For today's gathering, Tom decided to hold the session outside. "We have a very special newcomer today," Tom said brightly. "I would like you all to give a very warm welcome the most recent member of our group: Mount Doom!!" (Who invited him???!!!) They all turned around to find a rather large volcano sputtering molten lava right behind them. Sam managed, "Well that's an eye-opener and no mistake!!" "And I would like you all to watch your step during the time Doom is with us," reminded Tom. "Now, Doom, why don't you tell us all why you are here."
"Well," said Doom, "I am sick and tired of people throwing stuff in my mouth! Rings, fingers, ugly 6 hundred year old sorta hobbits, You name it!! The whole thing is getting way outta hand!" In which he started foaming at the mouth. "Watch out!" Cried Boromir. "He has a cave troll!! Oops, wrong line, he's gonna blowww!!!"
The volcano didn't, however. "Now how do you feel about this whole business?" Inquired Tom. "Well,I feel taken advantage of...Violated, you might say.**sniff**sniff**," Doom sniffled. "Plus I feel isolated...Out there smack dab in the middle of Mordor! It's really scary! No one ever comes to visit me or anything except Sauron cuz I am his summer home! Ohmygawd!! I just realized that I have no friends! All except Sauron but he doesn't count cuz he is mean and verrry ugly (U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi, you ugly, yeah yeah you ugly)(At this point Doom starts to dance, which results in various minor earthquakes around the area). The only time he comes to visit me is when he want something: like taking take a hot lava bath with one of his orc-ladies… (Way too much information!) For someone that dark and sinister he sure gets around!"
At this point Ed stepped in. "I know! I hate Sauron!! All he ever does is take advantage of people and give them those *beepin* rings! (Hee hee ******'s editing) He never does anything for himself! You never even see him in the book or the movie. He just sits up in his stupid Barad-Dur fortress and watches cable in the Palantir! Well, he would go on the Internet but there are no middle-of-Mordor dial up numbers. I keep telling him to get DSL or Comcast, but he just won't listen. Stubborn evil Maia!! C'mon Doom, I say we clean his clock!" From the background came noises that sounded like "We wants him, my PRECIOUSSSSSS..."
"I am afraid I am going to have to interfere here," Tom stated. "Just because he is evil and a traitor and wants to take over the world doesn't mean he's that bad of a dude. Look at it this way: Sauron has to be evil because that is his job. Tolkien made him into a bad guy, so he has to act like one!"
"But why does he have to be so mean to everyone?" Doom asked. "Oh, well that's just how he is! It's in his nature to be a bugger," Tom replied gently. "Great Scott! Do you realize we've spent half of this Fic just talking about Sauron! He's quite a conversation piece and we never even get to see him! **SiGh** I guess we are running outta room, eh *****?" (Yes Tom I am afraid that's it for now. You're gonna have to wait until the next chapter to finish this discussion. Sorry!) Tom sighed again, "Ay ay ay welcome to the One Ring support group, where problems never get solved no matter what...Well stay tuned!! Hey come derry dol ring a dong dillo..."
(By the way, if you have any complaints with this story you can take them up with Sauron and e-mail him at thedarklordsauron@nastylilbuggers.net. He'll take care of ya!) (Literally!)