Overcompensation
Part 3
***
It was when the buzzing first started that Gimli realized how bad this was going to be. He thought he had known before, but really? No. Not at all. Maybe he had had an inkling of a premonition when Boromir suggested playing 'The Thinking, Feeling, and Doing Game', but the buzzing, man, that brought it home.
"What're those sounds?" Sam whispered.
"What *are* those sounds," Pippin corrected him. "Invalid contraction."
"Fine, then, what *are* those sounds?"
"I don't know," said Gandalf.
"I do," Gimli answered the hobbit, shaking his head in dwarven despair. "I bet those sounds come from Neekerbreekers."
"Neekerbreekers?" Sam and Pippin asked in horror. Pippin looked so terrified he didn't even seem to realize he had used a fragment instead of a sentence. Or maybe he did, he also looked slightly ill.
"Wait, you know what they are?" asked Gimli.
"Yeah," Sam replied, "that's our name for crickets. But Gandalf once said they had some particularly bloodthirsty cousins up north."
"What else did he tell you?" Gimli started to say, but all of a sudden the Neekerbreekers were upon them. Aragorn, Boromir and the Hobbits immediately took shelter under Gandalf's robes. Gandalf looked as though he wanted to help, but didn't know how. Shouts came from underneath.
"How dare they suck my blood? Did I give them permission?" cried Frodo.
"They're going to pay! The only way they'll get away is if they've got a royal pardon and," Aragorn scoffed, "they're *so* not going to get that."
"You know what?" Sam said, "My blood's just as good as yours! It flows just as red! Ow!" Sam sounded like he had just had his point proven.
Legolas and Gimli turned to the fight. The elf pulled out an arrow from his quiver, aimed it at one of the Neekerbreekers and fired. With so many of the buzzing insects in the air, it should have been hard to miss. He did anyway.
"I cut my finger!" Legolas cried out by way of excuse.
"How?" Gimli called back, trying ineffectually to use his axe against the bugs. They neatly avoided his swings, no matter how precise he tried to be.
"On the arrow, I think," said Legolas. Gimli didn't want to know.
The bugs were everywhere, buzzing, biting, drawing blood. They avoided only Legolas - Gimli didn't know whether it was because it was compensation for the millions of torture fics or because the elf looked so damn unapetizing.
"So this is it, we're going to die," Gimli said as he once again hacked ineffectually with his axe.
"No, you won't!" came a call from the woods, and a brave, beautiful elf ran into the clearing. "I shall save ye, as I saved Frodo when he had been stabbed by the Nazgul! I shall battle hard, even as I did in the Battle of Fornost!" here the elf paused, and his ringing voice lowered a bit. "I suppose no one will remember this, either."
"Glorfindel!" Gimli sighed gratefully.
Glorfindel began shooting the neekerbreekers with his arrows. When he ran out, Legolas pulled his out of his quiver and handed them to Glorfindel, warning him, "Careful, they're sharp."
Gimli watched in awe as the elf one by one shot down the dangerous Neekerbreekers. Determined to be of some help, he caught a Neekerbreeker in his cupped hands, pulled off its wings so it couldn't fly away, set it on the ground, aimed his axe, swung and killed it. "One," he said with satisfaction. When he went to find his next foe he saw that Glorfindel had finished them off.
Aragorn, Boromir and the hobbits emerged from beneath Gandalf's cloak. Frodo in particular looked scared - Boromir was attempting to give him crisis counseling. Aragorn stood before Glorfindel and said gravely, "I am indebted to you, as are all my people. How might I reward you? Would you like a captainship? An ambassador ship?" His eyes lit up and he shoved Sam forward. "A serf?"
"Hey!" cried Sam.
Glorfindel looked at everyone like them like they were insane. "What's going on, Mithrandir?" the elf asked, turning with too much trust to the wizard. "Mithrandir?"
"I don't know," Gandalf said.
"Gandalf said before that we were caught in a... what did he say, a fanned fick?" Gimli said. Glorfindel spun around and looked at him in horror. Gimli asked, "So you know what that is?"
"No," said Glorfindel, "but it sounds deadly. Go on, what else did Gandalf say?"
"That it was overcompensation for something. And to expect the opposite of everything. But I don't know what to do! Swarms of bugs are attacking us, and members of the company are disapearing, and we haven't even started on the quest - "
"Why haven't you?" Glorfindel interjected.
"We don't have the supplies. Do you know how long it takes to get to Hollin? Months... years! We'll all look like Gandalf by the time we get there. Besides, in one of his more helpful moments he said it wasn't important."
Glorfindel thought for a moment, then said, "Why don't you go see Elrond?"
Elrond! The tough, wise, sensible Elrond he knew would be able to handle this.
Wait a minute. The Elrond he knew?
Uh-oh.
***
Elrond Halfelven was waiting for them. He took one look at their sorry state - dirty, bugbitten, tired - and began to laugh. Gimli was offended, but not surprised. He was getting cynical in his old age.
