Redux
By KateF - kathrynf@gmx.net
October 2001
Disclaimer: Paramount still owns Star Trek: Voyager, though I don't exactly like what they did with it.
Author's Note: This story is dedicated to Caffey. Thanks for being a friend I can confide in, thanks for being a faithful JCer. Thanks for actually writing something to the end. Or attempting to, anyway. 8)
Acknowledgements: Thank you to Caffey, Sylvia, Jade and Ala for their input. *hugz* Thank you sooooo much for actually betaing the whole thing, Bex! *HUGZ TIGHTLY*
@ -;-- 3 --;- @
Kathryn sat bolt upright in what should have been her bed, but seemed to be much too hard and uncomfortable for it. She opened her eyes in confusion, shielding them immediately against the bright illumination. Sickbay. Why was she in sickbay? Shouldn't she be dead? Kathryn wondered, as the doctor came into view.
"Good morning, Captain," he smiled reassuringly.
"Doctor. What am I doing here? I shouldn't be here, you shouldn't be here, Voyager shouldn't be here," she looked around, waving her hands as if to make a point.
"Captain, I am afraid I don't understand a word you're saying. You're confused, you're still in a state of shock, and frankly, you seem to be delusional."
Kathryn rubbed her temples, wondering if anything the doctor said made sense. Why should she be in shock? Voyager being blown up did seem to be a good reason for shock, but why should she, and even more confusingly, the whole ship, have survived an explosion? She had felt the heat coming towards her and then her life had ended, simple as that. She couldn't remember anything else from the week prior to that. What had happened?
"Shock?" She asked, shaking her head in order to get a clear mind.
"You don't remember?"
"What the heck should I remember, why am I in sickbay and where the heck is Chakotay when I need him? He's usually here when I wake up. So, where is he?"
"You really don't remember. You must be suffering from some kind of amnesia, Captain. Wait here, I need to check you over, see what caused it." He was out of the room before she could glare him into shutting down.
"Doctor, I want to know. NOW," she ordered, but got no reply whatsoever. "What are you hiding from me? Why can't you answer a simple question, damnit!"
Jumping onto her feet, she regretted that move almost immediately as a wave of nausea nearly made her faint. Grinding her teeth, she willed her dizziness away, straightening her sickbay gown to look halfway decent.
Feeling rather than seeing, she checked her hair and decided she looked well enough to make a run for the door and expose herself to the crew. *What the heck*, she thought as she momentarily hesitated to cross the threshold that led into the corridor, *It's not like they should be alive, or I for that matter. The ship shouldn't be here either, come to think of it. They will just have to deal with a barely dressed Captain. Barely dressed and severely pissed.*
She braced herself and went out into the world that shouldn't be anymore. The crewmembers she passed eyed her warily as if they were afraid she was about to do something stupid. Was she? And why would she? She had let Voyager blow up - that certainly counted as stupid, didn't it?
She stopped dead in her tracks in front of Chakotay's quarters. Ringing the chime, once, twice, she got no response. *Damn that man,* she thought, her temper flaring. *Where is he?*
Without a second thought she keyed in the override and stormed into his quarters.
"Chakotay? Chakotay, where are you?"
She went from room to room, inspecting everything. Finding many items that told of the time they spent together, she couldn't pinpoint the exact moment she had last been in his private room. Her fingers brushed along the frame of a picture of the two of them taken a long time ago. She paused for a moment, taking the scene in. They looked truly happy, their love-filled eyes shining brightly into the camera. Her eyes showed what she wanted to, needed to tell him more than anything else.
She wandered into his bedroom, hoping that he'd just fallen asleep exhausted from a long day. She had never seen this room before and thus felt like an intruder as she wandered in. The bed was empty - not a sign of him. The covers lay rumpled as if he had left in a hurry that morning. He had probably overslept, she thought smiling.
Her eyes focused on something on the nightstand. Another picture. Only this one told her all she needed to know. It showed her. Blushing, she realized it showed her relaxing on New Earth. He must have taken it unnoticed, for she seemed truly oblivious of the world around her. She was leaning against a tree, her feet dangling into the river not far away from their cabin. Her shoes and socks were lying next to her and she seemed to be idly playing with one of the laces. Her other hand was resting on her stomach. Her dress revealed more of her legs than she would have liked. But most of all, she marvelled at the look on her face. It showed pure bliss, contentment, and happiness.
Her eyes were closed as she stretched her face into the sun, a smile gracing her lips. She had never seen herself that happy.
Ever since New Earth, or even before, they had shared a link, able to sense when the other was fine, or when that wasn't the case. How could she ever forget the day she had made the decision to love him freely, to give in to his advances, and become his woman warrior forever. Shortly afterwards she had forced herself to get up and get some work done. She used to hate gardening with a passion, but watching those Talaxian tomatoes grow, knowing the man she loved was waiting for her inside their little cabin had certainly changed her mind. Soon enough he emerged from their shelter and joined her on the lawn, telling her there was something inside he needed her opinion of.
She sighed. The day she had sworn to tell him she loved him had much too soon become the day she swore to herself she couldn't love him aboard their ship. It was the day she locked her heart and threw away the key. The key she intended to retrieve.
Kathryn wondered why she hadn't felt his presence as he took this photo. She always felt his presence. Ever since New Earth, or even before, they had known the other was fine. And they had also felt when that wasn't the case. They shared a bond that was special to the two of them. It was almost holy.
She blushed again as she remembered that she actually had felt his eyes on her. She remembered that her dress had innocently slipped up, bit for bit, exposing more and more leg to him. She had played with him, pretending he wasn't there. The movement of her dress was, of course, completely innocent and just a side effect of the wind that was also playing with her hair.
She had tried to convince herself of that, back then.
She shook her head at her behaviour. Chakotay had the definite gift to bring out the teen in her.
@ -;--
Sitting down at the edge of his bed she wondered again where he was. Her mind reached out to touch his as it had done so many times in the past, only this time it didn't get any response. An away mission? Kathryn was suddenly very scared. She didn't feel him. Not even the faintest touch of his mind. If he was on some away mission, why didn't she get just a little hint of his presence? Why had the doctor refused to answer her question?
She knew there was only one way to find out. Did she really want to know? She pulled his cushion to her, hugging it tightly, before bracing herself for what the computer might tell her.
