Redux
By KateF - kathrynf@gmx.net
October 2001
Disclaimer: Paramount still owns Star Trek: Voyager, though I don't exactly like what they did with it.
Author's Note: This story is dedicated to Caffey. Thanks for being a friend I can confide in, thanks for being a faithful JCer. Thanks for actually writing something to the end. Or attempting to, anyway. 8)
Acknowledgements: Thank you to Caffey, Sylvia, Jade and Ala for their input. *hugz* Thank you sooooo much for actually betaing the whole thing, Bex! *HUGZ TIGHTLY*
@ -;-- 2 --;- @
Kathryn woke up to Voyager's steady hum and someone working nearby. Where was she? She only remembered Voyager blowing up at least once, Chakotay's quarters definitely blowing up twice, once with Voyager as a whole, once possibly only with a part of the ship. She knew one thing for sure; she should be as dead as he was. She didn't know why she wasn't. It didn't make sense.
"Captain, are you awake?" The doctor's voice disturbed her thoughts.
"If I said no would you leave me alone?" She asked with a hint of humour in her voice.
"No." He stated matter-of-factly.
"Thought so," she sighed. "Could you dim the lights? I don't want to open my eyes only to be blinded again." she asked him, remembering the last time she woke up in sickbay. It seemed to have been yesterday.
"Yes, Captain," he agreed and ordered the computer to do so.
"You can open them now," he said.
Kathryn did at the doctor's prompting and found herself in sickbay. She had seen that coming, of course, though she didn't really know why.
"Why am I in sickbay, doctor?" She asked him nervously, asking the question that dominated her thoughts.
"You are here after a nervous breakdown, Captain. I had to sedate you to keep you from hurting yourself and others."
"Others being the aliens that killed him?" Kathryn found it extremely hard to get those words out.
"Others being those and everyone else who tried to keep you from doing any harm to yourself."
"Ouch," Kathryn stated, rubbing the base of her nose. "I understand. Actually, I don't. I remember myself being all right yesterday." Kathryn began, as she decided it might be best not to add that at the end of her day she had died.
"Ever since Commander Chakotay's death 2 days ago you were in a state of deep shock, thus relieved of duty."
"Two days ago?" Kathryn asked astonished, reality and the truth dawning on her.
"That's what I said, yes," the doctor assured her.
"I need to talk to Tom Paris, immediately," Kathryn jumped off the biobed, regretting it as she had the day before, or was that the day prior? She wasn't sure anymore. She washed away the dizziness as she made her way to the sickbay doors. Unfortunately the doctor didn't quite agree with her plans, which she painfully had to experience. She bumped into his form.
"Doctor, you could have just said stop," Kathryn regarded him furiously.
"And then what? You would have stopped. Oh, please," the doctor shook his head. "I prefer the fail proof way: projecting myself into your path."
"Thanks, it's the way that hurts. A lot!" Kathryn growled. "Now, why did you want me to stop?"
"Don't you think you should get dressed first?" The doctor suggested gesturing at the revealing sickbay gown she wore.
"Thanks doc," Kathryn grinned. "Almost forgot about that one. Where are my clothes?" she asked.
"I will get them for you. You. Wait."
"Aye sir," Kathryn stood to attention.
"I am glad you feel better, Captain."
"We'll see, maybe I really am." She muttered to herself as the doctor hurried into the other room to get her clothes. As it turned out her slightly burnt uniform was waiting for her. Kathryn took a deep breath. She could only imagine when it had been burnt and she didn't really want to think about it.
@ -;--
Kathryn stood in front of the Paris's rooms, somewhat afraid to ring the chime. The computer had confirmed that he was, indeed, in his quarters. But she still felt reluctant to make her presence known. As her finger snaked out to the chime, only to be retreated once again, she shook her head violently. What had happened to her? Since when had she been a chicken when it came to facing the inevitable? She decided that if she could face the Borg and defeat them more than once, she could also live through what was to come. Though, she had to admit, Chakotay had always been by her side to strengthen her.
Always, till now. She tried another approach. Kathryn had made it to Captain without ever knowing who that Chakotay person was. She had lived through academy, through losing her father and her fiancé, she would deal with this loss. She would carry on.
She knew that she was pathetic. There was no way to compare Justin's death with Chakotay's. Both had broken her heart, but looking back she wasn't sure a marriage with Justin would have lasted long if Chakotay had come into the picture as he had. She forced herself to focus and willed her arm to move.
As her finger snaked out this time, she pushed the button and heard the doorchime announce her. She was asked in almost immediately.
As she passed the threshold, Tom looked up from his place in front of his ancient TV set. B'Elanna lay on the couch beside him, her head nestled into Tom's lap, a blanket covering her. Kathryn felt like an intruder as she saw B'Elanna lying there. Her chief engineer's tear-stained face was lit by the light emanating from the TV set. She wanted to turn around that instance and flee the room. She felt bad about disturbing them. But Tom kept her from running away.
"Captain, what can I do for you?" He asked, rousing B'Elanna from sleep with his words.
"Captain?" she asked shakigly.
"Shh, love," he answered. "Sleep. I'll be back." With that he lifted her head enough to slip out from under her. He brushed a kiss across her ridges before he faced his captain.
"How can I help you?" He repeated, concern evident in his features.
"Could we talk? I need to talk to you." Kathryn asked, seeming absent, distant, as if she was deep in thought.
"Yes, Captain. Could we maybe do this in your quarters?" Tom asked gesturing towards his wife who had fallen asleep again.
"Sure," Janeway agreed, as she took in the form of her Chief Engineer. "It hit her hard," she added, sorrow evident in her unsteady voice.
"He was like a brother to her. He was her brother in almost every sense of the word, just not biologically," Tom tried to explain.
"I know, Tom. But what I've got to say might be a glimmer of hope for you and her. For all of us," Kathryn tried to explain.
"Okay, let's go," he smiled, wondering what had happened to have his Captain recover to some degree. She seemed to be a lot better compared to the state she had been in not long ago. Had it not been for the haunted look in her eyes he would have said she was back to normal. He was anticipating what she wanted to inform him of.
@ -;--
Kathryn led him into her quarters wincing at the chaos that seemed to reign there. She now remembered that there had been something she had been planning to do the beginning of the week before the disaster struck. She had obviously wanted to clean her rooms. As they were now, they spoke of a definite caffeine addiction and a busy life. Cups lay scattered around everywhere. She also noticed that she hadn't had the time to clean up her clothes. It was very hard not to notice for they seemed to be everywhere. Janeway remembered emptying her closet at one point that seemed so long ago now, in order to find a certain dress that had hid in a far corner of her closet. And instead of replacing it all she had let time passed with the result that now, every little piece of clothing she owned lay scattered along her floor.
"Uhm, well," Kathryn seemed to be a little taken back at the scenario, "I didn't remember that it looked that bad. Excuse the mess, but since the ready room is not an option, I thought this was the next best thing." *Not an option, Kathryn thought sarcastically. Quite an understatement, since it was space dust, destroyed in one of the prior attacks.*
"Captain, the ready room is in perfect shape, why is it not an option?" Tom asked carefully, afraid that his Captain had lost her mind.
"Right," Kathryn considered what to say next and decided for the shocking approach. "So be glad we aren't in it right now. It's due to blow up sometime today. It's not a safe place to be, believe me. I was blown into pieces twice the last two days, it's not a pretty feeling, nor something I would advise you to do on a common basis."
"You lost me." Tom stated looking indeed pretty out of it. His brow was furrowed as he tried to understand where she was heading or if what she said made any slightest bit of sense.
"I am not sure I get what I'm implying either," Kathryn assured him. "You have to think I've completely lost it."
"The thought crossed my mind," Tom admitted, as an evil grin spread across his face.
"It's only that you seemed pretty open-minded the last time we talked about it."
