Disclaimer: I do not own Fushigi Yuugi or anything associated with Fushigi Yuugi. (AlthoughI wish I owned Hotohori and Nakago =P.)
Nakago stepped out of his tent and stood surveying the landscape. Everyone else was most likely asleep, and there was nothing wrong with a nighttime stroll. He set off towards the forest.
His pace slowed as memories of his past came flowing back into his mind. He shook his head to get rid of them and continued walking.
Soon, he reached a small area that seemed perfect to stop and be alone in. He sat down in front of a large oak tree and leaned back.
Closing his eyes, he thought of his future rather than his past. He would spend eternity as a deity: a vengeful god who let no offense go unpunished.
His eyes flew open again as he heard his mother scream, "Nakago!" in his head. He couldn't shut out the haunting images of his past. In his mind's eye, he saw his mother being used as a toy of pleasure by men who hated the Hin race. He saw himself growing angry and obliterating everyone near himeveryone including his beloved mother, his only friend.
Then he saw himself being led to the palace, being slapped or spit upon every few steps. On impulse, he wiped the nonexistant saliva off his cheek. He saw the indescribable grin on the Emperor of Kutou Country's face as he looked upon Nakago's young, innocent face for the first time.
His breath shortened as he remembered with horror his fourteenth birthday, when the Emperor had shown him what true cruelty was
"So you're 14 now, are you?" the Emperor asked, coming to sit next to Nakago on the bed.
"Yes, sir," the boy replied, the usual edge to his voice.
"Well, then, you've reached the age of discovery, my young lad: the age of maturity, and I've a gift for you."
"Gift? What kind of gift?"
Nakago watched with puzzlement and growing dread as the Emperor stood up, walked over to the door, and quietly ordered the guards who had accompanied him to wait outside, then proceeded to remove his outer robes.
"W-what are you doing?" Nakago asked, praying to anyone who could hear that what he was thinking was untrue.
"I'm simply going to give you my royal blessing is all," the Emperor replied, now wearing only his white pants.
"Majesty, I--"
"No, no. Don't say anything. Just come here."
Nakago simply sat on the bed, staring at the Emperor, knowing what was about to happen but willing himself not to believe it. He didn't move.
"I said come here, boy." Still, he didn't budge. "Come here or I will have you beaten and fed to the wolves."
Nakago slowly and hesitantly stood and walked over to the ruler of Kutou, being careful not to let the fear he felt show in his movements or his expression.
"Good boy," the Emperor said, as if Nakago was nothing more than a dog that needed training. "Now remove your clothes."
The blonde-haired boy shook his head. He knew such an action would most likely cause him to be execured, but he refused nonetheless.
The Emperor frowned. "Guards!" he called, and the two strong-looking men whom he had asked to wait outside hurried in. "Help this boy remove his outer garments," he ordered.
Nakago was handled very roughly as his clothes were ripped off his body and tossed in a heap nearby. The guards stepped back and stood at attention.
Wanting to cover up his nakedness but refusing to show weakness, he stood there, his pale body shing in the moonlight that streamed in from an open window. He clenched his fists to keep them from trembling and met the Emperor's greedy gaze defiantly.
"That's much better," said the dark-skinned man, a smile playing at his lips as his eyes scanned Nakago's form. "I must say, you have quite a body there, young man. I shall enjoy giving you my royal blessing. Will you let me do that, or are my guards going to have to make you let me?"
When Nakago raised his chin but kept eye contact, the Emperor raised an eyebrow. "I see," he said simply. He snapped his fingers, and the guards on either side of Nakago grabbed the boys arms roughly, nearly causing him to cry out in pain.
The Emperor approached him and ran a rough finger down the side of his face. "It's much more fun when they're willing, but I can't very well let a piece of work like you go by, now can I?"
Nakago remembered being turned around harshly, and could almost feel the dirty pervert's hands roving around on his body. He could almost taste the disgusting flavor of the Emperor's tongue, which had thrust itself mercilessly into his mouth repeatedly.
He stood up and clutched his forehead, willing the flashbacks to stop before they went any further, but they didn't.
He felt the Emperor press up close to his back, felt the hot breath on his neck. "No" he whispered, just as he had back then. "Please, no"
Tears filled his eyes once again as he remembered the immense pain that had flowed through his entire body as the Emperor broke the barrier between them. The same scream of pain, sorrow, and agony erupted from his lips as it had back then. He fell to his knees, tears streaming down his face.
Weakness, he thought. This is all weaknessweakness that should never exist in a man.
He knelt on the ground, clutching his stomach, trying his hardest to hold in the feelings that he had been holding in all his life. His shoulders shook with anticipated sobs that he refused to release.
Suddenly, his thoughts evaporated as a female voice said softly, "Nakago?"
He looked up to see Soi standing next to a tree nearby. His face shone with tears that he quickly wiped away. "Soi, what are you doing here?" He stood up, with much effort.
She stepped out of the shadows. "I went into your tent to check on you, but you weren't there, so I came to look for you. When I heard you cry out, I knew where to look" She looked at him, her face filled with concern. "Are you alright? I thought for sure that you would sense my chi, but I guess your mind was elsewhere"
Nakago turned away, not wanting her to see the pain in his eyes. "You should go back," he told her, cursing himself for his shaking voice.