Taking a deep breath, she finally asked. "Computer, where is Commander Chakotay?"
"Commander Chakotay is not a member of this crew, please restate your question."
Kathryn gulped.
"What was the last known status of Chakotay, First Officer?" She asked in a trembling voice.
"Searching."
Kathryn closed her eyes, her knuckles turning white with the sheer determination with which she clung to the pillow.
"Last entry to his medical file was made 3 days ago."
She had to gather all her strength to whisper the next three words. "Play the entry."
The doctor's voice could be heard. And as she started to sob she got the clarification for what she'd feared ever since she woke up without seeing him. What she'd most feared in her entire life.
"Time of death 10:30."
When Kathryn felt able to stop shaking long enough to move her limbs, she let her numb form fall backwards, seeking comfort in her surroundings. It all smelled like him, the t-shirt he had thrown carelessly onto the bed. The sheet that tangled between her legs, the pillow she still clung to for dear life. Everything.
Suddenly, she heard the doors to his quarters slide open. Had it all been some kind of sick joke? She reached out to the intruder with her mind. Nothing. She buried herself deeper into his bed, willing them to go away. By now she could make out a few definite voices. The doc and Tom Paris. Had they come to get her? What were they planning? She would in no way let them take her away from him. She would stay here forever, until she herself died of grief. Or anything else that would come in handy.
"Captain?" Tom began as he found her. Then he thought better of it. "Kathryn?"
Kathryn found herself unable to respond to anything he said or did. She felt his arm on her shoulder, trying to rouse her, trying to get any sign of life from her.
Kathryn squeezed her eyes shut, willing them to just leave her alone.
By now the doctor had joined Tom Paris. She could hear the faint beeping of two medical tricorders taking readings.
"She is in a state of extreme shock," the doctor stated, a hint of worry in his voice.
"Why didn't she remember?" Tom asked, his voice shaking.
"I don't know, Lieutenant. There have been cases of patients reacting with amensia to traumatic incidents. Without doubt the Captain suffered an enormous loss."
Kathryn wanted to scream at them, she wanted them to leave her alone, but her muscles wouldn't obey, as they continued their conversation. Why were they behaving as if she wasn't there?
Contrary to what they believed, she could hear every single word, every medical explanation for the things she was going through right now. They even dared to assume what was going on in her head.
She clenched her teeth and willed the numbness away for a second. Enough for her to turn around, enough to get a glimpse of the pity that was written all over their faces.
"Stop that, both of you," she hissed. "You have no idea what I am going through, nor have you got any right to make assumptions. Go away and leave me alone. And doctor, I will never forgive you for not telling me the truth. Now, out!"
The doctor tried to reason with her, "I am afraid that won't be possible, Captain. You need to focus again, you need to be there for your crew."
"No," she muttered, "I won't. I can't. Leave me alone."
She noticed Tom Paris slipping through the bedroom doors coming closer to the bed. Why hadn't she seen him leaving? Why hadn't he realised he was no longer wanted in the room? His arm stretched towards her, telling her that Chakotay wouldn't have wanted her being like this. Chakotay's people believed that the soul lived on. He told her to try contacting him. Only now did she realize that in his outstretched hand lay a bundle of leather. Chakotay's medicine bundle.
She commanded her arm to raise the few centimeters so that she would be able to take the precious item from him. Clutching it to her breast, she managed to give Tom a hint of a smile. A smile that never reached her eyes. Those were hollow, deep pools of emptiness.
Tom averted his eyes and looked at the doctor. "Let's leave her alone for a while, doc. She has to come to terms with the loss."
"But... Why don't we just sedate her-" the doc began, earning a glare from Tom Paris.
"What exactly would that solve? It didn't work yesterday, so why would it work today?"
"It might just result in further amnesia. Do you want to go through this again?" He hissed as he pushed the EMH out of Chakotay's quarters.
@ -;--
She didn't know how much time had passed since they had left. She still lay there, unmoving, clutching the bundle in her arms. What if she went into the spirit world but wouldn't be able to find him? What if he wasn't waiting for her after all? Fear shot through her veins, almost panic. Could she take the risk and see it through? Could she dare to risk having the last of her hopes destroyed?
All those thoughts, fear, ran through her mind as she tried to reach a decision. It took a long time, she didn't know how long. But she also didn't care. Time didn't matter anymore, for she didn't have a reason to care for anything anymore. She was afraid that this spirit quest would be the biggest mistake of her life. Maybe not the biggest for that had been not letting Chakotay know what she felt and not letting him be the part of her life he should have been. For a minute or two Kathryn knew she wouldn't risk it. She wouldn't try to find him in the afterlife. For if she didn't, she could just die and join him in death without having to wonder if he would be there, waiting for her. If she went on the spirit quest now and didn't find him, there would not only be no point in living, there would also be no point in dying.
Kathryn had actually managed to give herself a headache with her musings. This painfully reminded her that she was still alive and that she still had to reach a decision.
Her curiosity, her need to see him, finally won. She placed the akoonah in front of her after willing herself into a sitting position. Spreading the other items of his medicine bundle in front of her, her shaking hand reached out to touch the akoonah. Focusing on the little bracelet in her hand she recognized as hers, she repeated the words of his ancestors, his words, until darkness washed over her.
@ -;--
Kathryn opened her eyes as she felt water playing across her ankles and toes. She found herself sitting near the river, her back rested against the trunk. The scenario she found herself in seemed familiar, it was familiar. She smiled as she realized that this could be an indication that he was indeed waiting for her in the afterlife. Still, she doubted it, ever the scientist. She did not dare to look into the direction she knew he must have been hiding the day he took the photo. Instead her head was turned into the sun, her mind reaching out to find his, to touch him, to make sure he was indeed there.
Suddenly, she felt his love embracing her like a warm shield. He was there, he was really there. And he was near, watching her. Opening her eyes she noticed him hiding behind a tree on the other side of the small stream.
"Chakotay," she breathed, willing him to show himself to her.
He must have felt her need, for he slowly came out of his hiding spot, smiling at her. It was the smile he reserved only for her.
Kathryn burst into tears the moment she spotted him. He was there, he really was there. Just like he had promised. He would always be waiting for her.
