---------------------------------
Title: the LotR Musical
Plot: The LOTR characters go insane and suddenly burst into song at my will.
Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR or any of the characters (hell, I wish I did)!
---------------------------------
CHAPTER~ 1
Scene opens to Sauron sitting on his dark throne. He is glaring angrily at the framed picture of his ring that's he's currently using as a paper- weight on top of his desk. Everyone else is currently backstage, and he doesn't know anyone's watching.
Sauron: Stupid One Ring… *mumble, mumble* ruined stupid world domination…
Gollum enters
Gollum: … masssssster… zey're heeeeeeerrrrrrrrre.
Sauron: Here? Who's here? Oh, yes… Them... Thankyou, Igor. Go… Gnaw someone's leg…
Gollum: Mmm… Leeeeeeeegssssssssssssss… *walks off like a zombie with arms outstretched.*
Sauron: Welcome, One and all to the first ever Lord of the Rings Musical. Tonight we will feature celebrities such as – He is interrupted by Gollum, who has returned and is dragging Legolas by one of his feet. Gollum shows off his prize catch, who is screaming and trying his hardest to crawl away.
Gollum: Masssssssster! Leeeeeeeegssssssssssssss…
Sauron: That's… charming. Now… go away, Gollum. Go… play a game.
Gollum: Plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay…! *walks off like a zombie again, dragging Legolas.*
Legolas: NOOOOO! ANYTHING BUT THAT! AAAAAAAARGH! HAVE MERCY!
Sauron: So… Where was I? *shrug*
Sauron exits
Scene opens to Frodo sitting under a tree. Strange vocal sounds can be heard in the distance. Frodo jumps up! It's none other than… GANDALF! On his magical UNICYCLE!
Gandalf: *hum-dy, hum-dy, humm*
Frodo: You're late.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late. Why, my watch says I'm exactly on time!
Frodo: But Gandalf, you're watch is not ticking…
Gandalf: Exactly. How can I be late if the time never changes?
Frodo: … *climbs onto the sidecar which magically appeared from nowhere*
Gandalf: Make sure you're wearing your seatbelt. I can't afford to be late!
We are now left to endure many various shots of the two as they travel down the oh so terrifyingly dangerous streets of the Shire, avoiding the dangerous horrors such as Hobbit children, and … sheep! Oh, the HORROR! Frodo presses the Sydney-Buses-style STOP button which just magically appeared on a pole which also came out of nowhere. He gets out of the sidecar, which magically disappears in a spiral of smoke. Gandalf continues driving until he reaches Bag-End. He climbs off his unicycle and knocks on the door. There is a sign above the door saying, "Hobbit Hole. Enter Here."
Bilbo: Who goes thar!?
Gandalf: It is the wonderousfully magical Merlin the Magician!
Bilbo: … *opens door* Gandalf, I may be getting older but I am NOT getting stupider.
Gandalf: I'm not getting older either!
Bilbo: … What are you on about, Gandalf? *closes door behind himself and Gonedaft. Er… I mean, 'Gandalf'*
Gandalf: My theory is, if time never changes, then the effects of time will never effect us!
Bilbo: I think I need some coffee…
Gandalf: Oh, thankyou for the offer Bilbo! I'd love a cup of tea! And some of that lovely fruitloaf I saw through the kitchen window!
Bilbo: *mutters under his breath* I'm looking at it…
Gandalf: But the real reason I'm here Bilbo, is about the… "ring".
Bilbo: Oh, yes. THAT old thing… Well, you're not having it.
Gandalf: You mean I can have it? What a generous offer! Oh, thankyou Bilbo!
Bilbo: Actually, I decided to give it to Frodo.
Gandalf: Frodo? Who be this Frodo? I swear I've heard that name before…
Bilbo: He's my nephew, Gandalf.
Gandalf: … nephew?
Bilbo: *sigh* Well, better get ready for the party!
