Redux
By KateF - kathrynf@gmx.net
October 2001
Disclaimer: Paramount still owns Star Trek: Voyager, though I don't exactly like what they did with it.
Author's Note: This story is dedicated to Caffey. Thanks for being a friend I can confide in, thanks for being a faithful JCer. Thanks for actually writing something to the end. Or attempting to, anyway. 8)
Acknowledgements: Thank you to Caffey, Sylvia, Jade and Ala for their input. *hugz* Thank you sooooo much for actually betaing the whole thing, Bex! *HUGZ TIGHTLY*
@ -;-- 1 --;- @
As she woke up, she knew she was in sickbay yet again, as every morning. This had to be the morning after hell broke loose, the morning after Chakotay died. Kathryn kept her eyes shut a moment longer, determining if she should even bother to get up or do as much as open her eyes. The doctor would get suspicious if she was her usual self, actually looking forward to the day to come. She made her mental plan for the day.
She would have to tell Tom everything yet again. She would have to find proof that this really had been an accident, and she would have to convince the doc to dismiss her from sickbay. The last task was the first one she had to accomplish. And she already wondered how she would ever succeed in it.
"Captain, I know you are awake," the doc stated. She heard the steady beep of a tricorder coming closer and then growing faint again.
"What's the diagnosis of this patient?" Kathryn asked, willing her eyes to remain shut.
"This patient was sedated due to a nervous breakdown," the doctor explained.
"Oh," Kathryn sobered, then added. "Can you dim the lights a little? I don't want to open my eyes to those bright blinding sickbay lights."
"Sure," the doc muttered and asked the computer for half illumination.
Kathryn opened her eyes and took in her surroundings.
"Have there been other attacks," she asked as she swung her legs over the rim of the biobed and sat up, using her hands to stabilize herself against the dizziness that threatened to get the better of her.
"Not since the first attack that killed Commander Chakotay yesterday," the doc tested her response eyeing her carefully.
She let her face fall, looking at the ground for a few seconds, and then she let her watery eyes travel up again, tears threatening to overwhelm her.
"The rest of the crew?" She asked, her voice shaking.
"Everyone is fine. The ship is in good care. Tuvok is acting captain, Paris is acting XO," the doctor told her.
"Good," Kathryn sighed, trying to stand.
"Captain, what do you think you're doing?" The doctor rushed to her side.
"What does this look like?" Kathryn asked annoyed.
"You won't leave sickbay just yet, Captain. Not for another day or so."
Kathryn sighed and willed herself to stay calm. "I am fine, really, doc. I didn't want to leave sickbay just yet."
"Right," the doctor stated not believing a word she had said, "What are you trying to do then?"
"I want to see him," Kathryn breathed.
"I don't think that's advisable," the doctor tried to persuade her.
Kathryn cut him off. "I need to say goodbye, doctor. I need to say goodbye in order to carry on."
Sighing the doctor had to admit that he saw her point. His database unfortunately agreed with the captain on this one. Saying goodbye to loved ones helped them to cope. He nodded as he held her arm to guide her into the other room. Kathryn followed him willingly.
Why had she told him she wanted to see him? Why did she do something like that to herself? Could she bear facing him? His pale, dead face? His cold body? She didn't really have a choice, did she?
She had to persuade the doctor that she had a grip on life again, that she would be fine, even when left alone and dismissed from sickbay. So she had to say goodbye - if not for herself then for the doctor to believe.
@ -;--
She stood at the door for a long while contemplating why she was doing this to herself. But she knew she didn't really have a choice if she wanted the doctor to let her go. She closed her eyes, as she braced herself for what was to come. She then clenched her fists and took a deep breath.
She looked back at the doctor who eyed her suspiciously. She could tell by the way he stood that he was not entirely happy with what she was about to do.
Kathryn set her jaw as she decided to cross the threshold. She would prove the EMH that it was the right thing to do for her, that it would help her to get a grip on life and living again.
She closed her eyes again as she took a step closer to the doors hearing them hiss open. One foot before the other, Kathryn forced herself forward. She stopped abruptly as the doors shut behind her. She didn't need to go any further into the room.
*Open your eyes, Kathryn,* she told herself, but it didn't have the desired effect. "Open your eyes, damnit," she growled aloud. There. That was better. Her eyes reacted and she saw the floor before her.
"Raise your head, Kathryn," she snapped at herself. "You can do this, don't be a chicken," she added.
She wondered briefly if the EMH could hear her giving orders to herself and found she didn't care. That was odd, actually, for she usually minded things like that a lot.
Doing as she had ordered herself, Kathryn faced what she had to. Him. If she hadn't known that he was dead she'd have thought he was just sleeping. She covered the few steps to his side quickly to check if it all had been a bad joke after all.
No breath left his lips, his ribcage didn't move. His skin was scarily white and translucent which hadn't been apparent in the dim sickbay light from the distance. Kathryn shivered. The indigo lines of his tattoo contrasted against the pale skin of his face and the greyish black of his hair. He had aged the past years, she realized. Funny how the simple things registered in her mind. His tattoo, his sensuous lips, the peacefulness of his features. His well defined chest caught her eyes. *He must have been working out some the last few months,* she thought idly, resisting the urge to reach out and touch him, to feel his skin.
She stood like this for a long time, her hands almost touching the skin of his bare chest. Her shoulders were sagged, her eyes fixed on his face, taking in every single detail as if she wanted to burn everything into her retina.
Then she leaned over to lightly brush her lips against his. She shivered at the contact. This was so different from every other kiss she had shared with his alter ego in the spirit world. This was cruel reality. This was what she had to prevent.
"I love you, Chakotay," she whispered, tracing the lines of his tattoo with her fingers. She wished once again that this all would work out. She wished she would be able to save him. She had to.
"I will get you back," she vowed.
It took her all of her strength to get her limbs to respond and turn around. The way back, away from him, was hard, very hard. She had to resist the urge to lie down and wait till she shared his fate.
But there was one thing she had to do first. She at least to try to rescue him. If her mission failed, if she failed him, she still would have a lot of time to join him in death.
@ -;--
She concentrated on setting one foot in front of the other as she made her way to the doctor. Maybe this saying goodbye had not been the best thing to do. She was feeling worse than before, but the doctor didn't have to know that. In his opinion she had been close to a nervous breakdown before, so an obviously sad and depressed Captain was an improvement. She looked up to glance into his eyes.
She saw what she had known before: He was watching her carefully, trying to determine her state of mind and health.
Kathryn straightened her back and did her best at smiling. She succeeded in a way, as the doctor nodded at her reassuringly.
She walked up to him until they were face to face. She took a deep breath and then muttered, "Doctor, I need to find out who did this."
"Captain-" the EMH began.
"No," she cut in, waving her hand dismissively. "Let me explain first."
The doctor nodded at her to continue.
