Disclaimer: Star Trek Not mine: Oh sadness and stress! This is my last
chapter! It is very long so I have some suggestions for reader fatigue.
Blink and hum Mary had a Little Lamb
Run outside with underwear on your head shouting, "I am the great underwear man!" (It'll be even funnier if you're a girl)
Go find a big building and ride the elevators for a while: if you live out in the middle of nowhere like I do find a big field and sing: The Hills are Alive.
Eat something with cheese or a cheese byproduct in it.
Watch some Star Trek: Original series. – That always works for me.
Ok: Now for the end.
CHAPTER 11
The Final Weirdness of that One Really Weird Day
Eliza awoke to the hiss of a hypo spray in her ear. Her eyes opened to slits, letting in only a little bit of light at a time.
"What happened, Please?" she whispered to the great dark shadow above her.
The shadow replied with the voice of Dr. McCoy.
"Well, We escaped the Bird of Prey, the crazy Klingon on the bridge was subdued by Spock and brought to the brig, Captain Kirk has recovered from his shoulder wound and is whining for me to let him out of sick bay, Dr. Serita took a strong shot of detox and, declared she was going to her room to sleep for a week. She never made it, and had to be escorted out of the storage level after she was discovered there singing 'swing low sweet chariot to a bottle of Romulan Ale, (big breath) aaannnnd you, my dear young lady, have been in sick bay for the last five hours. It's seems your allergic to phasers.
"Oh."
None of this made any sense to Eliza, but at least she didn't feel sick anymore. She opened her eyes all the way.
"Doctor McCoy, What happened to Chekov and Brikosa?"
"Well, Chekov refused to come down to sick bay to let me look at his hands, which were scraped up after he tried to get free from the ropes. It seems he's still sore about that little mishap on the bridge with the hypospray. Your Reigillian friend, however, is one of the most forgiving persons I know. She followed that Kraal character all the way to the brig, asking him if he wanted her to pierce his ears. She claims it will make him look more intimidating, and maybe the next time he tries to take over a ship, that will help."
"I doubt it, he's pretty incompetent as far as Klingon's go.
"Well, it seems that his commander has decided to let Kraal stay in the federation. All of the others will be processed and released to the Klingon empire in due time. Kraal is quite eager to start his own interstellar shipping business, and he has changed his name to Hugo.
"Well, that's good."
Eliza started to get up, despite McCoy's protests. She swayed, and took hold of the bio bed. A similarly disheveled figure was staggering out of the room next door. Captain Kirk looked at Eliza, who was staring right back at him.
"What is this; the day the patients revolted?" cried McCoy in protest, "Both of you get back into bed!"
He was ignored.
"Sir," Eliza declared to the Captain, "I never want to work Gamma mid shift again. I don't care if you have to bust me in rank, I won't do it."
"That's perfectly all right, COMMANDER, it seems you'll be too occupied to be worrying about shifts again."
"WHAT!"
"You've been promoted, Mz. Stanton, and I suggested to the fleet commander that you be given the position of first officer on the Lexington."
"AAAAAAAYYYYIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"Yes, that is what I thought you might say."
Eliza ran around hugging everybody. The Captain was first, and he didn't mind at all until she patted his shoulder. Nurse Chapel, Midshipman Horner, Lieutenant Freeman, and a hug and a kiss on the cheek for Doctor McCoy followed as she screeched her way around the room.
That was when the red alert sounded.
Again
Kirk ran to the Comm unit on the wall.
"Bridge, this is the Captain. Scotty, what's going on?"
"I dunno sir, the engines have stopped, and Mr. Sulu says that we are no longer in our galaxy."
(!)
Spock came on the Comm and explained.
"We appear to have been transported over a great distance in space and time, none of our instruments are registering, and we are unable to locate our exact position."
"I'm on my way, Captain out."
Kirk turned to Bones and Eliza.
"Let's go."
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// //
The trio came on to the bridge to meet a very confused engineer and a puzzled Vulcan.
"Sir," we canna explain what just happened, I just don't know."
"It's ok, Mr. Scott", said the captain as he sat in his seat, "There is an explanation for everything in this universe."
"Even me? Captain."
(!)
Everyone looked around to the figure who suddenly appeared at the center of the bridge in front of the view screen. He smiled and bounced on his toes for a second as the crew stood dumbfounded. Spock surreptitiously scanned the being and raised one eyebrow.
"Captain, this being that we are seeing is not registering on any of the scanners."
"Why of course my dear Mr. Spock, if your puny little toys could tell you who I am, you would understand all that there is to know!"
The figure popped out of existence and reappeared lounging on the science station three centimeters from Spock's face.
"But you don't understand eeeeverrry thing, now do you Spockie!"
"Well, whoever he is," remarked the Captain, "He looks human."
"I agree Captain, he exhibits many of the annoying characteristics that most humans do."
"I believe that is the Vulcan way of saying hello," said the figure as he popped over to sit on Lt. Uhura's console.
"How are you doing, my dear! Not a very nice day for opening hailing frequencies is it?"
"Get off my station."
"Oh my," he said and returned to his original position, "The lady doth protest to much!"
"Who are you, demanded Captain Kirk, "And what is your business aboard my ship?"
