Overcompensation
by Shauna
An attempt at Parody.
Part II
***
***
Gimli sat down on the grass, trying very hard to think the situation through. Legolas sat down next to him, absent-mindedly picking his nose. Gimli was grossed out. It takes a lot to gross out a dwarf.
Boromir, looking sympathetically at both Gimli and Legolas, came over to join them. He put a hand on the elf's shoulder and said, "Listen, honey, if you ever need someone to talk to - "
"No!" snapped Legolas, "Why do people see me and just assume that I'm a loser? Why can't they see below the surface? There's more to me than my looks. Maybe I'm actually trying to help the situation!"
Boromir took Legolas' hand and nodded, but the elf yanked his away. "That's right," said Boromir, "let it all out. It's okay to cry."
Not able to take it anymore, Gimli jumped up and walked towards Pippin, who was sitting talking to Gandalf. Perhaps the hobbit had been able to get something out of him.
"Now, what's wrong with this sentence?" Pippin was saying.
"I don't know," said Gandalf.
"I haven't even said it yet!"
"I didn't know," said Gandalf.
"Well, at least try it. The boys hair was short."
Gandalf looked blank.
"The boys hair was short."
"I don't know," said Gandalf.
"It's missing an apostrophe. Don't you see?"
"Pippin!" Gimli cried, "What are you doing?"
"Teaching him his grammar."
"What? At a time like this?"
"Good grammar is vital! Good - adjective, grammar - subject, vital - opject, is - copula."
"Pippin!" was all he could say. While he stood there, feeling helpless, fortunately - or unfortunately, whichever way you saw it - Sam came up holding a long scroll of paper.
"Their Highnesses, Aragorn son of Arathorn and Frodo son of Drogo request the following - "
"Wait," Gimli interrupted. "Frodo isn't royalty."
"He says to tell you he's the ringbearer and you'll call him what he damn well pleases. Ahem. They request the following things." Suddenly Sam paused and began winking furiously at him. He whispered, "Say no. I'm fomenting rebellion."
"What?" Gimli was getting very tired of saying that.
"Come on, we've got to rise up against the tyranny of the nobility. Join with me, brother."
"I'm with you, sister!" said Boromir, coming up behind them. He was holding Legolas' hand.
"Help me," Legolas whispered. "He tried to braid my hair."
Fortunately - or unfortunately, whichever way you saw it - Boromir had tried brushing it first and his comb had gotten tangled in the dirty snarls.
Boromir tried to hug Legolas. Legolas tried to get away and fell down. Boromir tried to hug Sam. Sam kicked him.
"Sweetie, violence is not the answer!" Boromir scolded.
Almost weeping now, Gimli knelt before Gandalf. "Please, Gandalf, help me. I don't know what to do. Help me before more people start disapearing."
Although, considering, that might not be such a bad thing...
As if hearing his prayers, Gandalf snapped to attention, and began speaking very rapidly, "Listen closely, son of Gloin. In order to escape you must fulfill the one important task, the task so obvious and fundamental that no fanfic writer, however stupid, can lose sight of it."
"Destroy the ring, you mean?" Gimli asked.
"No! Do you know how many times it gets completely left out of the plot? Ring, what ring? Lost it between the couch cushions. Traded it for a diamond ring. Dropped it in my bowl of cheerios and accidentally ate it - but that was just once, mind you, and I was able to perform the heimlich manuver. Destroying the ring? No, of course not."
"What is it, then?"
"The main character has to fall in love with a girl - preferably an indescribably beautiful, half-elven girl who can fight, dance, and play a musical instrument - and sleep with her. Dying to save her life afterwards is probably optional."
"Sleep with her? But Legolas is ugly, not to mention a dork! And Aragorn and Frodo are too busy planning the eigth and ninth wonders of the world to be erected in their honor."
Gandalf looked amused, though Gimli had to wonder why. Everyone knew that Legolas, Frodo, and Aragorn were the only possible stars of a fanfic.
"In the meantime, Gimli, you're going to have to be alert for underused characters and plot devices. Expect the opposite of everything."
"Gandalf," Gimli asked, filled with both hope and dread. "What about orcs? They're overused, aren't they?"
"No, my boy, you certainly won't be facing orcs. You'll be facing... you'll be facing... erm, I don't know. Kraken, or maybe Mewlips, or... oh, light, you might be facing the dreaded Neekerbeekers..."
"Gandalf? What are Neekerbeekers?"
But Gandalf only smiled in blissful ignorance.
"Gandalf? *Gandalf*?"
"I don't know."
***
Note: There are actual evil creatures that go by those names! But be careful, if you look them up you'll spoil the surprise.