"I don't ask you to let me go roaming the ship or overtaking it to track down other enemy ships. I just want to do some research. I will leave my gun alone for now. I don't even ask you to let me go on my own. I want Tom Paris to help me," she pleaded with him, arguing with a passion that surprised him.
The doctor just stood and eyed her carefully for a long while. To Kathryn it seemed an eternity.
"You're not going to allow me to restraint you. You're not going to take no for an answer, are you?"
"I need to do this, doctor. I need to find a reason to go on."
"I understand," he finally said, then called Tom to sickbay.
@ -;--
Kathryn paced the room while she was waiting for Tom to arrive. The doctor glanced at her nervously once in a while probably wondering if his captain was okay or if it had been a mistake agreeing to release her to Paris's care. Kathryn smiled at him, trying her best to reassure him. Everything was all right. She closed her eyes as she thought back to Chakotay's cold body that was still resting in the adjoining room. She had promised him to rescue him once again. She just hoped the doctor hadn't been eavesdropping, but she doubted he had. Even he had some tact.
And then her rescue team was there. Sickbay's doors opened to give way to the Lieutenant. "Tom," Kathryn exclaimed.
"You asked for me, Captain?" Paris asked, obviously not very comfortable with the idea of playing babysitter for a captain who was not exactly mentally stable after the death of her best friend and as he had come to realize now more than ever: the man she loved.
"Yes, indeed. I did, Tom. I need to get out of here. Care to take me for a walk?" She asked.
"Sure, Captain," the Lieutenant replied, offering her his arm.
Kathryn took it willingly as they strode out of sickbay together.
Now the only thing Kathryn had to do was telling him a long story about time travel, second chances and stupid aliens that seemingly made one huge mistake in killing the love of her life and her plans to rectify all that.
Not an easy task to accomplish, but manageable nevertheless. She had done it before. Same conversation, another day. She would get him to take her to Astrometrics. She still had to prove that the so called attack had been an accident.
He actually bought her story as she subtly lead him to Astrometrics. She knew she had won. Now she only had to find out if her hunch proved to be true.
@ -;--
Tom clapped his hands together as soon as he entered Astrometrics getting a questioning glance from Seven. "Now, where will we start, Captain?" he asked with a grin. "We have lots to do."
"I don't understand," Seven began.
"You don't have to. We're invading your beloved Astrometrics. We're going to find out what exactly happened yesterday when Chakotay died. Are you going to help us or are you going to pose a problem? I don't think the Captain can be trusted around you if you don't help."
"I will assist you," Seven decided after she had glanced at her captain only briefly. It had been the logical choice, for death as an option was not desirable.
"Good," Kathryn grinned, encouraging Seven by patting her back. Seven winced visibly.
"She won't bite," Tom whispered.
"I heard that, Mr. Paris," Kathryn hissed.
Tom tried his best to look innocent, and naturally failed.
"What I want to know is what happened after the ship was hit? I need that sensor data. Voyager was practically a dead fish in the water, its command center in chaos, most of it damaged and non-functional. I need those sensor logs. What happened outside Voyager at that time?"
"Searching," Seven replied stoically, as she hammered commands into the nearby computer console. Kathryn closed her eyes hoping that she was right.
"Computer show data," Seven stated finally.
Kathryn and Tom leaned over her shoulder as numeric sequences and tables scrolled across the screen.
"Hold data," Tom ordered suddenly.
"What is it?" Kathryn asked.
"I think I found it. Computer filter sequence 147-32.9 out and analyze."
"Sequence 147-32.9 is an incoming hail for Voyager," the computer voice answered.
"Open," Kathryn ordered suddenly feeling very excited.
The computer did as he was told and a voice could be heard. Kathryn couldn't understand a word of the alien tongue; the universal translator had once again proved not to be universal.
"Computer, can you translate this sequence?" Kathryn asked impatiently.
"Attempting," the voice stated.
Kathryn sat back. This could take a while. She stretched her legs as Tom joined her, slumping down next to her. "What a day," he groaned.
"What a week," Kathryn corrected.
"Yours is worse than mine," Tom grinned.
She smacked him playfully. "Thanks for reminding me."
"You're welcome," he snickered, pretending to be hurt as he rubbed the spot she had hit.
@ -;--
"Done," the computer finally stated. Kathryn shut her eyes tightly. Was it going to be what she wanted it to be? "Play file," she ordered after hesitating for a second or two.
A voice could be heard via intercom. "This is the Jhim'a, please don't shoot back. We shot at you, yes, but it was a malfunction. This is the Jhim'a, please don't shoot back. We shot at you, yes, but it was a malfunction. This is-"
"Computer, stop." Kathryn ordered. She had to fight the grin that threatened to spread across her face. This was the proof. This was the proof that it all had been a misunderstanding, an accident.
"This never arrived on the bridge," Tom sighed.
"No, it didn't," Kathryn nodded, still trying to suppress the grin.
"The communications console was destroyed with this first shot. It couldn't arrive on the bridge," Seven stated blandly.
"And that's the reason Voyager will be ultimately destroyed," the Captain began pacing the room, thinking about finding a way to solve the mess that lay before her. She was now a step closer to the solution, but this didn't mean there wasn't a lot of work and a lot of problems to solve lying before her.
"You will find a way not to have this happen again, Captain," Tom assured her.
"I wish, Tom, I wish."
"You will," he continued.
"Could you take me to his quarters?" Kathryn asked looking up at Tom.
"If you want me to, I will," Tom nodded.
"Thank you, there's something I need to do," Kathryn sighed, letting him lead her out of the room.
"Are you sure you will be fine there?" He asked, concern hovering in his voice.
"Yes, I am sure," Kathryn smiled at him reassuringly.
@ -;--
"Tuvok, can I talk to you for a moment?" Tom asked as soon as he entered the bridge.
He knew Harry's eyes were on him asking what was wrong. He motioned for Harry to stow it for the moment, he would share his findings with the young Ensign later.
"Go ahead, Lieutenant," Tuvok said as he glanced up from the console embedded next to the captain's seat.
"Alone?" Tom added.
Tuvok agreed, as he rose from the seat and strode towards the ready room, Tom following not far behind.
As the doors closed behind them, the Vulcan turned to the Lieutenant. "I will listen."
"Good. We found out that the attack has been an accident. In the astrometrics sensor data we found a hail that never got through to the bridge, for, as you might remember, it was in shambles, and still is, in a way. Here is what we found." He handed him a padd. "Read it and see for yourself. This was all an accident; so more harm can be prevented. I will be on the bridge. Read it, Commander."
"I will," Tuvok nodded dismissively, as Tom fled the room.
@ -;--
A few minutes later Tuvok's voice could be heard on the bridge, requesting Tom's presence in the ready room. Tom gulped, secretly hoping that was a good sign. He turned around to have a look at Harry, who was up to date with what happened at that point. Harry nodded at him in an attempt to strengthen Tom's self-consciousness. Tom gulped, got up and slurped towards the ready room door.