Her eyes were closed tightly as she felt a hand on her shoulder, drawing her into a tight embrace. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he whispered into her hair, kissing it gently. His arms stroked her back in an attempt to soothe her a little.
"I'm so sorry," he repeated over and over again.
After what seemed forever in his arms she felt him raising her chin. Her crying had subsided to an occasional hiccup that would shake her whole body. He glanced deep into her eyes and saw the emptiness and hopelessness that radiated from them.
"Kathryn, I-" he began, only to be stopped by her lips crushing down onto his. Her hands travelled up his shirt to cup his face, to trace his tattoo, to make sure he really was there.
He was the one to break the kiss what seemed an eternity later. His hand left her back long enough to brush the thumb across her lips, to brush the fingers over her cheeks, wiping the tears away that seemed to be replaced as soon as he had done so. Giving up on that, it returned to her back, hugging her tightly to him, never wanting to let go ever again.
"I love you, Chakotay." Her whispered voice was muffled by his chest, "I love you."
"I know," he answered. "And you know I love you."
"I don't want to live on, Chakotay. I can't. Not without you," she began, another sob cursing through her body.
"You can. You have to. You have to save your crew and ship from destruction and maybe, just maybe, you'll find the time to rescue me while you're at it."
"You? How? I mean," she tried to phrase a question, but only could repeat, "How?"
"You will see, Kathryn Janeway. I can't tell you anything more. Remember that I love you and that I will be with you in your heart," he reached out to feel it bumping wildly against his hand, "forever. Reach out to me, and I will be there, just remember that, love, and you will be fine," he tried his best to convince her.
"No." She exclaimed in panic, sensing that this was his way of saying goodbye to her. "Don't leave me, don't leave me again," she sobbed as the tears began to fall freely.
"I will never leave you, Kathryn," he breathed. As she felt the faint whisper of his lips on hers, she felt the darkness approaching. The darkness that was pulling her back into the abyss that was reality.
@ -;--
Kathryn willed herself to open her eyes and face reality. She was alive. She had to carry on. No matter how hard it was, she had to be brave. It took all her strength to straighten her back and sit upright in his bed. She lifted her trembling hand to wipe her tears away. They were still running freely down her cheeks, dampening her trousers. She felt so lonely, so very lonely. He seemed to be so far away. Almost unbearably far away. Kathryn shook her head.
What had he said to her? *Reach out to me and I will be there, just remember that, love, and you will be fine.* It had sounded comforting when he said it, but it just wasn't that easy. It couldn't be that easy.
But temptation got the better of her, as she reached out with her mind and this time nothing but his pure love came back to her. Smiling to herself, she knew he would always be there. It was time for her to try to do exactly what he had said. Chakotay had told her more than once that his father had become a very cryptic man after his death and she found that Chakotay seemed to go down the same path.
She sighed, willing herself to get up to roam his closet. Her clothes clearly weren't in a state to be worn in public. The trousers were wet with her tears clinging to her legs where they weren't non-existant due to the attack. Her uniform top and turtleneck were dirty and in parts very much see-through material. All due to the attack that killed him. Anything else would have been better. Choosing a pair of plain black boxers and a t-shirt she felt ready to face life. Almost ready. As ready as she'd ever be in the next year or so. Still barefoot she found a pair of his socks and slipped them over. Eyeing herself in the mirror she couldn't quite believe it was herself staring back at her. She looked just as she felt: horrible.
*If I can deal with this, the crew can as well,* she thought, setting her jaw. As she reached the doors that would lead her into Voyager's vast corridors, she turned around, promising herself she would be back that night and every night to come.
But still, she found that she couldn't walk past the threshold. Something deep inside her held her back. Was there actually some of the Captain left in her? She found that no matter how hard she willed herself to move, she couldn't. Not in this attire. She sighed in resignation. Why couldn't she for once be a mourning widow to a man she had never married? The captain in her didn't allow this. Stepping backwards, she let the doors slide shut behind her again.
"Computer, one uniform specifications for Janeway, Captain," she muttered under her breath, discarding the clothes she had worn on her way to the replicator. She picked up her new uniform and got dressed in a matter of minutes. Not long afterwards, after a quick glance in the mirror, she felt ready to face the world. Really ready this time. She actually was able to leave his quarters, looking slightly out of place and comic with her Starfleet uniform and dishevelled hair sticking out to all sides of her face.
She was eyed warily as she made her way to the bridge. Why did every crewmember look at her as if she was completely out of her mind? Had they never seen their commanding officer clad in a Starfleet uniform? She had to admit that they had, but never walking around in obviously too big wool socks. She knew she'd forgotten something. Maybe she really had lost her mind, but at this point this was the only way to continue living.
She strode onto the bridge, her eyes asking Tuvok for a report. But even before that she had to face Tom Paris who had turned around as soon as the lift doors opened, letting his eyes travel from her sock clad feet upwards, passing her standard uniform trousers and top, until he reached her face, his eyes showing concern and worry. She knew he couldn't and wouldn't say aloud what he wanted to ask, so she nodded her head, assuring him she was better.
In a way, she was, after all. That nod also told him that she had indeed found the one she had searched for in her vision quest. Her eyes lingered on Tom a while longer before she turned to Tuvok. Under his raised eyebrow his eyes almost showed concern, though Kathryn doubted it. He was Vulcan, after all. At her nod he began his report.
"After the attack three days ago," he seemed to hesitate, eyeing her response carefully, "we were attacked several times, and thus Voyager was severely damaged. We can't hold on for a much longer if these attacks continue. We might be able to withstand two, maybe three more attacks of the same force as the first ones were. Lieutenant Torres and her stuff do their best to repair all the damage. We barely have shields, no warp, only one phaser bank is working. The lower decks are all contaminated and sealed off."
"How many?" Kathryn managed to breathe.
"We have lost 60 crewmembers so far." Tuvok stated.
Janeway clenched her fists, holding onto Tuvok's console for dear life as she willed away the wave of dizziness and nausea that threatened to overcome her.
Tom was by her side immediately, steadying her carefully so that the other crewmembers wouldn't realize just how close she was to fainting. Kathryn swallowed.
Tom closed his eyes briefly, and then asked, "Captain, can I speak to you in the ready room for a second?"
He was about to guide her to the doors as Tuvok's hand snaked out to keep them from entering. Where had he come from?