"OOOOHhhhhh! What is it with you starship captains? Always demanding. Always ruining my fun. Always worrying as if there is three seconds left in the universe! SIGH."
Kirk scrutinized the odd figure in front of him. He was dressed in what appeared to be a uniform, but it was red and black. Also, the way this man had just said 'ruining my fun' reminded Kirk of somebody else.
"By any chance, asked the captain calmly, "Do you happen to know a being named Trelane?"
"Oh yes, that's right, this was the ship that bumped into my naughty little nephew. I'm sorry Captain, I hope you haven't been scarred for life."
"So, you are a being, similar to him."
"Why, yes I am, but explaining it all to you would be so tiresome. We are a people known as the Q. We live in the Q continuum. My name is Q. So is everybody else's I might add."
Everyone was confused at that.
"Well, said McCoy, "If everybody's name is Q, how come Trelane is called Trelane?"
"Oh, it's a long story. Trelane's parents are somewhat different. You might call them hippies. They indulge that child way to much."
That didn't help matters much.
"But for you, time is wasting. I must remember that. It is so stressful being an all-powerful being. None of you will remember anything of this day after I have finished my purpose here."
"And what is that, may I ask."
"Of course you may, my dear Mr. Spock, but I am surprised to find that you didn't figure this all out already. You are slipping."
Spock's eyebrow climbed even higher.
Oh, I don't want to undermine your scientific authority on this ship. I'll give you a sporting chance to guess.
"Guess what."
"Oh don't be a dolt, guess what your are doing here, guess what I am doing here, guess what is going on in general. Oh this will be so much fun!"
With that the lights on the bridge of the Enterprise dimmed, and then came up again as blue spotlights.
There was a brief moment of music, and the bridge was changed. The captain, and the rest were sitting in the back in a set of rising seats where communications used to be. Spock was sitting across from Q in the center of the bridge, who was wearing a gray suit and ice blue tie. Facing both of them were two screens from which emitted a garishly green glow.
"Our next contestant, announced Q as he crossed his legs and gazed slowly across at the Vulcan whose face looked even more alien in the greenish glow, "Is Commander Spock of the USS Enterprise. Commander Spock has had an exemplary career in nerve pinching unsuspecting crewmen, disobeying orders, fighting with is mommy and daddy aboard his ship, killing his captain, and collecting all eighty thousand Super Green Man collectors edition cereal box tops. Welcome to the show Spock."
Spock's response was drowned out by a laugh track.
"Now, Spock, are you ready to play, Who Want's to Guess What Q is up to?"
"No."
"Oh don't be such a spoil sport, Spock. Look at it this way. If you don't play, the Enterprise will never be released from this temporary dimension that I have created, and you will have to spend the rest of your life on board a ship with a bunch of totally unfacinating humans."
Spock looked at his Captain who gave a slow nod. It seemed that playing this mad man's game was the only way they were going to get any answers.
"Very well I will indulge you."
"The rules are very simple, Spock, I will ask you seven multiple choice questions which will get harder as you go on. You will have three lifelines from which to save your ship from your personal blunders. You may choose to eliminate two wrong answers, call a friend anywhere in the galaxy, and ask an audience member for assistance. I would have kept it to just poll the audience, but with seven people, one dissenter could skew the data. Are you ready to play."
"Affirmative."
"What ever. First Question: What is my name:
A) Billy Joe Bob Dan Jack-Boy (Flashes into Hick costume)
B) Captain Jean-Luc Picard (Back to the odd looking uniform)
C) George Washington (Revolutionary war costume w/ white wig)
D) Q (back to Regis outfit)
"Your name is Q"
"Correct!"
The lights flashed and swooped, and the music came and went. Q was smiling from ear to ear. Spock leaned his elbows on the edge of the chair and steeped his hands.
""Next Question: Where Do I Live:
A) Next door to Barney the dinosaur
B) Never Never Land
C) The Q Continuum
D) On that ugly dry planet revolving 40 Eridani
"You told us that you lived in the Q Continuum."
"Correct! Another point for the Vulcan!"
The lights dimmed again. Spock's stomach was beginning to feel queasy from the constant changing in the lighting patterns.
"Third Question: Which crewman though it very funny to use antigrav pads to bomb the Captain with rubber bands from the air earlier today?"
A) Lieutenant Sulu
B) Ensign Chekov
C) Q
D) The Klingon Commander
"That would have been Lt. Sulu,"
"Correct again, very good Mr. Spock! OOOOOOOk! Folks! Let's move on. Question Four: What is the mission of the Enterprise?
A) To seek and destroy all alien life
B) To seek new life and boldly go yada yada
C) To seek and employ new trial lawyers
D) To seek and assimilate new and improved versions of the female sex into the human race.
"The mission of the Enterprise is to seek out new life and new…."
"Right, we get the picture."
Strange lights and sounds again
"OK Spock: Question five: what newly discovered disease both shuts down the human nervous system and attacks the red blood cells in a period of one hour.
A) Hepesapothioaminia
B) Xenopolicithemia
C) Neurocalisythemia
D) Jack Daniels
Spock paused at this one
"I am unsure of my choice between Hepesapothioaminia and Neurocalisythemia."
In the audience, Dr. McCoy was bouncing on the edge of his seat and grinding his teeth in frustration.
