Internal Battle
An Aoshi and Misao fanfic by Evon(Celste)
11/02/2002
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"Kaiten kenbu rokuren!"With a blur of movement, Aoshi left Okina standing seemingly stunned. The wooden doors of the cabin flew open and Misao stood there, panting and hoping that it was not too late, that the fight between the two most important men in her life had not started.

Aoshi could sense the hope in her ki, and he felt her relief when she saw he and Okina standing still.

"Phew," Misao sighed in relief, so softly that Aoshi would not have heard it had it not been for his sharp ears. He hated to disappoint her but he knew that her relief would not last for long. 'Hate me all you like, Misao, perhaps it will be better that way," he thought, his heart beginning to ache for her.

Three...two...one... Suddenly, Okina collapsed, blood spurting from suddenly opened wounds. Some of it splattered onto Misao, whose eyes had widened at the sight. 'I was too late after all..." How could she not be horrified? The foster father who had taken care of her and the man she loved had battled each other...and she had not been able to stop them. The reality of it was in her face, in Okina's body, lying severely wounded on the floor by the swords of the man she had loved so much and spent years searching for. Of course, there was also Aoshi himself, eyes dark and devoid of feeling, standing facing the wall opposite Okina's body. He was so different from the honorable Okashira she had known in her childhood.

Looking at Misao from the corner of his eyes, Aoshi noticed how much she had grown in the eight years since he had left her. Her eyes were wide with horror and disbelief, she looked so vulnerable. He had never seen her like this and never wanted to. He thought that by leaving her with Okina in Kyoto, she would be spared the agony of seeing her loved ones fatally wounded in front of her and of losing them. He had proved himself wrong, and for that, he was disgusted. Disgusted and angry at the, unfeeling and uncaring block of ice he had become. To have his own way and for revenge, he had betrayed and hurt the only friends and family he had ever known. The honorable Okashira the Oniwabanshuu had known would never have been so ruthless...

"It has already ended." He forced the words out of his throat. So it had. Everything he had known had ended, for all he knew. The life of happiness and love, warmth and sunshine, and his time as the Okashira of the Oniwabanshuu had ended and it was proved with the blood of his mentor who had guided and advised him on his hands. With all that, what honor and innocence Aoshi had left was done with, going with the life that seeped slowly out of Okina's body. Everything of the light had ended with the battle.

Seconds passed. Misao still stood stunned at the entrance. The pain on her face and tears threatening to overflow in her eyes made his heart hurt. The pain intensified the longer she stood there in his full view, with those sad eyes. Anymore and he would not be able to take it, would not be able to fight the guilt and pain that had surfaced. For revenge, he needed a cold heart, which Misao was threatening to melt. And then, he would have to kill her for standing in the way of his revenge. He did not know if he would even have the heart to do that.

Time seemed to stand still for centuries. When she still did not move, Aoshi turned his head to give her the fiercest glare he could muster, though what he really wanted to do was to run up and hold her in his arms, and never let go.
"It's ended," he growled sternly. Then, he turned to face the wall and began sheathing his kodachi. If he looked at her anymore, his heart and expression of ice would melt, and he would no longer have the courage for revenge.

She still stood there, stunned, unmoving, mouth frozen open in a gasp. He turned and started walking away, unable to bear facing her, for it was only she who could look deep into his icy eyes and see the flame burning inside. If she wouldn't leave, then he would.

Instead of leaving, however, she stepped into the cabin, taking in the crimson sight before her--of Okina, lying in a pool of blood. Then, Aoshi stepped past her, his presence becoming more intense. A light brush, which caused both their hearts to hurt more than before, filling with longing, pain, and nostalgia for the better days long gone. His trenchcoat fluttered in the gentle breeze.

As he walked away, her heart thumped, but the more the breeze blew, the colder she felt. The warmth he used to give her was no longer there. "Why is it so cold?"
A leaf floated past, away from her. Watching it, she realised that the man whom she had searched futilely for was, too, leaving her. Again. She could not let that happen.

"AOSHI------SAMA!!!" His heart jolted when she called for him. Again, the temptation to run back and wrap her in his embrace grew. It had been a long time since he had heard her voice. It was older, lower, but still familiar. And it could still raise his spirits as before. He paused for awhile, half deciding to turn back, give in to his instinct, and tell her it would all be all right. To proclaim his love for her, which had always been there, deep in his heart, growing stonger with the passing of every year.

*But will she love someone like me? Can she? My hands are stained with blood. She's too pure and innocent for me, she deserves someone better.* His heart told him to turn back, that Misao would and did love him and always would, but his mind reasoned otherwise.

The leaves from the trees floated around, and those on the ground stirred, disturbed by the wind. They blew toward Misao, as if they were compasses, showing him where his happiness, life, future and salvation all lay. He fought with himself internally, longing to turn back yet aching to leave. The leaves now twisted and churned, as if symbolizing the storm brewing in him.

He came to a decision. Perhaps she wanted him to turn back to her and give her an explanation for his deeds. Or perhaps it was to simply return to her and never leave again. But everything had ended when he had fought with Okina, the man who had brought him up, mentored him, chosen him to be the okashira. Honor. Innocence. Righteousness. Dignity. He no longer had them, for he had chosen revenge over loyalty. He was not fit to look at her again, and did not deserve her waiting for him. She had her own life.

They had both lived for eight years without each other. Life had been painful without her, and would still be. But there were people waiting for her at the Aoiya. She did not need him, and although it would hurt never to see each other again, it was for the best. For her. For his revenge. Perhaps in his next life, he would make up to her. He began walking again.

"Go," he told her, ignoring the intensifying pain in his heart. "Don't let me see your face again."

Then he walked away silently, Misao staring sadly after him, tears overflowing. The shadows hid the agony, guilt and longing that he unintentionally allowed to surface on his usually frozen face.

The wind blew on.

The End

It's terrible I know! Just my personal insight into what was going on with Aoshi at that time. I never got to watch that certain episode of the anime(the series was yanked off air before it even got to that episode. Wah!) so everything's based on the manga. Hope you liked it!