"The last hit destroyed the ready room, it had to be sealed off."
Tom looked at the Vulcan, surprise in his eyes. "The observation lounge?" He asked, eyeing Tuvok warily.
"Yes, that room is still accessible." Tuvok agreed as Tom guided his Captain into the other room.
@ -;--
"Captain?" he asked, as soon as the doors had slid closed behind them. He walked a little in front of her, then turned to look into her eyes.
"Tom?" Kathryn asked, searching the young man's face for any sign of his motives. She found only genuine concern for her well being. "Thank you for rescuing me out there." The one corner of her mouth seemed to almost twitch into that lopsided grin of hers.
"I wouldn't call it a rescue," Tom answered, as he took in the attire his Captain was in again. The socks seemed to be a few sizes too big for her, her perfect uniform seemed to be oddly out of place and her hair looked very dishevelled.
"His?" he asked.
She nodded, her eyes averting his to look down herself.
"Didn't you find anything that was yours in his closet?" Tom immediately regretted what had slipped out of his mouth; he inwardly kicked himself.
He saw Kathryn wince and could have slapped himself.
"We weren't an item, Tom," Kathryn sighed as she briefly glanced up into his eyes.
For a brief second he could see it all, the grief, the regret and the loneliness.
"I know. Look, I'm sorry, Captain," he started.
"It's okay, Tom. I'm okay," she grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly as if to convince him.
"Do you want to talk about this, Captain? About what happened?"
"I'm not gonna get rid of you otherwise, am I?" she sighed, some of the old sparkle returning to her eyes.
"Not really," Tom admitted. "I want to make sure you're okay, or as close to okay as can be."
She stepped closer towards him, her hand leaving his, after squeezing it reassuringly. "I know, Tom, I know. And I'm glad you care. I need to thank you for ordering me to the spirit quest. I found him. He's waiting for me."
"I am glad. But that's not everything, is it?" Tom tilted his head questioningly.
"You're in for a long story, Lieutenant. I'm not sure you want to hear it."
"I will listen," Tom assured her.
"You know I was very confused this morning?" She began, carefully choosing her words.
"Yes, the doctor told me you didn't remember." Tom hesitated.
"I did remember something, Tom. But it was Voyager's end. The end of every single one of us."
"I don't understand-" Tom began as his face fell. He was scared of what he had just heard, scared that his captain might have lost it altogether, though her behaviour indicated otherwise.
"You don't have to," Kathryn made clear. "I don't understand it myself. I remembered Voyager exploding, I mean, I remember a wave of heat, a fireball coming towards me, and then - nothing. The next thing I remember is waking up aboard Voyager, seemingly intact, with crewmembers alive and kicking. And then the Doctor didn't want to tell me what was wrong."
"That was a mistake he won't repeat." Tom had winced at her vivid description, begging to whatever gods there were that this was never to become reality.
"Maybe," Kathryn said hesitantly.
"Then you found out about him," Tom stated softly, hoping she wouldn't break.
"Yes, I did. But I think I had known all the time. I didn't feel his presence when I woke up. I know it sounds ridiculous, but we always shared a special bond. As if we were somehow attached to one another," Kathryn smiled weakly, her eyes watery.
"It doesn't sound ridiculous. Really, Captain. More than once I've wondered how you did it. The Commander came into a room and you greeted him without ever looking up. Same for him when you came into a room, though he liked to look anyway."
"That he did," Kathryn smiled dwelling in memories. "And then Tuvok stated we weren't likely to survive another two attacks." Her face sobered.
"You mean you dreamed the future?" Tom wondered.
"Maybe, Tom, maybe," she whispered as her mind repeated over and over again: *Don't let it come true. Prevent it happening.*
"Captain, I'd like to take you to sickbay. Have the doctor check you." Tom moved towards the exit that led into a corridor rather than the bridge trying to pull her along.
Kathryn stood stiffly, not allowing him to do so. "No, Tom. I'm fine, really. Chakotay made it clear that I had to move on in order to save him, the ship and every single crewmember."
"I don't understand." Tom began.
"Neither do I, but I want to find out. I will go back to Chakotay's quarters and get up to date with the logs."
She tried to brush past him to flee the room, but he blocked her way. "I'll accompany you." He said, his body language telling Kathryn that there was no way she could shove him away.
"Tom, that really isn't necessary." She tried, not wanting to give in.
Tom wouldn't give ground. "It is, Captain. I'll just see you to the doors of his quarters, okay?"
Kathryn sighed, "Okay." There was no sense in arguing with a stubborn Paris.
@ -;--
Kathryn sat on his bed, reading one of the many PADDs that were scattered all around her. She just had to make sure she got up to date with all that had happened. Maybe if she found out more about the aliens that attacked them, she would find a solution to the mess that lay before her.
She was clad into Chakotay's boxers and t-shirt again, needed the connection to him. Everything smelled like him. It was as if he were still a part of her life. It was almost as if he were still alive. It felt good. It felt almost real.
Voyager rocked violently under her, causing a piece of debris to fall on the bed, almost knocking her out. It missed her only by centimeters.
She wanted nothing more then to be on the bridge fighting for her people, but Tuvok, Tom and the doctor had made it more than clear that she was to stay put in Chakotay's quarters. If anyone saw her making one step into the direction of the bridge she would be toast, in a way. She would of course have thrown all caution to the winds and stormed to the bridge, had it not been for the fact that Tuvok and the doctor had conspired against her a few days ago.
She had been relieved of duty moments after Chakotay's death or so it seemed.
The guards that had been positioned in front of the door, only waiting for her to come out, didn't help either. For the moment she was stuck where she was. It was for her own good, the doctor had assured her. Of course, he had wanted her to come to sickbay so that he would have her under control, but she wouldn't have any of it. She would stay in Chakotay's quarters and get some work done.
The ship shook again as the red alert klaxons in his quarters suddenly stopped flashing and darkness washed over the room. For a moment even the stars seemed to have stopped twinkling.
A sudden wave of panic washed over her, as she didn't hear Voyager's constant hum anymore. *Was this the end?* She thought. *Wasn't Voyager to end later than this? Was it all some kind of bad planning?*
As the world around her seemed to explode into a thousand shiny stars, all she could think of was too early, before blackness engulfed her and she felt herself drawn away to the man she loved.