"Do you have to go, or something, doctor?" asked Kirk.
"NO, Dammit, I know the answer to this one!"
Spock finally came to a decision.
"I believe I will rely on your offer to ask a member of the audience for assistance."
"OOOOHHHHH! All right, who?"
"Dr. McCoy."
"Very well, Spock."
Q snapped his fingers and Dr. McCoy disappeared.
Spock looked at Q with as much admiration as the Vulcan within him would allow. So far, Q had been the only one who had ever been able to get the doctor to do that.
"This is just a temporary set back I assure you, said Q to the audience, I sent him to the continuum for a moment so my executive producer could check his background. Can't have any illegal aliens or spies on my show."
With a snap of Q's fingers McCoy reappeared in sandals, kaki shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, straw hat, and a strawberry daiquiri in one hand.
"Doctor McCoy," asked Spock, "What is the Answer."
"Hepesapothioamenia!"
Spock looked at Q.
"I believe the answer is Hepesapotioamenia."
"Are you sure?"
"Quite."
"Can you really rely on the answer of an emotional human?"
"I believe Doctor McCoy is most thorough in these types of matters."
McCoy beamed, "I'm never ever ever ever going to let him forget that one Jim!"
"Correct!" proclaimed Q. "Question Six. I would like to take the time to remind the contestant that he only has two lifelines left."
"I assure you my memory is most precise."
"Oh yeah, what did you tell the captain three years ago when he spilled his coffee on LT. Uhura during an ion storm."
"I told him that emotional embarrassment over spilt coffee was most logical because the situation…"
"Yeah, Yeah, ok, question six. Back in the twentieth century, there was a rock group called the Eagles who split up. What was the name of their first record when they got back together."
Rum and Fun: a tribute to Q
You're still as ugly as when I saw you last.
On the road again
Hell Freezes Over
"I believe that I will call a friend."
"Ok, who do you wish to contact Spock?"
"A Human Professor of History currently teaching a course in understanding Terran's at the Vulcan Science academy. Dr. Keridwen."
"Go for it, but please keep it short," said Q as he handed Spock a cell phone. "The continuum charges outrageous long distance fees."
"Spock dialed a number and soon a voice came over the other line."
"Hello! Who ever this is, you're an idiot! I am in the middle of giving a lecture on the value of the emotional relationship in terran culture. You'd better have a good excuse or I'll come and fricassee your butt!"
"This is Spock."
"Oh, Spock, Hello, what can I do for you?"
"What was the name of the first record that the Eagles made when the got back together."
"Oh, my favorite group! Spock, I didn't know you liked classical music? The name of the record was 'Hell Freezes Over!"
"Thank you, Keridwen. Will I see you on my next shore leave?"
"Of course, - pause- that is if you take your next shore leave before I die. I'll be here at the Academy in my super air-conditioned suite if you ever want to get a hold of me!"
"It will be most pleasurable to see you again, maybe we will have another illuminating conversation about emotion in the terran culture. You are quite an expert in your field."
"Why Spock, you old flirt, of course!
Q was begging Spock to cut the call by this time so Spock said farewell to his friend and handed the cell phone back to the super being."
"Q is going to kill me for that call. This isn't my cell, it's Q's and I promised Q I would take good care of it till Q got back."
(?)
"The Answer is 'Hell Freezes Over'"
"Correct."
The lights flashed and the music came on. Then all was dark and quiet.
"We're breaking for a commercial," said Q, "I'll get going again in a minute."
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Later, after the crew had been forced to listen to advertisements for Q- cola, Q-cheezpuufffss, Q-mouthwash, and what appeared to be a continuum SUV, Q was ready to continue.
Now Spock, are you ready for the final question. This is worth the fate of the crew of the Enterprise.
"I am."
For the last chance saloon, for the whole shebang, for all the moola, Spock, What am I doing here?
A) Annoying the crap out of you.
B) Trying to get Lt. Uhura to go out on a date with me.
C) Fixing a temporal anomaly that will alter the future timeline of the federation.
D) Retrieving a few of Trelane's lost toys.
There was a long pause.
The answer seemed obvious to Kirk. A being with so much power could only be here to cause a drastic problem of fix a drastic problem. If he were here to cause a problem, he probably would have done it by now. If he was here to fix a temporal anomaly, which was the most obvious choice, is made sense that IF the Enterprise was the source of the anomaly Q would have to move it out of existing time and space to fix whatever was wrong.
"The answer is D. You are retrieving your nephews toys."
Everyone fell out of their chairs.
"Spock, are you crazy!" yelled McCoy.
"I do not believe so, Doctor."
Q's jaw dropped to the ground. He retrieved it, screwed it back on, and gaped at the Vulcan.
"How in all of the known, unknown, and theorized universe did you make that ludicrous jump in logic. Are you sure your brain isn't needing a tune up or an oil change, or something? Circuits breaking down?
"I assure you that I am functioning quite normally. Although, how you could allow Trelane to loose an entire Bird of Prey, is beyond my understanding,"
"Hey now," cried the offended Q, "I didn't even want to baby-sit him today anyway. If he can't keep track of his own toys then I shouldn't be the one to blame. I am, in fact, doing you an immense favor. If I hadn't decided to correct this little mess, your galaxies Klingon quota would have rose by twenty-five specimens, and we in the continuum all agree that you have enough Klingons to deal with as it is. And the Klingons have enough humans to deal with as it is, so there. We don't interfere either way, at least not at this point in the timeline."
