Aoshi: From the Heart

A Reason to Live

Disclaimers apply

It can't be true, although deep down I know it is...I've just denied it all these months. And now it explodes out of me, closing over me like a tidal wave. What he--Battousai--just said...it's the truth, and I have to be a man, and face the fact.

A drip of blood, staining the white floor red. Battousai still will not loosen his grip on my kodachi. I can't attack again...can't deny again. But it's helping me to regain my consciousness

Hannya...Shikijou...Beshimi...Hyottoko...I've made you demons, and again I'm sorry. You can say I was blinded by darkness, and indeed I was...the strongest is just a title after all, honour is more important. After all that I've done...killed Okina, turned my back on Misao, murdered the innocent, convincing myself it was all for the four of you...I've lost my honour. I have only my life left.

And live I have to, as I have a reason to live for. If the Oniwabanshuu wants me back...if she still--

"Aoshi, do you know? Misao has taken the title of the present Okashira of the Oniwabanshuu...After your death battle with Okina-dono, to protect Kyoto and the Oniwabanshuu, to replace you, she has taken the challenge of being the Okashira."

Has he read my mind? To mention her while I'm just thinking about her...I remember her face the last time I saw her...after that battle with Okina. Full of fear, but hope and longing. I could have turned back and embraced her. But I walked away without a word. She must have been upset.

Now, the responsibilities that come with being Okashira lie with her as well. She must have done a good job, Kyoto was not burnt down just like Shishio planned. It isn't easy to be a leader, I should know. If I hadn't turned against them...if I hadn't killed Okina...if I hadn't left her, maybe she would not have had to do so...

"Misao...is a strong girl." I say what I mean. I had come to love that strength, in mind if not in body. But I never wanted her to live a battle and blood filled life, just as I had...the Bakumatsu is over. What she deserves is a life of peace and happiness. Being Okashira will spoil all that, does she know what she's getting herself into?

"Although I never liked her having anything to do with the Oniwabanshuu, I believe that she will have a happy leadership." A lie, betraying my heart. Many dangers come with the title of Oniwabanshuu Okashira. However, if it makes her happy...as long as she continues to smile...

"Is that so? When I promised that strong girl that I would bring you back, do you know that large drops of tears flowed down her face?"

I don't believe it. It can't be. You seldom cried, Misao, and definitely not large tears. But for me...all for me...all because of me. How can I ever repay you for those tears?

"No matter how strong you say she is, she is still sixteen. I believe that she gritted her teeth and did her best in the midst of this harsh reality. The only thing in this world that can compensate for, and right those tears, is you, and nothing else."

He's read my mind again, do we really think alike? And he's also answered my silent question.

"Even with that, Aoshi, are you still running away from reality? Are you still pretending that you need to prove that you're the strongest to make up for the four men who died, and escape in 'death'?" He's yelling by now. No, no, and no! He doesn't know what I think after all!

"Regain your strong heart! And call back the honour that you lost! The time that stopped at Kanryuutei moves now! The time to wake up is now!"

How true, but he does not have to tell me. Does he think that lowly of me? Angrily, I tightened my grip on my kodachi, which he had let go of, and hit him in the stomach with its handle.

All is silent. No sound of dripping blood, only of my heart pounding in my chest. It was as if darkness had lifted, and sunlight had returned. I stared at the nearby bookcase.

We do think alike after all. I can't deny it. Just a moment ago, I would not think twice about dying...my job would be done...after the title of the strongest is won...however he has voiced what my heart knows, but doesn't dare believe.

I can't die now. There's too much to live for. The four of them died so that I would live, and I can't let them down. Being the strongest is not everything. Besides, I still have her...I still have to make up for her tears, and the near-decade that we have been separated.

I need to go back, to be the Okashira, to let her lead the happy life she deserves. She is of light, not darkness. To lead in darkness is not meant for her. Perhaps then I can fully regain my own light...find my salvation

"Aoshi..."

I turn, will to live renewed, seeing the light once again. The battle needs to be continued, but I'm not afraid.

I can't die, and I won't die. I have someone to return to...someone to live for.

Owari

I know Okina does not die after battling with Aoshi, but my take is that, Aoshi thinks he's dead.
A weird thing--it seems easier for me to do Aoshi than Misao POVs! Don't ask me why...
Good luck to all those taking their exams, and I regret to say my school starts exams only in Term 2 wk 9 and 10 (13 to 23rd May) so I won't be putting up any new fics or chapters until the exams are over. But rest assured--I'll Be Back!
Before I forget, please C&C, I have a measly 2 for this series of fics!