As it opened, he continued into it, trying to determine the look on the Vulcan's face. Being a Vulcan, Tuvok naturally did not show any emotions. His face was unreadable as always. It was frustrating.
Tom hoped Tuvok saw the logic in everything that had happened, since it was hard not to see it. After all, the hail proved that it had been an accident, didn't it? Then why was Tom afraid that Tuvok would object?
He wasn't quite sure why. Tuvok cleared his throat to get Tom's attention and then, presently, began to speak.
@ -;--
As the doors closed behind her, Kathryn took a deep breath. She desperately tried to hold back the lunatic grin that threatened to overtake her facial muscles and failed miserably. Beginning with her usual lopsided grin, it spread into much more. Even her eyes were shining with pure happiness. There was a way to stop all this, she would rescue him. He would live. She resisted the urge to dance around his quarters, trying to calm down enough to think straight.
There was so much to be done to make sure it would all work out in the end, so much yet to achieve. But still, this had been a big breakthrough in Kathryn's task. It had brought the ultimate goal so much closer that it did wonders to her motivation and to her mood. She would succeed. She was sure, she would.
But still, she knew that she couldn't keep those news to herself. Kathryn had to tell someone. She had to tell him. Rushing to the cupboard, which she knew his medicine bundle would be in, she grabbed it and raced to his bed. She jumped on top of it and sat cross-legged trying to catch her breath. She reminded herself that once everything had turned back to normal, she would have to exercise every once in a while, for age and laziness seemed to get the better of her.
She used to be able to do that and a lot more without getting out of breath. Kathryn sighed, as she spread the contents of the bundle out before her. She reached out to touch the akoonah and whispered the ancient words of his people over and over again, until darkness hit her.
@ -;--
She once again marvelled at how real her surroundings seemed. The water that streamed around her feet was luke-warm, just the right temperature for a relaxing swim. The sunrays on her face felt so real, she could hear birds and insects and other animals in the forest and she could hear someone approaching. Weren't Indians supposed to be silent walkers? Weren't they supposed to? She would have to tease him about this later, she decided. Maybe she could throw his inability to start a fire in as well.
Grinning contentedly, Kathryn waited for his arms to snake around her waist. It didn't take him long, as she felt herself being pulled into a gentle embrace.
"Hello, love," a voice tickled her ears. Kathryn enjoyed the sensations that ran through her body.
"Hello, there," she whispered back, finally opening her eyes to look into his eyes. She felt herself getting lost in his brown orbs once again. They stayed like this a very long time, not moving, not talking, just enjoying the other's company and silent support.
Finally, she had to move a little. "My arms fell asleep," she answered his unspoken question.
At that, he grinned sheepishly and released her.
"I didn't say that you should let me go," she teased him as she flung herself at him, causing him to lose his balance.
A thud and a shriek could be heard as they landed on the ground in a tangle of arms and legs. Their laughter filled the air as they rolled around, trying to disentangle themselves until they lay next to one another desperately trying to catch their breath.
Kathryn felt herself being pulled towards him again, until she lay sprawled atop of him.
"What are you trying here, mister?" she asked, poking his chest with every word.
"I am innocent. Whatever you have in mind, I am innocent, dear," Chakotay tried, his evil grin betraying him.
"Well, mister, I only came here to say you that I might hold the real you in my arms yesterday, tomorrow, whatever," her face showing nothing but pure happiness. "I found out that it all was a terrible accident, meaning I can prevent it. Meaning I can at least try to," she added sighing, as she let her head fall onto his form.
His hand snaked under her chin, lifting her head. "Look at me, Kathryn," he insisted. "Open your eyes and look at me."
She did as she was told.
"I trust you, Kathryn. You will make it. You will succeed. And if you don't..." seeing that she was about to cut in and say something, Chakotay silenced her with a finger to her lips. She understood.
"If you don't succeed, I will be here, waiting for you. Simple as that. I will love you always, Kathryn. And I will wait for you until you come and join me."
She felt his voice growing fainter with every word she said. Knowing that she was being pulled away again, Kathryn desperately tried to hold onto him, to hold onto the life she longed to live, with him. She wanted to die that moment. She wanted to stay with him forever.
@ -;--
Kathryn sat on top of his bed for a long time. When she finally moved she was barely able to straighten her legs. She had sat cross-legged too long; they had fallen asleep. Sighing she rubbed them, trying to regain any feeling back into them. The pin pricks that came with their awakening was annoying, but a natural side effect.
As she felt content enough to move, she did so, walking up to Chakotay's terminal. The screen was flashing with an incoming message. Curious at who might want to send a dead man a message, she touched the screen: It was a message from Tom.
**
From: Tom Paris
To: Kathryn Janeway, to be displayed on terminal in Chakotay's quarters.
Subject: Get yourself up here
Captain, we're on intercept course with the enemy ships. You might want to come to the bridge as soon as possible. I suggest a change of clothing and a shower before. No offense, but we have to get Tuvok believe that you're again the woman for the job you had before all this happened. Just a hint.
See you in a few.
Tom
**
Kathryn shook her head. Tom. Paris was back to his usual cocky self. He actually dared to talk to her like that again. She smiled, as she instructed the computer to replicate a new uniform with her specifications. She doubted Chakotay's would fit her. Shedding her clothes on her way to his bathroom, she stepped into the sonic shower, wishing she had the time for a long bath.
Her thoughts were on what was to come as she finished and got dressed, drying her hair in a hurry.
She cast a brief glance into the mirror before she left his quarters. Tom had been right, she had been a mess before. Now she looked refreshed and ready to face whatever came into her way. She just hoped Tuvok would see that as well. She had to talk to the strangers. She had to know what they were like, and more than everything she had to find out if one could negotiate with them. It was her last test run before things got serious for her. Whatever happened now wasn't really important for this timeline, but for the day before. She needed to know if she'd be able to prevent Chakotay's death, and in the end, Voyager's destruction.
@ -;--
As Janeway stepped onto the bridge, she could feel Tuvok's gaze boring into her. He obviously was not pleased to have her on the bride.
"Captain," he stated. As he looked at him, she found that her suspicions had been correct. His eyebrows were raised and for a person who did not show any emotions, he did a very good job at the deathglare.
"Tuvok," she said, smiling as she made her way to the captain's chair he had occupied before she appeared.
"Captain, you have been relieved of duty until further notice, you are not supposed to be here."
Kathryn chose to ignore this comment. "Tuvok, I hear that you are on an intercept course with the aliens. I hereby take command again."
"I have to insist, Captain. You are to be in sickbay," Tuvok started again, not willing to let go of command in order to place it into the hands of a lunatic captain without a fight.
"The doctor relieved me," Kathryn faced him with determination.
"Tuvok to the doctor, is it true that you relieved the Captain from sickbay?" Tuvok immediately inquired.
"Yes," the EMH's voice filtered through the combadge. "She left sickbay a few hours ago under the surveillance of Mr. Paris. I take it she appeared on the bridge?"