Gandalf: Oh don't worry about the party, Bilbo. We've got plenty of time!
FAST FORWARD! Scene changes to Bilbo's party. Frodo is watching a very nervous Sam dancing with Rose. Merry & Pippin are stealing one of the fireworks. Bilbo is story-telling.
Merry: No, the BIG one!
Pippin: Thus wun?
1.1 Merry: Yeah! The BIG one! Hurry, and get back in 'ere!
Pippin: Great! So… where're thu mutches?
Merry: Don't tell me you forgot the matches!
Pippin: I thought you were bringin' thum!
Merry: … I know! *picks up two sticks off the ground*
We now watch as they hopelessly try to light the firework for about 10 minutes
Merry: Aw, this'll NEVER work!
Pippin: Wait! I huv an idea! *pulls out a cigarette lighter* Maybe thus'll light thu stucks!
Merry: … you idiot… *snatches the lighter and lights the fireworks* Wait, you're meant to stick it in the ground!
Pippin: Et es un thu ground!
Merry: You idiot!
Pippin: Thus was all your idea!
KABAAM. the firework's off & hobbits run round like maniacs 'cos it looks like a dragon.
Merry: That was good.
Pippin: Lut's get another wun!
Gandalf: *grabs them by the ears* Meriadoc Brandybuck… and Peregrin Took…
Merry: That's MISTER Meriadoc Brandybuck to you!
Pippin: End MUSSES to me, too!
Merry: You idiot!
Pippin: Thut's no way to speak to a lady!
Gandalf drags them off and makes them wash dishes. Bilbo's ready to make his speech before the 144 Hobbits.
Bilbo: Ah-hem! My dear people. My dear Bagginses and Boffins, Tooks and Brandybucks, and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers, Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots –
Mr. Proudfoot: ProudFEET!
Bilbo: … Proudfoots… Today is my one hundred and eleventh birthday! I'm eleventy-one today!
143 hobbits: Hurrah!
Merry: Bet he doesn't have to wash dishes…
Bilbo: I hope you're all enjoying yourselves as much as I am?
142 Hobbits: Yes!
Merry: No…
Pippin: Merry Christmas!
Bilbo: Firstly, I would like to say that eleventy-one years is much too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable hobbits.
Merry: Not short enough…
Bilbo: I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as much you deserve.
144 Hobbits & 1 Wizard: ???
Bilbo: … And secondly, today is, of course also the birthday of my heir and nephew Frodo!
143 hobbits: Frodo! Frodo!
Bilbo: And finally, I regret to announce that I am the weakest link and I am going now. GOODBYE! *vanishes*
Pippin: He must've got stage-fright!
FAST FORWARD AGAIN, skipping scene where Bilbo leaves, straight to Frodo and Gandalf at Bag End
Frodo: Uncle Bilbo?
Gandalf: He went for a walk.
Frodo: But he mysteriously left the party over an hour ago.
Gandalf: … A long, loooong walk. To visit… the Elves! Yes. The Elves. Very long walk. Can't get there by bus!
Frodo: But whyever did he leave, Gandalf?
Gandalf: Because… Well… because… The Ring! Yes! The RING! *points to the ring and scolds it* Oh, no, very bad Ring! Bad, BAD, Ring!
Frodo: Whatever did the Ring do to make it so bad, Gandalf?
Gandalf: Why, it was made by Sauron the Dark And Evil Person from Mordor Who Wears An Engraved Golden Ring Of Almighty Power on His Index Finger!
Frodo: I can't say I've heard of him…
Gandalf: Well, one day while skipping daintilly along the rolling green hills of Mordor, he decided to take over thw WORLD! *clap of thunder in the background for effect*
Frodo: Eep!
Gandalf: Now, Frodo. Put the Ring into the fire!
Frodo: If you say so… *does as he's told, like a good little hobbit*
Gandalf: Now, pass me the marshmallows.