"But I want to help you," she said, walking towards him.
Feeling her cool hand on the side of his neck, he turned around to face her. "There is nothing you can possibly do."
She placed her other hand on his cheek. "Do you think I care? I'll do whatever I think will make you happier."
He took her hands and placed them at her sides. "You have better things to do than try and seduce me, Soi," he said coldly. Don't give anything away, he told himself. We both need to be focusing our minds on getting both Shinzaho and calling Seiryuu.
"Nakago" Soi pleaded, her voice and her face showing the sadness she felt.
"Soi, don't," he said, trying his best to sound sharp and authoritative.
She hesitated, then shook her head. "I don't care what you say, Nakago. I love you, and I don't plan on that changing anytime soon," she snapped.
Her arms snaked up around his neck, and she kissed him deeply, letting her tongue slip into his mouth to play with his.
He had to fight himself. No he thought. Romance is only for the weak-hearted. He pulled away, turning his back to her.
As he began to walk away, he heard her say softly, "You don't want to fall in love. You're afraid to."
Nakago stopped and turned his head to look back at her. "I fear nothing," he said. "Not man, nor woman, nor beast."
"But you fear emotion," she pointed out as she slowly advanced toward him. "And you fear weakness."
He turned and continued to walk away, choosing not to reply. He couldn't let her know how right she was.
"It's your mother, isn't it?"
He stopped dead in his tracks, and his eyes widened. He whipped around to face her. "What do you know about my mother?" he spat, growing suddenly furious.
"Enough to know that you witnessed something horrible being done to her, and in protecting her, you ended up hurting her physically and yourself emotionally," she said quietly. "You don't want to admit you love a woman because you don't want anything--or anyone--to replace her."
He couldn't respond, because Soi had just revealed to him something he had yet to admit to himself, and it scared him.
He took off running, not caring where he ended up, just wanting to get away. He reached a lake in a sheltered glade, and without hesitation plunged in, not caring if his armor dragged him down.
As he sunk beneath the surface of the water, he faintly heard Soi's voice calling him
* * * * *
When he came to, he was lying naked on the forest floor, and Soi, in her underclothes, was lying on top of him, asleep. Nearby, a fire was burning, and the heat made him feel at peace.
He lay his head back on the ground, not wanting to disturb the sleeping woman on top of him and rather enjoying the fact that she was there. He figured she had just saved his life.
She stirred anyway, and looked up at him, her hair falling on his bare chest and giving him the chills.
"Oh good, you're awake," she said. "If you're wondering while we're like this, it's because you were about to freeze to death when I found you, so I gave you my body heat." She smiled. "I didn't take advantage of you while you were unconscious, don't worry. Although, now that I think about it, I have no idea why I didn't," she added with a playful grin.
Nakago didn't reply to this; he simply asked, "How do you know about my mother? I've never told another soul about what happened."
Tears of sympathy immediately filled Soi's eyes. "Your cries in your sleep tell me everything I need to know."
She suddenly sneezed and shivered, and Nakago, on impulse, sat up with her and held her close to him, feeling strangely comfortable with the fact that he was naked and she very nearly was.
"You know, you're not as heartless as you want everyone to think," she whispered to him, resting her head on his chest.
"Oh, shut up. I do this only because you are a fellow Seishii, and we can't have you getting sick while Seiryuu remains uncalled," he said sharply.
"Oh, that's bullshit and you know it." She placed an ice-cold hand on his muscular stomach, making his breath shorten, then placed her mouth on his neck, sucking gently.
Nakago forced back a moan, then said, "Soi, get off," his voice strained.
She pulled her mouth away and looked at him, smiling. Then she got off him completely, and looked at him as he placed his elbows on his knees and his forehead in his hands.
"Your mother would want you do be happy. You know that," she told him. "She wouldn't want you to spend your whole life living the same incident over and over again."
Nakago said nothing, but his body tensed as a single tear escaped his eye and ran its course down the side of his face, tracing the emotional scar the Emperor's finger had left.
Soi crawled over and kissed it off his chin. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Nakago finally let himself go. By way of response, he grabbed her and pressed his mouth against hers in a passionate kiss, which she gladly returned.
He lay her down on the grass and kissed her mouth, then her neck, then her chest. She moaned and arched her back. Then she grabbed his face and brought it back up to hers, where their tongues played a game of tag.
As the night progressed, a haunted man released the nightmare of his past and lived for a moment in the dream of his future, with the forest floor as his bed and the night sky as his blanket, the trees watching over him and guarding him.
As he lay on the glistening, slightly moistened grass, drenched in sweat, with Soi at his side, he recalled all the times she had used her magic to restore him to health by doing exactly what they had just done. Then he realized that it was only then that he had actually fully let himself be what he had always wanted to be: a lover.
For the first time since his mother died, Nakago looked into a woman's eyes and said, "I love you," and truly meant it.
A/N: Well, this is my first attempt at a FY fanfic, so don't be too hard on me, please! Should I write more? Let me know!