Calmly Walk Toward The Exits (1/1)
As the door shut behind Aslan and Nate, the final two to enter the
compound Cordelia grabbed Angel as he began to reach for Nate again. "For
crying outloud what the hell is going on? Who are you people and why in the
name of all that is holy did you bring this shit here! As if we don't have
enough problems with the brood-bunny!"
"Nice line. It seems that introductions would be appropriate." Krac began
solicitously. "Nate begin."
"Wha…Why do I have to start?" Nate whimpered sulkily, glaring at Angel as
he tried to practically disappear behind Aslan, only to be dragged back by
Krac to within arms reach of the lovesick vampire.
"Because, if you've been sent here to help we're obviously supposed to train
you." An evil grin lit Krac's face-not an unusual occurrence.
At this Nate paled. "Oh Dear God, No." The boyish-immortal moaned in
abject terror.
"What's your problem?" Aslan's eyebrows rose.
"I'm obviously going to die! Every trainee you've been given in the last
600 years has either died gorily, been misplaced or else mysteriously
disappeared only to wind up stark raving mad." Nate's voice rose several
octaves taking on the quality of a scared-or excited depending on your mind
set-thirteen year old girl, which served only to excite Angel further.
Aslan shook her head, "That's not true. You forgot about all the cult
leaders and that American president…what was his name…? That guy with the
thing, who did that other thing with the bombs and the dog...You know?"
"That was Mackenzie King, he was Canadian…The President was that guy with
the other thing and it was gerbils, hamsters and ferrets not a dog." Krac
reminded her, "Those poor, poor gerbils…Good thing Spunky rescued them..."
"Again with the psychospeak…where are the men in the little white suits with
the butterfly nets when you need them? Can either of you utter a sentence
that makes any kind of sense?" Cordy groaned. "What did I ever do to be
put in the same room with you freaks?"
Krac looked thoughtful, "I don't know but I'd guess your ambition to become
Miss-The-whole-Frickin-Universe-Revolves-Around-Me-Cause-I'm-Pretty-And-Can- Walk-and-Chew-Gum-at-the-Same-Frickin-Time.
didn't help your case."
"What? Is someone upset because I stole their title? Don't worry judging
from your behavior today, you'll get it back…and sooner rather than later."
Cordy replied politely.
"Can we return to what we were talking about and god damn it Aslan get this
freak off of me, please!" Nate cried as he grappled with Angel's octopus
arms.
Aslan glared at the vampire in question. "Angel, if you behave yourself
now…you can play later, maybe."
"WHAT?" Nate yelped in complete horror.
"It's called bargaining, look it up." Krac chirped happily.
Nate waved his arms trying not to let his voice get squeaky again, "Yes, but
I'm the one you're bargaining with! I didn't sign up for this!"
"You didn't sign up for anything, dummy! You were voluntold." Krac pointed
out succinctly.
"Still…"
Aslan glared at her new charge. "As if I'd just hand you over to the dead
guy, idiot."
"I would. I'd have no problem with it at all actually." Krac added
helpfully.
Nate cowered, "Bite me!"
"Are you sure you want to be saying that around him?" Krac grinned as
Angel's face brightened at that remark. "You're such a tease!"
Nate paled, "Umm…I'm just gonna hide behind the superstrong immortal now,
who knows how to stake vampires…Has in fact staked many a vampire and demons
and such and yeah, I'm gonna hide now…'Kay?"
"Has anyone ever told you how sexy you are when you babble?" Angel winked
suggestively.
Continuing to babble Nate tried to hide again, "Umm…No, and we don't need
any trendsetters round here. Thank you very much!"
"For god's sake! Just introduce yourself man!" Giles exploded rubbing his
temples almost wishing he could deal with Fluffy…err…Buffy and her special
brand of 'wit' again; unconsciously Giles made little quotation marks with
his fingers.
"I'm Nate. I work for the PTB, as I have for the last 400 years. I'm a
messenger of sorts…Like Herpes. And I've been sent here to give the best
agent in the PTB her new orders." Nate gushed.
"Then why are you looking at Aslan?" Krac wondered aloud. "Oops…Damn, no
filter."
Seeing a chance to bash Krac for once, Nate smiled. "I thought you stopped
taking the hallucinogens, Krac?"
"What's that supposed to mean, She-man?" Krac growled. "Try telling me,
I'm not the best the PTB has to offer? Who took out Death, Attila the Hun,
and made sure Napoleon came down with a mystical case of syphilis? And I'm
sorry, but you're like Herpes? Do we need to get you some penicillin or
what?"
"Nate, do you notice a pattern here?" Aslan grinned.
Scratching his dress covered thigh Nate smiled, "Denial?"
"Yep. It's nice to know that you can REWRITE history with the best of them,
Krac. You could give Jackie Collins a run for her money with that little
fictional 'alteration' you just spouted." Aslan nodded.