"The last time I saw you you tried to kill me, Captain," Tom tried to explain. He remembered his Captain kicking at him, as he tried to restrain her. Then she had tried to lung for his throat while two security men tried to keep her from doing it. That had been the time when the doctor decided a hypospray was a good idea to solve the problem, if only temporarily.
"From your point of view, it was, Tom," Kathryn tried to explain, knowing that the last time for her had not yet happened for Tom.
"Now you really lost me. You're not making any sense," Tom stated dumbfounded.
"Want some coffee?" Kathryn offered, as she made her way to the replicator.
"Didn't you want to tell me what this is all about?" Tom began.
"Coffee first," Kathryn smiled fondly, "coffee makes your mind clear, coffee helps you focus, coffee keeps you awake, coffee keeps you sharp."
"Okay, okay," Tom laughed, "I'll take one. And you're truly an addict."
"I just value the stuff and can't function without it. Okay, so I am. Don't tell-" She grew sober, then gulped.
She closed her eyes briefly, breathed in the coffee she had replicated and handed him one cup. "Anyway, where were we?" She began as she motioned for him to sit on the sofa.
He placed his coffee cup on the table considering it. He realized that there was no space for him in between laundry, coffee cups, PADDs and whatever else seemed to have a permanent residence on her couch, and grinned: "Where on the sofa?"
"Just throw the stuff to the floor, Tom," Kathryn shook her head. "Have you never lived in chaos yourself?"
"Those days are over," Tom sighed. "I am mister perfect now." The twinkle in his eyes told her otherwise.
She chuckled: "Yeah, sure. Ready for a tale, helmboy?"
"As ready as can be," Tom admitted. He finally sat down on the couch. The pile that he had placed to the floor now lay at his feet reaching well above his knees. "Impressive," he added. He knew it had been a lot of stuff, but this was, indeed, impressive.
"Never underestimate a woman's packing skills, when it comes to what men call untidiness. On second thought, most women call it that as well. Even I do, occassionally," Kathryn babbled.
"Okay, okay," Tom's hands motioned for her to calm down. Then he tried bringing her back on topic. As much as he enjoyed the playful banter between him and the Captain, he knew it was just some kind of protective shield for her. Her laughter and her smile never reached her eyes. The sadness was always prominent. She just got better hiding it behind her playful behaviour. "Didn't you want to explain the confusing stuff you mentioned earlier?"
"Right," Kathryn sobered somewhat.
She seemed to focus onto a point somewhere slightly right to his right shoulder. He knew that it was the window, or more precisely the stars streaking by she concentrated on as she tried to find a way to tell him whatever she wanted to share with him. Tom felt slightly uncomfortable as he didn't know what was to come. Nor could he have ever imagined something as confusing as what he was about to hear.
"Let me start at the beginning," Kathryn took a deep breath before she started to babble, "The first thing I remember is Voyager blowing up. A ball of heat rushed towards me and then nothing. Not pretty, I can assure you of that. Well, next thing is, I wake up in sickbay and the doc refuses to tell me what's up. And he won't tell me why I am there either. So I flee the room when he's not there, trying to find Chakotay. Before long, I find myself in his quarters. He is not there. I still think it's some kind of sick joke, but have the guts to ask the computer of his whereabouts, and then, of the last log entry considering him. The cruel thing plays the doctor's entry to the medical file and all I hear is 'Time of death 10:30.' Soon afterwards you and the doc find me lying on his bed in a deep state of shock. You try to help me by handing me his medicine bundle. Then the two of you leave me alone and I go into trance and I find him. He heals me to some degree. When I wake up again I am actually able to do something. I get dressed, go to the bridge and talk to you in the observation lounge because the ready room was destroyed. Then you bring me to his quarters and a while later while I am reading a padd, there is another attack and I am blown into pieces once again. Next thing I know: I wake up this morning. Chakotay died two days ago and now I am talking to you again. I just hope my quarters are spared today. I have no desire to be the victim of yet another explosion." Kathryn only stopped to take a deep breath once in a while. When she was finished, she looked at him expectantly. She was wondering whether or not he got her point.
"So you're telling me what exactly?" Confusion was written all over Paris's face.
"Tom, you're a bright guy. Draw your own conclusion," Kathryn challenged him, her eyes never leaving his. She saw it dawning on him as he considered what she had said for a while.
"That's strange... as if you were - nah," Tom shook his head in disbelief. "This can't be," he added.
"Say it, Tom," Kathryn insisted, her body moving forward in anticipation as she kept looking into his eyes.
"As if you were going back in time," Tom blurted out, afraid that he sounded like a complete fool.
"Bingo," Kathryn clapped her hands together to emphasize her outburst. "That was my conclusion as well." She seemed somewhat content that she hadn't lost her mind, or drawn the wrong comclusions from what she thought to have experienced the past days - or was that days to come?
Tom wasn't that easy to please. "Are you sure? I mean, why? How? God, I think I've got a headache," Tom groaned as he let himself fall backwards, smashing his head against the backrest time and again.
"That won't help," Kathryn told him, her eyes twinkling. "I tried before."
He had actually reacted quite well to the news. Better than she had expected him to.
Tom stopped momentarily, opened one eye and regarded his Captain. "I am glad you're feeling better, Captain. Even if that means that I have to suffer." Tom rubbed his temples as if to make a point.
Kathryn almost felt guilty for sharing this load with him. But on second thought, she didn't know anyone else she would have confided in. Harry still was too scared of her to challenge her, B'Elanna was in no condition to argue with her and Seven and Tuvok were too logical to even consider her going backwards in time. The doctor probably would have sedated her as soon as she mentioned something like the hope to get Chakotay back. She would have been in careful psychological care from then on. Which only meant, she would have lost a day. But losing a day was not what she could afford to do right now.
She focused on the task at hand again and decided to worsen Paris's headache. "Any ideas, Tom?" She asked, not without an evil grin.
"Me?" Tom looked at her astonished. He couldn't quite believe that the Captain had confided in him of all people and now she wanted his opinion on what was to do. He decided to give it a thought, if only to prove her that she chose the right person.
"Yes, you," Kathryn regarded him, patiently waiting for an answer.
After a long pause Tom finally seemed to have thought of something. "Oh my," he began, trying to focus his mind on what he wanted to say. "We have to find out about the aliens. Why did they attack? Why do they keep attacking us? Who are they?"
"Good, Tom," Kathryn reached out to touch his arm briefly in encouragement.
"Is Harry still alive?" Kathryn asked, knowing that the odds for Harry's survival never ran high.
"Alive and kicking," Tom answered, grinning knowingly.
"Seven?" She continued.
"If you can call her usual self alive, then she is," Tom said.
"Good," Kathryn nodded. "Tell them to meet you in Astrometrics. We have a task to accomplish." Her whole body has straightened somewhat and her sheer determination once again made her look a lot bigger, less fragile, than she actually was.
Tom smiled. The Captain was back and had a task to accomplish. "Aye, ma'am," Tom answered, as he jumped up to rush to the door.
Kathryn started to lead him there, but was too slow. Leaning into the corridor, Kathryn shook her head and shouted after him: "Dismissed."
Tom waved his hand without turning back to her. "You're no longer Captain, remember, Captain?" he shouted back.
"Then stop calling me that," she yelled, shaking her head at the irony of his statement.
"Aye, ma'am," he answered before he disappeared behind a corner.
Kathryn shook his head in disbelief. What was up with her? The chance of getting Chakotay back had made her extremely lightheaded. The whole exchange with Tom seemed to be almost juvenile. Coming to think of it, it had been juvenile. She willed herself to get a grip on herself. She was a Starfleet Captain who had just lost a loved one. The crew expected her to run around distant and sad or to shut herself into his or her quarters. And here she was standing in a corridor grinning like a loon who had lost it.