By KateF - kathrynf@gmx.net
October 2001
Disclaimer: Paramount still owns Star Trek: Voyager, though I don't exactly like what they did with it.
Author's Note: This story is dedicated to Caffey. Thanks for being a friend I can confide in, thanks for being a faithful JCer. Thanks for actually writing something to the end. Or attempting to, anyway. 8)
Acknowledgements: Thank you to Caffey, Sylvia, Jade and Ala for their input. *hugz* Thank you sooooo much for actually betaing the whole thing, Bex! *HUGZ TIGHTLY*
@ -;-- 3 --;- @
Kathryn sat bolt upright in what should have been her bed, but seemed to be much too hard and uncomfortable for it. She opened her eyes in confusion, shielding them immediately against the bright illumination. Sickbay. Why was she in sickbay? Shouldn't she be dead? Kathryn wondered, as the doctor came into view.
"Good morning, Captain," he smiled reassuringly.
"Doctor. What am I doing here? I shouldn't be here, you shouldn't be here, Voyager shouldn't be here," she looked around, waving her hands as if to make a point.
"Captain, I am afraid I don't understand a word you're saying. You're confused, you're still in a state of shock, and frankly, you seem to be delusional."
Kathryn rubbed her temples, wondering if anything the doctor said made sense. Why should she be in shock? Voyager being blown up did seem to be a good reason for shock, but why should she, and even more confusingly, the whole ship, have survived an explosion? She had felt the heat coming towards her and then her life had ended, simple as that. She couldn't remember anything else from the week prior to that. What had happened?
"Shock?" She asked, shaking her head in order to get a clear mind.
"You don't remember?"
"What the heck should I remember, why am I in sickbay and where the heck is Chakotay when I need him? He's usually here when I wake up. So, where is he?"
"You really don't remember. You must be suffering from some kind of amnesia, Captain. Wait here, I need to check you over, see what caused it." He was out of the room before she could glare him into shutting down.
"Doctor, I want to know. NOW," she ordered, but got no reply whatsoever. "What are you hiding from me? Why can't you answer a simple question, damnit!"
Jumping onto her feet, she regretted that move almost immediately as a wave of nausea nearly made her faint. Grinding her teeth, she willed her dizziness away, straightening her sickbay gown to look halfway decent.
Feeling rather than seeing, she checked her hair and decided she looked well enough to make a run for the door and expose herself to the crew. *What the heck*, she thought as she momentarily hesitated to cross the threshold that led into the corridor, *It's not like they should be alive, or I for that matter. The ship shouldn't be here either, come to think of it. They will just have to deal with a barely dressed Captain. Barely dressed and severely pissed.*
She braced herself and went out into the world that shouldn't be anymore. The crewmembers she passed eyed her warily as if they were afraid she was about to do something stupid. Was she? And why would she? She had let Voyager blow up - that certainly counted as stupid, didn't it?
She stopped dead in her tracks in front of Chakotay's quarters. Ringing the chime, once, twice, she got no response. *Damn that man,* she thought, her temper flaring. *Where is he?*
Without a second thought she keyed in the override and stormed into his quarters.
"Chakotay? Chakotay, where are you?"
She went from room to room, inspecting everything. Finding many items that told of the time they spent together, she couldn't pinpoint the exact moment she had last been in his private room. Her fingers brushed along the frame of a picture of the two of them taken a long time ago. She paused for a moment, taking the scene in. They looked truly happy, their love-filled eyes shining brightly into the camera. Her eyes showed what she wanted to, needed to tell him more than anything else.
She wandered into his bedroom, hoping that he'd just fallen asleep exhausted from a long day. She had never seen this room before and thus felt like an intruder as she wandered in. The bed was empty - not a sign of him. The covers lay rumpled as if he had left in a hurry that morning. He had probably overslept, she thought smiling.
Her eyes focused on something on the nightstand. Another picture. Only this one told her all she needed to know. It showed her. Blushing, she realized it showed her relaxing on New Earth. He must have taken it unnoticed, for she seemed truly oblivious of the world around her. She was leaning against a tree, her feet dangling into the river not far away from their cabin. Her shoes and socks were lying next to her and she seemed to be idly playing with one of the laces. Her other hand was resting on her stomach. Her dress revealed more of her legs than she would have liked. But most of all, she marvelled at the look on her face. It showed pure bliss, contentment, and happiness.
Her eyes were closed as she stretched her face into the sun, a smile gracing her lips. She had never seen herself that happy.
Ever since New Earth, or even before, they had shared a link, able to sense when the other was fine, or when that wasn't the case. How could she ever forget the day she had made the decision to love him freely, to give in to his advances, and become his woman warrior forever. Shortly afterwards she had forced herself to get up and get some work done. She used to hate gardening with a passion, but watching those Talaxian tomatoes grow, knowing the man she loved was waiting for her inside their little cabin had certainly changed her mind. Soon enough he emerged from their shelter and joined her on the lawn, telling her there was something inside he needed her opinion of.
She sighed. The day she had sworn to tell him she loved him had much too soon become the day she swore to herself she couldn't love him aboard their ship. It was the day she locked her heart and threw away the key. The key she intended to retrieve.
Kathryn wondered why she hadn't felt his presence as he took this photo. She always felt his presence. Ever since New Earth, or even before, they had known the other was fine. And they had also felt when that wasn't the case. They shared a bond that was special to the two of them. It was almost holy.
She blushed again as she remembered that she actually had felt his eyes on her. She remembered that her dress had innocently slipped up, bit for bit, exposing more and more leg to him. She had played with him, pretending he wasn't there. The movement of her dress was, of course, completely innocent and just a side effect of the wind that was also playing with her hair.
She had tried to convince herself of that, back then.
She shook her head at her behaviour. Chakotay had the definite gift to bring out the teen in her.
@ -;--
Sitting down at the edge of his bed she wondered again where he was. Her mind reached out to touch his as it had done so many times in the past, only this time it didn't get any response. An away mission? Kathryn was suddenly very scared. She didn't feel him. Not even the faintest touch of his mind. If he was on some away mission, why didn't she get just a little hint of his presence? Why had the doctor refused to answer her question?
She knew there was only one way to find out. Did she really want to know? She pulled his cushion to her, hugging it tightly, before bracing herself for what the computer might tell her.