***
by Shauna
An attempt at Parody.
Part II
***
***
Gimli sat down on the grass, trying very hard to think the situation through. Legolas sat down next to him, absent-mindedly picking his nose. Gimli was grossed out. It takes a lot to gross out a dwarf.
Boromir, looking sympathetically at both Gimli and Legolas, came over to join them. He put a hand on the elf's shoulder and said, "Listen, honey, if you ever need someone to talk to - "
"No!" snapped Legolas, "Why do people see me and just assume that I'm a loser? Why can't they see below the surface? There's more to me than my looks. Maybe I'm actually trying to help the situation!"
Boromir took Legolas' hand and nodded, but the elf yanked his away. "That's right," said Boromir, "let it all out. It's okay to cry."
Not able to take it anymore, Gimli jumped up and walked towards Pippin, who was sitting talking to Gandalf. Perhaps the hobbit had been able to get something out of him.
"Now, what's wrong with this sentence?" Pippin was saying.
"I don't know," said Gandalf.
"I haven't even said it yet!"
"I didn't know," said Gandalf.
"Well, at least try it. The boys hair was short."
Gandalf looked blank.
"The boys hair was short."
"I don't know," said Gandalf.
"It's missing an apostrophe. Don't you see?"
"Pippin!" Gimli cried, "What are you doing?"
"Teaching him his grammar."
"What? At a time like this?"
"Good grammar is vital! Good - adjective, grammar - subject, vital - opject, is - copula."
"Pippin!" was all he could say. While he stood there, feeling helpless, fortunately - or unfortunately, whichever way you saw it - Sam came up holding a long scroll of paper.
"Their Highnesses, Aragorn son of Arathorn and Frodo son of Drogo request the following - "
"Wait," Gimli interrupted. "Frodo isn't royalty."
"He says to tell you he's the ringbearer and you'll call him what he damn well pleases. Ahem. They request the following things." Suddenly Sam paused and began winking furiously at him. He whispered, "Say no. I'm fomenting rebellion."
"What?" Gimli was getting very tired of saying that.
"Come on, we've got to rise up against the tyranny of the nobility. Join with me, brother."
"I'm with you, sister!" said Boromir, coming up behind them. He was holding Legolas' hand.
"Help me," Legolas whispered. "He tried to braid my hair."
Fortunately - or unfortunately, whichever way you saw it - Boromir had tried brushing it first and his comb had gotten tangled in the dirty snarls.
Boromir tried to hug Legolas. Legolas tried to get away and fell down. Boromir tried to hug Sam. Sam kicked him.
"Sweetie, violence is not the answer!" Boromir scolded.
Almost weeping now, Gimli knelt before Gandalf. "Please, Gandalf, help me. I don't know what to do. Help me before more people start disapearing."
Although, considering, that might not be such a bad thing...
As if hearing his prayers, Gandalf snapped to attention, and began speaking very rapidly, "Listen closely, son of Gloin. In order to escape you must fulfill the one important task, the task so obvious and fundamental that no fanfic writer, however stupid, can lose sight of it."
"Destroy the ring, you mean?" Gimli asked.
"No! Do you know how many times it gets completely left out of the plot? Ring, what ring? Lost it between the couch cushions. Traded it for a diamond ring. Dropped it in my bowl of cheerios and accidentally ate it - but that was just once, mind you, and I was able to perform the heimlich manuver. Destroying the ring? No, of course not."
"What is it, then?"
"The main character has to fall in love with a girl - preferably an indescribably beautiful, half-elven girl who can fight, dance, and play a musical instrument - and sleep with her. Dying to save her life afterwards is probably optional."
"Sleep with her? But Legolas is ugly, not to mention a dork! And Aragorn and Frodo are too busy planning the eigth and ninth wonders of the world to be erected in their honor."
Gandalf looked amused, though Gimli had to wonder why. Everyone knew that Legolas, Frodo, and Aragorn were the only possible stars of a fanfic.
"In the meantime, Gimli, you're going to have to be alert for underused characters and plot devices. Expect the opposite of everything."
"Gandalf," Gimli asked, filled with both hope and dread. "What about orcs? They're overused, aren't they?"
"No, my boy, you certainly won't be facing orcs. You'll be facing... you'll be facing... erm, I don't know. Kraken, or maybe Mewlips, or... oh, light, you might be facing the dreaded Neekerbeekers..."
"Gandalf? What are Neekerbeekers?"
But Gandalf only smiled in blissful ignorance.
"Gandalf? *Gandalf*?"
"I don't know."
***
Note: There are actual evil creatures that go by those names! But be careful, if you look them up you'll spoil the surprise.
***