PEEDUNKEL!
Obi-Wan: Hey, I know what that means! I'm fluent in Huttese, too, you know!
//The End//
There, now I'm all done. Peedunkel means boy, but I believe it is an offensive term, much like 'naïve or foolish child'. Also, it can be used in the sense that one is not yet a man, which is offensive in some cultures. I figure the Hutts hate everybody so they have lots of words to describe things in an unpleasant manner.