Legolas, obviously wanting to slap some sense into the elven lord, pushed his way to the front, but when Elrond saw him he doubled over again.
"Excuse me!" Legolas said, hurt.
Elrond could not contain himself. "What happened to you guys? You fall in an ugly pit?"
"Elrond, this is hardly the time - "
But the elf lord began to chant. "U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi you're ugly, yeah, yeah, you're ugly!"
Gimli and Glorfindel just stared.
"You haven't got any alibi," Pippin piped up.
"What?"
"You haven't got any alibi," Pippin repeated.
Elrond waved a hand in dismissal. "Whatever."
Gimli reached out and moved the poor hobbit away from Elrond. Boromir whispered to him, "I think Frodo has gone missing, too."
Groaning, Gimli looked and realized that there were only seven companions, plus Glorfindel.
Elrond seemed to be trying to count them as well, but he sounded uncertain when he said, "I think there are still nine of you."
"Can't you even count?" Gimli asked.
"Who needs counting? Besides, I don't see why you need
nine companions. It's not like it's symbolic or anything. It's not important."
"Yes it is! It is important! Frodo's got the ring!"
This seemed to get through to Elrond. Suddenly he looked small and very frightened. "He has the... ring?"
"No, he doesn't!" cried Sam, and they all turned to him. "I've got it." He glared defensively at no one in particular. "I have a right, don't I?"
"You just took the ring?" Legolas asked. "I can't believe this. Does no one remember that we're supposed to be on a quest? A *quest*? You can't just go around stealing rings."
Elrond smirked. "Whatever you say, Ugholas."
"What?"
"That's what I'm going to rename you, if you don't shut up. Ugholas. I can do it, you know. I'm an elf lord."
Legolas looked like he was going to cry. "That isn't even an elven name."
"Who needs Elven names? I bet we'd all be better off if we didn't use elven names - " he started to say, but Aragorn cut him off.
"You don't get to change people's names. I do! I'm the king!"
"Well, I'm an elf lord. Beat that with a stick."
"Pointy-eared pansy!"
"You wanna step outside?"
"You bet I do."
The two walked towards the door, shooting angry glances at eachother. As they passed through, Aragorn halted and asked, "Arm wrestling?"
Elrond nodded. "To the death."
Everyone else shrugged and followed them outside. Everyone except Gimli, that is. He was too busy wondering how it could possibly get worse.
***
Part 3
***
It was when the buzzing first started that Gimli realized how bad this was going to be. He thought he had known before, but really? No. Not at all. Maybe he had had an inkling of a premonition when Boromir suggested playing 'The Thinking, Feeling, and Doing Game', but the buzzing, man, that brought it home.
"What're those sounds?" Sam whispered.
"What *are* those sounds," Pippin corrected him. "Invalid contraction."
"Fine, then, what *are* those sounds?"
"I don't know," said Gandalf.
"I do," Gimli answered the hobbit, shaking his head in dwarven despair. "I bet those sounds come from Neekerbreekers."
"Neekerbreekers?" Sam and Pippin asked in horror. Pippin looked so terrified he didn't even seem to realize he had used a fragment instead of a sentence. Or maybe he did, he also looked slightly ill.
"Wait, you know what they are?" asked Gimli.
"Yeah," Sam replied, "that's our name for crickets. But Gandalf once said they had some particularly bloodthirsty cousins up north."
"What else did he tell you?" Gimli started to say, but all of a sudden the Neekerbreekers were upon them. Aragorn, Boromir and the Hobbits immediately took shelter under Gandalf's robes. Gandalf looked as though he wanted to help, but didn't know how. Shouts came from underneath.
"How dare they suck my blood? Did I give them permission?" cried Frodo.
"They're going to pay! The only way they'll get away is if they've got a royal pardon and," Aragorn scoffed, "they're *so* not going to get that."
"You know what?" Sam said, "My blood's just as good as yours! It flows just as red! Ow!" Sam sounded like he had just had his point proven.
Legolas and Gimli turned to the fight. The elf pulled out an arrow from his quiver, aimed it at one of the Neekerbreekers and fired. With so many of the buzzing insects in the air, it should have been hard to miss. He did anyway.
"I cut my finger!" Legolas cried out by way of excuse.
"How?" Gimli called back, trying ineffectually to use his axe against the bugs. They neatly avoided his swings, no matter how precise he tried to be.
"On the arrow, I think," said Legolas. Gimli didn't want to know.
The bugs were everywhere, buzzing, biting, drawing blood. They avoided only Legolas - Gimli didn't know whether it was because it was compensation for the millions of torture fics or because the elf looked so damn unapetizing.
"So this is it, we're going to die," Gimli said as he once again hacked ineffectually with his axe.