Krac bobbed up and down to the delight of Spike, Xander and Oz-Aslan made a
note to remind her to wear a bra, "C'mon Aslan, I did convince Death to lay
down his sword. I may make mistakes but I can fix them."
"Yeah. Except when I'm forced to fix them for you." Aslan crossed her arms
over her chest.
With a put-upon sigh Krac wheedled, "When are you going to let go of that?
How many times do I have to apologize? I'm sorry you were forced to be
Attila's young virgin bride. I thought we were even when you had me
imprisoned with the Marquis De Sade for three months."
Aslan glared. "Right. I 'had' you imprisoned. I had no powers, retard.
I couldn't do anything about it. And if you really want to continue this
discussion, I'll need a pad of paper and a pencil to list everything you've
done to me. What you consider a joke is very often the exact opposite!"
Krac glared at her partner, sticking out her tongue in a pique of fury. "So
sue me. I have a strange sense of humor…or maybe it's just perspective."
"When we were in Spain you told the Inquisitor I was a witch!" Aslan roared.
Using her hands Krac made shooing motions, "Please that was hilarious…until
they burnt you at the stake. Is it my fault you floated? How many times
do I have to tell you that when the tribunal dunks you in the pond, you stay
at the bottom until they think you're dead! You're clueless when it comes
to dealing with the plebeians."
"I'm going to..." Aslan's face was turning red.
"End you!" the Sunnydale boys chorused to the confusion of the LA crowd.
Sticking her tongue out Aslan huffed, "Bite me."
"What, are you channeling Nate, now?" Krac laughed gleefully.
The veins in Aslan's temple throbbed. "Why don't you go outside and play
hide and go fuck yourself. Or better yet go play in the road."
"Love to, but I'm not up to giving any old ladies heart attacks today. You
know I just bounce and roll; it's just not any fun anymore. Although on the
bright side if it wasn't for my untimely rising from the dead Queen Victoria
would've never died. But that's what the old bag gets for selling her soul
so cheaply. Eternal life and world domination-I'd have asked for youth as
well but maybe she liked being a wrinkled old bag. The British have no
imagination." Krac polished her nails on her shirt.
"Hey!" Both Wesley and Giles spluttered.
As Spike glared, "Oi! I'll 'ave you know I've got quite the imagination on
me."
"Sorry, Spike." Xander grinned. "I don't think perversion counts as
imagination."
"Why not?" Spike pouted prettily.
Giles sat heavily in a chair, "If you're finished mocking my heritage can we
please get this over with? I still need to catalogue and sort Aslan's
library."
"Oh, so that's what they're calling it these days, eh Rupert?" Xander
grinned mockingly.
Aslan sighed, "If I hadn't spent over 7,000 years with Krac I would've never
believed that so many dirty little thoughts could exist in one mind."
"Is that a compliment?" Xander perked up.
"Do you want to take it as one?" Aslan arched her brow playfully at the
dark haired youth.
The dark haired young man smiled broadly, "Sure. I'll take them any way I
can get 'em."
Spike coughed politely. "Loser."
"Shut up, Blondie. I guess I should introduce myself…my name is Aslan. I
think I'm a little over 8,000 years old, give or take. I stopped counting
after the first couple of hundred years. A girl can only admit to so many
birthday's before it becomes embarrassing. So let's just say I'm older than
all of you combined…And Herpes, the Wonder Messenger over there and leave it
at that. Life hasn't really been the same for me since the classical era
ended. I used to work in Divine intervention but a certain someone decided
to ignore me and lose a continent…"
Krac looked up innocently, "Who? Nate? Don't you know better than to play
with the red buttons?"
"How'd you know they were red?" Nate shot back, "I wasn't even alive then
anyway!"
"Why put a button somewhere if it's not supposed to be touched? It seems
rather stupid to make a button that destroys an entire island if pressed!
Buttons are made to be pushed…it's their function! Like it's a Scots man's
function to…" Krac began, "To like silky ladies panties under their kilts…"
Krac finished then returned to her previous rant, "But I didn't know I was
doing something wrong…"
Aslan was unimpressed, "And the big posters that read 'Warning Do NOT press
the BIG RED BUTTON because it will SINK THE ENTIRE ISLAND' didn't make it
clear enough to you that it was dangerous to play with them?"
"But they were shiny buttons…" Krac began, "You know I like buttons…"
Cordy looked at her watch, "Can I go now or are you planing on making sense
sometime this year?"
"I'm making sense!" Aslan roared then quieted deciding on the simple
approach, "I'm old, I'm powerful…so try not to piss me off too much or I can
and will…"
"END YOU!!!" Krac lead the boys in cheering.
Aslan reddened more, "Stop that! I will…
"NO!!!" Cordy raised her hands to her ears to block out some of the lunacy
in the room.
