TITLE: Back Roads: Cradle Falling
AUTHOR: Kansas J. Miller
PAIRING: CJ/Carol
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: "I never meant to be the wrong thing."
SPOILERS: None
***
We don't turn away from ourselves. We only turn away from others.
We can't turn away from ourselves. We can't run that far, we can't fly that high. The only means of escaping ourselves come in death, and I've never considered that possibility. But now you've confronted me with the core of what I've feared, of what I still fear. Myself.
You didn't see me because I didn't want you to. I was ashamed of myself, of the fact that it took me forty years to decide what I was. And you—so young, with the entire world ahead—you sat in the shadows, knowing everything you wanted to know while I stepped into the spotlight and played the power game.
I couldn't let you see through me; I couldn't shatter the image you held of me. Imagine how it feels to be on the pedestal and know that you don't deserve the honor. Try looking at someone you care about, knowing they see you as unbreakable, untouchable, inimitable—perfect. Then try holding in your hands the truth: none of it is real; it was all an act.
To drop the pretension in an instant would be impossible. I've become accustomed to hiding from the world; my job requires it. You understand that, don't you? I can try to show you what I am, but the truth is, Carol…I've never been able to do that before.
I've blamed it all on my job, my parents, my siblings, the other person…but reality sinks in now. It's only been me. I am to blame for any failure in my life.
You make me happy. You make me see that I can't hide forever. And you don't deserve what I've given you. You deserve more, and if I accept myself, it's only because you told me it was okay to do that. You're the only one who's done that, Carol…
***
CJ said all of those things to me, and then she said thank you. I was left entirely speechless—amazed that she'd admitted so much at my one simple request that she tell me what she was feeling.
I had come to expect more silence than chatter from CJ. Silence meant she was unhappy but unwilling to talk about it. Something tonight made her grow comfortable enough to give away her weaknesses, and the silence was broken.
She wasn't confident, she wasn't sure of herself. She wasn't ready to admit that she couldn't love a man. And she couldn't, CJ cried, her eyes shining with unshed tears, she couldn't love a man. There, I said, you've admitted it. Even to me. And that's okay; that's all you needed to do…
But it wasn't just to me. CJ once told her own mother that she was attracted to the 'wrong' sex. The result had been disastrous, forcing her to put up the wall—that same wall she's been using ever since. She hadn't allowed herself to fall in love again. Not until now. She'd been hurt until now—I could hardly fathom it, and yet CJ was telling me so.
"I just want it to be simple," CJ pleaded, grabbing my hands as we faced each other on the sofa. "I want to drop my defenses," she added with a sigh.
I felt like I'd won a race, and it bothered me to be proud of that. But CJ had opened up to me, opened up more than she ever had. Knowing I'd been able to bring that out comforted me and placated the worry in my head—our relationship was not breaking or slowly cracking. Still, complexities lurked. I could not force CJ to tell me all of them, but hearing her divulge just some of her fears was affirmation plenty.
I was waiting for her to cry, and though she did not, I still felt our emotional bond. CJ was tired, and once she shed her skin, it was easy allowing me to tuck her into bed. Warmth, comfort and the kind of sleep I know she craved—that was all I wanted for CJ. I was satisfied by those few moments of unabashed honesty that flew from her lips, that had poured out of her heart.
"Carol," CJ murmured as I sat on the edge of her bed, gently stroking her back, "I never meant to be the wrong thing."
I could tell that CJ was sleepy, and her eyes were closed as she lay in the cocoon of sheets and blankets. I imagined that she didn't quite know what she was saying, and so I simply ran my fingers through her hair.
"You could never be the wrong thing, CJ. You never were."
She opened up one of her eyes, and then the other. A smile moved over her lips and then she sat up, shaking her head in a sweet disbelief. "If you believe it, I hope it's true."
I leaned forward and quickly kissed her unsuspecting lips. "I love you. Go to sleep."
CJ watched me, keeping her eyes riveted to mine as I got off of her bed and headed towards the door. I would go home, and call my mother. For if CJ were really just a cradle falling, maybe my mother could hear the truth and accept it, too. *
AUTHOR: Kansas J. Miller
PAIRING: CJ/Carol
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: "I never meant to be the wrong thing."