She had to concentrate. She had to get a grip on herself. She knew there was no guarantee she would actually accomplish her task and safe him. She wouldn't throw it all away or do some sort of mistake just because she was light-headed because of the fact Tom came to the same conclusion she had come to.
She had to concentrate.
@ -;--
As she went back into her quarters she shoved the stuff that once had had its place on her sofa into her bedroom, kicking it all into the direction. She winced, holding her toe after her foot connected with one of the countless coffee mugs that were part of the pile.
Deciding it was not going to work this way she collected at least as many mugs as she could hold with two hands and discarded them into the replicator. She watched them disappear and then went on collecting some of the padds. Discarding those onto her desk, she had to be careful not to have them drop onto the floor again, for it was hopelessly over-packed with the usual 3 sorts of items. Throwing clothes onto the floor, she was pretty certain the pile would hold, so she made her way to the replicator again, both arms full of mugs again. As they disappeared, she was already on her way to pick up at least some of the clothes. On her way to her bedroom she passed a mirror and stopped dead in her tracks.
She groaned as she saw the ghost that stared back at her. Her hair was dishevelled, which she had almost come to accept by now, her uniform was still stained and she could make out traces of dirt on her face and her hands. Was that a bruise on her neck? She couldn't tell. Her face was ashen, which helped to show off the dirt rather unpleasantly. Shaking her head, she knew this was no attire to present oneself in. She couldn't believe she had faced Tom Paris the way she looked.
She opted for a quick shower and a change of dress before she would join the others in Astrometrics. There was no way she would leave her quarters otherwise. She remembered that she had been close to leaving Chakotay's quarters in his boxers and t-shirt the day before, marvelling at the irony of it all.
On her way to the bathroom she left a trail of clothes behind her, a uniform jacket here, trousers there. All of it mended pretty well with the rest of her clothes on the bedroom floor. Finally, she leaned against the wall of the sonic shower wishing she had the time for a long soak in the bathtub.
*Soaking would get you thinking, Kathryn,* she told herself. *Shower is good, shower is quick.*
Deciding there was no way to convince herself that a sonic shower was the better way to cleanse herself, she decided to just get it over with and commanded the computer to switch it on, feeling the dirt drop away from her. There was nothing better than real water to wash oneself. Why didn't she have the time?
After a long while she stepped out into her living room, clad only in a tank top and underwear. Hopping from one foot to the other, she tried to concentrate on walking, trying not to trip over anything that still lay in her way and getting her uniform trousers on at the same time. As she attempted the same while putting her socks on, she failed miserably, landing on her behind with a thud. Luckily she missed a PADD and a mug only by inches. She felt very lucky, indeed. She would have laughed if it hadn't hurt that much.
Shaking her head, Kathryn tried to stand upright again, rubbing her bottom with her hand while grabbing her uniform jacket with the other. A quick glance into the mirror told her that she looked as decent as possible under the circumstances and made a run for Astrometrics.
She was already late.
@ -;--
As Kathryn arrived at Astrometrics three heads turned to where she was. Tom was leaning to the wall close to the entry obviously waiting for her. Seven and Harry had been busy at the circular console in the middle of the room.
"Captain," Tom said acknowledging her.
"What did you tell Tuvok?" Kathryn asked curiously.
"That I needed Harry to work on something in Astrometrics. A hunch I had about the attacks," Tom explained to his Captain, watching her closely. She definitely looked better than before, he realized. She had obviously had a change of clothes and a shower after he had left her quarters.
"And he let him accompany you due to a hunch?" Kathryn asked, wonder and disbelief written all over her face.
"He's acting captain, I am acting XO. He told me to return him as soon as my hunch proved to be only that," Tom smiled.
"He let you out without any suspicions?" Kathryn still couldn't believe it. Maybe Tuvok had grown soft to human traits after all. But deep inside herself, she couldn't believe that was the case. Maybe Tuvok had seen some kind of logic in Tom's actions. Maybe he knew Janeway had been the person behind Tom's request. Kathryn was pretty sure Tuvok had not fallen for Tom's reason.
"Maybe he learned to trust human hunches to one degree. And maybe he thought research would be a logical way to solve the conflict," Tom tried.
"Might be," smiled Janeway. "Do the two of you know what this is all about?" Kathryn turned towards Harry and Seven who had listened to the exchange of the other two carefully.
"Yes. Though I find that I don't understand it. Why do you assume that you go backward in time?" Seven asked briskly.
Tom groaned, "Seven let's just assume for the moment she does, okay? We want to find out what exactly happened two days ago during the first attack. So the question if or if not the Captain is going backwards in time is simply irrelevant. Can we do that, Seven? Can we just try to find out what happened? Without any further questions?" Tom was obviously more than slightly unnerved by the Ex-Borg's constant arguing.
She just looked at him and nodded without any further word. Kathryn idly wondered if Seven was pouting inside. She didn't even wince nor show any sign of emotions on the outside.
"Good," Kathryn exclaimed. "Now let's start. Harry, I suggest you take internal sensors, Seven you are to check the external sensors, Tom, you and I will check the logs. Deal?" Kathryn looked at Tom apologetically. He was the commanding officer in the room, but still, old habits died hard. He smiled at her and with a wink of his hand indicated for her to go ahead. He was comfortable with her to have command.
"Yes, ma'am," Harry exclaimed hesitantly, not really content with the thought of watching Chakotay's death again.
"It's your mission, Captain, but is it wise?" Tom whispered to Kathryn.
"What do you mean?"
"Shouldn't we do this all together?"
"Why?"
"Because we never know when Tuvok will need us back on the bridge. Maybe it will be before we can report to you and you will have nothing again."
"We have two hours," Kathryn whispered back watching Tom's face pale, "but I do see your point." She then raised her voice. "Listen all, Tom just pointed out that it might be better to do one thing at a time, together. I opt for internal sensors first."
"Aye, ma'am," Harry agreed again.
"Don't push it, mister," Kathryn answered, shaking her head.
@ -;--
They had been going over the sensor data time and again, without finding any real solution.
"See this?" Kathryn pointed at the alien ship that appeared on the screen. They don't look hostile. They don't even approach on an intercept course. They seem to just mind their business. Freeze picture. See? They are almost past us when they shoot. End sequence." She squeezed her eyes shut before the screen could show Chakotay's death again.
They discussed the data over and over again, watching the attack from different angles, until Kathryn really was sick of it and decided to put an end to this approach. Judging by the others' behaviour they were getting fed up quickly as well. "We agree that this might have been an accident. We only need some sort of proof," she sighed.
"I agree," Seven stated blatently.
"Yes," Janeway agreed, "You got it, Seven."
"No, I did not get it," she corrected.
Tom moved behind the ex-Borg raising his hands as if he wanted to strangle her.
"I see your point, Captain," Harry tried the diplomatic approach. "See, Seven, they react illogically. They shoot, do a lot of damage and then instead of continuing their assault, they stop altogether. Is that logical, Seven?"
"No, it isn't," the ex-Borg had to admit, "So you are trying to say that because they did not continue to fight their motives were not to destroy Voyager? Or do damage? They did damage Voyager. Why did they shoot in the first place when they did not want to do harm?"
"Seven, have you ever heard of accidents? Or what the word 'accident' means?" Tom groaned.
"Accident. I am aware of the meaning of this word," Seven stated.
"I am getting a headache," Kathryn sighed, rubbing her temples.
They discussed the data over yet again and still didn't come to a conclusion. Kathryn decided she had had enough of it. "We agree that this might have been an accident. We only need some sort of proof," she sighed.
"I agree," Seven stated blantly.
"Oh wow," Tom said not without a hint of sarcasm.
"Sarcasm is futile," Seven added.
Tom closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He was not going to have her get to him. It wasn't worth the wrath of Kathryn Janeway if he attempted to kill the ex-drone now. Tom sighed.
