Elizabeth,
My love, the time is drawing nearer. As I sit and watch you sleeping, I am struck by how lucky I am to have such a beautiful, loving wife. I mean, come on, I am the bald, skinny guy with glasses. Who would think that you were mine? What did you see in me, and what did I ever do to deserve you? I guess it doesn't really matter all that much now, but I am so thankful that you gave me the joy and honor of being your husband, even if it was for such a dramatically short time.
I had everything any man could ever want, and I know there we faced many battles throughout our relationship, but I wouldn't have wanted to spend the last years of my life with anyone else. I know we spent some of this time apart, because of stubbornness, Elizabeth, and my own inability to express my feelings. I thought I had gotten over that by the time we got married, moved past it, you know, but all of my insecurities resurfaced when Ella overdosed. I was ashamed, scared, and angry. Angry with Rachel, but angry with myself for not doing something sooner. Ashamed of what she had done and what people might think, but most of all, scared. Scared that we would lose Ella, and that I would lose you. Now I guess I truly am losing you. . .Ella. . .Rachel. . .my life. But know this, even though I no longer will be walking this earth with you, I will always be in your heart. Always and forever.
Take care of my girls, Elizabeth. I don't know what will happen with Rachel, but I do know that she doesn't want to live with her mother. I know it has been hard, and rightfully so, but I have watched you take her into your heart over the past couple weeks. I don't know how you have done it. You are strong, and it just shows your huge capacity to love and to be loved in return. I know it is a lot to ask, and I probably have no right, but please make sure she is taken care of. She needs someone, and if I cannot be there, then I choose you.
My beautiful Ella. Please tell her how much her daddy loves her. How afraid he was that he wouldn't even have a chance to meet her. I know you will take care of her. I can tell just by the look in your eyes that you love that child. She, like the rest of us, is lucky to have you. Lucky to have a wonderful mother to look up to and learn from. Unfortunately, she won't have that from her father. If I could somehow change that, I would, but she won't even remember me, Elizabeth. Maybe that is for the best, though, because I never want her to be in pain. Not again. Not because of me. She is the product of the love you and I shared, and she is a part of me that will be with you always. Don't let her forget that.
I just really can't believe this is the end. Why does it have to be this way? Why can't I spend the next 50 years waking up with you in my arms? This must be the way it has to be. No questions. No answers. I have made my peace with God, and I am ready, although unwilling, to go. No changes. No regrets. Please just remember that I love you and that I am with you. Let yourself love again, Elizabeth. Cherish each day. . .hour. . .minute of your life. You deserve that. You deserve everything that this world can offer, and I am sorry that I won't be able to give that to you. You deserve the best. You are the best.
I could sit here for hours writing my thoughts and feelings to you, but my hand is starting to shake, and I am having trouble grasping this pen. Amazing how that works, isn't it. My own body is betraying me. That has to be the worst betrayal of all. So, for now, my love, I will say goodnight, not goodbye. Never goodbye. I am sure that we will meet again.
My love forever,
Mark
My love, the time is drawing nearer. As I sit and watch you sleeping, I am struck by how lucky I am to have such a beautiful, loving wife. I mean, come on, I am the bald, skinny guy with glasses. Who would think that you were mine? What did you see in me, and what did I ever do to deserve you? I guess it doesn't really matter all that much now, but I am so thankful that you gave me the joy and honor of being your husband, even if it was for such a dramatically short time.
I had everything any man could ever want, and I know there we faced many battles throughout our relationship, but I wouldn't have wanted to spend the last years of my life with anyone else. I know we spent some of this time apart, because of stubbornness, Elizabeth, and my own inability to express my feelings. I thought I had gotten over that by the time we got married, moved past it, you know, but all of my insecurities resurfaced when Ella overdosed. I was ashamed, scared, and angry. Angry with Rachel, but angry with myself for not doing something sooner. Ashamed of what she had done and what people might think, but most of all, scared. Scared that we would lose Ella, and that I would lose you. Now I guess I truly am losing you. . .Ella. . .Rachel. . .my life. But know this, even though I no longer will be walking this earth with you, I will always be in your heart. Always and forever.
Take care of my girls, Elizabeth. I don't know what will happen with Rachel, but I do know that she doesn't want to live with her mother. I know it has been hard, and rightfully so, but I have watched you take her into your heart over the past couple weeks. I don't know how you have done it. You are strong, and it just shows your huge capacity to love and to be loved in return. I know it is a lot to ask, and I probably have no right, but please make sure she is taken care of. She needs someone, and if I cannot be there, then I choose you.
My beautiful Ella. Please tell her how much her daddy loves her. How afraid he was that he wouldn't even have a chance to meet her. I know you will take care of her. I can tell just by the look in your eyes that you love that child. She, like the rest of us, is lucky to have you. Lucky to have a wonderful mother to look up to and learn from. Unfortunately, she won't have that from her father. If I could somehow change that, I would, but she won't even remember me, Elizabeth. Maybe that is for the best, though, because I never want her to be in pain. Not again. Not because of me. She is the product of the love you and I shared, and she is a part of me that will be with you always. Don't let her forget that.
I just really can't believe this is the end. Why does it have to be this way? Why can't I spend the next 50 years waking up with you in my arms? This must be the way it has to be. No questions. No answers. I have made my peace with God, and I am ready, although unwilling, to go. No changes. No regrets. Please just remember that I love you and that I am with you. Let yourself love again, Elizabeth. Cherish each day. . .hour. . .minute of your life. You deserve that. You deserve everything that this world can offer, and I am sorry that I won't be able to give that to you. You deserve the best. You are the best.
I could sit here for hours writing my thoughts and feelings to you, but my hand is starting to shake, and I am having trouble grasping this pen. Amazing how that works, isn't it. My own body is betraying me. That has to be the worst betrayal of all. So, for now, my love, I will say goodnight, not goodbye. Never goodbye. I am sure that we will meet again.
My love forever,
Mark