SPOILERS: None
***
We don't turn away from ourselves. We only turn away from others.
We can't turn away from ourselves. We can't run that far, we can't fly that high. The only means of escaping ourselves come in death, and I've never considered that possibility. But now you've confronted me with the core of what I've feared, of what I still fear. Myself.
You didn't see me because I didn't want you to. I was ashamed of myself, of the fact that it took me forty years to decide what I was. And you—so young, with the entire world ahead—you sat in the shadows, knowing everything you wanted to know while I stepped into the spotlight and played the power game.
I couldn't let you see through me; I couldn't shatter the image you held of me. Imagine how it feels to be on the pedestal and know that you don't deserve the honor. Try looking at someone you care about, knowing they see you as unbreakable, untouchable, inimitable—perfect. Then try holding in your hands the truth: none of it is real; it was all an act.
To drop the pretension in an instant would be impossible. I've become accustomed to hiding from the world; my job requires it. You understand that, don't you? I can try to show you what I am, but the truth is, Carol…I've never been able to do that before.
I've blamed it all on my job, my parents, my siblings, the other person…but reality sinks in now. It's only been me. I am to blame for any failure in my life.
You make me happy. You make me see that I can't hide forever. And you don't deserve what I've given you. You deserve more, and if I accept myself, it's only because you told me it was okay to do that. You're the only one who's done that, Carol…
***
CJ said all of those things to me, and then she said thank you. I was left entirely speechless—amazed that she'd admitted so much at my one simple request that she tell me what she was feeling.
I had come to expect more silence than chatter from CJ. Silence meant she was unhappy but unwilling to talk about it. Something tonight made her grow comfortable enough to give away her weaknesses, and the silence was broken.
She wasn't confident, she wasn't sure of herself. She wasn't ready to admit that she couldn't love a man. And she couldn't, CJ cried, her eyes shining with unshed tears, she couldn't love a man. There, I said, you've admitted it. Even to me. And that's okay; that's all you needed to do…
But it wasn't just to me. CJ once told her own mother that she was attracted to the 'wrong' sex. The result had been disastrous, forcing her to put up the wall—that same wall she's been using ever since. She hadn't allowed herself to fall in love again. Not until now. She'd been hurt until now—I could hardly fathom it, and yet CJ was telling me so.
"I just want it to be simple," CJ pleaded, grabbing my hands as we faced each other on the sofa. "I want to drop my defenses," she added with a sigh.
I felt like I'd won a race, and it bothered me to be proud of that. But CJ had opened up to me, opened up more than she ever had. Knowing I'd been able to bring that out comforted me and placated the worry in my head—our relationship was not breaking or slowly cracking. Still, complexities lurked. I could not force CJ to tell me all of them, but hearing her divulge just some of her fears was affirmation plenty.
I was waiting for her to cry, and though she did not, I still felt our emotional bond. CJ was tired, and once she shed her skin, it was easy allowing me to tuck her into bed. Warmth, comfort and the kind of sleep I know she craved—that was all I wanted for CJ. I was satisfied by those few moments of unabashed honesty that flew from her lips, that had poured out of her heart.
"Carol," CJ murmured as I sat on the edge of her bed, gently stroking her back, "I never meant to be the wrong thing."
I could tell that CJ was sleepy, and her eyes were closed as she lay in the cocoon of sheets and blankets. I imagined that she didn't quite know what she was saying, and so I simply ran my fingers through her hair.
"You could never be the wrong thing, CJ. You never were."
She opened up one of her eyes, and then the other. A smile moved over her lips and then she sat up, shaking her head in a sweet disbelief. "If you believe it, I hope it's true."
I leaned forward and quickly kissed her unsuspecting lips. "I love you. Go to sleep."
CJ watched me, keeping her eyes riveted to mine as I got off of her bed and headed towards the door. I would go home, and call my mother. For if CJ were really just a cradle falling, maybe my mother could hear the truth and accept it, too. *