Overcompensation
Part 4
The Search for Mary Sue
***
Glorfindel came back inside just a moment later, dragging Gandalf with him. "I don't believe this," he said. "Has the world gone insane?"
"Yes," Gimli said solemnly. "It certainly has."
"Well, how can we get it back?"
"Gandalf said that the star of the story has to sleep with a Maria - a Mary Anna - with Merry - no that, can't be right. With a Maia? No, that's not it, either."
"A Mary Sue, you fool of a dwarf! A self-insert! A non-canon character!" Gandalf said suddenly, then he got a blank look on his face again.
"How does one go about finding one?" Gimli asked.
"I don't know," said Gandalf.
"I know!" Glorfindel said suddenly, his eyes lighting up.
"You do?"
"We'll have a party!"
"A party? What good will that do?"
"We'll invite hundreds of people," Glorfindel said like it was obvious. "Some of them are going to have to be Mary Sues."
Gandalf was shaking his head as though he found this amusing. Gimli was beginning to get suspicious of the wizard's ill-timed lapses into stupidity. Then again, the dwarf thought, maybe it made up for all the incredibly providential things that usually happened to advance plots.
"Gimli, are you listening to me?" Glorfindel was asking.
"Yeah, it's as good an idea as any, I suppose," Gimli replied. "Let's go tell the others."
When they got outside, they found that Elrond had swiftly beaten Aragorn and was now doing a victory dance. He clapped his hands together, jumped into the air, wagged his butt, and hurled an invisible object at the ground. "Boo - yeah!" the elf lord shouted.
Gimli was deeply disturbed. Aragorn just sat there rubbing an injured arm, muttering that he had been cheated.
"Ahem!" Gimli cleared his throat, and they all turned around to look at him. Gimli was actually starting to like the way he could instantly command their attention. He never had that ability before. "Tonight we are going to have a party."
"A party? How horrible," Pippin said, and Sam nodded, adding, "Don't make it a dinner party. Don't make it worse by adding food."
"A party?" Boromir squealed, and Legolas groaned, "Oh, no."
"Is it like a prom?" Aragorn asked rapturously, getting up from the ground.
"Maybe..." Gimli said warily. "Why?"
"Can I be the prom king?"
"Yes, Aragorn. Yes, you can."
Meanwhile, Boromir had dragged Legolas off down a coridor, exclaiming that they were going shopping for party clothes and that he was going to raise the elf's self-esteem if it killed him.
The rest of the group pondered the news with relative equanimity, although Elrond made some pointed remarks about how Aragorn could be prom king if he wanted but Elrond was lord of the frat party. Then Sam said that they should hold elections, after all, that was only "right".
Gimli went to go plan.
***
Gimli surveyed the Rivendell ballroom (right next to the Rivendell Karaoke bar), looking at all the various people (and elves, and dwarves, and hobbits, and ents, and eagles, and dragons and... well, you get the picture). How could every single one of them be an actual character? Although, it was possible, Gimli thought. The proportion of ten men to every woman was about right.
Oh, well, he had to start sometime.
He began walking through the crowds and asking people for their names and positions in the story.
One woman dressed in fish-net stockings whispered to him in a sultry voice, "Varda, darling. They had to start inviting the Valar to come so that the women wouldn't be completely outnumbered. Would you like to dance? I promise Manwe won't get jealous and smite you."
"Um... thanks, but no thanks," Gimli replied, and backed away. A god? He had to go leave a *god* to find a Mary Sue?
"Dwarf like dance?" said a loud, gruff voice from behind him, and Gimli turned, startled. "Ghan-buri-ghan will dance with dwarf!"
"No, thank you," Gimli assured him, and backed away much quicker this time.
He continued that way for most of the night. The others seemed to be having a good time of it - Glorfindel and Aragorn had met their namesakes and the latter one was getting an earful of advice on kingship. Gollum and a haughty elf that gave his name as Feanor were arguing over the relative merits of rings of powers versus Silmarils. A dainty little maiden named Eowyn was giggling and getting drunk in the corner.
"Any luck?" Glorfindel asked as the evening wore down.