Kathryn was having similar thoughts. Killing Seven wouldn't exactly have any consequences. She would just be alive again the day before. The thought made a smile tug at her lips. Definitely worth considering.
"How can we prove it?" Harry asked, looking from his Captain to Tom to Seven and back to Janeway. His forehead was furrowed with worry for the ex- borg. He wondered if she realized that the other two had a manic gleam in their eyes, a gleam that might prove to be lethal for the blonde woman.
"Tuvok to Astrometrics. Please respond."
Harry was relieved to hear the voice of the stoic Vulcan. Tuvok definitely had great timing. He had just saved the life of Seven of Nine.
Kathryn nodded towards Tom who replied at her silent order. "Paris here. What is it, Tuvok?"
"Mr Paris, Mr Kim, please report to the bridge immediately. Captain, please return to crew quarters."
Kathryn's brows shot up in amazement. How could he know she was there? She wasn't wearing a commbadge after all. But she should have known. Tuvok wasn't chief of security without a reason. So he had indeed known that she had been Tom's motivation for the Astrometrics mission. She shook her head, a bright smile tugging at her lips.
"Aye, sir," Tom acknowledged, cutting the commlink. He asked Harry to go ahead to the bridge and then turned to Kathryn. "I will see the Captain to her quarters and follow you afterwards."
Harry nodded and strode out of the door.
"Captain, after you," Tom grinned gesturing for her to go first.
"Aye sir," Kathryn grinned back and quickly made her way to the door.
As they closed behind them, Tom addressed her again. "Didn't you tell me earlier that Astrometrics would blow up soon?"
"Well, yes?" Kathryn smiled at him, trying her best to look innocent.
"You're evil," he laughed as he followed her retreating form through the corridors.
Seven was definitely in for a surprise.
@ -;--
Kathryn was pacing Chakotay's quarters as the ship rocked with yet another attack. She felt fairly safe where she was, knowing that Chakotay's quarters would blow up the day afterwards and not that day. But she also didn't know what parts of her ship where ripped apart right now, how many lives would be lost in this senseless battle.
She paced on and on until her feet wouldn't obey her assault anymore. She was tired, she was exhausted. It had been a short but intense day so far with lots of things already accomplished and the solution almost there. It had been an accident; the whole thing had been an accident.
It might have been, anyway.
Kathryn couldn't tell for sure, but she still believed in the good. And those ships might have been good. One shot, then minutes passed until Voyager was able to shoot back and destroy the ship. Why hadn't they shot another time? Why hadn't they destroyed Voyager while they had every chance to do so? Why hadn't they tried to?
Kathryn knew that there was no chance for her to go back to Astrometrics to check it out. Tuvok had unknowingly rescued all of them when he called them away from that room prior to the attacks. Astrometrics already was or would be destroyed in this battle. Kathryn had read about it the day afterwards. She contemplated what she could do now. She simply wasn't the right person to sit around and do nothing. She had to distract herself. Thinking would only bring back the fear of losing him. Fear of not being able to bring him back.
Kathryn stopped in front of his bed, glancing briefly at the picture of herself at the side of it. Remembering the other day she made a decision. She would contact him again and confide in him. Maybe he would be able to shed some light onto her lines of thought. He had always managed to help her focus. His cryptic ghost should be able to do that as well, shouldn't he?
She went back into the living room, retrieving his medicine bundle from where she knew he was keeping it.
She crawled onto his bed, crossing her feet as she sat down. Opening the bundle she unpacked the akoonah and his personal items. Her hand touched the akoonah, closing her eyes as the sensations flowed through her, and she murmured the ancient words of his people, over and over again, until complete darkness engulfed her.
@ -;--
Smiling, as she felt sunrays warming her face, Kathryn opened her eyes to search for him. She found herself on that same spot, dangling her feet in the water. "At this rate I am going to get a tan," she grinned.
"Or freckles," Kathryn heard him adding as she felt his arms sneaking around her form.
She wriggled her nose. "No. No freckles. No way," she protested. "Captain's don't get freckles."
"They do," he told her as he planted butterfly kisses onto her face. "There. And there. And there."
"Stop that," she laughed, as she slapped him playfully across the chest.
"Aye, ma'am," he assured her, as he leaned down to plant a last kiss onto the tip of her nose.
"Hey," she growled.
He shrugged, "I missed one." Grinning an irresistible smile.
She hugged him close, feeling content where she was. She never wanted to let go again. But with that the reality of her surroundings crept in. Or, more precisely, the fact that it was not real. That it was some kind of mental image, a spirit world that was nowhere near reality.
"I am afraid, Chakotay," she sighed.
He pulled away just enough to look into her eyes. "I know."
"What if it wasn't an accident after all? What if I can't rescue you? What if my hunch proves to be wrong?" She babbled, desperately trying to express her feelings to him.
"We will be joined either way," was his answer.
"Sheesh, I hate your new cryptic self," Kathryn shook her head in frustration.
"No, you don't," he corrected.
"Stop it," she growled at him.
Chakotay pretended to be insulted and backed away from her, leaving her alone to think about what she said. "As you wish, Kathryn."
His words hit her more than she was willing to acknowledge to herself. "Come back, damnit," she called after him. "I need you!"
"Rescue me, Kath. You have one day to find out what went wrong," he said as he turned back and enclosed her in his arms again.
"I don't want to fail," Kathryn sobbed, as everything came back to her. How did she keep going from playful and happy to facing the reality of her loss in a matter of seconds? Was it some sort of depression? Kathryn was pretty sure that given the circumstances, it was.
"Then don't," he answered.
They stood there for a long time hugging each other tightly. Kathryn wanted to stay like this forever. Maybe there was a possibility to remain in this afterlife. Maybe there was the possibility to stay. She desperately wanted to.
"No," Chakotay sighed.
"No what?" Kathryn asked, looking up towards him in confusion.
"You have to go, Kathryn. You have to give the real us, the living us a chance, promise me that, promise me," Chakotay caught her eyes with his, needing her to make a promise.
"But," she began.
"No buts, just promise," Chakotay insisted. "I want to have the chance to have children with you, you know."
Kathryn closed her eyes to escape his stare. "I, I promise," she finally whispered, dropping her head to his chest. "I promise."
"Good," he assured her, letting his hands soothe her by running lazy circles across her back. "Good."
"But why?" Kathryn tried again.
"Because you have to."
"Don't start to get cryptic at me again, mister." Kathryn growled.
She knew she would have to leave him soon. Something inside her was drawn back to reality. She knew he felt it too, felt her leaving already.
"Kiss me," she whispered, trying to cling to him desperately.
He did as she ordered, whispering, "I love you" before she disappeared in front of this eyes. She had to succeed. She just had to.
@ -;--
Kathryn awoke from her trance, tears streaming down her face. She really should stop herself from visiting him. This time it had seemed harder to leave him than it had the first time. But this strange force always seemed to pull her back after some minutes, or was that hours? Kathryn realized that she had lost all track of time while being with him. She did not know if time went by at the same rate in both worlds. Maybe she was pulled back because her subconscious reminded her that she had a body to come back to.
She needed to rescue him. She had to succeed. If not for her own good then because she had promised him to. She had to succeed. If she didn't manage to she could still die and join him in their heaven that was New Earth. Her life would be ended, either by the aliens that would destroy Voyager or by her own hands. There was not really any way to fail her mission, she thought contented.
Some kind of a no-ose situation, Kathryn thought to herself, wiping the last of her tears away. That certainly was something new to her.
She felt the exhaustion getting the better of her, as she lay sprawled across Chakotay's bed. She barely had the energy to repack his medicine bundle and cradle it to her chest when sleep hit her.
For once in the past/prior days Kathryn's day didn't end with her death. She slept peacefully, her face buried deeply into his cushion, taking in the scent of him with every single breath.