Frodo: If you say so Gandalf, but shouldn't we take the Ring out about now? It's starting to look all funny…
Gandalf: Yes, I know I look funny but personal comments really aren't in very good taste, my young Frodo. Now, I think we should take out the ring. It's starting to look funny. *uses tongs and passes it to Frodo* Hold it up! Look closely!
Frodo: I cannot read the fiery letters, what do they say?
Gandalf: "Insert finger here… Made… in… China…"
Frodo: But what does it mean?
Gandalf: Yes, I know Sauron's very mean, but we can't judge people on first appearances.
Frodo: I don't understand…
CUE MUSIC – Bippity Boppity Boo!
Gandalf: Salakadoolamechikaboola bippity boppity boo
Put it together and what have you got?
The One Ring to take to Mount Doom!
Now, salakadoolamee, mechikaboolaroo
But the thingamebob that does the job
Bippity Boppity Boo!
STOP MUSIC
Frodo: Gandalf, You're starting to scare me…
Gandalf: Sssh! I think I heard something! *the snipping of Sam's hedge clippers can clearly be heard. Gandalf reaches out the window and grabs Sam.* Samwise Gamgee! Have you been eavesdropping!?
Sam: I ain't been dropping no eaves, Mr. Gandalf, Sir! There ain't even no eaves in Bag End, and that's a fact!
Gandalf: What did you hear, Samwise Gamgee!?
Sam: Nothing important, Mr. Gandalf, Sir! But PLEASE don't hurt me, sir! And… don't turn me into anything… unnatural…?
Gandalf: What did you hear!?
Sam: Well, something about a Ring, and a Dark Lord, and the End of the World, BUT NOTHING IMPORTANT!
---------------------------------
NEXT CHAPTER: Frodo begins his quest!
AUTHOR'S WASTE OF SPACE: And yes, it would be safe to assume that I have no clue what the words to Bippity Boppity Boo may actually be.
You have read another fanfiction by
.: a d u i a l ! :.
Title: the LotR Musical
Plot: The LOTR characters go insane and suddenly burst into song at my will.
Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR or any of the characters (hell, I wish I did)!
---------------------------------
CHAPTER~ 1
Scene opens to Sauron sitting on his dark throne. He is glaring angrily at the framed picture of his ring that's he's currently using as a paper- weight on top of his desk. Everyone else is currently backstage, and he doesn't know anyone's watching.
Sauron: Stupid One Ring… *mumble, mumble* ruined stupid world domination…
Gollum enters
Gollum: … masssssster… zey're heeeeeeerrrrrrrrre.
Sauron: Here? Who's here? Oh, yes… Them... Thankyou, Igor. Go… Gnaw someone's leg…
Gollum: Mmm… Leeeeeeeegssssssssssssss… *walks off like a zombie with arms outstretched.*
Sauron: Welcome, One and all to the first ever Lord of the Rings Musical. Tonight we will feature celebrities such as – He is interrupted by Gollum, who has returned and is dragging Legolas by one of his feet. Gollum shows off his prize catch, who is screaming and trying his hardest to crawl away.
Gollum: Masssssssster! Leeeeeeeegssssssssssssss…
Sauron: That's… charming. Now… go away, Gollum. Go… play a game.
Gollum: Plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay…! *walks off like a zombie again, dragging Legolas.*
Legolas: NOOOOO! ANYTHING BUT THAT! AAAAAAAARGH! HAVE MERCY!
Sauron: So… Where was I? *shrug*
Sauron exits
Scene opens to Frodo sitting under a tree. Strange vocal sounds can be heard in the distance. Frodo jumps up! It's none other than… GANDALF! On his magical UNICYCLE!
Gandalf: *hum-dy, hum-dy, humm*
Frodo: You're late.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late. Why, my watch says I'm exactly on time!
Frodo: But Gandalf, you're watch is not ticking…
Gandalf: Exactly. How can I be late if the time never changes?