"Spock, will you please explain!" begged Kirk. He and the rest of the bridge crew were at a total loss as to what was going on. All except for Eliza.
"Oh I think I get it," she cried, "Those Klingons in the brig, and that Bird of Prey we just left at the neutral zone aren't from our universe. Therefore leaving them with us would create an anomaly that would have never happened in the real timeline of today's events."
"Oh, well if he wants the Klingons, he can have em." said Scotty, "But what I want to know is what is he gonna do about the damage to the ship. We have about two weeks of repairs left ahead of us."
"Oh, don't worry, I'll fix your little ship," pouted Q,
"Wait a second," said Kirk, still confused, "How did you know all of this Spock? To my mind it isn't an obvious deduction."
"I wouldn't have seen it either Captain, except for one thing."
"And what was that."
"The power signature on the Bird of Prey was the same as the power source on the Planet of Gothos. I have only recently been able to confirm my suspicions, and I would have informed you earlier had I known."
"Well, YOU did know," said the Captain, turning his fury on Q, "Why didn't you retrieve them sooner."
"You were so entertaining Captain! Death by Rubber Band indeed! Did you really expect me to miss that spectacle you all expertly performed? It was hilarious!"
Nobody was amused.
"Oh well," Q snapped his fingers and a rubber band appeared around Spock's ear. "There you go, Spock, I borrowed that during your match. Had to give the little tike something to play with while I was fixing this big mess. It might have been a bad idea because now Trelane wants one big enough to fling planets from the Delta quadrant at his Quantum theory teacher."
"Spock retrieved the rubber band as the bridge was transformed back to its original state.
"Goodbye fair friends, your will never remember having met me, nor shall our paths cross again. Thank God, because this ship is beginning to make my head spin. Oh! Somebody on your decorating committee must loovvveeee primary colors!"
And with that, Q vanished.
Just as the crew was beginning to forget the events of that day, a faint whisper traveled to them through the fabric of space:
"OOOOH shoot, I forgot to get Spock's autograph!"
**************************************************************************** ********
And that would have been the end of it.
Except for the strange attire of Dr. McCoy, the sorry state of Dr. Serita, the delusions of Lt. Commander Stanton, who insisted Kirk had given her a field promotion, and the vast array of loose objects scattered around the ship. There were rubber bands, paper hats, antigrav pads, king sized pillows, and someone had TP'd the shuttlecraft deck.
"I don't know what is going on in this ship, but I am the Captain, " ranted Kirk, "and I WILL find out."
The senior officers were gathered in the briefing room to discuss what happened. All were present and in uniform except for McCoy who refused to change out of his beach clothes.
"Captain, it may be profitable for us to go back to the start of the day and retrace the events hour by hour." suggested Mr. Spock. "Eventually we will find the discrepancy"
It seemed like a good suggestion, but no one seemed to remember exactly the same events that the person next to them did. Even the Captain insisted there were little tribble like animals in the turbo lift two hours ago, when nobody else had seen them. McCoy ran around the room scanning every ones brain wave patterns and checking the current radiation levels on board the ship. Chekov insisted that he had been tied up by a Cossack with a hypo spray and wouldn't let McCoy anywhere near him. Stanton still insisted that she had been promoted and remembered to tell McCoy to add to her medical file that she was allergic to phaser stuns. Sulu had a vague dream about being a World War Two British fighter pilot. Uhura smiled at the date she had gone on an hour ago with a rather handsome yet slightly goofy looking man. What was his name again? She couldn't remember, but she thought it started with Q.
Eventually they all settled down, realizing that what ever had happened, they couldn't remember it so it must not have been very important. The ship was not harmed and no one seemed to have suffered any physical determents from the strange experience.
"Everyone gets a little space happy sometimes." theorized Kirk after dinner the next night, "It comes with the job, I suppose."
"Maybe humans, Captain," added Spock, "Vulcans believe that there is a reason for everything that happens, whether it is known or not. Vulcans do not get 'space happy"
"Oh yeah!" quipped McCoy, "I don't know about that Spock, there have been a few times where you seemed a little off your rocker to me."
"I see no logic, Doctor, in comparing me to a chair."
Then somebody snapped a rubber band at LT. Stanton's behind.
"Ouch who did that?"
Nobody answered.
Everybody reloaded.
And the Enterprise sailed on.
Author's Note: Thanks to my brother who challenged me to write a story all about rubber bands. As you can see my mind kinda wonders a lot. Thanks to my best friend who was forced to read the entire thing in one sitting. And thanks to the men in the white coats who came to get her after that, they were very nice. And thanks to CHEESE. Without cheese this world would not be a very nice place to live in. EX: Macaroni and Cheese, Cheddar cheese, Parmesan cheese. Cheese Pringles, Parmesan Goldfish, Beer Cheese soup, Havarti Dill cheese, Doritos, PIZZA, Cheese puffs, String cheese, Tacos with cheese, Cheese dip, Cheese melts, ANYTHING STUFFED WITH CHEESE, Cheese nips, Fondue, Cheetos, Provolone Cheese, And the Green Bay Packers.
