When Mary Sues go bad

Part 2: P.J's eternal rival

Authors notes: I'm bringing in another Mary Sue I made up named Ted. Why is Ted still alive? Well I'm not going to explain it to you. You're just going to have to read the story to find out.

"Gwaaaak!" said the new Misato.

"Damn it! Things like this shouldn't happen to a Mary Sue! Let me guess, your Pen Pen!" P.J began to bang his head against a lamp post in his frustration. "This makes me so mad…Grrr.." P.J's canines began to elongate a little. "No….I need to stay in control. I'd better beat myself up some more so that I don't transform." P.J began to beat the crap out of himself Tyler Durden style smacking himself all over the beach.

"Gwaaack!"

"Hey pal…cough! Your lucky you ain't a bird anymore. If you were I would've eaten you by now…" P.J collapsed back onto the beach having somehow managed hit himself in the stomach with a roundhouse kick 300 times. A physical impossibility, but nothings impossible to a Mary Sue.

"Gwacck!" PenPen started to walk away, stumbling because he/she wasn't used to having such long legs.

"That's right! My super cool Eva unit 22 got left back in that contrived universe which I blew up. I need a new EVA. After all the blue thunder of Tokyo three can't be seen with out a cool set of wheels! HAHAHAHA!"

"But EVAs don't have wheels." Remarked Shinji who was cautiously watching the maniac from behind a sand dune. "By the way why is he wearing a T-shirt with pictures of anime versions of us on it?"

"How the hell should I know?!? He's your hallucination!"

"Hey could you guys look away for a second?" asked P.J

"How did he know we were here?"

"Never mind that. Just look away for a second. If you don't I'll start stripping."

Shinji and Asuka looked away. "Ok you can turn around now."

"How the hell did that get there?" both Shinji and Asuka asked.

"Don't sweat the small stuff. It's sort of like that trick with that David Copperfield guy."

Eva unit 5 had suddenly appeared on the beach. It's head was still deformed into multiple faces of Rei from when it had mutated during 3rd impact. However all the faces had their eyes closed as if the huge deformed giant were sleeping.

"Is it dead?" asked Shinji.

"Don't talk to hallucinations!"

"Asuka hallucination or not I don't think he's going anywhere. We might as well see what's going on. It could be important if he's real."

"It probably won't be for you two to be honest." P.J took out something that looked like a bent railroad spike sharpened into a curved blade with strange runes on it. "This is my rune railroad spike soul scruncher. It steals the life force of anyone I poke it with and stores it for further use. I think it's full right now but I might need a little more. Wanna come over here Asuka? I got something funny to show you."

"Uhhh I think I'll pass."

"Your no fun. Well I probably have enough." P.J began chanting "There's no place like home! There's no place like home!" the runes on his railroad spike began to glow bluish. Suddenly all the multiple Rei faces sprang to life and began to giggle girlishly. P.J burst out into maniacal laughter along with them. Both Asuka and Shinji had to put their hands over their ears in an attempt to drown out the awful laughter.

"Why did you bring that freak back to life? That thing nearly killed me!" asked Asuka

"It's going to be my new EVA. My old EVA was really cool but one day I thought it would be fun if I tried self destructing. Now that I think about it, that was probably a bad idea. The blast completely vaporized Japan."

"If that's true how did you survive?"

P.J blushed and said "Well now that's none of your business now is it." He gave unit 5 a kick and the eva coughed up the dummy plug in a puddle of LCL. With a slice from soul scruncher the dummy plug was cut open. Inside was a little tiny shriveled up Kowaru clone that had been left inside the LCL for too long. "Here you go Shinji. Just add water and you'll have you're very own dummy Kowaru.

The shriveled up Kowaru clone began to drool on Shinji. "Uhhh…Asuka!"

"Don't you come near me with that thing Shinji!"

P.J jumped up on top of unit five and said "Well it's been fun but I have more eventful universes to play with." Nothing happened. "Stop looking at me."

"Ummm why?" asked Shinji.

"Who cares! Just look away before I decide to use soul scruncher on you two!" They both looked away. When they looked back P.J and the EVA were gone.

"You know Asuka. You may have been right. Maybe that was a hallucination."

"Of course I'm right!"

"But Asuka, if you are right then where did that come from?" the little shriveled up Kowaru glomped onto Shinjis leg and said "I love you!"

Suddenly there was a loud bang coming from behind Shinji and Asuka. They turned to see a girl with two long pink pig tails, a weird round purple thing on her head, a skimpy red and blue magical girl outfit with pinkish dominatrix style looking tights. "Asuka! You were right! We have gone crazy!"

"I missed him again! And I can't find which universe he went to! Ahhh! What a pain for Kobayashi!" said Poemi who then vanished as fast as she had come.

In another more contrived universe

Maya Ibuki had just finished breakfast and was about to leave for work when there was a huge crash outside her house. It sounded as if a sky scraper had just collapsed. It might be another angel. Maya went over to the window and looked outside to see a big white eva lying on the ground with multiple giggling Rei faces staring at her. Maya dropped her coffee mug and ran away screaming.

"Ooops. Looks like I forgot to think ahead again." Said P.J scratching the back of his head sheepishly. "Where could I hide this thing? I know!"

half an hour later

Ritsuko arrived on the scene. Men in black suits were all over the place sealing off the area. "This boy was found on the scene throwing balls of crumpled up newspaper onto the unknown eva."

P.J waved his hand in front of the mans face and said "I already told you. There's no eva here."

The man raised an eyebrow. "Kid you've been watching to much star wars."

"Why isn't my aura of smooth working?"