When the prom-queen uncovered them everyone was silent and Aslan actually
looked contrite until she muttered, "End you." Under her breath.
"Alright!" Cordy roared, "Say it again! I have a crossbow and know how to
use it! If you insist on continuing this shit…I'll have no choice but to…"
Krac smiled brightly helping Angel get closer to the cringing Nate even if
it meant going through Aslan to do it, "End her?"
"YES!" Cordy yelled then calmed.
Moving slowly she sat down and put her head in her hands. Taking his first
cue to speak Wesley piped up looking at Krac, "And you would be?"
All eyes moved towards the purple haired girl biting her nails in an attempt
to ignore Aslan's continued glares. A poke in the side brought Krac back to
reality, "Oww what? Are ya done?"
Aslan groaned, "About ten minutes ago…you weren't paying attention! You
never pay attention to me! I could have hot pokers in my eyes and you
wouldn't notice."
"Yes I would." Krac edged.
Fury lit Aslan's face, "You didn't last time! For Christ's sakes just tell
them who you are!"
"I told you not to say that name…never ever…ever say that name!" Krac stuck
her fingers in her ears in an attempt to block out the hated memory.
"Jesus, Jesus, Jesus! Jesus Christ…Superstar!" Aslan taunted gleefully
finally managing to return some of the pain Krac had been causing her.
The fingers came out and formed wicked looking fists; "I wouldn't have such
a problem with that era of my life if I wasn't painted so negatively in that
dumbassed book. I always knew those dorks were jealous! There's something
very wrong about a group of dudes wearing dresses following another dude
around…calling themselves 'Apostles'." Krac spit on the ground, "I've heard
of boy bands with better names than that! All because I had HIS undivided
attention…it's not my fault HE had needs that he didn't want them
fulfilling…ugh!"
"Krac this trip down memory lane is a joy but we don't have the time…" Aslan
cautioned her partner whose face was turning several shades of red, "Please,
just tell them."
"You keep saying that!" Giles muttered to himself, "You say you don't have
time yet you ramble on as if we will all live forever- not just the two of
you…"
The Immortals looked to each other then turned as one to Giles, "We need to
have a little talk about speaking only when we're spoken to- don't we little
man?" Krac tisked.
"Did he just do what I think he did?" Aslan asked then assumed a Cartman
voice, "Are you questioning my AUTHORITA?"
Nate shook his head, "Listen Tweedboy…Piece of advice. Never point out when
they're wrong or make no sense. Because it will always end up being your
fault…in their world even when they're wrong they're right."
The Immortals looked at each other once more with impossibly identical evil
smiles. Krac turned to Angel, "Gee Angel, old boy I think Nate's bleeding…"
"No I'm…" Nate realized too late he'd broken his own rule.
Krac's fist connected with his nose with just enough force to cause blood to
rush out. Angel leapt towards the young man with delirious glee and began
to maul the immortal. Spike watched cheerfully, "For the love of Pete, my
kingdom for a camera! Why is it that someone can be around the tape the cops
beating some motorist up but not the Poof acting like a Poof?"
"As opposed to him acting like...?" Aslan asked.
"A poof." Krac finished yawning, "But we were talking about me weren't we?"
Nate scrambled on the floor under Angel's weight, "Help!" Giving up any hope
that his fellow immortals would actually assist him he lifted his knee to
the area roughly described as Angel's 'manhood'.
"Ooooh…No fair mate!" Spike hissed.
"Queensbury rules!" Giles winced.
"Do it again!" Krac urged remembering how good it had felt to use Angel's
testicles as soccer balls.
Putting her fingers in the corners of her mouth Aslan let out a sharp
whistle. All present righted themselves and looked chagrined in the face of
her fury. With a death glare at Nate she sighed, "Nate why is it that you
refuse to take this seriously? Just stop putting your twisted sexual urges
first and tell us what the new mission is!"
"Ouch, that wasn't fair was it?" Krac asked with no sincerity, "Wish I'd
said it."
Nate reddened, "twisted sexual urges! The vampire was practically raping me
and it's my fault?"
"Who picked out that dress?" Krac raised an eyebrow.
"What does that have to do with it?" Nate sputtered.
Krac shrugged, "Well if you dress a certain way you just have to expect
trouble…and from the looks of it wearing a dress like that you're asking for
a vampire to rape you. Showing all that cleavage and neck…not to mention the
way the baby shit green accentuates your eyes."
"Bite me!" Nate roared feeling distinctly murderous-too bad he couldn't kill
Krac.
Krac's eyes widened, "See what I mean? You keep saying that…you should know
better than to say that in the company you're keeping. You just keep asking
for him to…"
"Krac!" Aslan sighed rubbing her temples in a very Giles-like fashion that
did not go ignored by Xander and Spike but any of their comments were cut
off by a wave of Aslan's hand, "just give us the mission Nate!"
