THE SAME DENIAL

By SKH


©May 2002
Rating: PG
Characters: Bruce/Dick
Disclaimer: Above-mentioned characters are owned by DC Comics. No profit is realized from creation of stories based on these characters.
This is my contribution to the Batslash Yahoo Group's songfic challenge, using lyrics from "Ghost Story" by Sting, from his CD, "Brand New Day."
Slash is in the eye of the beholder. Love is in the heart of the reader.
Comments and feedback are welcome toSKHwrite@aol.com

The geese are flying south.

I look up at them and notice the chill in the air as the sun is sinking. The back lawn is empty. The sight reminds me of the few times you conned me into tossing the ball out there in that grass. "Football weather," you'd say if you were here.

If you were here.

But you're not, and you've been gone for a while now. Gone away to school, gone away to New York, gone from the partnership, from my life. You're someone else now, not the boy who lived here. Feathers of a much darker color replaced your youthful down, and you flew. I tell myself I did not miss you much...

I feel the winter come and the hearth beckons me after my long, cold night of fighting, alone. Now in the firelight, I sit: judge and jury, going over the same old trial. The same old questions — Why didn't I ask you to stay? Why didn't I ask for your help? Why didn't I let you know how much I... trust you?

Staring into a fire that offers no warmth, I look for answers. All I have to offer as my defense is the same old denial.

Another winter. You have your old friends; you've made new ones. You have a new city, a new job. You've made a home for yourself. And a name.

I sit here before the fire but icy fingers still creep into these bones of mine. I remember a time when it wasn't that way, when you burned hot next to me. These memories never sleep. Neither do I, for I am too alone.

We kept our distances. I created the distances, unable to bear your force upon me, a force that could bind the stars. I was a fool and wouldn't be so bound. I wore this mask to hide my scars, but I also caused the wounds that made them. I wouldn't let you help me heal. I was as afraid to love you as you were to fail me. And so we drifted apart, each of us a mast without a sail.

I glance over my shoulder at the window, the same window through which flew that harbinger that gave wings to my crusade. I see the fingernail of a moon slowly sinking. Another day begins. Another day without you beside me.

And now, I'm thinking that this indifference — my indifference — for all these years of pain... was my invention. You'd surely agree with me on that. Why could you always see so much more clearly? Why is it that I once saw as clearly, with you at my side, in my home, in my heart?

You were my compass star. Bright, magnetic, reliable. The latter you should have been — I trained you. You were my measure. My life used to have more balance than it does these days. For every shadow, there was your light. For every enemy's curse, there was your laughter.

From the wall above the fireplace the portrait of my parents looks down on me, offering only silent witness. I look once more into the fire's embers. Judge, jury... I've made my case; the prosecution rests.

I rise and walk to the window to watch the sunrise, no longer hiding in this cloak of "our differences" that I borrowed. My crimes no longer have any defense.

It's time that I confessed, to myself, to you.

I must have loved you.

End.