"Yes, Doctor, she did," Tuvok stated not without a hint of annoyance.
"Thought so, doctor out," he cut the connection.
One could almost see Tuvok wincing with anger at the doctor's actions. Kathryn grinned at the whole situation, which the stoic Vulcan didn't approve of.
"Captain, I have to ask you again to leave the bridge. You are not fit for duty."
"You have no idea, Tuvok. I am as fit as can be. Do you plan to just close me into a lunatic's ward until we reached Earth? This isn't as things work out here. I need to do this, Tuvok. Simple as that." She knew she was behaving like a spoiltkid but there was no other way. She was serious. Dead serious. At her words Tom had stood up from his console to stand beside Kathryn. "Sir, I've spent the past few hours with her. She is stable and she knows what she's doing. Not to mention that she was the one who found out about the communication. Remember what I told you earlier. Without her we wouldn't even have started searching for it. She is the one to take the praise for it, so she should be the one to established communications. She is stable. More stable than others who are still allowed to do their duty."
Tuvok looked at him questioningly. It was obvious that he was considering his words carefully.
Kathryn knew she'd got him. He just had to see the logic in her actions, he had to believe the truth, he had to let her do this.
"We're within hailing range of the aliens," Harry announced, deliberately not addressing anyone in particular.
Tom hurried to get back behind his console, ready to face whatever would come.
Tuvok stared at Kathryn for a while longer, trying to reach the right decision. Finally, he nodded. He would let her do this. Kathryn smiled at his reaction, her eyes thanking him for the chance.
The Vulcan nodded again as he made his way to his usual position behind his console. Kathryn took a deep breath as she positioned herself in front of the viewscreen.
"Hail them," she ordered.
@ -;--
The first moment Kathryn thought she was looking at a teddy bear. The furry creature that appeared on the viewscreen was made for cuddling, as it seemed. His whole body was covered in a shiny brown fur; his paws showed trimly cut claws. He seemed to have the clumsiness and the gentleness of a stuffed toy.
He face though was furrowed in worry lines; his dark eyes seemed to be very sad and upset. His lips were pressed tightly together forming a little line under his stubby nose. His ears certainly were those of a teddy bear.
He considered the humans for a long while until he began to speak. Nothing but an incomprehensible mumble escaped his lips. Kathryn had expected this. It would take the translator some time to catch up on what he said - to grasp the basic concept of the language.
It had taken the computer longer before, so it would this time.
Some words already filtered through, such as "Jhim'a.... shoot.... Kill... why...."
"I'd say they are trying to ask us why we destroyed the Jhim'a," Tom pondered.
Kathryn silenced him with a half-heartened glare.
"This is Kathryn Janeway of the Starship Voyager. Do you understand me?"
"Understand... am... starship... Can you hear me?"
The translator seemed to have caught up, finally. "Could you repeat that?" Kathryn asked.
"Yes. I am Captain Boa'ey of the starship Oversa, who are you?" The creature repeated, seemingly relieved.
"I am Captain Janeway of the starship Voyager. We are sorry we destroyed the Jhim'a. We didn't know they weren't a threat to us."
"Threat? What do you mean threat? Why would they pose a threat to you?" A new expression graced the alien's featured what Kathryn interpreted as confusion.
"They shot at us, a malfunction in their systems as it turned out. We were heavily hit; the bridge is still not completely fixed as you might see. My first officer died because of this. We shot back and had to discover they were no match at all for us. It was a big misunderstanding. I am sorry so many people had to die."
"So you're saying you didn't do this deliberately?" Boa'ey asked.
"No. Never. We're not that kind of people. You might not believe us, but we found this in our sensor logs. It never got through to the bridge for we were dead in the water."
She nodded towards Harry who played the sensor file. "This is the Jhim'a, please don't shoot back. We shot at you, yes, but it was a malfunction." Could be heard via the loudspeakers.
The aliens face fell and he bowed his head in memory of those who had died in this misunderstanding.
"I am sorry," Kathryn and the alien said at the same time.
"I will spread the word around my people," the furry creature smiled sadly. "What has been done cannot be undone, but we can try to be friends from now on. It seems that our cultures could benefit from one another. We can learn from one another. If you won't mind of course, Captain."
"Of course not," Kathryn smiled. "I'd like that. I will have two of my officers get into contact with you."
"Yes, Captain," the alien nodded in understanding. "Mourn the death of your mate."
Kathryn who had faced to motion Tuvok and Tom to see to this matter swung around in shock, her eyes growing wide.
"He wasn't my mate," she whispered.
"He was in every sense of the word," the alien said in a soothing voice. "I can see it in your eyes and your soul, Captain." Kathryn nodded. "Thank you."
She didn't have to motion Tuvok to cut the connection as the screen was replaced by the starfield cluster as if it had a life of his own.
@ -;--
"Congratulations, Captain," Tom stood up to shake her hand. "I knew you would be able to do this."
The other officers joined in as one after the other expressed their congratulations and salutes to their captain. "Thank you," Kathryn offered, "But I have to ask you to excuse me now." She was about to leave the bridge with Tom by her side as Tuvok stated. "I take it that the Commander's funeral will not be today?"
Kathryn felt her face fall and her eyes water. Did he have to remind her of that? She felt Tom's hand steadying her and was glad to have his support.
It took all her strength to answer: "No. I can't do this today. I am not ready, yet. And with a little luck it will never come to it. With a little luck I will be able to prevent it. And as things progress right now, I don't even need luck. I will just do so," she grinned, watching Tuvok's eyebrows shot upwards once again. There, she had done it. She had shocked him. And she had made him question her sanity once again. She found that shocking the Vulcan proved to be a lot more fun than she had ever thought it possible.
Before Tuvok could get security to restrain her and bring her to the doctor's care, Kathryn quickly fled the bridge.
@ -;--
Janeway was deep in thought on her way back to her quarters. As she stopped dead in front of Chakotay's rooms she realized Tom was still walking beside her. She had been too distracted to even notice. Her thoughts had been with Chakotay and what was to come. Now, she forced her mouth to cast a small smile at Tom.
"Goodnight, Tom," she yawned, turning towards the door.
"Goodnight, Captain. Good luck tomorrow, yesterday." He paused. "You know what I mean."
"Yes," Kathryn smiled, "confusing isn't it?"
"Very much so," Tom agreed, rubbing his temples as if he was fighting another headache, which he probably was.
She nodded once more into Tom's direction as she keyed in the code for Chakotay's doors. They gave way to let her in and she entered, heading right for the bedroom. These days certainly tired her. She felt completely drained, emotionally and otherwise. It took her a lot of persuasion to move her hands and remove her uniform. That done, she crashed onto the bed, not bothering to get under the covers.
She fell asleep immediately, without noticing that her hands sought his cushion and her body tangled in the sheets.
Tomorrow would be THE day for her. Yesterday would be THE day for her. It all depended on the point of view.
