A/N: Woohoo! People actually like the story! Never imagined THAT would happen... So, right. I managed to get my hands on the new edition of "The Carpet People", which is ONLY out in the UK, *mutterand my local museum store for 10 friggin' dollarsmutter*, so you can expect some Pismire and Wight-esque comments (both are characters from The Carpet People, nyah) scattered throughout the chapter. So just in case you run across something like "Melodrama. Why do they always speak like that? I'm suprised he didn't say 'harharhar'" mixed in, you'll know why. Maybe. If you're lucky and/or convinced that there ARE pink elephants flying around your head making tweeting noises. Which I'm sure we all have. Right? Right?
BTW, sorry about the lateness of it all... I was studying for my driving test and didn't have a moment to myself. Hner.
Chapter 4
Susan was rather flustered.
It stood to reason that if you walked for very long in any direction, you would come to either a settlement or a body of water of some kind. Reason, however, was standing around shuffling its feet and trying to think up some sort of explanation for when the God of Reason came along with a lightning bolt and a bad attitude*.
It was jungle. Dark, damp, dense, damp, dim, damp, dirty, and over all DAMP jungle. With no end. It seemed to go on and on and on. With no end. It seemed to go on and on and on. With no end.
*cough* Continuing...
Susan took out her pent-up fury on a rotten log that lay in her path. She succeeded in turning it into just so much wet sawdust. She wiped her forehead calmly, stood up, and walked directly into something large, hard, and extremely smelly.
I'm talking SMELLY here. Take the smell of an overripe Wahooni, multipy it by previously digested boiled cabbage, then add a dash of Foul Ol' Ron for good measure. You might get close. This smell, however, cornered the market in un-washed, mud-rolling jungle inhabitant parfum de la puanteur.
Susan reeled.
The earthquake started near the Hub, a dull rumble deep within Cori Celesti. It rocked the hills and cliffs of Lancre, the cheese factories of Quirm, the treacherous rain mines of Llamedos**. The Lady hugged the wall as the ground underneath her feet did a spirited impression of the sea during a gale. She turned about as green as her eyes as the buildings around her bobbed up and down like ducks.
The earthquake slowed as the Lady's stomach lurched. She decided to find a handy bucket. Or gutter. Or gutter inhabitant. Anything.
And quick.
The Lady stumbled around a bit before the earthquake stopped, managing to lose her lunch in several different areas before finding herself in front of the doors of the Unseen University. She wiped her mouth with a sleeve and blinked blearily up at the huge wooden doors.
Something fell toward her.
Greebo, Nanny Ogg's infamous cat/demon/pet rapist, had leapt over the wall in order to investigate the rumbling (i.e. to see if it was something he could eat, fight, or ravage). The grey, scar-ridden tom hurtled through the air yowling, realizing a second too late that the Unseen University was not the best building to jump off of.
So that was what hit the Lady.
She attempted to untangle the screeching cat from her hair, clothing, and sunglasses after getting on her feet again. Greebo, while smart for a cat, was still very stupid when it came to things such as letting go, not biting, and not relieving himself wherever and whenever. After a few moments of terrible struggle, the Lady managed to fling the tom off her arm and into a waiting trash pile, where he calmed and glared out at her with his baleful eyes.
The doors swung open.
"Coo-ee!" Nanny Ogg cried, grinning like a Jack-o-lantern. "I see Greebo's happened to you!"
"I need," Commander Vimes said slowly, "a peppermint."
Nobby relaxed. "It's just your luck, then, because I have some right-"
"A FRESH peppermint," the Commander bolted quickly. "And possibly a good, stiff..." he shuddered. "... Cigar," he finished reluctantly, spitting the word.
"So," said the Lady, adjusting her sunglasses and giving Ridcully an emerald stare. He gave her a many-toothed grin. She scowled. "I suppose you've gotten an idea of our situation?"
"The bloody wizards have damn well bloody sucked up bloody all the bloody magic, that's bloody what!" Granny hissed, leaning over the table and making Ponder nearly relieve himself. "And I'm bloody well about to bloody take their bloody-"
"Esme, we've heard your opinion several times," Nanny said amiably, cutting Granny off and patting her hand. "Agnes, serve the tea. And pass the crumpets."
Agnes rolled her eyes. To Granny Weatherwax and Nanny Ogg, words like "please" and "thank you" happened to other people. She thought a few bad words to herself and poured the tea.
The Lady stared at the three witches, dumpy in their black dresses and pointy hats. Greebo lay sprawled over Nanny's shoulders, showering the trio with a light dusting of gray cat hair and dandruff. The witches were hawkishly observant and yet still blissfully oblivious at the same time. Walking ironies.
"Not... exactly," the Lady said slowly and carefully.
"Oh?" Granny muttered, buttering her crumpet with a vengeance. "And whose fault IS it?"
"I don't think that's how you would put it," the Lady replied easily, leaning back into her chair. "Not who, exactly."
"Than what?" asked the Archchancellor, grinning at Granny.
The Lady took a sip of her tea. "Nonorine," she said carefully, putting down her cup.
Susan woke up. She immediately wished she hadn't.
A large tanned man/monkey grinned down at her. He said something in a language she didn't understand.
"Yes," she said.
"Ah!" he boomed. "Akmorkpork!"
"Ankh-Morpork," she corrected, waving a hand. "Do you speak Morporkian?"
"'Es," he said, nodding enthusiastically. "Speek 't lawk anting!"
"Um," she said. "What's your name?"
"Dunce!" he replied, grinning. Susan gave him a blank look. "Means 'Big' in mah langige."