Taking a breath Nate calmed himself, "You have to go to 227 Laurence Ave,
pick up Miss Sugar Plum Sexpot and escort her to the *Goddess of The Unknown
Universe Pageant* and protect her at all costs- without influencing the
outcome of the little meat parade. If you get my meaning." Nate finished
as he convulsed in a series of spasms and winking.
"Ummm…Aslan, I think we need that penicillin, now." Krac eyed the spasming
messenger warily. "Or should I just kill him before he turns on us?"
"Bi- Fuck off!" Nate yelped eying Angel with no small amount of panic.
"No biting, fangboy. Or you'll be looking at your balls in their new home
as my earrings.
Krac giggled. "Both ears, Herpes? You do know what that signifies don't
you? Veggie boy had both of his ears pierced…"
"And you talk about 'my twisted sexual urges?'" Nate griped.
"Hey, Buster- see how exciting the missionary position is after 7,000
years…then we'll talk about 'urges!'" Krac glared.
"Excuse me – we've got a 'Sexpot' to protect…" Aslan growled. "Sugarplum
Sexpot - JESUS…I'm too fucking old for this shit."
"So, if you're Danny Glover does that make me, Mel?" Krac leered.
Aslan glowered "Why do you get to be, Mel?"
"Well you said 'you were too old for this shit'-so that makes you Danny and
I'm you're partner, so that would make me Mel." Krac explained
"But I want to be, Mel." Aslan cried out stomping her foot.
Krac sighed, "But you're older and Danny was older…and I'm far too pale to
be Danny anyway at least you tan!"
"I do not!" Aslan pulled up her long sleeve to reveal an expanse of pale
white skin.
All present in the room cringed at the light reflecting off of the
immortal's skin. Nate cried out in horror, "I'm blind! I'm blind!"
Aslan glared at him but still heard Spike's muttered, "Are you sure you're
not a vampire, luv?"
"Bite me," Aslan pouted. "I want to be Mel."
"Fine!" Krac huffed, "Be Mel…he had that nasty mullet in the 80's anyway."
Aslan looked thoughtful for a moment, "Okay, I'll be Danny."
"Jesus!" Cordelia shrieked, "You both realize that no one but Mel can
actually be Mel, right?"
The immortals looked at each other then in a blink of an eye they both
morphed into the Australian actor. The twin Mel's looked at each other then
the one that resembled Mel in 'The patriot' smiled at the other from 'Lethal
Weapon', and uttered a swaggering, "How you doing?"
"I'm pretty messed up Patriot Mel…My wife died in an explosion and I'm quite
mental now."
The other Mel nodded and hollered, "Get me a flag! They killed my sons! The
English killed my children!"
Wesley, Giles and Spike jumped- then looked uncomfortable at the outburst.
"Which one, Patriot Mel?" Lethal Weapon Mel made an American flag
materialize in his hands, "Wesley, Giles or Spike? I'll bet it was Spike
because Giles is really more of a lover than a fighter and I'm not sure
about Wesley yet." Lethal weapon Mel leered at the former watcher making him
feel even more distinctly uncomfortable.
Patriot Mel made his way over to the young man and began to feel his arms
and torso, all the while making appreciative noises, "Not bad, what size are
your shoes again? Maybe there'll be a spot for you with the boys at
home…speaking of which did we feed them Lethal Weapon Mel? You know how
irreplaceable that Heath is…"
"But you married a young wife, Patriot Mel…she can replace him…you could
even name them the same and it'll be like you never lost them." Lethal
Weapon Mel sniggered, remembering their favorite in-joke.
"That's preposterous!" Giles sighed sitting down wearily, "That would never
work."
Patriot Mel morphed back into the form of Krac, "Hey! That's not true! When
my cat gizmo died I just named the next one Gizmo two it was all right…sure
one was black and the other white and Two there did develop a personality
disorder which resulted in it masterminding an assassination attempt on
Caesar…two hundred years after he died the first time…"
Lethal Weapon Mel morphed back to Aslan who pouted. "That was your cat? You
hate Julius so much that you infected your cat against him? Damn you! Juli
was a good man and he was mine! Who cares if he raped and pillaged and
killed your pet Druids!"
"I care dammit! He was short and bald and had a mead belly that made him
look ten months pregnant!"
Cordelia coughed and attempted to be the voice of reason. "Umm…yeah can we
forget about the guy who owns the pizza chain stores and just go get the
Sexpot and protect it so you two can take your big ball of crazy and park it
somewhere else? Please!"
"And you know all kinds of things about balls don't you, Miss Chase?" Krac
grinned laviciously.
Xander sighed, "I never thought I'd live to see the day when Cordy would be
the voice of reason…the world has got to be ending now."