The End
Blink and hum Mary had a Little Lamb
Run outside with underwear on your head shouting, "I am the great underwear man!" (It'll be even funnier if you're a girl)
Go find a big building and ride the elevators for a while: if you live out in the middle of nowhere like I do find a big field and sing: The Hills are Alive.
Eat something with cheese or a cheese byproduct in it.
Watch some Star Trek: Original series. – That always works for me.
Ok: Now for the end.
CHAPTER 11
The Final Weirdness of that One Really Weird Day
Eliza awoke to the hiss of a hypo spray in her ear. Her eyes opened to slits, letting in only a little bit of light at a time.
"What happened, Please?" she whispered to the great dark shadow above her.
The shadow replied with the voice of Dr. McCoy.
"Well, We escaped the Bird of Prey, the crazy Klingon on the bridge was subdued by Spock and brought to the brig, Captain Kirk has recovered from his shoulder wound and is whining for me to let him out of sick bay, Dr. Serita took a strong shot of detox and, declared she was going to her room to sleep for a week. She never made it, and had to be escorted out of the storage level after she was discovered there singing 'swing low sweet chariot to a bottle of Romulan Ale, (big breath) aaannnnd you, my dear young lady, have been in sick bay for the last five hours. It's seems your allergic to phasers.
"Oh."
None of this made any sense to Eliza, but at least she didn't feel sick anymore. She opened her eyes all the way.
"Doctor McCoy, What happened to Chekov and Brikosa?"
"Well, Chekov refused to come down to sick bay to let me look at his hands, which were scraped up after he tried to get free from the ropes. It seems he's still sore about that little mishap on the bridge with the hypospray. Your Reigillian friend, however, is one of the most forgiving persons I know. She followed that Kraal character all the way to the brig, asking him if he wanted her to pierce his ears. She claims it will make him look more intimidating, and maybe the next time he tries to take over a ship, that will help."
"I doubt it, he's pretty incompetent as far as Klingon's go.
"Well, it seems that his commander has decided to let Kraal stay in the federation. All of the others will be processed and released to the Klingon empire in due time. Kraal is quite eager to start his own interstellar shipping business, and he has changed his name to Hugo.
"Well, that's good."
Eliza started to get up, despite McCoy's protests. She swayed, and took hold of the bio bed. A similarly disheveled figure was staggering out of the room next door. Captain Kirk looked at Eliza, who was staring right back at him.
"What is this; the day the patients revolted?" cried McCoy in protest, "Both of you get back into bed!"
He was ignored.
"Sir," Eliza declared to the Captain, "I never want to work Gamma mid shift again. I don't care if you have to bust me in rank, I won't do it."
"That's perfectly all right, COMMANDER, it seems you'll be too occupied to be worrying about shifts again."
"WHAT!"
"You've been promoted, Mz. Stanton, and I suggested to the fleet commander that you be given the position of first officer on the Lexington."
"AAAAAAAYYYYIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"Yes, that is what I thought you might say."
Eliza ran around hugging everybody. The Captain was first, and he didn't mind at all until she patted his shoulder. Nurse Chapel, Midshipman Horner, Lieutenant Freeman, and a hug and a kiss on the cheek for Doctor McCoy followed as she screeched her way around the room.
That was when the red alert sounded.
Again
Kirk ran to the Comm unit on the wall.
"Bridge, this is the Captain. Scotty, what's going on?"
"I dunno sir, the engines have stopped, and Mr. Sulu says that we are no longer in our galaxy."
(!)
Spock came on the Comm and explained.
"We appear to have been transported over a great distance in space and time, none of our instruments are registering, and we are unable to locate our exact position."
"I'm on my way, Captain out."
Kirk turned to Bones and Eliza.
"Let's go."
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// //
The trio came on to the bridge to meet a very confused engineer and a puzzled Vulcan.
"Sir," we canna explain what just happened, I just don't know."
"It's ok, Mr. Scott", said the captain as he sat in his seat, "There is an explanation for everything in this universe."
"Even me? Captain."
(!)
Everyone looked around to the figure who suddenly appeared at the center of the bridge in front of the view screen. He smiled and bounced on his toes for a second as the crew stood dumbfounded. Spock surreptitiously scanned the being and raised one eyebrow.
"Captain, this being that we are seeing is not registering on any of the scanners."
"Why of course my dear Mr. Spock, if your puny little toys could tell you who I am, you would understand all that there is to know!"
The figure popped out of existence and reappeared lounging on the science station three centimeters from Spock's face.
"But you don't understand eeeeverrry thing, now do you Spockie!"
"Well, whoever he is," remarked the Captain, "He looks human."
"I agree Captain, he exhibits many of the annoying characteristics that most humans do."
"I believe that is the Vulcan way of saying hello," said the figure as he popped over to sit on Lt. Uhura's console.
"How are you doing, my dear! Not a very nice day for opening hailing frequencies is it?"
"Get off my station."
"Oh my," he said and returned to his original position, "The lady doth protest to much!"
"Who are you, demanded Captain Kirk, "And what is your business aboard my ship?"
"OOOOHhhhhh! What is it with you starship captains? Always demanding. Always ruining my fun. Always worrying as if there is three seconds left in the universe! SIGH."