By KateF - kathrynf@gmx.net
October 2001
Disclaimer: Paramount still owns Star Trek: Voyager, though I don't exactly like what they did with it.
Author's Note: This story is dedicated to Caffey. Thanks for being a friend I can confide in, thanks for being a faithful JCer. Thanks for actually writing something to the end. Or attempting to, anyway. 8)
Acknowledgements: Thank you to Caffey, Sylvia, Jade and Ala for their input. *hugz* Thank you sooooo much for actually betaing the whole thing, Bex! *HUGZ TIGHTLY*
@ -;-- 2 --;- @
Kathryn woke up to Voyager's steady hum and someone working nearby. Where was she? She only remembered Voyager blowing up at least once, Chakotay's quarters definitely blowing up twice, once with Voyager as a whole, once possibly only with a part of the ship. She knew one thing for sure; she should be as dead as he was. She didn't know why she wasn't. It didn't make sense.
"Captain, are you awake?" The doctor's voice disturbed her thoughts.
"If I said no would you leave me alone?" She asked with a hint of humour in her voice.
"No." He stated matter-of-factly.
"Thought so," she sighed. "Could you dim the lights? I don't want to open my eyes only to be blinded again." she asked him, remembering the last time she woke up in sickbay. It seemed to have been yesterday.
"Yes, Captain," he agreed and ordered the computer to do so.
"You can open them now," he said.
Kathryn did at the doctor's prompting and found herself in sickbay. She had seen that coming, of course, though she didn't really know why.
"Why am I in sickbay, doctor?" She asked him nervously, asking the question that dominated her thoughts.
"You are here after a nervous breakdown, Captain. I had to sedate you to keep you from hurting yourself and others."
"Others being the aliens that killed him?" Kathryn found it extremely hard to get those words out.
"Others being those and everyone else who tried to keep you from doing any harm to yourself."
"Ouch," Kathryn stated, rubbing the base of her nose. "I understand. Actually, I don't. I remember myself being all right yesterday." Kathryn began, as she decided it might be best not to add that at the end of her day she had died.
"Ever since Commander Chakotay's death 2 days ago you were in a state of deep shock, thus relieved of duty."
"Two days ago?" Kathryn asked astonished, reality and the truth dawning on her.
"That's what I said, yes," the doctor assured her.
"I need to talk to Tom Paris, immediately," Kathryn jumped off the biobed, regretting it as she had the day before, or was that the day prior? She wasn't sure anymore. She washed away the dizziness as she made her way to the sickbay doors. Unfortunately the doctor didn't quite agree with her plans, which she painfully had to experience. She bumped into his form.
"Doctor, you could have just said stop," Kathryn regarded him furiously.
"And then what? You would have stopped. Oh, please," the doctor shook his head. "I prefer the fail proof way: projecting myself into your path."
"Thanks, it's the way that hurts. A lot!" Kathryn growled. "Now, why did you want me to stop?"
"Don't you think you should get dressed first?" The doctor suggested gesturing at the revealing sickbay gown she wore.
"Thanks doc," Kathryn grinned. "Almost forgot about that one. Where are my clothes?" she asked.
"I will get them for you. You. Wait."
"Aye sir," Kathryn stood to attention.
"I am glad you feel better, Captain."
"We'll see, maybe I really am." She muttered to herself as the doctor hurried into the other room to get her clothes. As it turned out her slightly burnt uniform was waiting for her. Kathryn took a deep breath. She could only imagine when it had been burnt and she didn't really want to think about it.
@ -;--
Kathryn stood in front of the Paris's rooms, somewhat afraid to ring the chime. The computer had confirmed that he was, indeed, in his quarters. But she still felt reluctant to make her presence known. As her finger snaked out to the chime, only to be retreated once again, she shook her head violently. What had happened to her? Since when had she been a chicken when it came to facing the inevitable? She decided that if she could face the Borg and defeat them more than once, she could also live through what was to come. Though, she had to admit, Chakotay had always been by her side to strengthen her.
Always, till now. She tried another approach. Kathryn had made it to Captain without ever knowing who that Chakotay person was. She had lived through academy, through losing her father and her fiancé, she would deal with this loss. She would carry on.
She knew that she was pathetic. There was no way to compare Justin's death with Chakotay's. Both had broken her heart, but looking back she wasn't sure a marriage with Justin would have lasted long if Chakotay had come into the picture as he had. She forced herself to focus and willed her arm to move.
As her finger snaked out this time, she pushed the button and heard the doorchime announce her. She was asked in almost immediately.
As she passed the threshold, Tom looked up from his place in front of his ancient TV set. B'Elanna lay on the couch beside him, her head nestled into Tom's lap, a blanket covering her. Kathryn felt like an intruder as she saw B'Elanna lying there. Her chief engineer's tear-stained face was lit by the light emanating from the TV set. She wanted to turn around that instance and flee the room. She felt bad about disturbing them. But Tom kept her from running away.
"Captain, what can I do for you?" He asked, rousing B'Elanna from sleep with his words.
"Captain?" she asked shakigly.
"Shh, love," he answered. "Sleep. I'll be back." With that he lifted her head enough to slip out from under her. He brushed a kiss across her ridges before he faced his captain.
"How can I help you?" He repeated, concern evident in his features.
"Could we talk? I need to talk to you." Kathryn asked, seeming absent, distant, as if she was deep in thought.
"Yes, Captain. Could we maybe do this in your quarters?" Tom asked gesturing towards his wife who had fallen asleep again.
"Sure," Janeway agreed, as she took in the form of her Chief Engineer. "It hit her hard," she added, sorrow evident in her unsteady voice.
"He was like a brother to her. He was her brother in almost every sense of the word, just not biologically," Tom tried to explain.
"I know, Tom. But what I've got to say might be a glimmer of hope for you and her. For all of us," Kathryn tried to explain.
"Okay, let's go," he smiled, wondering what had happened to have his Captain recover to some degree. She seemed to be a lot better compared to the state she had been in not long ago. Had it not been for the haunted look in her eyes he would have said she was back to normal. He was anticipating what she wanted to inform him of.
@ -;--
Kathryn led him into her quarters wincing at the chaos that seemed to reign there. She now remembered that there had been something she had been planning to do the beginning of the week before the disaster struck. She had obviously wanted to clean her rooms. As they were now, they spoke of a definite caffeine addiction and a busy life. Cups lay scattered around everywhere. She also noticed that she hadn't had the time to clean up her clothes. It was very hard not to notice for they seemed to be everywhere. Janeway remembered emptying her closet at one point that seemed so long ago now, in order to find a certain dress that had hid in a far corner of her closet. And instead of replacing it all she had let time passed with the result that now, every little piece of clothing she owned lay scattered along her floor.
"Uhm, well," Kathryn seemed to be a little taken back at the scenario, "I didn't remember that it looked that bad. Excuse the mess, but since the ready room is not an option, I thought this was the next best thing." *Not an option, Kathryn thought sarcastically. Quite an understatement, since it was space dust, destroyed in one of the prior attacks.*
"Captain, the ready room is in perfect shape, why is it not an option?" Tom asked carefully, afraid that his Captain had lost her mind.
"Right," Kathryn considered what to say next and decided for the shocking approach. "So be glad we aren't in it right now. It's due to blow up sometime today. It's not a safe place to be, believe me. I was blown into pieces twice the last two days, it's not a pretty feeling, nor something I would advise you to do on a common basis."
"You lost me." Tom stated looking indeed pretty out of it. His brow was furrowed as he tried to understand where she was heading or if what she said made any slightest bit of sense.
"I am not sure I get what I'm implying either," Kathryn assured him. "You have to think I've completely lost it."
"The thought crossed my mind," Tom admitted, as an evil grin spread across his face.
"It's only that you seemed pretty open-minded the last time we talked about it."