Frodo: … *climbs onto the sidecar which magically appeared from nowhere*
Gandalf: Make sure you're wearing your seatbelt. I can't afford to be late!
We are now left to endure many various shots of the two as they travel down the oh so terrifyingly dangerous streets of the Shire, avoiding the dangerous horrors such as Hobbit children, and … sheep! Oh, the HORROR! Frodo presses the Sydney-Buses-style STOP button which just magically appeared on a pole which also came out of nowhere. He gets out of the sidecar, which magically disappears in a spiral of smoke. Gandalf continues driving until he reaches Bag-End. He climbs off his unicycle and knocks on the door. There is a sign above the door saying, "Hobbit Hole. Enter Here."
Bilbo: Who goes thar!?
Gandalf: It is the wonderousfully magical Merlin the Magician!
Bilbo: … *opens door* Gandalf, I may be getting older but I am NOT getting stupider.
Gandalf: I'm not getting older either!
Bilbo: … What are you on about, Gandalf? *closes door behind himself and Gonedaft. Er… I mean, 'Gandalf'*
Gandalf: My theory is, if time never changes, then the effects of time will never effect us!
Bilbo: I think I need some coffee…
Gandalf: Oh, thankyou for the offer Bilbo! I'd love a cup of tea! And some of that lovely fruitloaf I saw through the kitchen window!
Bilbo: *mutters under his breath* I'm looking at it…
Gandalf: But the real reason I'm here Bilbo, is about the… "ring".
Bilbo: Oh, yes. THAT old thing… Well, you're not having it.
Gandalf: You mean I can have it? What a generous offer! Oh, thankyou Bilbo!
Bilbo: Actually, I decided to give it to Frodo.
Gandalf: Frodo? Who be this Frodo? I swear I've heard that name before…
Bilbo: He's my nephew, Gandalf.
Gandalf: … nephew?
Bilbo: *sigh* Well, better get ready for the party!
Gandalf: Oh don't worry about the party, Bilbo. We've got plenty of time!
FAST FORWARD! Scene changes to Bilbo's party. Frodo is watching a very nervous Sam dancing with Rose. Merry & Pippin are stealing one of the fireworks. Bilbo is story-telling.
Merry: No, the BIG one!
Pippin: Thus wun?
1.1 Merry: Yeah! The BIG one! Hurry, and get back in 'ere!
Pippin: Great! So… where're thu mutches?
Merry: Don't tell me you forgot the matches!
Pippin: I thought you were bringin' thum!
Merry: … I know! *picks up two sticks off the ground*
We now watch as they hopelessly try to light the firework for about 10 minutes
Merry: Aw, this'll NEVER work!
Pippin: Wait! I huv an idea! *pulls out a cigarette lighter* Maybe thus'll light thu stucks!
Merry: … you idiot… *snatches the lighter and lights the fireworks* Wait, you're meant to stick it in the ground!
Pippin: Et es un thu ground!
Merry: You idiot!
Pippin: Thus was all your idea!
KABAAM. the firework's off & hobbits run round like maniacs 'cos it looks like a dragon.
Merry: That was good.
Pippin: Lut's get another wun!
Gandalf: *grabs them by the ears* Meriadoc Brandybuck… and Peregrin Took…
Merry: That's MISTER Meriadoc Brandybuck to you!
Pippin: End MUSSES to me, too!
Merry: You idiot!
Pippin: Thut's no way to speak to a lady!
Gandalf drags them off and makes them wash dishes. Bilbo's ready to make his speech before the 144 Hobbits.
Bilbo: Ah-hem! My dear people. My dear Bagginses and Boffins, Tooks and Brandybucks, and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers, Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots –
Mr. Proudfoot: ProudFEET!
Bilbo: … Proudfoots… Today is my one hundred and eleventh birthday! I'm eleventy-one today!
143 hobbits: Hurrah!