"Aura of smooth? What are you talking about?" asked Ritsuko.

"Well it's what we call this glowy thingy that surrounds our body. Only we can see it and we can use it to fool regular people like this." He waved his hand in front of Ritsukos face and said "It's so hot out that you decide to take off your clothes! And if it were working you would listen to me and do it but it's not working! And you morons are going to take away my lovely unit five!" P.J began to bang his head on the cement in frustration. All the mutliple Rei faces began to laugh at him. P.J glared at the EVA. "So you think this is funny eh? That's it! I don't have to take this from you! You can just go pilot yourself for all I care." P.J started to walk away.

"I'm afraid I can't allow you to leave." Said another black suited man blocking his pathway.

P.J looked at the man and with lightning speed he struck biting him on the arm.

Later in Gendos office

"The bones in the arm of the man who was bitten have all been completely shattered. No human could have done that."

"We could classify it as an angel…..but somehow…..It just doesn't seem right for the angels to bite people." Said Gendo.

"That's what I thought too. Our men are still searching for the mystery boy but so far he's nowhere to be found."

"Hmmm if this gets to out of hand we may have to use Ted to help us track him down."

"But Ted's much more valuable to us as our ace pilot in the war against the angels. What if Ted got bitten?"

"Heh. I doubt Ted could be stopped by something like a mere bite. His existence is something beyond our own."

Somewhere in Tokyo three

P.J was wearing a surgical mask and some sunglasses. "Hehe they'll never recognize me."

"Freeze!"

"How did you guys recognize me? Oh yeah that's right. Without my aura these crappy disguises won't work." P.J ran away with about ten men in black suits chasing after him firing on him. "Fortunately I still have my speed see you later!" P.J ran away so fast he left the ten men in black suits with stitches in their sides panting on the sidewalk.

It was a warm sunny day and Shinji thought it would be nice to eat his lunch outside with his good friend Ted who just may be more then a good friend(blah!). Asuka and Rei were also there too. Ted was a blond haired guy with blue eyes who could turn the world on with his smile and stood about five foot five, the only thing out of place was a white bandanna tied around his fore head. "Ahhh what a lovely day it is! But not as lovely day it is. But not as lovely as you." Shinji , Asuka and Rei all blushed, each seeming to think he was talking to them. Ted had them in the bag hook line and sinker! Petals of Sakura began to fall and it would have turned into a scene out of some Sho-jo manga if the brick wall hadn't suddenly exploded. Ted looked into the cloud of dust and saw someone climb out from under the bricks. It was a strange pink haired kid with deely boppers. Ted's Mary Tyler Moor smile changed into an ugly scowl and he shouted "IT'S YOU!" Ted grabbed the nearest object, which unfortunately happened to be Kensuke, and started smashing him repeatedly against P.J.

"What's going on here? Ted? Oh shit of all the universe I had to end up in yours!" shouted P.J who caught him between his hands like they do with swords in those ninja anime.

"I should have known you were behind this. I couldn't use my aura because yours was canceling mine out."

"YOU! YOU! YOU!" With a look of utter rage Ted grabbed P.J around the neck and began to squeeze.

"Ted I'm not that kind of guy. The only one for me is Misato-chan!"

"Misatos mine! And so is every other girl and even some of the guys in this anime!" he flung P.J into the brick wall making a crater.

"What did you just say Ted?" asked Asuka who looked like she may be coming out from under his influence.

"Oh nothing dear!" A bunch of veins were beginning to pop up out of his fore head.

"Asuka! That guys nothing but a play boy. I know all about you Ted, Your even in a relationship with PenPen!"

"Well at least I'm not trying to eat PenPen!"

"Wait a minute. You and PenPen!" said Shinji starting to back away.

"Y-y-you! Hentai!" Asuka double slapped him and ran away. Rei just walked over to Ted and smacked him. Then he felt someone else tap him on the shoulder. It was PenPen! PenPen slapped him with his flipper.

"P.J! Everytime we get in the same universe together this happens! How dare you mess up my universe again! You call yourself a Mary sue! Mary Sue's were built to protect their universes and you blew yours up."

"Yeah right. Most Mary Sues think so but in the end we usually do more damage then the things we fight. Sure you might stop third impact but the reality of the universe will be warped beyond control which will eventually destroy it. We're both parasites who bend reality to satisfy our desires at least I'm honest about it."

"You, can't talk to me that way! All my intents are pure and this world will be a better place because of it!"

"So that's why you and penpen….."

"I'll have you know that my love for PenPen and the others is entirely pure unlike your sleaze!"

"What! That's it! No one talks to the blue thunder of Tokyo 3 like that and gets away with it!" P.J slipped some knuckle blades onto his hand. Each blade was about two feet long.

"Where were you keeping those knuckle blades?"

P.J blushed "Well now that's none of your business."

"Don't give me bad images! ACK!"

"Ha! You fell for my distraction technique where I give you bad images while I impale you!"

"Feh! Something like that can't kill me. P.J I've changed since we last met." Ted took off his bandanna and there was a Kanji on it. "This is the sign of the void. I'm a WU now. Which means I'm an immortal! ACK!"

P.J cut off his head and tucked it under his arm "Listen Ted I think it's time we had a little man to head talk."

"Blast your impudence! Put me down this instant!"

"Mind if I draw on your face?"

"Freeze!"

"Gee I guess carrying a head around was a bit conspicuous of me now wasn't it? Hey listen this isn't what it looks like! See he's actually still alive! Say something Ted!"

Ted closed his eyes and didn't say anything.

"Ted you bastard!" all the men in black suits began to fire on P.J again as he ran away with Teds head.