"Super Mario Bros.: Saturday Secrets"
Chapter Two: Luigi and Linda
Mario has anger management problems. Luigi is unfaithful. Peach has a drinking problem. And Browser… well, you'll see. (Note: I don't own Super Mario Bros., Nintendo does—Nintendo does probably not support these stories. Okay?)
I slept in again. By the time I woke up, took a shower, and had a bite to eat, it was already one in the afternoon. I watched some TV while I impatiently waited for my date with Linda. Tonight, Linda, and me out for supper, and then back at my place. I felt a knot in my stomach as I remembered my teenage years…the seventies…what memories…
I Mario was a senior at the school. He was short and plump and in love with Linda. I on the other hand, wasn't a high school senior, had bad acne, and was skinny'n'tall like a stick. I was also madly in love with Linda. Linda Sinclair. Mario tried to ask her out many times before but she always said no. Poor Mario was hurt. Many months passed and still no luck. Until two weeks before the prom. Linda had no date, so when Mario asked her, she glumly said yes. Mario was elated and in heaven. He got to go to the prom with Linda and he wasn't modest about it either. Everyday he'd shove it in my face that Linda loves him (yeah right) and not me (why would she?).
It was the night of the big prom. I was stuck at home listening to my records in my pajamas, while fat Mario got to go out. He begged Dad all week if he could pick Linda up in Dad's brand-new Camaro. Dad flatly said nope and Mario was stuck to drive Linda to the prom in a big, dirty, plumbing van. The night was boring and the prom must have been too, because Mario came home before his midnight curfew. He looked sad and lost. The next day, I saw Linda at the grocery store. I said "hi" (my first words I've ever spoken to her) and she smiled back. We ended up talking. And that talking ended up to something else in the back of the store. Kissy kissy. Oh boys did I feel good! I had my first kiss! Before Mario did (I think)! It was hard keeping it a secret from Mario. But uh-oh. One day it slipped out and Mario was mad. Steam was coming out of his ears. Then in a flash of violence, Mario punched me in the face. Talk about anger problems. /I
I sat in my living room and smiled at my memories. Yesterday, by fluke, I met up with Linda again. We talked over coffee and I invited her out for dinner tonight at the best Italian restaurant in town. And maybe after that, some "honey action" at my place. Oh yeah baby!
Later on that night, well after dinner…
Linda stood in my doorway and I leaned in for a kiss. I took her coat and asked her if she'd like a cup of coffee. Wine perhaps? Tea? Water? She shook her head no and smooched me again. And again. Every kiss more passionate then the last. We made it to my bedroom. Then the phone rang. And rang. And rang. At like the millionth ring, I picked it up. It was Mario. And he was mad. What else was new?
"Luigi! Luigi! This is me, Mario. I'm at the police station. Come and bail me out, Luigi. Puh-leeze!" Mario pleaded on the phone. I told Linda to be quite but she didn't listen. Mario must have heard her because he fumed and asked, "What's that I hear? Who's that? Is it…" gasp! "Linda Sinclair!"
Oops. I was caught. After that incident when I was a teen, I promised Mario I wouldn't ever do anything with Linda ever again. I felt bad, and in hurry I made up some lame excuse and hung up on my brother. It didn't hit me that he was really at the station until 15 minutes later. And by that time Linda was loving me all over. Mmm'mmm good!