Merry: Bet he doesn't have to wash dishes…
Bilbo: I hope you're all enjoying yourselves as much as I am?
142 Hobbits: Yes!
Merry: No…
Pippin: Merry Christmas!
Bilbo: Firstly, I would like to say that eleventy-one years is much too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable hobbits.
Merry: Not short enough…
Bilbo: I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as much you deserve.
144 Hobbits & 1 Wizard: ???
Bilbo: … And secondly, today is, of course also the birthday of my heir and nephew Frodo!
143 hobbits: Frodo! Frodo!
Bilbo: And finally, I regret to announce that I am the weakest link and I am going now. GOODBYE! *vanishes*
Pippin: He must've got stage-fright!
FAST FORWARD AGAIN, skipping scene where Bilbo leaves, straight to Frodo and Gandalf at Bag End
Frodo: Uncle Bilbo?
Gandalf: He went for a walk.
Frodo: But he mysteriously left the party over an hour ago.
Gandalf: … A long, loooong walk. To visit… the Elves! Yes. The Elves. Very long walk. Can't get there by bus!
Frodo: But whyever did he leave, Gandalf?
Gandalf: Because… Well… because… The Ring! Yes! The RING! *points to the ring and scolds it* Oh, no, very bad Ring! Bad, BAD, Ring!
Frodo: Whatever did the Ring do to make it so bad, Gandalf?
Gandalf: Why, it was made by Sauron the Dark And Evil Person from Mordor Who Wears An Engraved Golden Ring Of Almighty Power on His Index Finger!
Frodo: I can't say I've heard of him…
Gandalf: Well, one day while skipping daintilly along the rolling green hills of Mordor, he decided to take over thw WORLD! *clap of thunder in the background for effect*
Frodo: Eep!
Gandalf: Now, Frodo. Put the Ring into the fire!
Frodo: If you say so… *does as he's told, like a good little hobbit*
Gandalf: Now, pass me the marshmallows.
Frodo: If you say so Gandalf, but shouldn't we take the Ring out about now? It's starting to look all funny…
Gandalf: Yes, I know I look funny but personal comments really aren't in very good taste, my young Frodo. Now, I think we should take out the ring. It's starting to look funny. *uses tongs and passes it to Frodo* Hold it up! Look closely!
Frodo: I cannot read the fiery letters, what do they say?
Gandalf: "Insert finger here… Made… in… China…"
Frodo: But what does it mean?
Gandalf: Yes, I know Sauron's very mean, but we can't judge people on first appearances.
Frodo: I don't understand…
CUE MUSIC – Bippity Boppity Boo!
Gandalf: Salakadoolamechikaboola bippity boppity boo
Put it together and what have you got?
The One Ring to take to Mount Doom!
Now, salakadoolamee, mechikaboolaroo
But the thingamebob that does the job
Bippity Boppity Boo!
STOP MUSIC
Frodo: Gandalf, You're starting to scare me…
Gandalf: Sssh! I think I heard something! *the snipping of Sam's hedge clippers can clearly be heard. Gandalf reaches out the window and grabs Sam.* Samwise Gamgee! Have you been eavesdropping!?
Sam: I ain't been dropping no eaves, Mr. Gandalf, Sir! There ain't even no eaves in Bag End, and that's a fact!
Gandalf: What did you hear, Samwise Gamgee!?
Sam: Nothing important, Mr. Gandalf, Sir! But PLEASE don't hurt me, sir! And… don't turn me into anything… unnatural…?
Gandalf: What did you hear!?
Sam: Well, something about a Ring, and a Dark Lord, and the End of the World, BUT NOTHING IMPORTANT!
---------------------------------
NEXT CHAPTER: Frodo begins his quest!
AUTHOR'S WASTE OF SPACE: And yes, it would be safe to assume that I have no clue what the words to Bippity Boppity Boo may actually be.
You have read another fanfiction by
.: a d u i a l ! :.