Taking a deep breath, she finally asked. "Computer, where is Commander Chakotay?"
"Commander Chakotay is not a member of this crew, please restate your question."
Kathryn gulped.
"What was the last known status of Chakotay, First Officer?" She asked in a trembling voice.
"Searching."
Kathryn closed her eyes, her knuckles turning white with the sheer determination with which she clung to the pillow.
"Last entry to his medical file was made 3 days ago."
She had to gather all her strength to whisper the next three words. "Play the entry."
The doctor's voice could be heard. And as she started to sob she got the clarification for what she'd feared ever since she woke up without seeing him. What she'd most feared in her entire life.
"Time of death 10:30."
When Kathryn felt able to stop shaking long enough to move her limbs, she let her numb form fall backwards, seeking comfort in her surroundings. It all smelled like him, the t-shirt he had thrown carelessly onto the bed. The sheet that tangled between her legs, the pillow she still clung to for dear life. Everything.
Suddenly, she heard the doors to his quarters slide open. Had it all been some kind of sick joke? She reached out to the intruder with her mind. Nothing. She buried herself deeper into his bed, willing them to go away. By now she could make out a few definite voices. The doc and Tom Paris. Had they come to get her? What were they planning? She would in no way let them take her away from him. She would stay here forever, until she herself died of grief. Or anything else that would come in handy.
"Captain?" Tom began as he found her. Then he thought better of it. "Kathryn?"
Kathryn found herself unable to respond to anything he said or did. She felt his arm on her shoulder, trying to rouse her, trying to get any sign of life from her.
Kathryn squeezed her eyes shut, willing them to just leave her alone.
By now the doctor had joined Tom Paris. She could hear the faint beeping of two medical tricorders taking readings.
"She is in a state of extreme shock," the doctor stated, a hint of worry in his voice.
"Why didn't she remember?" Tom asked, his voice shaking.
"I don't know, Lieutenant. There have been cases of patients reacting with amensia to traumatic incidents. Without doubt the Captain suffered an enormous loss."
Kathryn wanted to scream at them, she wanted them to leave her alone, but her muscles wouldn't obey, as they continued their conversation. Why were they behaving as if she wasn't there?
Contrary to what they believed, she could hear every single word, every medical explanation for the things she was going through right now. They even dared to assume what was going on in her head.
She clenched her teeth and willed the numbness away for a second. Enough for her to turn around, enough to get a glimpse of the pity that was written all over their faces.
"Stop that, both of you," she hissed. "You have no idea what I am going through, nor have you got any right to make assumptions. Go away and leave me alone. And doctor, I will never forgive you for not telling me the truth. Now, out!"
The doctor tried to reason with her, "I am afraid that won't be possible, Captain. You need to focus again, you need to be there for your crew."
"No," she muttered, "I won't. I can't. Leave me alone."
She noticed Tom Paris slipping through the bedroom doors coming closer to the bed. Why hadn't she seen him leaving? Why hadn't he realised he was no longer wanted in the room? His arm stretched towards her, telling her that Chakotay wouldn't have wanted her being like this. Chakotay's people believed that the soul lived on. He told her to try contacting him. Only now did she realize that in his outstretched hand lay a bundle of leather. Chakotay's medicine bundle.
She commanded her arm to raise the few centimeters so that she would be able to take the precious item from him. Clutching it to her breast, she managed to give Tom a hint of a smile. A smile that never reached her eyes. Those were hollow, deep pools of emptiness.
Tom averted his eyes and looked at the doctor. "Let's leave her alone for a while, doc. She has to come to terms with the loss."
"But... Why don't we just sedate her-" the doc began, earning a glare from Tom Paris.
"What exactly would that solve? It didn't work yesterday, so why would it work today?"
"It might just result in further amnesia. Do you want to go through this again?" He hissed as he pushed the EMH out of Chakotay's quarters.
@ -;--
She didn't know how much time had passed since they had left. She still lay there, unmoving, clutching the bundle in her arms. What if she went into the spirit world but wouldn't be able to find him? What if he wasn't waiting for her after all? Fear shot through her veins, almost panic. Could she take the risk and see it through? Could she dare to risk having the last of her hopes destroyed?
All those thoughts, fear, ran through her mind as she tried to reach a decision. It took a long time, she didn't know how long. But she also didn't care. Time didn't matter anymore, for she didn't have a reason to care for anything anymore. She was afraid that this spirit quest would be the biggest mistake of her life. Maybe not the biggest for that had been not letting Chakotay know what she felt and not letting him be the part of her life he should have been. For a minute or two Kathryn knew she wouldn't risk it. She wouldn't try to find him in the afterlife. For if she didn't, she could just die and join him in death without having to wonder if he would be there, waiting for her. If she went on the spirit quest now and didn't find him, there would not only be no point in living, there would also be no point in dying.
Kathryn had actually managed to give herself a headache with her musings. This painfully reminded her that she was still alive and that she still had to reach a decision.
Her curiosity, her need to see him, finally won. She placed the akoonah in front of her after willing herself into a sitting position. Spreading the other items of his medicine bundle in front of her, her shaking hand reached out to touch the akoonah. Focusing on the little bracelet in her hand she recognized as hers, she repeated the words of his ancestors, his words, until darkness washed over her.
@ -;--
Kathryn opened her eyes as she felt water playing across her ankles and toes. She found herself sitting near the river, her back rested against the trunk. The scenario she found herself in seemed familiar, it was familiar. She smiled as she realized that this could be an indication that he was indeed waiting for her in the afterlife. Still, she doubted it, ever the scientist. She did not dare to look into the direction she knew he must have been hiding the day he took the photo. Instead her head was turned into the sun, her mind reaching out to find his, to touch him, to make sure he was indeed there.
Suddenly, she felt his love embracing her like a warm shield. He was there, he was really there. And he was near, watching her. Opening her eyes she noticed him hiding behind a tree on the other side of the small stream.
"Chakotay," she breathed, willing him to show himself to her.
He must have felt her need, for he slowly came out of his hiding spot, smiling at her. It was the smile he reserved only for her.
Kathryn burst into tears the moment she spotted him. He was there, he really was there. Just like he had promised. He would always be waiting for her.