By KateF - kathrynf@gmx.net
October 2001
Disclaimer: Paramount still owns Star Trek: Voyager, though I don't exactly like what they did with it.
Author's Note: This story is dedicated to Caffey. Thanks for being a friend I can confide in, thanks for being a faithful JCer. Thanks for actually writing something to the end. Or attempting to, anyway. 8)
Acknowledgements: Thank you to Caffey, Sylvia, Jade and Ala for their input. *hugz* Thank you sooooo much for actually betaing the whole thing, Bex! *HUGZ TIGHTLY*
@ -;-- 1 --;- @
As she woke up, she knew she was in sickbay yet again, as every morning. This had to be the morning after hell broke loose, the morning after Chakotay died. Kathryn kept her eyes shut a moment longer, determining if she should even bother to get up or do as much as open her eyes. The doctor would get suspicious if she was her usual self, actually looking forward to the day to come. She made her mental plan for the day.
She would have to tell Tom everything yet again. She would have to find proof that this really had been an accident, and she would have to convince the doc to dismiss her from sickbay. The last task was the first one she had to accomplish. And she already wondered how she would ever succeed in it.
"Captain, I know you are awake," the doc stated. She heard the steady beep of a tricorder coming closer and then growing faint again.
"What's the diagnosis of this patient?" Kathryn asked, willing her eyes to remain shut.
"This patient was sedated due to a nervous breakdown," the doctor explained.
"Oh," Kathryn sobered, then added. "Can you dim the lights a little? I don't want to open my eyes to those bright blinding sickbay lights."
"Sure," the doc muttered and asked the computer for half illumination.
Kathryn opened her eyes and took in her surroundings.
"Have there been other attacks," she asked as she swung her legs over the rim of the biobed and sat up, using her hands to stabilize herself against the dizziness that threatened to get the better of her.
"Not since the first attack that killed Commander Chakotay yesterday," the doc tested her response eyeing her carefully.
She let her face fall, looking at the ground for a few seconds, and then she let her watery eyes travel up again, tears threatening to overwhelm her.
"The rest of the crew?" She asked, her voice shaking.
"Everyone is fine. The ship is in good care. Tuvok is acting captain, Paris is acting XO," the doctor told her.
"Good," Kathryn sighed, trying to stand.
"Captain, what do you think you're doing?" The doctor rushed to her side.
"What does this look like?" Kathryn asked annoyed.
"You won't leave sickbay just yet, Captain. Not for another day or so."
Kathryn sighed and willed herself to stay calm. "I am fine, really, doc. I didn't want to leave sickbay just yet."
"Right," the doctor stated not believing a word she had said, "What are you trying to do then?"
"I want to see him," Kathryn breathed.
"I don't think that's advisable," the doctor tried to persuade her.
Kathryn cut him off. "I need to say goodbye, doctor. I need to say goodbye in order to carry on."
Sighing the doctor had to admit that he saw her point. His database unfortunately agreed with the captain on this one. Saying goodbye to loved ones helped them to cope. He nodded as he held her arm to guide her into the other room. Kathryn followed him willingly.
Why had she told him she wanted to see him? Why did she do something like that to herself? Could she bear facing him? His pale, dead face? His cold body? She didn't really have a choice, did she?
She had to persuade the doctor that she had a grip on life again, that she would be fine, even when left alone and dismissed from sickbay. So she had to say goodbye - if not for herself then for the doctor to believe.
@ -;--
She stood at the door for a long while contemplating why she was doing this to herself. But she knew she didn't really have a choice if she wanted the doctor to let her go. She closed her eyes, as she braced herself for what was to come. She then clenched her fists and took a deep breath.
She looked back at the doctor who eyed her suspiciously. She could tell by the way he stood that he was not entirely happy with what she was about to do.
Kathryn set her jaw as she decided to cross the threshold. She would prove the EMH that it was the right thing to do for her, that it would help her to get a grip on life and living again.
She closed her eyes again as she took a step closer to the doors hearing them hiss open. One foot before the other, Kathryn forced herself forward. She stopped abruptly as the doors shut behind her. She didn't need to go any further into the room.
*Open your eyes, Kathryn,* she told herself, but it didn't have the desired effect. "Open your eyes, damnit," she growled aloud. There. That was better. Her eyes reacted and she saw the floor before her.
"Raise your head, Kathryn," she snapped at herself. "You can do this, don't be a chicken," she added.
She wondered briefly if the EMH could hear her giving orders to herself and found she didn't care. That was odd, actually, for she usually minded things like that a lot.
Doing as she had ordered herself, Kathryn faced what she had to. Him. If she hadn't known that he was dead she'd have thought he was just sleeping. She covered the few steps to his side quickly to check if it all had been a bad joke after all.
No breath left his lips, his ribcage didn't move. His skin was scarily white and translucent which hadn't been apparent in the dim sickbay light from the distance. Kathryn shivered. The indigo lines of his tattoo contrasted against the pale skin of his face and the greyish black of his hair. He had aged the past years, she realized. Funny how the simple things registered in her mind. His tattoo, his sensuous lips, the peacefulness of his features. His well defined chest caught her eyes. *He must have been working out some the last few months,* she thought idly, resisting the urge to reach out and touch him, to feel his skin.
She stood like this for a long time, her hands almost touching the skin of his bare chest. Her shoulders were sagged, her eyes fixed on his face, taking in every single detail as if she wanted to burn everything into her retina.
Then she leaned over to lightly brush her lips against his. She shivered at the contact. This was so different from every other kiss she had shared with his alter ego in the spirit world. This was cruel reality. This was what she had to prevent.
"I love you, Chakotay," she whispered, tracing the lines of his tattoo with her fingers. She wished once again that this all would work out. She wished she would be able to save him. She had to.
"I will get you back," she vowed.
It took her all of her strength to get her limbs to respond and turn around. The way back, away from him, was hard, very hard. She had to resist the urge to lie down and wait till she shared his fate.
But there was one thing she had to do first. She at least to try to rescue him. If her mission failed, if she failed him, she still would have a lot of time to join him in death.
@ -;--
She concentrated on setting one foot in front of the other as she made her way to the doctor. Maybe this saying goodbye had not been the best thing to do. She was feeling worse than before, but the doctor didn't have to know that. In his opinion she had been close to a nervous breakdown before, so an obviously sad and depressed Captain was an improvement. She looked up to glance into his eyes.
She saw what she had known before: He was watching her carefully, trying to determine her state of mind and health.
Kathryn straightened her back and did her best at smiling. She succeeded in a way, as the doctor nodded at her reassuringly.
She walked up to him until they were face to face. She took a deep breath and then muttered, "Doctor, I need to find out who did this."
"Captain-" the EMH began.
"No," she cut in, waving her hand dismissively. "Let me explain first."
The doctor nodded at her to continue.