"...Ah," she said carefully. "I'm Susan. Susan Sto-Helit."
"Susan-Susan Sto-Helit," Dunce rumbled, letting off a puff of acrid stench, "Welcoom tu Klatch!"
______________
*Actually, Patina, the Goddess of Wisdom. Patina does not have power over lightning anyway. But she does have a penguin.
**Don't ask.
BTW, sorry about the lateness of it all... I was studying for my driving test and didn't have a moment to myself. Hner.
Chapter 4
Susan was rather flustered.
It stood to reason that if you walked for very long in any direction, you would come to either a settlement or a body of water of some kind. Reason, however, was standing around shuffling its feet and trying to think up some sort of explanation for when the God of Reason came along with a lightning bolt and a bad attitude*.
It was jungle. Dark, damp, dense, damp, dim, damp, dirty, and over all DAMP jungle. With no end. It seemed to go on and on and on. With no end. It seemed to go on and on and on. With no end.
*cough* Continuing...
Susan took out her pent-up fury on a rotten log that lay in her path. She succeeded in turning it into just so much wet sawdust. She wiped her forehead calmly, stood up, and walked directly into something large, hard, and extremely smelly.
I'm talking SMELLY here. Take the smell of an overripe Wahooni, multipy it by previously digested boiled cabbage, then add a dash of Foul Ol' Ron for good measure. You might get close. This smell, however, cornered the market in un-washed, mud-rolling jungle inhabitant parfum de la puanteur.
Susan reeled.
The earthquake started near the Hub, a dull rumble deep within Cori Celesti. It rocked the hills and cliffs of Lancre, the cheese factories of Quirm, the treacherous rain mines of Llamedos**. The Lady hugged the wall as the ground underneath her feet did a spirited impression of the sea during a gale. She turned about as green as her eyes as the buildings around her bobbed up and down like ducks.
The earthquake slowed as the Lady's stomach lurched. She decided to find a handy bucket. Or gutter. Or gutter inhabitant. Anything.
And quick.
The Lady stumbled around a bit before the earthquake stopped, managing to lose her lunch in several different areas before finding herself in front of the doors of the Unseen University. She wiped her mouth with a sleeve and blinked blearily up at the huge wooden doors.
Something fell toward her.
Greebo, Nanny Ogg's infamous cat/demon/pet rapist, had leapt over the wall in order to investigate the rumbling (i.e. to see if it was something he could eat, fight, or ravage). The grey, scar-ridden tom hurtled through the air yowling, realizing a second too late that the Unseen University was not the best building to jump off of.
So that was what hit the Lady.
She attempted to untangle the screeching cat from her hair, clothing, and sunglasses after getting on her feet again. Greebo, while smart for a cat, was still very stupid when it came to things such as letting go, not biting, and not relieving himself wherever and whenever. After a few moments of terrible struggle, the Lady managed to fling the tom off her arm and into a waiting trash pile, where he calmed and glared out at her with his baleful eyes.
The doors swung open.
"Coo-ee!" Nanny Ogg cried, grinning like a Jack-o-lantern. "I see Greebo's happened to you!"
"I need," Commander Vimes said slowly, "a peppermint."
Nobby relaxed. "It's just your luck, then, because I have some right-"
"A FRESH peppermint," the Commander bolted quickly. "And possibly a good, stiff..." he shuddered. "... Cigar," he finished reluctantly, spitting the word.
"So," said the Lady, adjusting her sunglasses and giving Ridcully an emerald stare. He gave her a many-toothed grin. She scowled. "I suppose you've gotten an idea of our situation?"
"The bloody wizards have damn well bloody sucked up bloody all the bloody magic, that's bloody what!" Granny hissed, leaning over the table and making Ponder nearly relieve himself. "And I'm bloody well about to bloody take their bloody-"
"Esme, we've heard your opinion several times," Nanny said amiably, cutting Granny off and patting her hand. "Agnes, serve the tea. And pass the crumpets."
Agnes rolled her eyes. To Granny Weatherwax and Nanny Ogg, words like "please" and "thank you" happened to other people. She thought a few bad words to herself and poured the tea.
The Lady stared at the three witches, dumpy in their black dresses and pointy hats. Greebo lay sprawled over Nanny's shoulders, showering the trio with a light dusting of gray cat hair and dandruff. The witches were hawkishly observant and yet still blissfully oblivious at the same time. Walking ironies.
"Not... exactly," the Lady said slowly and carefully.
"Oh?" Granny muttered, buttering her crumpet with a vengeance. "And whose fault IS it?"
"I don't think that's how you would put it," the Lady replied easily, leaning back into her chair. "Not who, exactly."
"Than what?" asked the Archchancellor, grinning at Granny.
The Lady took a sip of her tea. "Nonorine," she said carefully, putting down her cup.
Susan woke up. She immediately wished she hadn't.
A large tanned man/monkey grinned down at her. He said something in a language she didn't understand.
"Yes," she said.
"Ah!" he boomed. "Akmorkpork!"
"Ankh-Morpork," she corrected, waving a hand. "Do you speak Morporkian?"
"'Es," he said, nodding enthusiastically. "Speek 't lawk anting!"
"Um," she said. "What's your name?"
"Dunce!" he replied, grinning. Susan gave him a blank look. "Means 'Big' in mah langige."
"...Ah," she said carefully. "I'm Susan. Susan Sto-Helit."
"Susan-Susan Sto-Helit," Dunce rumbled, letting off a puff of acrid stench, "Welcoom tu Klatch!"
______________
*Actually, Patina, the Goddess of Wisdom. Patina does not have power over lightning anyway. But she does have a penguin.
**Don't ask.