"No," Gimli sighed. "Nothing. Everyone seems to be an actual person. I went around asking all their names - the women first, of course, but then the men. Because, " he shifted uncomfortably, "you never can tell. What's going to happen to all these people?"
"They'll go home, I suppose. You know what, Gimli? We need to aim bigger."
"Not another party?" Gimli eyes Legolas sympathetically. The poor elf was sparkling - not with an elven glow but with massive amounts of boromir-applied glitter that did nothing to hide his scowling, ugly face.
"No. I was thinking... maybe a war?"
***
"Wow," said Gimli, looking over the vast army. "There's got to be a Mary Sue in there somewhere."
Gandalf had found another plot island, but he sure was cranky. "You idiot! First you blithely suggest that there aren't enough lord of the rings characters to fill a ballroom and now you're trying to outwit whoever's behind all this by starting a war? It won't work!"
"B-but-" Gimli stuttered, "surely there aren't that many - "
"You forgot about crossovers!"
All in all, Gimli talked to a large number of fictional high school students making incomprehensible pop-culture references, a slightly smaller number of aliens and vampires, several lawyers, some superheroes, a bunch of men dressed in green telling bad puns and claiming they were doctors and seven more men with strange accents claiming they were *the* doctor. He accepted their claims, but sent the last few to Pippin for an explanation of the proper application of articles in a sentence.
Tired as he was, he still found it in himself to pat Glorfindel's should consolingly. "I think it was a good idea, no matter what Gandalf said. You couldn't have known this would happen."
"Yeah," Glorfindel said glumly. "Only, what should we do now?"
"Admit defeat," said Gimli. He gestured to where Aragorn was trying to woo Princess Leia. "This? This is just sadistic. Why even bother? Whoever's doing this is sick."
Glorfindel and Gimli walked around, gathering the remaining members of the company to tell them of his decision. As he opened his mouth to speak, however, there was a flash of white light.
A girl appeared. "God, you're gorgeous," Gimli whispered, immediately taken by her. She was wonderfully stout and thick, her face beautiful and wide, and when she saw him she gave him a great hairy grin.
"Hello," she said in a deep dwarven voice. "My name is Shauna but you can call me Mary Sue."
"Erm..." said Gimli.
"So," she said, wiggling her unibrow. "Should we go get better acquainted?"
Gimli's heart (and other parts of him) yearned desperately to go with her, but he bit his lip and said, "No."
"What do you mean, no?" Shauna said, startled.
"No. It's a matter of principle."
"A matter of principle?" she echoed.
"After what you've done to my friends, how can you think I would want you? You've made my life miserable. Look what you did to Elrond. Look what you did to Aragorn," his voice became slightly hysterical. "Look what you did to Legolas!"
Gimli gathered steam as he went, and soon his companions came and stood behind him, looking menacing. Shauna glanced around nervously at the mass of people closing in on her.
"Wait! Wait! I'm a Mary Sue! Isn't anybody going to protect me?"
Boromir smirked. "You wrote this, sister."
Comprehension dawned on Shauna's face. Shooting a look of unadultered lust at Gimli, she disapeared. A pile of angry Lord of the Rings characters piled onto where she had just been.
When Legolas, who had been stuck on the bottom of the pile, finally got up, he held a crumpled piece of paper in his hand. He squinted at it, squinted at it again, and then sighed and handed it to Gandalf.
"What does it say?" Gimli asked. "Why can't he read it?"
"Obviously, this is compensation for the incredible linguistic talents that people miraculously have in bad fanfics. It says, 'This isn't over'."
Gimli pondered that a moment, then asked, "Wait... how come you can read it?"
He recieved a withering glare. "Because this is a plot island and I'm Gandalf. Got that?"
"You don't have to be so harsh," Gimli retorted. "Fat lot of help you've been. Tell me what you'd do differently!"
"I don't know."
Gandalf looked as though he was going to cry. Boromir looked as though he were going to scold Gimli for making Gandalf cry. Gimli thought he was going to start crying himself. Instead he walked away.
"Help," he whispered to the stars. "If anyone can hear me besides that horrid Mary Sue... Have pity on this poor old dwarf. Save me somehow. Save me."