"I don't ask you to let me go roaming the ship or overtaking it to track down other enemy ships. I just want to do some research. I will leave my gun alone for now. I don't even ask you to let me go on my own. I want Tom Paris to help me," she pleaded with him, arguing with a passion that surprised him.
The doctor just stood and eyed her carefully for a long while. To Kathryn it seemed an eternity.
"You're not going to allow me to restraint you. You're not going to take no for an answer, are you?"
"I need to do this, doctor. I need to find a reason to go on."
"I understand," he finally said, then called Tom to sickbay.
@ -;--
Kathryn paced the room while she was waiting for Tom to arrive. The doctor glanced at her nervously once in a while probably wondering if his captain was okay or if it had been a mistake agreeing to release her to Paris's care. Kathryn smiled at him, trying her best to reassure him. Everything was all right. She closed her eyes as she thought back to Chakotay's cold body that was still resting in the adjoining room. She had promised him to rescue him once again. She just hoped the doctor hadn't been eavesdropping, but she doubted he had. Even he had some tact.
And then her rescue team was there. Sickbay's doors opened to give way to the Lieutenant. "Tom," Kathryn exclaimed.
"You asked for me, Captain?" Paris asked, obviously not very comfortable with the idea of playing babysitter for a captain who was not exactly mentally stable after the death of her best friend and as he had come to realize now more than ever: the man she loved.
"Yes, indeed. I did, Tom. I need to get out of here. Care to take me for a walk?" She asked.
"Sure, Captain," the Lieutenant replied, offering her his arm.
Kathryn took it willingly as they strode out of sickbay together.
Now the only thing Kathryn had to do was telling him a long story about time travel, second chances and stupid aliens that seemingly made one huge mistake in killing the love of her life and her plans to rectify all that.
Not an easy task to accomplish, but manageable nevertheless. She had done it before. Same conversation, another day. She would get him to take her to Astrometrics. She still had to prove that the so called attack had been an accident.
He actually bought her story as she subtly lead him to Astrometrics. She knew she had won. Now she only had to find out if her hunch proved to be true.
@ -;--
Tom clapped his hands together as soon as he entered Astrometrics getting a questioning glance from Seven. "Now, where will we start, Captain?" he asked with a grin. "We have lots to do."
"I don't understand," Seven began.
"You don't have to. We're invading your beloved Astrometrics. We're going to find out what exactly happened yesterday when Chakotay died. Are you going to help us or are you going to pose a problem? I don't think the Captain can be trusted around you if you don't help."
"I will assist you," Seven decided after she had glanced at her captain only briefly. It had been the logical choice, for death as an option was not desirable.
"Good," Kathryn grinned, encouraging Seven by patting her back. Seven winced visibly.
"She won't bite," Tom whispered.
"I heard that, Mr. Paris," Kathryn hissed.
Tom tried his best to look innocent, and naturally failed.
"What I want to know is what happened after the ship was hit? I need that sensor data. Voyager was practically a dead fish in the water, its command center in chaos, most of it damaged and non-functional. I need those sensor logs. What happened outside Voyager at that time?"
"Searching," Seven replied stoically, as she hammered commands into the nearby computer console. Kathryn closed her eyes hoping that she was right.
"Computer show data," Seven stated finally.
Kathryn and Tom leaned over her shoulder as numeric sequences and tables scrolled across the screen.
"Hold data," Tom ordered suddenly.
"What is it?" Kathryn asked.
"I think I found it. Computer filter sequence 147-32.9 out and analyze."
"Sequence 147-32.9 is an incoming hail for Voyager," the computer voice answered.
"Open," Kathryn ordered suddenly feeling very excited.
The computer did as he was told and a voice could be heard. Kathryn couldn't understand a word of the alien tongue; the universal translator had once again proved not to be universal.
"Computer, can you translate this sequence?" Kathryn asked impatiently.
"Attempting," the voice stated.
Kathryn sat back. This could take a while. She stretched her legs as Tom joined her, slumping down next to her. "What a day," he groaned.
"What a week," Kathryn corrected.
"Yours is worse than mine," Tom grinned.
She smacked him playfully. "Thanks for reminding me."
"You're welcome," he snickered, pretending to be hurt as he rubbed the spot she had hit.
@ -;--
"Done," the computer finally stated. Kathryn shut her eyes tightly. Was it going to be what she wanted it to be? "Play file," she ordered after hesitating for a second or two.
A voice could be heard via intercom. "This is the Jhim'a, please don't shoot back. We shot at you, yes, but it was a malfunction. This is the Jhim'a, please don't shoot back. We shot at you, yes, but it was a malfunction. This is-"
"Computer, stop." Kathryn ordered. She had to fight the grin that threatened to spread across her face. This was the proof. This was the proof that it all had been a misunderstanding, an accident.
"This never arrived on the bridge," Tom sighed.
"No, it didn't," Kathryn nodded, still trying to suppress the grin.
"The communications console was destroyed with this first shot. It couldn't arrive on the bridge," Seven stated blandly.
"And that's the reason Voyager will be ultimately destroyed," the Captain began pacing the room, thinking about finding a way to solve the mess that lay before her. She was now a step closer to the solution, but this didn't mean there wasn't a lot of work and a lot of problems to solve lying before her.
"You will find a way not to have this happen again, Captain," Tom assured her.
"I wish, Tom, I wish."
"You will," he continued.
"Could you take me to his quarters?" Kathryn asked looking up at Tom.
"If you want me to, I will," Tom nodded.
"Thank you, there's something I need to do," Kathryn sighed, letting him lead her out of the room.
"Are you sure you will be fine there?" He asked, concern hovering in his voice.
"Yes, I am sure," Kathryn smiled at him reassuringly.
@ -;--
"Tuvok, can I talk to you for a moment?" Tom asked as soon as he entered the bridge.
He knew Harry's eyes were on him asking what was wrong. He motioned for Harry to stow it for the moment, he would share his findings with the young Ensign later.
"Go ahead, Lieutenant," Tuvok said as he glanced up from the console embedded next to the captain's seat.
"Alone?" Tom added.
Tuvok agreed, as he rose from the seat and strode towards the ready room, Tom following not far behind.
As the doors closed behind them, the Vulcan turned to the Lieutenant. "I will listen."
"Good. We found out that the attack has been an accident. In the astrometrics sensor data we found a hail that never got through to the bridge, for, as you might remember, it was in shambles, and still is, in a way. Here is what we found." He handed him a padd. "Read it and see for yourself. This was all an accident; so more harm can be prevented. I will be on the bridge. Read it, Commander."
"I will," Tuvok nodded dismissively, as Tom fled the room.
@ -;--
A few minutes later Tuvok's voice could be heard on the bridge, requesting Tom's presence in the ready room. Tom gulped, secretly hoping that was a good sign. He turned around to have a look at Harry, who was up to date with what happened at that point. Harry nodded at him in an attempt to strengthen Tom's self-consciousness. Tom gulped, got up and slurped towards the ready room door.