"The last time I saw you you tried to kill me, Captain," Tom tried to explain. He remembered his Captain kicking at him, as he tried to restrain her. Then she had tried to lung for his throat while two security men tried to keep her from doing it. That had been the time when the doctor decided a hypospray was a good idea to solve the problem, if only temporarily.
"From your point of view, it was, Tom," Kathryn tried to explain, knowing that the last time for her had not yet happened for Tom.
"Now you really lost me. You're not making any sense," Tom stated dumbfounded.
"Want some coffee?" Kathryn offered, as she made her way to the replicator.
"Didn't you want to tell me what this is all about?" Tom began.
"Coffee first," Kathryn smiled fondly, "coffee makes your mind clear, coffee helps you focus, coffee keeps you awake, coffee keeps you sharp."
"Okay, okay," Tom laughed, "I'll take one. And you're truly an addict."
"I just value the stuff and can't function without it. Okay, so I am. Don't tell-" She grew sober, then gulped.
She closed her eyes briefly, breathed in the coffee she had replicated and handed him one cup. "Anyway, where were we?" She began as she motioned for him to sit on the sofa.
He placed his coffee cup on the table considering it. He realized that there was no space for him in between laundry, coffee cups, PADDs and whatever else seemed to have a permanent residence on her couch, and grinned: "Where on the sofa?"
"Just throw the stuff to the floor, Tom," Kathryn shook her head. "Have you never lived in chaos yourself?"
"Those days are over," Tom sighed. "I am mister perfect now." The twinkle in his eyes told her otherwise.
She chuckled: "Yeah, sure. Ready for a tale, helmboy?"
"As ready as can be," Tom admitted. He finally sat down on the couch. The pile that he had placed to the floor now lay at his feet reaching well above his knees. "Impressive," he added. He knew it had been a lot of stuff, but this was, indeed, impressive.
"Never underestimate a woman's packing skills, when it comes to what men call untidiness. On second thought, most women call it that as well. Even I do, occassionally," Kathryn babbled.
"Okay, okay," Tom's hands motioned for her to calm down. Then he tried bringing her back on topic. As much as he enjoyed the playful banter between him and the Captain, he knew it was just some kind of protective shield for her. Her laughter and her smile never reached her eyes. The sadness was always prominent. She just got better hiding it behind her playful behaviour. "Didn't you want to explain the confusing stuff you mentioned earlier?"
"Right," Kathryn sobered somewhat.
She seemed to focus onto a point somewhere slightly right to his right shoulder. He knew that it was the window, or more precisely the stars streaking by she concentrated on as she tried to find a way to tell him whatever she wanted to share with him. Tom felt slightly uncomfortable as he didn't know what was to come. Nor could he have ever imagined something as confusing as what he was about to hear.
"Let me start at the beginning," Kathryn took a deep breath before she started to babble, "The first thing I remember is Voyager blowing up. A ball of heat rushed towards me and then nothing. Not pretty, I can assure you of that. Well, next thing is, I wake up in sickbay and the doc refuses to tell me what's up. And he won't tell me why I am there either. So I flee the room when he's not there, trying to find Chakotay. Before long, I find myself in his quarters. He is not there. I still think it's some kind of sick joke, but have the guts to ask the computer of his whereabouts, and then, of the last log entry considering him. The cruel thing plays the doctor's entry to the medical file and all I hear is 'Time of death 10:30.' Soon afterwards you and the doc find me lying on his bed in a deep state of shock. You try to help me by handing me his medicine bundle. Then the two of you leave me alone and I go into trance and I find him. He heals me to some degree. When I wake up again I am actually able to do something. I get dressed, go to the bridge and talk to you in the observation lounge because the ready room was destroyed. Then you bring me to his quarters and a while later while I am reading a padd, there is another attack and I am blown into pieces once again. Next thing I know: I wake up this morning. Chakotay died two days ago and now I am talking to you again. I just hope my quarters are spared today. I have no desire to be the victim of yet another explosion." Kathryn only stopped to take a deep breath once in a while. When she was finished, she looked at him expectantly. She was wondering whether or not he got her point.
"So you're telling me what exactly?" Confusion was written all over Paris's face.
"Tom, you're a bright guy. Draw your own conclusion," Kathryn challenged him, her eyes never leaving his. She saw it dawning on him as he considered what she had said for a while.
"That's strange... as if you were - nah," Tom shook his head in disbelief. "This can't be," he added.
"Say it, Tom," Kathryn insisted, her body moving forward in anticipation as she kept looking into his eyes.
"As if you were going back in time," Tom blurted out, afraid that he sounded like a complete fool.
"Bingo," Kathryn clapped her hands together to emphasize her outburst. "That was my conclusion as well." She seemed somewhat content that she hadn't lost her mind, or drawn the wrong comclusions from what she thought to have experienced the past days - or was that days to come?
Tom wasn't that easy to please. "Are you sure? I mean, why? How? God, I think I've got a headache," Tom groaned as he let himself fall backwards, smashing his head against the backrest time and again.
"That won't help," Kathryn told him, her eyes twinkling. "I tried before."
He had actually reacted quite well to the news. Better than she had expected him to.
Tom stopped momentarily, opened one eye and regarded his Captain. "I am glad you're feeling better, Captain. Even if that means that I have to suffer." Tom rubbed his temples as if to make a point.
Kathryn almost felt guilty for sharing this load with him. But on second thought, she didn't know anyone else she would have confided in. Harry still was too scared of her to challenge her, B'Elanna was in no condition to argue with her and Seven and Tuvok were too logical to even consider her going backwards in time. The doctor probably would have sedated her as soon as she mentioned something like the hope to get Chakotay back. She would have been in careful psychological care from then on. Which only meant, she would have lost a day. But losing a day was not what she could afford to do right now.
She focused on the task at hand again and decided to worsen Paris's headache. "Any ideas, Tom?" She asked, not without an evil grin.
"Me?" Tom looked at her astonished. He couldn't quite believe that the Captain had confided in him of all people and now she wanted his opinion on what was to do. He decided to give it a thought, if only to prove her that she chose the right person.
"Yes, you," Kathryn regarded him, patiently waiting for an answer.
After a long pause Tom finally seemed to have thought of something. "Oh my," he began, trying to focus his mind on what he wanted to say. "We have to find out about the aliens. Why did they attack? Why do they keep attacking us? Who are they?"
"Good, Tom," Kathryn reached out to touch his arm briefly in encouragement.
"Is Harry still alive?" Kathryn asked, knowing that the odds for Harry's survival never ran high.
"Alive and kicking," Tom answered, grinning knowingly.
"Seven?" She continued.
"If you can call her usual self alive, then she is," Tom said.
"Good," Kathryn nodded. "Tell them to meet you in Astrometrics. We have a task to accomplish." Her whole body has straightened somewhat and her sheer determination once again made her look a lot bigger, less fragile, than she actually was.
Tom smiled. The Captain was back and had a task to accomplish. "Aye, ma'am," Tom answered, as he jumped up to rush to the door.
Kathryn started to lead him there, but was too slow. Leaning into the corridor, Kathryn shook her head and shouted after him: "Dismissed."
Tom waved his hand without turning back to her. "You're no longer Captain, remember, Captain?" he shouted back.
"Then stop calling me that," she yelled, shaking her head at the irony of his statement.
"Aye, ma'am," he answered before he disappeared behind a corner.
Kathryn shook his head in disbelief. What was up with her? The chance of getting Chakotay back had made her extremely lightheaded. The whole exchange with Tom seemed to be almost juvenile. Coming to think of it, it had been juvenile. She willed herself to get a grip on herself. She was a Starfleet Captain who had just lost a loved one. The crew expected her to run around distant and sad or to shut herself into his or her quarters. And here she was standing in a corridor grinning like a loon who had lost it.