The End....Until the next time.
As the door shut behind Aslan and Nate, the final two to enter the
compound Cordelia grabbed Angel as he began to reach for Nate again. "For
crying outloud what the hell is going on? Who are you people and why in the
name of all that is holy did you bring this shit here! As if we don't have
enough problems with the brood-bunny!"
"Nice line. It seems that introductions would be appropriate." Krac began
solicitously. "Nate begin."
"Wha…Why do I have to start?" Nate whimpered sulkily, glaring at Angel as
he tried to practically disappear behind Aslan, only to be dragged back by
Krac to within arms reach of the lovesick vampire.
"Because, if you've been sent here to help we're obviously supposed to train
you." An evil grin lit Krac's face-not an unusual occurrence.
At this Nate paled. "Oh Dear God, No." The boyish-immortal moaned in
abject terror.
"What's your problem?" Aslan's eyebrows rose.
"I'm obviously going to die! Every trainee you've been given in the last
600 years has either died gorily, been misplaced or else mysteriously
disappeared only to wind up stark raving mad." Nate's voice rose several
octaves taking on the quality of a scared-or excited depending on your mind
set-thirteen year old girl, which served only to excite Angel further.
Aslan shook her head, "That's not true. You forgot about all the cult
leaders and that American president…what was his name…? That guy with the
thing, who did that other thing with the bombs and the dog...You know?"
"That was Mackenzie King, he was Canadian…The President was that guy with
the other thing and it was gerbils, hamsters and ferrets not a dog." Krac
reminded her, "Those poor, poor gerbils…Good thing Spunky rescued them..."
"Again with the psychospeak…where are the men in the little white suits with
the butterfly nets when you need them? Can either of you utter a sentence
that makes any kind of sense?" Cordy groaned. "What did I ever do to be
put in the same room with you freaks?"
Krac looked thoughtful, "I don't know but I'd guess your ambition to become
Miss-The-whole-Frickin-Universe-Revolves-Around-Me-Cause-I'm-Pretty-And-Can- Walk-and-Chew-Gum-at-the-Same-Frickin-Time.
didn't help your case."
"What? Is someone upset because I stole their title? Don't worry judging
from your behavior today, you'll get it back…and sooner rather than later."
Cordy replied politely.
"Can we return to what we were talking about and god damn it Aslan get this
freak off of me, please!" Nate cried as he grappled with Angel's octopus
arms.
Aslan glared at the vampire in question. "Angel, if you behave yourself
now…you can play later, maybe."
"WHAT?" Nate yelped in complete horror.
"It's called bargaining, look it up." Krac chirped happily.
Nate waved his arms trying not to let his voice get squeaky again, "Yes, but
I'm the one you're bargaining with! I didn't sign up for this!"
"You didn't sign up for anything, dummy! You were voluntold." Krac pointed
out succinctly.
"Still…"
Aslan glared at her new charge. "As if I'd just hand you over to the dead
guy, idiot."
"I would. I'd have no problem with it at all actually." Krac added
helpfully.
Nate cowered, "Bite me!"
"Are you sure you want to be saying that around him?" Krac grinned as
Angel's face brightened at that remark. "You're such a tease!"
Nate paled, "Umm…I'm just gonna hide behind the superstrong immortal now,
who knows how to stake vampires…Has in fact staked many a vampire and demons
and such and yeah, I'm gonna hide now…'Kay?"
"Has anyone ever told you how sexy you are when you babble?" Angel winked
suggestively.
Continuing to babble Nate tried to hide again, "Umm…No, and we don't need
any trendsetters round here. Thank you very much!"
"For god's sake! Just introduce yourself man!" Giles exploded rubbing his
temples almost wishing he could deal with Fluffy…err…Buffy and her special
brand of 'wit' again; unconsciously Giles made little quotation marks with
his fingers.
"I'm Nate. I work for the PTB, as I have for the last 400 years. I'm a
messenger of sorts…Like Herpes. And I've been sent here to give the best
agent in the PTB her new orders." Nate gushed.
"Then why are you looking at Aslan?" Krac wondered aloud. "Oops…Damn, no
filter."
Seeing a chance to bash Krac for once, Nate smiled. "I thought you stopped
taking the hallucinogens, Krac?"
"What's that supposed to mean, She-man?" Krac growled. "Try telling me,
I'm not the best the PTB has to offer? Who took out Death, Attila the Hun,
and made sure Napoleon came down with a mystical case of syphilis? And I'm
sorry, but you're like Herpes? Do we need to get you some penicillin or
what?"
"Nate, do you notice a pattern here?" Aslan grinned.
Scratching his dress covered thigh Nate smiled, "Denial?"
"Yep. It's nice to know that you can REWRITE history with the best of them,
Krac. You could give Jackie Collins a run for her money with that little
fictional 'alteration' you just spouted." Aslan nodded.