Kirk scrutinized the odd figure in front of him. He was dressed in what appeared to be a uniform, but it was red and black. Also, the way this man had just said 'ruining my fun' reminded Kirk of somebody else.
"By any chance, asked the captain calmly, "Do you happen to know a being named Trelane?"
"Oh yes, that's right, this was the ship that bumped into my naughty little nephew. I'm sorry Captain, I hope you haven't been scarred for life."
"So, you are a being, similar to him."
"Why, yes I am, but explaining it all to you would be so tiresome. We are a people known as the Q. We live in the Q continuum. My name is Q. So is everybody else's I might add."
Everyone was confused at that.
"Well, said McCoy, "If everybody's name is Q, how come Trelane is called Trelane?"
"Oh, it's a long story. Trelane's parents are somewhat different. You might call them hippies. They indulge that child way to much."
That didn't help matters much.
"But for you, time is wasting. I must remember that. It is so stressful being an all-powerful being. None of you will remember anything of this day after I have finished my purpose here."
"And what is that, may I ask."
"Of course you may, my dear Mr. Spock, but I am surprised to find that you didn't figure this all out already. You are slipping."
Spock's eyebrow climbed even higher.
Oh, I don't want to undermine your scientific authority on this ship. I'll give you a sporting chance to guess.
"Guess what."
"Oh don't be a dolt, guess what your are doing here, guess what I am doing here, guess what is going on in general. Oh this will be so much fun!"
With that the lights on the bridge of the Enterprise dimmed, and then came up again as blue spotlights.
There was a brief moment of music, and the bridge was changed. The captain, and the rest were sitting in the back in a set of rising seats where communications used to be. Spock was sitting across from Q in the center of the bridge, who was wearing a gray suit and ice blue tie. Facing both of them were two screens from which emitted a garishly green glow.
"Our next contestant, announced Q as he crossed his legs and gazed slowly across at the Vulcan whose face looked even more alien in the greenish glow, "Is Commander Spock of the USS Enterprise. Commander Spock has had an exemplary career in nerve pinching unsuspecting crewmen, disobeying orders, fighting with is mommy and daddy aboard his ship, killing his captain, and collecting all eighty thousand Super Green Man collectors edition cereal box tops. Welcome to the show Spock."
Spock's response was drowned out by a laugh track.
"Now, Spock, are you ready to play, Who Want's to Guess What Q is up to?"
"No."
"Oh don't be such a spoil sport, Spock. Look at it this way. If you don't play, the Enterprise will never be released from this temporary dimension that I have created, and you will have to spend the rest of your life on board a ship with a bunch of totally unfacinating humans."
Spock looked at his Captain who gave a slow nod. It seemed that playing this mad man's game was the only way they were going to get any answers.
"Very well I will indulge you."
"The rules are very simple, Spock, I will ask you seven multiple choice questions which will get harder as you go on. You will have three lifelines from which to save your ship from your personal blunders. You may choose to eliminate two wrong answers, call a friend anywhere in the galaxy, and ask an audience member for assistance. I would have kept it to just poll the audience, but with seven people, one dissenter could skew the data. Are you ready to play."
"Affirmative."
"What ever. First Question: What is my name:
A) Billy Joe Bob Dan Jack-Boy (Flashes into Hick costume)
B) Captain Jean-Luc Picard (Back to the odd looking uniform)
C) George Washington (Revolutionary war costume w/ white wig)
D) Q (back to Regis outfit)
"Your name is Q"
"Correct!"
The lights flashed and swooped, and the music came and went. Q was smiling from ear to ear. Spock leaned his elbows on the edge of the chair and steeped his hands.
""Next Question: Where Do I Live:
A) Next door to Barney the dinosaur
B) Never Never Land
C) The Q Continuum
D) On that ugly dry planet revolving 40 Eridani
"You told us that you lived in the Q Continuum."
"Correct! Another point for the Vulcan!"
The lights dimmed again. Spock's stomach was beginning to feel queasy from the constant changing in the lighting patterns.
"Third Question: Which crewman though it very funny to use antigrav pads to bomb the Captain with rubber bands from the air earlier today?"
A) Lieutenant Sulu
B) Ensign Chekov
C) Q
D) The Klingon Commander
"That would have been Lt. Sulu,"
"Correct again, very good Mr. Spock! OOOOOOOk! Folks! Let's move on. Question Four: What is the mission of the Enterprise?
A) To seek and destroy all alien life
B) To seek new life and boldly go yada yada
C) To seek and employ new trial lawyers
D) To seek and assimilate new and improved versions of the female sex into the human race.
"The mission of the Enterprise is to seek out new life and new…."
"Right, we get the picture."
Strange lights and sounds again
"OK Spock: Question five: what newly discovered disease both shuts down the human nervous system and attacks the red blood cells in a period of one hour.
A) Hepesapothioaminia
B) Xenopolicithemia
C) Neurocalisythemia
D) Jack Daniels
Spock paused at this one
"I am unsure of my choice between Hepesapothioaminia and Neurocalisythemia."
In the audience, Dr. McCoy was bouncing on the edge of his seat and grinding his teeth in frustration.
"Do you have to go, or something, doctor?" asked Kirk.