***
Part 4
The Search for Mary Sue
***
Glorfindel came back inside just a moment later, dragging Gandalf with him. "I don't believe this," he said. "Has the world gone insane?"
"Yes," Gimli said solemnly. "It certainly has."
"Well, how can we get it back?"
"Gandalf said that the star of the story has to sleep with a Maria - a Mary Anna - with Merry - no that, can't be right. With a Maia? No, that's not it, either."
"A Mary Sue, you fool of a dwarf! A self-insert! A non-canon character!" Gandalf said suddenly, then he got a blank look on his face again.
"How does one go about finding one?" Gimli asked.
"I don't know," said Gandalf.
"I know!" Glorfindel said suddenly, his eyes lighting up.
"You do?"
"We'll have a party!"
"A party? What good will that do?"
"We'll invite hundreds of people," Glorfindel said like it was obvious. "Some of them are going to have to be Mary Sues."
Gandalf was shaking his head as though he found this amusing. Gimli was beginning to get suspicious of the wizard's ill-timed lapses into stupidity. Then again, the dwarf thought, maybe it made up for all the incredibly providential things that usually happened to advance plots.
"Gimli, are you listening to me?" Glorfindel was asking.
"Yeah, it's as good an idea as any, I suppose," Gimli replied. "Let's go tell the others."
When they got outside, they found that Elrond had swiftly beaten Aragorn and was now doing a victory dance. He clapped his hands together, jumped into the air, wagged his butt, and hurled an invisible object at the ground. "Boo - yeah!" the elf lord shouted.
Gimli was deeply disturbed. Aragorn just sat there rubbing an injured arm, muttering that he had been cheated.
"Ahem!" Gimli cleared his throat, and they all turned around to look at him. Gimli was actually starting to like the way he could instantly command their attention. He never had that ability before. "Tonight we are going to have a party."
"A party? How horrible," Pippin said, and Sam nodded, adding, "Don't make it a dinner party. Don't make it worse by adding food."
"A party?" Boromir squealed, and Legolas groaned, "Oh, no."
"Is it like a prom?" Aragorn asked rapturously, getting up from the ground.
"Maybe..." Gimli said warily. "Why?"
"Can I be the prom king?"
"Yes, Aragorn. Yes, you can."
Meanwhile, Boromir had dragged Legolas off down a coridor, exclaiming that they were going shopping for party clothes and that he was going to raise the elf's self-esteem if it killed him.
The rest of the group pondered the news with relative equanimity, although Elrond made some pointed remarks about how Aragorn could be prom king if he wanted but Elrond was lord of the frat party. Then Sam said that they should hold elections, after all, that was only "right".
Gimli went to go plan.
***
Gimli surveyed the Rivendell ballroom (right next to the Rivendell Karaoke bar), looking at all the various people (and elves, and dwarves, and hobbits, and ents, and eagles, and dragons and... well, you get the picture). How could every single one of them be an actual character? Although, it was possible, Gimli thought. The proportion of ten men to every woman was about right.
Oh, well, he had to start sometime.
He began walking through the crowds and asking people for their names and positions in the story.
One woman dressed in fish-net stockings whispered to him in a sultry voice, "Varda, darling. They had to start inviting the Valar to come so that the women wouldn't be completely outnumbered. Would you like to dance? I promise Manwe won't get jealous and smite you."
"Um... thanks, but no thanks," Gimli replied, and backed away. A god? He had to go leave a *god* to find a Mary Sue?
"Dwarf like dance?" said a loud, gruff voice from behind him, and Gimli turned, startled. "Ghan-buri-ghan will dance with dwarf!"
"No, thank you," Gimli assured him, and backed away much quicker this time.
He continued that way for most of the night. The others seemed to be having a good time of it - Glorfindel and Aragorn had met their namesakes and the latter one was getting an earful of advice on kingship. Gollum and a haughty elf that gave his name as Feanor were arguing over the relative merits of rings of powers versus Silmarils. A dainty little maiden named Eowyn was giggling and getting drunk in the corner.
"Any luck?" Glorfindel asked as the evening wore down.