Krac bobbed up and down to the delight of Spike, Xander and Oz-Aslan made a
note to remind her to wear a bra, "C'mon Aslan, I did convince Death to lay
down his sword. I may make mistakes but I can fix them."
"Yeah. Except when I'm forced to fix them for you." Aslan crossed her arms
over her chest.
With a put-upon sigh Krac wheedled, "When are you going to let go of that?
How many times do I have to apologize? I'm sorry you were forced to be
Attila's young virgin bride. I thought we were even when you had me
imprisoned with the Marquis De Sade for three months."
Aslan glared. "Right. I 'had' you imprisoned. I had no powers, retard.
I couldn't do anything about it. And if you really want to continue this
discussion, I'll need a pad of paper and a pencil to list everything you've
done to me. What you consider a joke is very often the exact opposite!"
Krac glared at her partner, sticking out her tongue in a pique of fury. "So
sue me. I have a strange sense of humor…or maybe it's just perspective."
"When we were in Spain you told the Inquisitor I was a witch!" Aslan roared.
Using her hands Krac made shooing motions, "Please that was hilarious…until
they burnt you at the stake. Is it my fault you floated? How many times
do I have to tell you that when the tribunal dunks you in the pond, you stay
at the bottom until they think you're dead! You're clueless when it comes
to dealing with the plebeians."
"I'm going to..." Aslan's face was turning red.
"End you!" the Sunnydale boys chorused to the confusion of the LA crowd.
Sticking her tongue out Aslan huffed, "Bite me."
"What, are you channeling Nate, now?" Krac laughed gleefully.
The veins in Aslan's temple throbbed. "Why don't you go outside and play
hide and go fuck yourself. Or better yet go play in the road."
"Love to, but I'm not up to giving any old ladies heart attacks today. You
know I just bounce and roll; it's just not any fun anymore. Although on the
bright side if it wasn't for my untimely rising from the dead Queen Victoria
would've never died. But that's what the old bag gets for selling her soul
so cheaply. Eternal life and world domination-I'd have asked for youth as
well but maybe she liked being a wrinkled old bag. The British have no
imagination." Krac polished her nails on her shirt.
"Hey!" Both Wesley and Giles spluttered.
As Spike glared, "Oi! I'll 'ave you know I've got quite the imagination on
me."
"Sorry, Spike." Xander grinned. "I don't think perversion counts as
imagination."
"Why not?" Spike pouted prettily.
Giles sat heavily in a chair, "If you're finished mocking my heritage can we
please get this over with? I still need to catalogue and sort Aslan's
library."
"Oh, so that's what they're calling it these days, eh Rupert?" Xander
grinned mockingly.
Aslan sighed, "If I hadn't spent over 7,000 years with Krac I would've never
believed that so many dirty little thoughts could exist in one mind."
"Is that a compliment?" Xander perked up.
"Do you want to take it as one?" Aslan arched her brow playfully at the
dark haired youth.
The dark haired young man smiled broadly, "Sure. I'll take them any way I
can get 'em."
Spike coughed politely. "Loser."
"Shut up, Blondie. I guess I should introduce myself…my name is Aslan. I
think I'm a little over 8,000 years old, give or take. I stopped counting
after the first couple of hundred years. A girl can only admit to so many
birthday's before it becomes embarrassing. So let's just say I'm older than
all of you combined…And Herpes, the Wonder Messenger over there and leave it
at that. Life hasn't really been the same for me since the classical era
ended. I used to work in Divine intervention but a certain someone decided
to ignore me and lose a continent…"
Krac looked up innocently, "Who? Nate? Don't you know better than to play
with the red buttons?"
"How'd you know they were red?" Nate shot back, "I wasn't even alive then
anyway!"
"Why put a button somewhere if it's not supposed to be touched? It seems
rather stupid to make a button that destroys an entire island if pressed!
Buttons are made to be pushed…it's their function! Like it's a Scots man's
function to…" Krac began, "To like silky ladies panties under their kilts…"
Krac finished then returned to her previous rant, "But I didn't know I was
doing something wrong…"
Aslan was unimpressed, "And the big posters that read 'Warning Do NOT press
the BIG RED BUTTON because it will SINK THE ENTIRE ISLAND' didn't make it
clear enough to you that it was dangerous to play with them?"
"But they were shiny buttons…" Krac began, "You know I like buttons…"
Cordy looked at her watch, "Can I go now or are you planing on making sense
sometime this year?"
"I'm making sense!" Aslan roared then quieted deciding on the simple
approach, "I'm old, I'm powerful…so try not to piss me off too much or I can
and will…"
"END YOU!!!" Krac lead the boys in cheering.
Aslan reddened more, "Stop that! I will…
"NO!!!" Cordy raised her hands to her ears to block out some of the lunacy
in the room.