"NO, Dammit, I know the answer to this one!"
Spock finally came to a decision.
"I believe I will rely on your offer to ask a member of the audience for assistance."
"OOOOHHHHH! All right, who?"
"Dr. McCoy."
"Very well, Spock."
Q snapped his fingers and Dr. McCoy disappeared.
Spock looked at Q with as much admiration as the Vulcan within him would allow. So far, Q had been the only one who had ever been able to get the doctor to do that.
"This is just a temporary set back I assure you, said Q to the audience, I sent him to the continuum for a moment so my executive producer could check his background. Can't have any illegal aliens or spies on my show."
With a snap of Q's fingers McCoy reappeared in sandals, kaki shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, straw hat, and a strawberry daiquiri in one hand.
"Doctor McCoy," asked Spock, "What is the Answer."
"Hepesapothioamenia!"
Spock looked at Q.
"I believe the answer is Hepesapotioamenia."
"Are you sure?"
"Quite."
"Can you really rely on the answer of an emotional human?"
"I believe Doctor McCoy is most thorough in these types of matters."
McCoy beamed, "I'm never ever ever ever going to let him forget that one Jim!"
"Correct!" proclaimed Q. "Question Six. I would like to take the time to remind the contestant that he only has two lifelines left."
"I assure you my memory is most precise."
"Oh yeah, what did you tell the captain three years ago when he spilled his coffee on LT. Uhura during an ion storm."
"I told him that emotional embarrassment over spilt coffee was most logical because the situation…"
"Yeah, Yeah, ok, question six. Back in the twentieth century, there was a rock group called the Eagles who split up. What was the name of their first record when they got back together."
Rum and Fun: a tribute to Q
You're still as ugly as when I saw you last.
On the road again
Hell Freezes Over
"I believe that I will call a friend."
"Ok, who do you wish to contact Spock?"
"A Human Professor of History currently teaching a course in understanding Terran's at the Vulcan Science academy. Dr. Keridwen."
"Go for it, but please keep it short," said Q as he handed Spock a cell phone. "The continuum charges outrageous long distance fees."
"Spock dialed a number and soon a voice came over the other line."
"Hello! Who ever this is, you're an idiot! I am in the middle of giving a lecture on the value of the emotional relationship in terran culture. You'd better have a good excuse or I'll come and fricassee your butt!"
"This is Spock."
"Oh, Spock, Hello, what can I do for you?"
"What was the name of the first record that the Eagles made when the got back together."
"Oh, my favorite group! Spock, I didn't know you liked classical music? The name of the record was 'Hell Freezes Over!"
"Thank you, Keridwen. Will I see you on my next shore leave?"
"Of course, - pause- that is if you take your next shore leave before I die. I'll be here at the Academy in my super air-conditioned suite if you ever want to get a hold of me!"
"It will be most pleasurable to see you again, maybe we will have another illuminating conversation about emotion in the terran culture. You are quite an expert in your field."
"Why Spock, you old flirt, of course!
Q was begging Spock to cut the call by this time so Spock said farewell to his friend and handed the cell phone back to the super being."
"Q is going to kill me for that call. This isn't my cell, it's Q's and I promised Q I would take good care of it till Q got back."
(?)
"The Answer is 'Hell Freezes Over'"
"Correct."
The lights flashed and the music came on. Then all was dark and quiet.
"We're breaking for a commercial," said Q, "I'll get going again in a minute."
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Later, after the crew had been forced to listen to advertisements for Q- cola, Q-cheezpuufffss, Q-mouthwash, and what appeared to be a continuum SUV, Q was ready to continue.
Now Spock, are you ready for the final question. This is worth the fate of the crew of the Enterprise.
"I am."
For the last chance saloon, for the whole shebang, for all the moola, Spock, What am I doing here?
A) Annoying the crap out of you.
B) Trying to get Lt. Uhura to go out on a date with me.
C) Fixing a temporal anomaly that will alter the future timeline of the federation.
D) Retrieving a few of Trelane's lost toys.
There was a long pause.
The answer seemed obvious to Kirk. A being with so much power could only be here to cause a drastic problem of fix a drastic problem. If he were here to cause a problem, he probably would have done it by now. If he was here to fix a temporal anomaly, which was the most obvious choice, is made sense that IF the Enterprise was the source of the anomaly Q would have to move it out of existing time and space to fix whatever was wrong.
"The answer is D. You are retrieving your nephews toys."
Everyone fell out of their chairs.
"Spock, are you crazy!" yelled McCoy.
"I do not believe so, Doctor."
Q's jaw dropped to the ground. He retrieved it, screwed it back on, and gaped at the Vulcan.
"How in all of the known, unknown, and theorized universe did you make that ludicrous jump in logic. Are you sure your brain isn't needing a tune up or an oil change, or something? Circuits breaking down?
"I assure you that I am functioning quite normally. Although, how you could allow Trelane to loose an entire Bird of Prey, is beyond my understanding,"
"Hey now," cried the offended Q, "I didn't even want to baby-sit him today anyway. If he can't keep track of his own toys then I shouldn't be the one to blame. I am, in fact, doing you an immense favor. If I hadn't decided to correct this little mess, your galaxies Klingon quota would have rose by twenty-five specimens, and we in the continuum all agree that you have enough Klingons to deal with as it is. And the Klingons have enough humans to deal with as it is, so there. We don't interfere either way, at least not at this point in the timeline."