Her eyes were closed tightly as she felt a hand on her shoulder, drawing her into a tight embrace. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he whispered into her hair, kissing it gently. His arms stroked her back in an attempt to soothe her a little.
"I'm so sorry," he repeated over and over again.
After what seemed forever in his arms she felt him raising her chin. Her crying had subsided to an occasional hiccup that would shake her whole body. He glanced deep into her eyes and saw the emptiness and hopelessness that radiated from them.
"Kathryn, I-" he began, only to be stopped by her lips crushing down onto his. Her hands travelled up his shirt to cup his face, to trace his tattoo, to make sure he really was there.
He was the one to break the kiss what seemed an eternity later. His hand left her back long enough to brush the thumb across her lips, to brush the fingers over her cheeks, wiping the tears away that seemed to be replaced as soon as he had done so. Giving up on that, it returned to her back, hugging her tightly to him, never wanting to let go ever again.
"I love you, Chakotay." Her whispered voice was muffled by his chest, "I love you."
"I know," he answered. "And you know I love you."
"I don't want to live on, Chakotay. I can't. Not without you," she began, another sob cursing through her body.
"You can. You have to. You have to save your crew and ship from destruction and maybe, just maybe, you'll find the time to rescue me while you're at it."
"You? How? I mean," she tried to phrase a question, but only could repeat, "How?"
"You will see, Kathryn Janeway. I can't tell you anything more. Remember that I love you and that I will be with you in your heart," he reached out to feel it bumping wildly against his hand, "forever. Reach out to me, and I will be there, just remember that, love, and you will be fine," he tried his best to convince her.
"No." She exclaimed in panic, sensing that this was his way of saying goodbye to her. "Don't leave me, don't leave me again," she sobbed as the tears began to fall freely.
"I will never leave you, Kathryn," he breathed. As she felt the faint whisper of his lips on hers, she felt the darkness approaching. The darkness that was pulling her back into the abyss that was reality.
@ -;--
Kathryn willed herself to open her eyes and face reality. She was alive. She had to carry on. No matter how hard it was, she had to be brave. It took all her strength to straighten her back and sit upright in his bed. She lifted her trembling hand to wipe her tears away. They were still running freely down her cheeks, dampening her trousers. She felt so lonely, so very lonely. He seemed to be so far away. Almost unbearably far away. Kathryn shook her head.
What had he said to her? *Reach out to me and I will be there, just remember that, love, and you will be fine.* It had sounded comforting when he said it, but it just wasn't that easy. It couldn't be that easy.
But temptation got the better of her, as she reached out with her mind and this time nothing but his pure love came back to her. Smiling to herself, she knew he would always be there. It was time for her to try to do exactly what he had said. Chakotay had told her more than once that his father had become a very cryptic man after his death and she found that Chakotay seemed to go down the same path.
She sighed, willing herself to get up to roam his closet. Her clothes clearly weren't in a state to be worn in public. The trousers were wet with her tears clinging to her legs where they weren't non-existant due to the attack. Her uniform top and turtleneck were dirty and in parts very much see-through material. All due to the attack that killed him. Anything else would have been better. Choosing a pair of plain black boxers and a t-shirt she felt ready to face life. Almost ready. As ready as she'd ever be in the next year or so. Still barefoot she found a pair of his socks and slipped them over. Eyeing herself in the mirror she couldn't quite believe it was herself staring back at her. She looked just as she felt: horrible.
*If I can deal with this, the crew can as well,* she thought, setting her jaw. As she reached the doors that would lead her into Voyager's vast corridors, she turned around, promising herself she would be back that night and every night to come.
But still, she found that she couldn't walk past the threshold. Something deep inside her held her back. Was there actually some of the Captain left in her? She found that no matter how hard she willed herself to move, she couldn't. Not in this attire. She sighed in resignation. Why couldn't she for once be a mourning widow to a man she had never married? The captain in her didn't allow this. Stepping backwards, she let the doors slide shut behind her again.
"Computer, one uniform specifications for Janeway, Captain," she muttered under her breath, discarding the clothes she had worn on her way to the replicator. She picked up her new uniform and got dressed in a matter of minutes. Not long afterwards, after a quick glance in the mirror, she felt ready to face the world. Really ready this time. She actually was able to leave his quarters, looking slightly out of place and comic with her Starfleet uniform and dishevelled hair sticking out to all sides of her face.
She was eyed warily as she made her way to the bridge. Why did every crewmember look at her as if she was completely out of her mind? Had they never seen their commanding officer clad in a Starfleet uniform? She had to admit that they had, but never walking around in obviously too big wool socks. She knew she'd forgotten something. Maybe she really had lost her mind, but at this point this was the only way to continue living.
She strode onto the bridge, her eyes asking Tuvok for a report. But even before that she had to face Tom Paris who had turned around as soon as the lift doors opened, letting his eyes travel from her sock clad feet upwards, passing her standard uniform trousers and top, until he reached her face, his eyes showing concern and worry. She knew he couldn't and wouldn't say aloud what he wanted to ask, so she nodded her head, assuring him she was better.
In a way, she was, after all. That nod also told him that she had indeed found the one she had searched for in her vision quest. Her eyes lingered on Tom a while longer before she turned to Tuvok. Under his raised eyebrow his eyes almost showed concern, though Kathryn doubted it. He was Vulcan, after all. At her nod he began his report.
"After the attack three days ago," he seemed to hesitate, eyeing her response carefully, "we were attacked several times, and thus Voyager was severely damaged. We can't hold on for a much longer if these attacks continue. We might be able to withstand two, maybe three more attacks of the same force as the first ones were. Lieutenant Torres and her stuff do their best to repair all the damage. We barely have shields, no warp, only one phaser bank is working. The lower decks are all contaminated and sealed off."
"How many?" Kathryn managed to breathe.
"We have lost 60 crewmembers so far." Tuvok stated.
Janeway clenched her fists, holding onto Tuvok's console for dear life as she willed away the wave of dizziness and nausea that threatened to overcome her.
Tom was by her side immediately, steadying her carefully so that the other crewmembers wouldn't realize just how close she was to fainting. Kathryn swallowed.
Tom closed his eyes briefly, and then asked, "Captain, can I speak to you in the ready room for a second?"
He was about to guide her to the doors as Tuvok's hand snaked out to keep them from entering. Where had he come from?