When the prom-queen uncovered them everyone was silent and Aslan actually
looked contrite until she muttered, "End you." Under her breath.
"Alright!" Cordy roared, "Say it again! I have a crossbow and know how to
use it! If you insist on continuing this shit…I'll have no choice but to…"
Krac smiled brightly helping Angel get closer to the cringing Nate even if
it meant going through Aslan to do it, "End her?"
"YES!" Cordy yelled then calmed.
Moving slowly she sat down and put her head in her hands. Taking his first
cue to speak Wesley piped up looking at Krac, "And you would be?"
All eyes moved towards the purple haired girl biting her nails in an attempt
to ignore Aslan's continued glares. A poke in the side brought Krac back to
reality, "Oww what? Are ya done?"
Aslan groaned, "About ten minutes ago…you weren't paying attention! You
never pay attention to me! I could have hot pokers in my eyes and you
wouldn't notice."
"Yes I would." Krac edged.
Fury lit Aslan's face, "You didn't last time! For Christ's sakes just tell
them who you are!"
"I told you not to say that name…never ever…ever say that name!" Krac stuck
her fingers in her ears in an attempt to block out the hated memory.
"Jesus, Jesus, Jesus! Jesus Christ…Superstar!" Aslan taunted gleefully
finally managing to return some of the pain Krac had been causing her.
The fingers came out and formed wicked looking fists; "I wouldn't have such
a problem with that era of my life if I wasn't painted so negatively in that
dumbassed book. I always knew those dorks were jealous! There's something
very wrong about a group of dudes wearing dresses following another dude
around…calling themselves 'Apostles'." Krac spit on the ground, "I've heard
of boy bands with better names than that! All because I had HIS undivided
attention…it's not my fault HE had needs that he didn't want them
fulfilling…ugh!"
"Krac this trip down memory lane is a joy but we don't have the time…" Aslan
cautioned her partner whose face was turning several shades of red, "Please,
just tell them."
"You keep saying that!" Giles muttered to himself, "You say you don't have
time yet you ramble on as if we will all live forever- not just the two of
you…"
The Immortals looked to each other then turned as one to Giles, "We need to
have a little talk about speaking only when we're spoken to- don't we little
man?" Krac tisked.
"Did he just do what I think he did?" Aslan asked then assumed a Cartman
voice, "Are you questioning my AUTHORITA?"
Nate shook his head, "Listen Tweedboy…Piece of advice. Never point out when
they're wrong or make no sense. Because it will always end up being your
fault…in their world even when they're wrong they're right."
The Immortals looked at each other once more with impossibly identical evil
smiles. Krac turned to Angel, "Gee Angel, old boy I think Nate's bleeding…"
"No I'm…" Nate realized too late he'd broken his own rule.
Krac's fist connected with his nose with just enough force to cause blood to
rush out. Angel leapt towards the young man with delirious glee and began
to maul the immortal. Spike watched cheerfully, "For the love of Pete, my
kingdom for a camera! Why is it that someone can be around the tape the cops
beating some motorist up but not the Poof acting like a Poof?"
"As opposed to him acting like...?" Aslan asked.
"A poof." Krac finished yawning, "But we were talking about me weren't we?"
Nate scrambled on the floor under Angel's weight, "Help!" Giving up any hope
that his fellow immortals would actually assist him he lifted his knee to
the area roughly described as Angel's 'manhood'.
"Ooooh…No fair mate!" Spike hissed.
"Queensbury rules!" Giles winced.
"Do it again!" Krac urged remembering how good it had felt to use Angel's
testicles as soccer balls.
Putting her fingers in the corners of her mouth Aslan let out a sharp
whistle. All present righted themselves and looked chagrined in the face of
her fury. With a death glare at Nate she sighed, "Nate why is it that you
refuse to take this seriously? Just stop putting your twisted sexual urges
first and tell us what the new mission is!"
"Ouch, that wasn't fair was it?" Krac asked with no sincerity, "Wish I'd
said it."
Nate reddened, "twisted sexual urges! The vampire was practically raping me
and it's my fault?"
"Who picked out that dress?" Krac raised an eyebrow.
"What does that have to do with it?" Nate sputtered.
Krac shrugged, "Well if you dress a certain way you just have to expect
trouble…and from the looks of it wearing a dress like that you're asking for
a vampire to rape you. Showing all that cleavage and neck…not to mention the
way the baby shit green accentuates your eyes."
"Bite me!" Nate roared feeling distinctly murderous-too bad he couldn't kill
Krac.
Krac's eyes widened, "See what I mean? You keep saying that…you should know
better than to say that in the company you're keeping. You just keep asking
for him to…"
"Krac!" Aslan sighed rubbing her temples in a very Giles-like fashion that
did not go ignored by Xander and Spike but any of their comments were cut
off by a wave of Aslan's hand, "just give us the mission Nate!"