She had to concentrate. She had to get a grip on herself. She knew there was no guarantee she would actually accomplish her task and safe him. She wouldn't throw it all away or do some sort of mistake just because she was light-headed because of the fact Tom came to the same conclusion she had come to.
She had to concentrate.
@ -;--
As she went back into her quarters she shoved the stuff that once had had its place on her sofa into her bedroom, kicking it all into the direction. She winced, holding her toe after her foot connected with one of the countless coffee mugs that were part of the pile.
Deciding it was not going to work this way she collected at least as many mugs as she could hold with two hands and discarded them into the replicator. She watched them disappear and then went on collecting some of the padds. Discarding those onto her desk, she had to be careful not to have them drop onto the floor again, for it was hopelessly over-packed with the usual 3 sorts of items. Throwing clothes onto the floor, she was pretty certain the pile would hold, so she made her way to the replicator again, both arms full of mugs again. As they disappeared, she was already on her way to pick up at least some of the clothes. On her way to her bedroom she passed a mirror and stopped dead in her tracks.
She groaned as she saw the ghost that stared back at her. Her hair was dishevelled, which she had almost come to accept by now, her uniform was still stained and she could make out traces of dirt on her face and her hands. Was that a bruise on her neck? She couldn't tell. Her face was ashen, which helped to show off the dirt rather unpleasantly. Shaking her head, she knew this was no attire to present oneself in. She couldn't believe she had faced Tom Paris the way she looked.
She opted for a quick shower and a change of dress before she would join the others in Astrometrics. There was no way she would leave her quarters otherwise. She remembered that she had been close to leaving Chakotay's quarters in his boxers and t-shirt the day before, marvelling at the irony of it all.
On her way to the bathroom she left a trail of clothes behind her, a uniform jacket here, trousers there. All of it mended pretty well with the rest of her clothes on the bedroom floor. Finally, she leaned against the wall of the sonic shower wishing she had the time for a long soak in the bathtub.
*Soaking would get you thinking, Kathryn,* she told herself. *Shower is good, shower is quick.*
Deciding there was no way to convince herself that a sonic shower was the better way to cleanse herself, she decided to just get it over with and commanded the computer to switch it on, feeling the dirt drop away from her. There was nothing better than real water to wash oneself. Why didn't she have the time?
After a long while she stepped out into her living room, clad only in a tank top and underwear. Hopping from one foot to the other, she tried to concentrate on walking, trying not to trip over anything that still lay in her way and getting her uniform trousers on at the same time. As she attempted the same while putting her socks on, she failed miserably, landing on her behind with a thud. Luckily she missed a PADD and a mug only by inches. She felt very lucky, indeed. She would have laughed if it hadn't hurt that much.
Shaking her head, Kathryn tried to stand upright again, rubbing her bottom with her hand while grabbing her uniform jacket with the other. A quick glance into the mirror told her that she looked as decent as possible under the circumstances and made a run for Astrometrics.
She was already late.
@ -;--
As Kathryn arrived at Astrometrics three heads turned to where she was. Tom was leaning to the wall close to the entry obviously waiting for her. Seven and Harry had been busy at the circular console in the middle of the room.
"Captain," Tom said acknowledging her.
"What did you tell Tuvok?" Kathryn asked curiously.
"That I needed Harry to work on something in Astrometrics. A hunch I had about the attacks," Tom explained to his Captain, watching her closely. She definitely looked better than before, he realized. She had obviously had a change of clothes and a shower after he had left her quarters.
"And he let him accompany you due to a hunch?" Kathryn asked, wonder and disbelief written all over her face.
"He's acting captain, I am acting XO. He told me to return him as soon as my hunch proved to be only that," Tom smiled.
"He let you out without any suspicions?" Kathryn still couldn't believe it. Maybe Tuvok had grown soft to human traits after all. But deep inside herself, she couldn't believe that was the case. Maybe Tuvok had seen some kind of logic in Tom's actions. Maybe he knew Janeway had been the person behind Tom's request. Kathryn was pretty sure Tuvok had not fallen for Tom's reason.
"Maybe he learned to trust human hunches to one degree. And maybe he thought research would be a logical way to solve the conflict," Tom tried.
"Might be," smiled Janeway. "Do the two of you know what this is all about?" Kathryn turned towards Harry and Seven who had listened to the exchange of the other two carefully.
"Yes. Though I find that I don't understand it. Why do you assume that you go backward in time?" Seven asked briskly.
Tom groaned, "Seven let's just assume for the moment she does, okay? We want to find out what exactly happened two days ago during the first attack. So the question if or if not the Captain is going backwards in time is simply irrelevant. Can we do that, Seven? Can we just try to find out what happened? Without any further questions?" Tom was obviously more than slightly unnerved by the Ex-Borg's constant arguing.
She just looked at him and nodded without any further word. Kathryn idly wondered if Seven was pouting inside. She didn't even wince nor show any sign of emotions on the outside.
"Good," Kathryn exclaimed. "Now let's start. Harry, I suggest you take internal sensors, Seven you are to check the external sensors, Tom, you and I will check the logs. Deal?" Kathryn looked at Tom apologetically. He was the commanding officer in the room, but still, old habits died hard. He smiled at her and with a wink of his hand indicated for her to go ahead. He was comfortable with her to have command.
"Yes, ma'am," Harry exclaimed hesitantly, not really content with the thought of watching Chakotay's death again.
"It's your mission, Captain, but is it wise?" Tom whispered to Kathryn.
"What do you mean?"
"Shouldn't we do this all together?"
"Why?"
"Because we never know when Tuvok will need us back on the bridge. Maybe it will be before we can report to you and you will have nothing again."
"We have two hours," Kathryn whispered back watching Tom's face pale, "but I do see your point." She then raised her voice. "Listen all, Tom just pointed out that it might be better to do one thing at a time, together. I opt for internal sensors first."
"Aye, ma'am," Harry agreed again.
"Don't push it, mister," Kathryn answered, shaking her head.
@ -;--
They had been going over the sensor data time and again, without finding any real solution.
"See this?" Kathryn pointed at the alien ship that appeared on the screen. They don't look hostile. They don't even approach on an intercept course. They seem to just mind their business. Freeze picture. See? They are almost past us when they shoot. End sequence." She squeezed her eyes shut before the screen could show Chakotay's death again.
They discussed the data over and over again, watching the attack from different angles, until Kathryn really was sick of it and decided to put an end to this approach. Judging by the others' behaviour they were getting fed up quickly as well. "We agree that this might have been an accident. We only need some sort of proof," she sighed.
"I agree," Seven stated blatently.
"Yes," Janeway agreed, "You got it, Seven."
"No, I did not get it," she corrected.
Tom moved behind the ex-Borg raising his hands as if he wanted to strangle her.
"I see your point, Captain," Harry tried the diplomatic approach. "See, Seven, they react illogically. They shoot, do a lot of damage and then instead of continuing their assault, they stop altogether. Is that logical, Seven?"
"No, it isn't," the ex-Borg had to admit, "So you are trying to say that because they did not continue to fight their motives were not to destroy Voyager? Or do damage? They did damage Voyager. Why did they shoot in the first place when they did not want to do harm?"
"Seven, have you ever heard of accidents? Or what the word 'accident' means?" Tom groaned.
"Accident. I am aware of the meaning of this word," Seven stated.
"I am getting a headache," Kathryn sighed, rubbing her temples.
They discussed the data over yet again and still didn't come to a conclusion. Kathryn decided she had had enough of it. "We agree that this might have been an accident. We only need some sort of proof," she sighed.
"I agree," Seven stated blantly.
"Oh wow," Tom said not without a hint of sarcasm.
"Sarcasm is futile," Seven added.
Tom closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He was not going to have her get to him. It wasn't worth the wrath of Kathryn Janeway if he attempted to kill the ex-drone now. Tom sighed.