"The last hit destroyed the ready room, it had to be sealed off."
Tom looked at the Vulcan, surprise in his eyes. "The observation lounge?" He asked, eyeing Tuvok warily.
"Yes, that room is still accessible." Tuvok agreed as Tom guided his Captain into the other room.
@ -;--
"Captain?" he asked, as soon as the doors had slid closed behind them. He walked a little in front of her, then turned to look into her eyes.
"Tom?" Kathryn asked, searching the young man's face for any sign of his motives. She found only genuine concern for her well being. "Thank you for rescuing me out there." The one corner of her mouth seemed to almost twitch into that lopsided grin of hers.
"I wouldn't call it a rescue," Tom answered, as he took in the attire his Captain was in again. The socks seemed to be a few sizes too big for her, her perfect uniform seemed to be oddly out of place and her hair looked very dishevelled.
"His?" he asked.
She nodded, her eyes averting his to look down herself.
"Didn't you find anything that was yours in his closet?" Tom immediately regretted what had slipped out of his mouth; he inwardly kicked himself.
He saw Kathryn wince and could have slapped himself.
"We weren't an item, Tom," Kathryn sighed as she briefly glanced up into his eyes.
For a brief second he could see it all, the grief, the regret and the loneliness.
"I know. Look, I'm sorry, Captain," he started.
"It's okay, Tom. I'm okay," she grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly as if to convince him.
"Do you want to talk about this, Captain? About what happened?"
"I'm not gonna get rid of you otherwise, am I?" she sighed, some of the old sparkle returning to her eyes.
"Not really," Tom admitted. "I want to make sure you're okay, or as close to okay as can be."
She stepped closer towards him, her hand leaving his, after squeezing it reassuringly. "I know, Tom, I know. And I'm glad you care. I need to thank you for ordering me to the spirit quest. I found him. He's waiting for me."
"I am glad. But that's not everything, is it?" Tom tilted his head questioningly.
"You're in for a long story, Lieutenant. I'm not sure you want to hear it."
"I will listen," Tom assured her.
"You know I was very confused this morning?" She began, carefully choosing her words.
"Yes, the doctor told me you didn't remember." Tom hesitated.
"I did remember something, Tom. But it was Voyager's end. The end of every single one of us."
"I don't understand-" Tom began as his face fell. He was scared of what he had just heard, scared that his captain might have lost it altogether, though her behaviour indicated otherwise.
"You don't have to," Kathryn made clear. "I don't understand it myself. I remembered Voyager exploding, I mean, I remember a wave of heat, a fireball coming towards me, and then - nothing. The next thing I remember is waking up aboard Voyager, seemingly intact, with crewmembers alive and kicking. And then the Doctor didn't want to tell me what was wrong."
"That was a mistake he won't repeat." Tom had winced at her vivid description, begging to whatever gods there were that this was never to become reality.
"Maybe," Kathryn said hesitantly.
"Then you found out about him," Tom stated softly, hoping she wouldn't break.
"Yes, I did. But I think I had known all the time. I didn't feel his presence when I woke up. I know it sounds ridiculous, but we always shared a special bond. As if we were somehow attached to one another," Kathryn smiled weakly, her eyes watery.
"It doesn't sound ridiculous. Really, Captain. More than once I've wondered how you did it. The Commander came into a room and you greeted him without ever looking up. Same for him when you came into a room, though he liked to look anyway."
"That he did," Kathryn smiled dwelling in memories. "And then Tuvok stated we weren't likely to survive another two attacks." Her face sobered.
"You mean you dreamed the future?" Tom wondered.
"Maybe, Tom, maybe," she whispered as her mind repeated over and over again: *Don't let it come true. Prevent it happening.*
"Captain, I'd like to take you to sickbay. Have the doctor check you." Tom moved towards the exit that led into a corridor rather than the bridge trying to pull her along.
Kathryn stood stiffly, not allowing him to do so. "No, Tom. I'm fine, really. Chakotay made it clear that I had to move on in order to save him, the ship and every single crewmember."
"I don't understand." Tom began.
"Neither do I, but I want to find out. I will go back to Chakotay's quarters and get up to date with the logs."
She tried to brush past him to flee the room, but he blocked her way. "I'll accompany you." He said, his body language telling Kathryn that there was no way she could shove him away.
"Tom, that really isn't necessary." She tried, not wanting to give in.
Tom wouldn't give ground. "It is, Captain. I'll just see you to the doors of his quarters, okay?"
Kathryn sighed, "Okay." There was no sense in arguing with a stubborn Paris.
@ -;--
Kathryn sat on his bed, reading one of the many PADDs that were scattered all around her. She just had to make sure she got up to date with all that had happened. Maybe if she found out more about the aliens that attacked them, she would find a solution to the mess that lay before her.
She was clad into Chakotay's boxers and t-shirt again, needed the connection to him. Everything smelled like him. It was as if he were still a part of her life. It was almost as if he were still alive. It felt good. It felt almost real.
Voyager rocked violently under her, causing a piece of debris to fall on the bed, almost knocking her out. It missed her only by centimeters.
She wanted nothing more then to be on the bridge fighting for her people, but Tuvok, Tom and the doctor had made it more than clear that she was to stay put in Chakotay's quarters. If anyone saw her making one step into the direction of the bridge she would be toast, in a way. She would of course have thrown all caution to the winds and stormed to the bridge, had it not been for the fact that Tuvok and the doctor had conspired against her a few days ago.
She had been relieved of duty moments after Chakotay's death or so it seemed.
The guards that had been positioned in front of the door, only waiting for her to come out, didn't help either. For the moment she was stuck where she was. It was for her own good, the doctor had assured her. Of course, he had wanted her to come to sickbay so that he would have her under control, but she wouldn't have any of it. She would stay in Chakotay's quarters and get some work done.
The ship shook again as the red alert klaxons in his quarters suddenly stopped flashing and darkness washed over the room. For a moment even the stars seemed to have stopped twinkling.
A sudden wave of panic washed over her, as she didn't hear Voyager's constant hum anymore. *Was this the end?* She thought. *Wasn't Voyager to end later than this? Was it all some kind of bad planning?*
As the world around her seemed to explode into a thousand shiny stars, all she could think of was too early, before blackness engulfed her and she felt herself drawn away to the man she loved.