"No," Gimli sighed. "Nothing. Everyone seems to be an actual person. I went around asking all their names - the women first, of course, but then the men. Because, " he shifted uncomfortably, "you never can tell. What's going to happen to all these people?"
"They'll go home, I suppose. You know what, Gimli? We need to aim bigger."
"Not another party?" Gimli eyes Legolas sympathetically. The poor elf was sparkling - not with an elven glow but with massive amounts of boromir-applied glitter that did nothing to hide his scowling, ugly face.
"No. I was thinking... maybe a war?"
***
"Wow," said Gimli, looking over the vast army. "There's got to be a Mary Sue in there somewhere."
Gandalf had found another plot island, but he sure was cranky. "You idiot! First you blithely suggest that there aren't enough lord of the rings characters to fill a ballroom and now you're trying to outwit whoever's behind all this by starting a war? It won't work!"
"B-but-" Gimli stuttered, "surely there aren't that many - "
"You forgot about crossovers!"
All in all, Gimli talked to a large number of fictional high school students making incomprehensible pop-culture references, a slightly smaller number of aliens and vampires, several lawyers, some superheroes, a bunch of men dressed in green telling bad puns and claiming they were doctors and seven more men with strange accents claiming they were *the* doctor. He accepted their claims, but sent the last few to Pippin for an explanation of the proper application of articles in a sentence.
Tired as he was, he still found it in himself to pat Glorfindel's should consolingly. "I think it was a good idea, no matter what Gandalf said. You couldn't have known this would happen."
"Yeah," Glorfindel said glumly. "Only, what should we do now?"
"Admit defeat," said Gimli. He gestured to where Aragorn was trying to woo Princess Leia. "This? This is just sadistic. Why even bother? Whoever's doing this is sick."
Glorfindel and Gimli walked around, gathering the remaining members of the company to tell them of his decision. As he opened his mouth to speak, however, there was a flash of white light.
A girl appeared. "God, you're gorgeous," Gimli whispered, immediately taken by her. She was wonderfully stout and thick, her face beautiful and wide, and when she saw him she gave him a great hairy grin.
"Hello," she said in a deep dwarven voice. "My name is Shauna but you can call me Mary Sue."
"Erm..." said Gimli.
"So," she said, wiggling her unibrow. "Should we go get better acquainted?"
Gimli's heart (and other parts of him) yearned desperately to go with her, but he bit his lip and said, "No."
"What do you mean, no?" Shauna said, startled.
"No. It's a matter of principle."
"A matter of principle?" she echoed.
"After what you've done to my friends, how can you think I would want you? You've made my life miserable. Look what you did to Elrond. Look what you did to Aragorn," his voice became slightly hysterical. "Look what you did to Legolas!"
Gimli gathered steam as he went, and soon his companions came and stood behind him, looking menacing. Shauna glanced around nervously at the mass of people closing in on her.
"Wait! Wait! I'm a Mary Sue! Isn't anybody going to protect me?"
Boromir smirked. "You wrote this, sister."
Comprehension dawned on Shauna's face. Shooting a look of unadultered lust at Gimli, she disapeared. A pile of angry Lord of the Rings characters piled onto where she had just been.
When Legolas, who had been stuck on the bottom of the pile, finally got up, he held a crumpled piece of paper in his hand. He squinted at it, squinted at it again, and then sighed and handed it to Gandalf.
"What does it say?" Gimli asked. "Why can't he read it?"
"Obviously, this is compensation for the incredible linguistic talents that people miraculously have in bad fanfics. It says, 'This isn't over'."
Gimli pondered that a moment, then asked, "Wait... how come you can read it?"
He recieved a withering glare. "Because this is a plot island and I'm Gandalf. Got that?"
"You don't have to be so harsh," Gimli retorted. "Fat lot of help you've been. Tell me what you'd do differently!"
"I don't know."
Gandalf looked as though he was going to cry. Boromir looked as though he were going to scold Gimli for making Gandalf cry. Gimli thought he was going to start crying himself. Instead he walked away.
"Help," he whispered to the stars. "If anyone can hear me besides that horrid Mary Sue... Have pity on this poor old dwarf. Save me somehow. Save me."
***