Kathryn was having similar thoughts. Killing Seven wouldn't exactly have any consequences. She would just be alive again the day before. The thought made a smile tug at her lips. Definitely worth considering.
"How can we prove it?" Harry asked, looking from his Captain to Tom to Seven and back to Janeway. His forehead was furrowed with worry for the ex- borg. He wondered if she realized that the other two had a manic gleam in their eyes, a gleam that might prove to be lethal for the blonde woman.
"Tuvok to Astrometrics. Please respond."
Harry was relieved to hear the voice of the stoic Vulcan. Tuvok definitely had great timing. He had just saved the life of Seven of Nine.
Kathryn nodded towards Tom who replied at her silent order. "Paris here. What is it, Tuvok?"
"Mr Paris, Mr Kim, please report to the bridge immediately. Captain, please return to crew quarters."
Kathryn's brows shot up in amazement. How could he know she was there? She wasn't wearing a commbadge after all. But she should have known. Tuvok wasn't chief of security without a reason. So he had indeed known that she had been Tom's motivation for the Astrometrics mission. She shook her head, a bright smile tugging at her lips.
"Aye, sir," Tom acknowledged, cutting the commlink. He asked Harry to go ahead to the bridge and then turned to Kathryn. "I will see the Captain to her quarters and follow you afterwards."
Harry nodded and strode out of the door.
"Captain, after you," Tom grinned gesturing for her to go first.
"Aye sir," Kathryn grinned back and quickly made her way to the door.
As they closed behind them, Tom addressed her again. "Didn't you tell me earlier that Astrometrics would blow up soon?"
"Well, yes?" Kathryn smiled at him, trying her best to look innocent.
"You're evil," he laughed as he followed her retreating form through the corridors.
Seven was definitely in for a surprise.
@ -;--
Kathryn was pacing Chakotay's quarters as the ship rocked with yet another attack. She felt fairly safe where she was, knowing that Chakotay's quarters would blow up the day afterwards and not that day. But she also didn't know what parts of her ship where ripped apart right now, how many lives would be lost in this senseless battle.
She paced on and on until her feet wouldn't obey her assault anymore. She was tired, she was exhausted. It had been a short but intense day so far with lots of things already accomplished and the solution almost there. It had been an accident; the whole thing had been an accident.
It might have been, anyway.
Kathryn couldn't tell for sure, but she still believed in the good. And those ships might have been good. One shot, then minutes passed until Voyager was able to shoot back and destroy the ship. Why hadn't they shot another time? Why hadn't they destroyed Voyager while they had every chance to do so? Why hadn't they tried to?
Kathryn knew that there was no chance for her to go back to Astrometrics to check it out. Tuvok had unknowingly rescued all of them when he called them away from that room prior to the attacks. Astrometrics already was or would be destroyed in this battle. Kathryn had read about it the day afterwards. She contemplated what she could do now. She simply wasn't the right person to sit around and do nothing. She had to distract herself. Thinking would only bring back the fear of losing him. Fear of not being able to bring him back.
Kathryn stopped in front of his bed, glancing briefly at the picture of herself at the side of it. Remembering the other day she made a decision. She would contact him again and confide in him. Maybe he would be able to shed some light onto her lines of thought. He had always managed to help her focus. His cryptic ghost should be able to do that as well, shouldn't he?
She went back into the living room, retrieving his medicine bundle from where she knew he was keeping it.
She crawled onto his bed, crossing her feet as she sat down. Opening the bundle she unpacked the akoonah and his personal items. Her hand touched the akoonah, closing her eyes as the sensations flowed through her, and she murmured the ancient words of his people, over and over again, until complete darkness engulfed her.
@ -;--
Smiling, as she felt sunrays warming her face, Kathryn opened her eyes to search for him. She found herself on that same spot, dangling her feet in the water. "At this rate I am going to get a tan," she grinned.
"Or freckles," Kathryn heard him adding as she felt his arms sneaking around her form.
She wriggled her nose. "No. No freckles. No way," she protested. "Captain's don't get freckles."
"They do," he told her as he planted butterfly kisses onto her face. "There. And there. And there."
"Stop that," she laughed, as she slapped him playfully across the chest.
"Aye, ma'am," he assured her, as he leaned down to plant a last kiss onto the tip of her nose.
"Hey," she growled.
He shrugged, "I missed one." Grinning an irresistible smile.
She hugged him close, feeling content where she was. She never wanted to let go again. But with that the reality of her surroundings crept in. Or, more precisely, the fact that it was not real. That it was some kind of mental image, a spirit world that was nowhere near reality.
"I am afraid, Chakotay," she sighed.
He pulled away just enough to look into her eyes. "I know."
"What if it wasn't an accident after all? What if I can't rescue you? What if my hunch proves to be wrong?" She babbled, desperately trying to express her feelings to him.
"We will be joined either way," was his answer.
"Sheesh, I hate your new cryptic self," Kathryn shook her head in frustration.
"No, you don't," he corrected.
"Stop it," she growled at him.
Chakotay pretended to be insulted and backed away from her, leaving her alone to think about what she said. "As you wish, Kathryn."
His words hit her more than she was willing to acknowledge to herself. "Come back, damnit," she called after him. "I need you!"
"Rescue me, Kath. You have one day to find out what went wrong," he said as he turned back and enclosed her in his arms again.
"I don't want to fail," Kathryn sobbed, as everything came back to her. How did she keep going from playful and happy to facing the reality of her loss in a matter of seconds? Was it some sort of depression? Kathryn was pretty sure that given the circumstances, it was.
"Then don't," he answered.
They stood there for a long time hugging each other tightly. Kathryn wanted to stay like this forever. Maybe there was a possibility to remain in this afterlife. Maybe there was the possibility to stay. She desperately wanted to.
"No," Chakotay sighed.
"No what?" Kathryn asked, looking up towards him in confusion.
"You have to go, Kathryn. You have to give the real us, the living us a chance, promise me that, promise me," Chakotay caught her eyes with his, needing her to make a promise.
"But," she began.
"No buts, just promise," Chakotay insisted. "I want to have the chance to have children with you, you know."
Kathryn closed her eyes to escape his stare. "I, I promise," she finally whispered, dropping her head to his chest. "I promise."
"Good," he assured her, letting his hands soothe her by running lazy circles across her back. "Good."
"But why?" Kathryn tried again.
"Because you have to."
"Don't start to get cryptic at me again, mister." Kathryn growled.
She knew she would have to leave him soon. Something inside her was drawn back to reality. She knew he felt it too, felt her leaving already.
"Kiss me," she whispered, trying to cling to him desperately.
He did as she ordered, whispering, "I love you" before she disappeared in front of this eyes. She had to succeed. She just had to.
@ -;--
Kathryn awoke from her trance, tears streaming down her face. She really should stop herself from visiting him. This time it had seemed harder to leave him than it had the first time. But this strange force always seemed to pull her back after some minutes, or was that hours? Kathryn realized that she had lost all track of time while being with him. She did not know if time went by at the same rate in both worlds. Maybe she was pulled back because her subconscious reminded her that she had a body to come back to.
She needed to rescue him. She had to succeed. If not for her own good then because she had promised him to. She had to succeed. If she didn't manage to she could still die and join him in their heaven that was New Earth. Her life would be ended, either by the aliens that would destroy Voyager or by her own hands. There was not really any way to fail her mission, she thought contented.
Some kind of a no-ose situation, Kathryn thought to herself, wiping the last of her tears away. That certainly was something new to her.
She felt the exhaustion getting the better of her, as she lay sprawled across Chakotay's bed. She barely had the energy to repack his medicine bundle and cradle it to her chest when sleep hit her.
For once in the past/prior days Kathryn's day didn't end with her death. She slept peacefully, her face buried deeply into his cushion, taking in the scent of him with every single breath.