Taking a breath Nate calmed himself, "You have to go to 227 Laurence Ave,
pick up Miss Sugar Plum Sexpot and escort her to the *Goddess of The Unknown
Universe Pageant* and protect her at all costs- without influencing the
outcome of the little meat parade. If you get my meaning." Nate finished
as he convulsed in a series of spasms and winking.
"Ummm…Aslan, I think we need that penicillin, now." Krac eyed the spasming
messenger warily. "Or should I just kill him before he turns on us?"
"Bi- Fuck off!" Nate yelped eying Angel with no small amount of panic.
"No biting, fangboy. Or you'll be looking at your balls in their new home
as my earrings.
Krac giggled. "Both ears, Herpes? You do know what that signifies don't
you? Veggie boy had both of his ears pierced…"
"And you talk about 'my twisted sexual urges?'" Nate griped.
"Hey, Buster- see how exciting the missionary position is after 7,000
years…then we'll talk about 'urges!'" Krac glared.
"Excuse me – we've got a 'Sexpot' to protect…" Aslan growled. "Sugarplum
Sexpot - JESUS…I'm too fucking old for this shit."
"So, if you're Danny Glover does that make me, Mel?" Krac leered.
Aslan glowered "Why do you get to be, Mel?"
"Well you said 'you were too old for this shit'-so that makes you Danny and
I'm you're partner, so that would make me Mel." Krac explained
"But I want to be, Mel." Aslan cried out stomping her foot.
Krac sighed, "But you're older and Danny was older…and I'm far too pale to
be Danny anyway at least you tan!"
"I do not!" Aslan pulled up her long sleeve to reveal an expanse of pale
white skin.
All present in the room cringed at the light reflecting off of the
immortal's skin. Nate cried out in horror, "I'm blind! I'm blind!"
Aslan glared at him but still heard Spike's muttered, "Are you sure you're
not a vampire, luv?"
"Bite me," Aslan pouted. "I want to be Mel."
"Fine!" Krac huffed, "Be Mel…he had that nasty mullet in the 80's anyway."
Aslan looked thoughtful for a moment, "Okay, I'll be Danny."
"Jesus!" Cordelia shrieked, "You both realize that no one but Mel can
actually be Mel, right?"
The immortals looked at each other then in a blink of an eye they both
morphed into the Australian actor. The twin Mel's looked at each other then
the one that resembled Mel in 'The patriot' smiled at the other from 'Lethal
Weapon', and uttered a swaggering, "How you doing?"
"I'm pretty messed up Patriot Mel…My wife died in an explosion and I'm quite
mental now."
The other Mel nodded and hollered, "Get me a flag! They killed my sons! The
English killed my children!"
Wesley, Giles and Spike jumped- then looked uncomfortable at the outburst.
"Which one, Patriot Mel?" Lethal Weapon Mel made an American flag
materialize in his hands, "Wesley, Giles or Spike? I'll bet it was Spike
because Giles is really more of a lover than a fighter and I'm not sure
about Wesley yet." Lethal weapon Mel leered at the former watcher making him
feel even more distinctly uncomfortable.
Patriot Mel made his way over to the young man and began to feel his arms
and torso, all the while making appreciative noises, "Not bad, what size are
your shoes again? Maybe there'll be a spot for you with the boys at
home…speaking of which did we feed them Lethal Weapon Mel? You know how
irreplaceable that Heath is…"
"But you married a young wife, Patriot Mel…she can replace him…you could
even name them the same and it'll be like you never lost them." Lethal
Weapon Mel sniggered, remembering their favorite in-joke.
"That's preposterous!" Giles sighed sitting down wearily, "That would never
work."
Patriot Mel morphed back into the form of Krac, "Hey! That's not true! When
my cat gizmo died I just named the next one Gizmo two it was all right…sure
one was black and the other white and Two there did develop a personality
disorder which resulted in it masterminding an assassination attempt on
Caesar…two hundred years after he died the first time…"
Lethal Weapon Mel morphed back to Aslan who pouted. "That was your cat? You
hate Julius so much that you infected your cat against him? Damn you! Juli
was a good man and he was mine! Who cares if he raped and pillaged and
killed your pet Druids!"
"I care dammit! He was short and bald and had a mead belly that made him
look ten months pregnant!"
Cordelia coughed and attempted to be the voice of reason. "Umm…yeah can we
forget about the guy who owns the pizza chain stores and just go get the
Sexpot and protect it so you two can take your big ball of crazy and park it
somewhere else? Please!"
"And you know all kinds of things about balls don't you, Miss Chase?" Krac
grinned laviciously.
Xander sighed, "I never thought I'd live to see the day when Cordy would be
the voice of reason…the world has got to be ending now."
The End....Until the next time.