"No, you won't!" came a call from the woods, and a brave, beautiful elf ran into the clearing. "I shall save ye, as I saved Frodo when he had been stabbed by the Nazgul! I shall battle hard, even as I did in the Battle of Fornost!" here the elf paused, and his ringing voice lowered a bit. "I suppose no one will remember this, either."
"Glorfindel!" Gimli sighed gratefully.
Glorfindel began shooting the neekerbreekers with his arrows. When he ran out, Legolas pulled his out of his quiver and handed them to Glorfindel, warning him, "Careful, they're sharp."
Gimli watched in awe as the elf one by one shot down the dangerous Neekerbreekers. Determined to be of some help, he caught a Neekerbreeker in his cupped hands, pulled off its wings so it couldn't fly away, set it on the ground, aimed his axe, swung and killed it. "One," he said with satisfaction. When he went to find his next foe he saw that Glorfindel had finished them off.
Aragorn, Boromir and the hobbits emerged from beneath Gandalf's cloak. Frodo in particular looked scared - Boromir was attempting to give him crisis counseling. Aragorn stood before Glorfindel and said gravely, "I am indebted to you, as are all my people. How might I reward you? Would you like a captainship? An ambassador ship?" His eyes lit up and he shoved Sam forward. "A serf?"
"Hey!" cried Sam.
Glorfindel looked at everyone like them like they were insane. "What's going on, Mithrandir?" the elf asked, turning with too much trust to the wizard. "Mithrandir?"
"I don't know," Gandalf said.
"Gandalf said before that we were caught in a... what did he say, a fanned fick?" Gimli said. Glorfindel spun around and looked at him in horror. Gimli asked, "So you know what that is?"
"No," said Glorfindel, "but it sounds deadly. Go on, what else did Gandalf say?"
"That it was overcompensation for something. And to expect the opposite of everything. But I don't know what to do! Swarms of bugs are attacking us, and members of the company are disapearing, and we haven't even started on the quest - "
"Why haven't you?" Glorfindel interjected.
"We don't have the supplies. Do you know how long it takes to get to Hollin? Months... years! We'll all look like Gandalf by the time we get there. Besides, in one of his more helpful moments he said it wasn't important."
Glorfindel thought for a moment, then said, "Why don't you go see Elrond?"
Elrond! The tough, wise, sensible Elrond he knew would be able to handle this.
Wait a minute. The Elrond he knew?
Uh-oh.
***
Elrond Halfelven was waiting for them. He took one look at their sorry state - dirty, bugbitten, tired - and began to laugh. Gimli was offended, but not surprised. He was getting cynical in his old age.
Legolas, obviously wanting to slap some sense into the elven lord, pushed his way to the front, but when Elrond saw him he doubled over again.
"Excuse me!" Legolas said, hurt.
Elrond could not contain himself. "What happened to you guys? You fall in an ugly pit?"
"Elrond, this is hardly the time - "
But the elf lord began to chant. "U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi you're ugly, yeah, yeah, you're ugly!"
Gimli and Glorfindel just stared.
"You haven't got any alibi," Pippin piped up.
"What?"
"You haven't got any alibi," Pippin repeated.
Elrond waved a hand in dismissal. "Whatever."
Gimli reached out and moved the poor hobbit away from Elrond. Boromir whispered to him, "I think Frodo has gone missing, too."
Groaning, Gimli looked and realized that there were only seven companions, plus Glorfindel.
Elrond seemed to be trying to count them as well, but he sounded uncertain when he said, "I think there are still nine of you."
"Can't you even count?" Gimli asked.
"Who needs counting? Besides, I don't see why you need
nine companions. It's not like it's symbolic or anything. It's not important."
"Yes it is! It is important! Frodo's got the ring!"
This seemed to get through to Elrond. Suddenly he looked small and very frightened. "He has the... ring?"
"No, he doesn't!" cried Sam, and they all turned to him. "I've got it." He glared defensively at no one in particular. "I have a right, don't I?"
"You just took the ring?" Legolas asked. "I can't believe this. Does no one remember that we're supposed to be on a quest? A *quest*? You can't just go around stealing rings."
Elrond smirked. "Whatever you say, Ugholas."
"What?"
"That's what I'm going to rename you, if you don't shut up. Ugholas. I can do it, you know. I'm an elf lord."
Legolas looked like he was going to cry. "That isn't even an elven name."
"Who needs Elven names? I bet we'd all be better off if we didn't use elven names - " he started to say, but Aragorn cut him off.
"You don't get to change people's names. I do! I'm the king!"
"Well, I'm an elf lord. Beat that with a stick."
"Pointy-eared pansy!"
"You wanna step outside?"
"You bet I do."
The two walked towards the door, shooting angry glances at eachother. As they passed through, Aragorn halted and asked, "Arm wrestling?"
Elrond nodded. "To the death."
Everyone else shrugged and followed them outside. Everyone except Gimli, that is. He was too busy wondering how it could possibly get worse.
***