The people who know me well, will tell you I have never been one to complain, nor was I one to feel sorry for myself. I've been through so damn much these past nine years... From meeting Mulder, to losing my father, to being the reason my sister was shot, to finding Emily only to lose her, to getting cancer, and then even losing Mulder for our own protection. What I did, yesterday, was the most difficult decision in my life.
William was my pride and joy, my miracle... My baby who should have never been. He defied the odds, and it goes to show that miracles happen for some people. I guess they can just never work out for me. I've always wanted a child, always. I found one in Emily, and although I didn't give birth to her, or raise her, or even know her any longer than those brief few days, she was like my own. I loved her. And she was taken away from me, and it nearly killed me to lose her.
But William... He was mine. All mine, he was a part of me more than anyone. He lived and grew inside me for nine relatively unpleasant months. He kept me sane and alive while Mulder was missing, and then found dead. I think if it weren't for William, I might not have been able to keep myself from doing the inevitable… He was my little angel. I gave birth to William, it's a sacred bond. He came from inside of *me*. He and I, were at one point, one person. Things were strange from the beginning. People wanted him. I was never supposed to have a child. I finally do, and he's "different." I used to lay awake and wonder why. Why did my baby, my son, my William, have to be different?
I have never been one to believe in aliens, or anything of the nature. But I have seen things that I cannot deny. And that's the way I always phrase it, I never quite say I believe in them. William, was different. Alien? I don't know. Super soldier? I don't know. That man who came into my home, I knew it wasn't Mulder. Mulder would never put something into our baby. I knew it despite the DNA, despite the things Jeffrey Spender knew. I knew he wasn't Mulder. I knew they thought I was just telling myself that because of this mans deformity- but I would love Mulder with any deformity. But that night when William was injected with something, I knew it was either just beginning, or the end.
And it was the end. Spender told me William was, well, used to be, an alien-human hybrid. And that now, he sabotaged his fathers (that cigarette smoking son of a bitch) plan to unleash a new species on the world. That one simple injection in my son stopped this colonization I've heard so much about. But that it would never be over- they would never leave him alone because of what he used to be. He was wrong. It is over, for us. For William and I. For my hopes at a happy family... The X-Files have cost me so much. I can't stop now, I need the truth. I need to find Mulder so I can tell him that I couldn't protect our son. That he'll never know his daddy, and now, not his mommy either.
I saw him off into the car with the woman from the adoption agency. He looks so beautiful, with that bunny hat on. I sing him "Jeremiah Was A Bullfrog" one last time. He and his father are the only people I'll ever sing for. I kiss his forehead, the way Mulder would kiss mine. I cannot stop the tears from falling, but I know this is the right choice. He'll probably never even remember me. He's so young, so impressionable. He'll grow up calling another woman "mommy", laying in her arms. She'll teach him to read and write and play games. She'll get him his first pet (we all know what happened to my dog) and she'll be his mother. One day when he's older, maybe he'll look for me. I wrote him a letter, and I gave it to them to give to his adoptive parents. I want them to give it to him if he ever asks about me. I hope someday I'll see him again.
It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I had to do it. He didn't choose to be brought into this world. He shouldn't have to live in fear, and it wouldn't be right if he did. So now all I can do is sit here, alone, and cry. I'm so alone, but I don't think I want anyone here. My mom is worried about me, she keeps calling, but I just tell her I'm fine. It's become a damn catchphrase for me. I'm fine. Monica Reyes gave me a call, which was sweet of her, but how much could she really care? At times like this I used to take baths, but I rarely do that now. I've had too many bad experiences in baths, what with Donnie Pfaster and all. So now all I can do is just sit, and wish I had someone here with me, like Mulder, or... William.
I don't know how I'm going to live without the two most important people to me. My son and my true love are gone. My son, may never return to me from the new life he's begun, may never even ask of me, may never even know I exist. And Mulder... I cannot even be sure he is safe now. That liar Jeffrey Spender hasn't even spoken to him. It's hard to believe he's related to Fox Mulder. It's hard to believe the cigarette smoking son of a bitch is Mulder's father. I don't think Mulder would ever want to know, but it would be unfair to hide it from him.
Poor Mulder gets to come home to a such sad place, if he ever does come home. His three best friends are dead, whom I miss very much right now. I know they would comfort me, and I don't think they know how much they meant to me. They meant a lot to Mulder. His son is gone now, too, I couldn't protect him. And, we have confirmed he's related to two despicable people, Jeffrey Spender and the Black Lunged Bastard. I'm so sorry, Mulder. Ha, as if he can hear me now. I wish he could... I wish I could know where he is and if he's alive and if he misses me. If he wants to be found.
All I can do is wish. Wish that Mulder and William were here. Wish that I could wake up with a happy family of me, Mulder, and William. Wish that in that happy family, Mulder and I are retired from the X-Files. Wish that there won't be any more disasters, no more cancer, no more losses. Wish.
All I can do is wish.