"Spock, will you please explain!" begged Kirk. He and the rest of the bridge crew were at a total loss as to what was going on. All except for Eliza.
"Oh I think I get it," she cried, "Those Klingons in the brig, and that Bird of Prey we just left at the neutral zone aren't from our universe. Therefore leaving them with us would create an anomaly that would have never happened in the real timeline of today's events."
"Oh, well if he wants the Klingons, he can have em." said Scotty, "But what I want to know is what is he gonna do about the damage to the ship. We have about two weeks of repairs left ahead of us."
"Oh, don't worry, I'll fix your little ship," pouted Q,
"Wait a second," said Kirk, still confused, "How did you know all of this Spock? To my mind it isn't an obvious deduction."
"I wouldn't have seen it either Captain, except for one thing."
"And what was that."
"The power signature on the Bird of Prey was the same as the power source on the Planet of Gothos. I have only recently been able to confirm my suspicions, and I would have informed you earlier had I known."
"Well, YOU did know," said the Captain, turning his fury on Q, "Why didn't you retrieve them sooner."
"You were so entertaining Captain! Death by Rubber Band indeed! Did you really expect me to miss that spectacle you all expertly performed? It was hilarious!"
Nobody was amused.
"Oh well," Q snapped his fingers and a rubber band appeared around Spock's ear. "There you go, Spock, I borrowed that during your match. Had to give the little tike something to play with while I was fixing this big mess. It might have been a bad idea because now Trelane wants one big enough to fling planets from the Delta quadrant at his Quantum theory teacher."
"Spock retrieved the rubber band as the bridge was transformed back to its original state.
"Goodbye fair friends, your will never remember having met me, nor shall our paths cross again. Thank God, because this ship is beginning to make my head spin. Oh! Somebody on your decorating committee must loovvveeee primary colors!"
And with that, Q vanished.
Just as the crew was beginning to forget the events of that day, a faint whisper traveled to them through the fabric of space:
"OOOOH shoot, I forgot to get Spock's autograph!"
**************************************************************************** ********
And that would have been the end of it.
Except for the strange attire of Dr. McCoy, the sorry state of Dr. Serita, the delusions of Lt. Commander Stanton, who insisted Kirk had given her a field promotion, and the vast array of loose objects scattered around the ship. There were rubber bands, paper hats, antigrav pads, king sized pillows, and someone had TP'd the shuttlecraft deck.
"I don't know what is going on in this ship, but I am the Captain, " ranted Kirk, "and I WILL find out."
The senior officers were gathered in the briefing room to discuss what happened. All were present and in uniform except for McCoy who refused to change out of his beach clothes.
"Captain, it may be profitable for us to go back to the start of the day and retrace the events hour by hour." suggested Mr. Spock. "Eventually we will find the discrepancy"
It seemed like a good suggestion, but no one seemed to remember exactly the same events that the person next to them did. Even the Captain insisted there were little tribble like animals in the turbo lift two hours ago, when nobody else had seen them. McCoy ran around the room scanning every ones brain wave patterns and checking the current radiation levels on board the ship. Chekov insisted that he had been tied up by a Cossack with a hypo spray and wouldn't let McCoy anywhere near him. Stanton still insisted that she had been promoted and remembered to tell McCoy to add to her medical file that she was allergic to phaser stuns. Sulu had a vague dream about being a World War Two British fighter pilot. Uhura smiled at the date she had gone on an hour ago with a rather handsome yet slightly goofy looking man. What was his name again? She couldn't remember, but she thought it started with Q.
Eventually they all settled down, realizing that what ever had happened, they couldn't remember it so it must not have been very important. The ship was not harmed and no one seemed to have suffered any physical determents from the strange experience.
"Everyone gets a little space happy sometimes." theorized Kirk after dinner the next night, "It comes with the job, I suppose."
"Maybe humans, Captain," added Spock, "Vulcans believe that there is a reason for everything that happens, whether it is known or not. Vulcans do not get 'space happy"
"Oh yeah!" quipped McCoy, "I don't know about that Spock, there have been a few times where you seemed a little off your rocker to me."
"I see no logic, Doctor, in comparing me to a chair."
Then somebody snapped a rubber band at LT. Stanton's behind.
"Ouch who did that?"
Nobody answered.
Everybody reloaded.
And the Enterprise sailed on.
Author's Note: Thanks to my brother who challenged me to write a story all about rubber bands. As you can see my mind kinda wonders a lot. Thanks to my best friend who was forced to read the entire thing in one sitting. And thanks to the men in the white coats who came to get her after that, they were very nice. And thanks to CHEESE. Without cheese this world would not be a very nice place to live in. EX: Macaroni and Cheese, Cheddar cheese, Parmesan cheese. Cheese Pringles, Parmesan Goldfish, Beer Cheese soup, Havarti Dill cheese, Doritos, PIZZA, Cheese puffs, String cheese, Tacos with cheese, Cheese dip, Cheese melts, ANYTHING STUFFED WITH CHEESE, Cheese nips, Fondue, Cheetos, Provolone Cheese, And the Green Bay Packers.
The End