As it opened, he continued into it, trying to determine the look on the Vulcan's face. Being a Vulcan, Tuvok naturally did not show any emotions. His face was unreadable as always. It was frustrating.
Tom hoped Tuvok saw the logic in everything that had happened, since it was hard not to see it. After all, the hail proved that it had been an accident, didn't it? Then why was Tom afraid that Tuvok would object?
He wasn't quite sure why. Tuvok cleared his throat to get Tom's attention and then, presently, began to speak.
@ -;--
As the doors closed behind her, Kathryn took a deep breath. She desperately tried to hold back the lunatic grin that threatened to overtake her facial muscles and failed miserably. Beginning with her usual lopsided grin, it spread into much more. Even her eyes were shining with pure happiness. There was a way to stop all this, she would rescue him. He would live. She resisted the urge to dance around his quarters, trying to calm down enough to think straight.
There was so much to be done to make sure it would all work out in the end, so much yet to achieve. But still, this had been a big breakthrough in Kathryn's task. It had brought the ultimate goal so much closer that it did wonders to her motivation and to her mood. She would succeed. She was sure, she would.
But still, she knew that she couldn't keep those news to herself. Kathryn had to tell someone. She had to tell him. Rushing to the cupboard, which she knew his medicine bundle would be in, she grabbed it and raced to his bed. She jumped on top of it and sat cross-legged trying to catch her breath. She reminded herself that once everything had turned back to normal, she would have to exercise every once in a while, for age and laziness seemed to get the better of her.
She used to be able to do that and a lot more without getting out of breath. Kathryn sighed, as she spread the contents of the bundle out before her. She reached out to touch the akoonah and whispered the ancient words of his people over and over again, until darkness hit her.
@ -;--
She once again marvelled at how real her surroundings seemed. The water that streamed around her feet was luke-warm, just the right temperature for a relaxing swim. The sunrays on her face felt so real, she could hear birds and insects and other animals in the forest and she could hear someone approaching. Weren't Indians supposed to be silent walkers? Weren't they supposed to? She would have to tease him about this later, she decided. Maybe she could throw his inability to start a fire in as well.
Grinning contentedly, Kathryn waited for his arms to snake around her waist. It didn't take him long, as she felt herself being pulled into a gentle embrace.
"Hello, love," a voice tickled her ears. Kathryn enjoyed the sensations that ran through her body.
"Hello, there," she whispered back, finally opening her eyes to look into his eyes. She felt herself getting lost in his brown orbs once again. They stayed like this a very long time, not moving, not talking, just enjoying the other's company and silent support.
Finally, she had to move a little. "My arms fell asleep," she answered his unspoken question.
At that, he grinned sheepishly and released her.
"I didn't say that you should let me go," she teased him as she flung herself at him, causing him to lose his balance.
A thud and a shriek could be heard as they landed on the ground in a tangle of arms and legs. Their laughter filled the air as they rolled around, trying to disentangle themselves until they lay next to one another desperately trying to catch their breath.
Kathryn felt herself being pulled towards him again, until she lay sprawled atop of him.
"What are you trying here, mister?" she asked, poking his chest with every word.
"I am innocent. Whatever you have in mind, I am innocent, dear," Chakotay tried, his evil grin betraying him.
"Well, mister, I only came here to say you that I might hold the real you in my arms yesterday, tomorrow, whatever," her face showing nothing but pure happiness. "I found out that it all was a terrible accident, meaning I can prevent it. Meaning I can at least try to," she added sighing, as she let her head fall onto his form.
His hand snaked under her chin, lifting her head. "Look at me, Kathryn," he insisted. "Open your eyes and look at me."
She did as she was told.
"I trust you, Kathryn. You will make it. You will succeed. And if you don't..." seeing that she was about to cut in and say something, Chakotay silenced her with a finger to her lips. She understood.
"If you don't succeed, I will be here, waiting for you. Simple as that. I will love you always, Kathryn. And I will wait for you until you come and join me."
She felt his voice growing fainter with every word she said. Knowing that she was being pulled away again, Kathryn desperately tried to hold onto him, to hold onto the life she longed to live, with him. She wanted to die that moment. She wanted to stay with him forever.
@ -;--
Kathryn sat on top of his bed for a long time. When she finally moved she was barely able to straighten her legs. She had sat cross-legged too long; they had fallen asleep. Sighing she rubbed them, trying to regain any feeling back into them. The pin pricks that came with their awakening was annoying, but a natural side effect.
As she felt content enough to move, she did so, walking up to Chakotay's terminal. The screen was flashing with an incoming message. Curious at who might want to send a dead man a message, she touched the screen: It was a message from Tom.
**
From: Tom Paris
To: Kathryn Janeway, to be displayed on terminal in Chakotay's quarters.
Subject: Get yourself up here
Captain, we're on intercept course with the enemy ships. You might want to come to the bridge as soon as possible. I suggest a change of clothing and a shower before. No offense, but we have to get Tuvok believe that you're again the woman for the job you had before all this happened. Just a hint.
See you in a few.
Tom
**
Kathryn shook her head. Tom. Paris was back to his usual cocky self. He actually dared to talk to her like that again. She smiled, as she instructed the computer to replicate a new uniform with her specifications. She doubted Chakotay's would fit her. Shedding her clothes on her way to his bathroom, she stepped into the sonic shower, wishing she had the time for a long bath.
Her thoughts were on what was to come as she finished and got dressed, drying her hair in a hurry.
She cast a brief glance into the mirror before she left his quarters. Tom had been right, she had been a mess before. Now she looked refreshed and ready to face whatever came into her way. She just hoped Tuvok would see that as well. She had to talk to the strangers. She had to know what they were like, and more than everything she had to find out if one could negotiate with them. It was her last test run before things got serious for her. Whatever happened now wasn't really important for this timeline, but for the day before. She needed to know if she'd be able to prevent Chakotay's death, and in the end, Voyager's destruction.
@ -;--
As Janeway stepped onto the bridge, she could feel Tuvok's gaze boring into her. He obviously was not pleased to have her on the bride.
"Captain," he stated. As he looked at him, she found that her suspicions had been correct. His eyebrows were raised and for a person who did not show any emotions, he did a very good job at the deathglare.
"Tuvok," she said, smiling as she made her way to the captain's chair he had occupied before she appeared.
"Captain, you have been relieved of duty until further notice, you are not supposed to be here."
Kathryn chose to ignore this comment. "Tuvok, I hear that you are on an intercept course with the aliens. I hereby take command again."
"I have to insist, Captain. You are to be in sickbay," Tuvok started again, not willing to let go of command in order to place it into the hands of a lunatic captain without a fight.
"The doctor relieved me," Kathryn faced him with determination.
"Tuvok to the doctor, is it true that you relieved the Captain from sickbay?" Tuvok immediately inquired.
"Yes," the EMH's voice filtered through the combadge. "She left sickbay a few hours ago under the surveillance of Mr. Paris. I take it she appeared on the bridge?"
"Yes, Doctor, she did," Tuvok stated not without a hint of annoyance.
"Thought so, doctor out," he cut the connection.
One could almost see Tuvok wincing with anger at the doctor's actions. Kathryn grinned at the whole situation, which the stoic Vulcan didn't approve of.
"Captain, I have to ask you again to leave the bridge. You are not fit for duty."
"You have no idea, Tuvok. I am as fit as can be. Do you plan to just close me into a lunatic's ward until we reached Earth? This isn't as things work out here. I need to do this, Tuvok. Simple as that." She knew she was behaving like a spoiltkid but there was no other way. She was serious. Dead serious. At her words Tom had stood up from his console to stand beside Kathryn. "Sir, I've spent the past few hours with her. She is stable and she knows what she's doing. Not to mention that she was the one who found out about the communication. Remember what I told you earlier. Without her we wouldn't even have started searching for it. She is the one to take the praise for it, so she should be the one to established communications. She is stable. More stable than others who are still allowed to do their duty."
Tuvok looked at him questioningly. It was obvious that he was considering his words carefully.
Kathryn knew she'd got him. He just had to see the logic in her actions, he had to believe the truth, he had to let her do this.
"We're within hailing range of the aliens," Harry announced, deliberately not addressing anyone in particular.
Tom hurried to get back behind his console, ready to face whatever would come.
Tuvok stared at Kathryn for a while longer, trying to reach the right decision. Finally, he nodded. He would let her do this. Kathryn smiled at his reaction, her eyes thanking him for the chance.
The Vulcan nodded again as he made his way to his usual position behind his console. Kathryn took a deep breath as she positioned herself in front of the viewscreen.
"Hail them," she ordered.
@ -;--
The first moment Kathryn thought she was looking at a teddy bear. The furry creature that appeared on the viewscreen was made for cuddling, as it seemed. His whole body was covered in a shiny brown fur; his paws showed trimly cut claws. He seemed to have the clumsiness and the gentleness of a stuffed toy.
He face though was furrowed in worry lines; his dark eyes seemed to be very sad and upset. His lips were pressed tightly together forming a little line under his stubby nose. His ears certainly were those of a teddy bear.
He considered the humans for a long while until he began to speak. Nothing but an incomprehensible mumble escaped his lips. Kathryn had expected this. It would take the translator some time to catch up on what he said - to grasp the basic concept of the language.
It had taken the computer longer before, so it would this time.
Some words already filtered through, such as "Jhim'a.... shoot.... Kill... why...."
"I'd say they are trying to ask us why we destroyed the Jhim'a," Tom pondered.
Kathryn silenced him with a half-heartened glare.
"This is Kathryn Janeway of the Starship Voyager. Do you understand me?"
"Understand... am... starship... Can you hear me?"
The translator seemed to have caught up, finally. "Could you repeat that?" Kathryn asked.
"Yes. I am Captain Boa'ey of the starship Oversa, who are you?" The creature repeated, seemingly relieved.
"I am Captain Janeway of the starship Voyager. We are sorry we destroyed the Jhim'a. We didn't know they weren't a threat to us."
"Threat? What do you mean threat? Why would they pose a threat to you?" A new expression graced the alien's featured what Kathryn interpreted as confusion.
"They shot at us, a malfunction in their systems as it turned out. We were heavily hit; the bridge is still not completely fixed as you might see. My first officer died because of this. We shot back and had to discover they were no match at all for us. It was a big misunderstanding. I am sorry so many people had to die."
"So you're saying you didn't do this deliberately?" Boa'ey asked.
"No. Never. We're not that kind of people. You might not believe us, but we found this in our sensor logs. It never got through to the bridge for we were dead in the water."
She nodded towards Harry who played the sensor file. "This is the Jhim'a, please don't shoot back. We shot at you, yes, but it was a malfunction." Could be heard via the loudspeakers.
The aliens face fell and he bowed his head in memory of those who had died in this misunderstanding.
"I am sorry," Kathryn and the alien said at the same time.
"I will spread the word around my people," the furry creature smiled sadly. "What has been done cannot be undone, but we can try to be friends from now on. It seems that our cultures could benefit from one another. We can learn from one another. If you won't mind of course, Captain."
"Of course not," Kathryn smiled. "I'd like that. I will have two of my officers get into contact with you."
"Yes, Captain," the alien nodded in understanding. "Mourn the death of your mate."
Kathryn who had faced to motion Tuvok and Tom to see to this matter swung around in shock, her eyes growing wide.
"He wasn't my mate," she whispered.
"He was in every sense of the word," the alien said in a soothing voice. "I can see it in your eyes and your soul, Captain." Kathryn nodded. "Thank you."
She didn't have to motion Tuvok to cut the connection as the screen was replaced by the starfield cluster as if it had a life of his own.
@ -;--
"Congratulations, Captain," Tom stood up to shake her hand. "I knew you would be able to do this."
The other officers joined in as one after the other expressed their congratulations and salutes to their captain. "Thank you," Kathryn offered, "But I have to ask you to excuse me now." She was about to leave the bridge with Tom by her side as Tuvok stated. "I take it that the Commander's funeral will not be today?"
Kathryn felt her face fall and her eyes water. Did he have to remind her of that? She felt Tom's hand steadying her and was glad to have his support.
It took all her strength to answer: "No. I can't do this today. I am not ready, yet. And with a little luck it will never come to it. With a little luck I will be able to prevent it. And as things progress right now, I don't even need luck. I will just do so," she grinned, watching Tuvok's eyebrows shot upwards once again. There, she had done it. She had shocked him. And she had made him question her sanity once again. She found that shocking the Vulcan proved to be a lot more fun than she had ever thought it possible.
Before Tuvok could get security to restrain her and bring her to the doctor's care, Kathryn quickly fled the bridge.
@ -;--
Janeway was deep in thought on her way back to her quarters. As she stopped dead in front of Chakotay's rooms she realized Tom was still walking beside her. She had been too distracted to even notice. Her thoughts had been with Chakotay and what was to come. Now, she forced her mouth to cast a small smile at Tom.
"Goodnight, Tom," she yawned, turning towards the door.
"Goodnight, Captain. Good luck tomorrow, yesterday." He paused. "You know what I mean."
"Yes," Kathryn smiled, "confusing isn't it?"
"Very much so," Tom agreed, rubbing his temples as if he was fighting another headache, which he probably was.
She nodded once more into Tom's direction as she keyed in the code for Chakotay's doors. They gave way to let her in and she entered, heading right for the bedroom. These days certainly tired her. She felt completely drained, emotionally and otherwise. It took her a lot of persuasion to move her hands and remove her uniform. That done, she crashed onto the bed, not bothering to get under the covers.
She fell asleep immediately, without noticing that her hands sought his cushion and her body tangled in the sheets.
Tomorrow would be THE day for her. Yesterday would be THE day for her. It all depended on the point of view.