----------------------------------------------------------------------------
CHAPTER 3
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Viceroy and Rude Hacko are in the conference room sitting with a hologram of Darth Silliness.
Silliness: -which brings us to our next item, the blockade of Naboo. So, Queen Armadillo, she sign the treaty or what? What's the deal here?
Viceroy: She has, uh, escaped. And it's impossy-bull to locate the ship, it's out of our range.
Silliness: Not for a Sith!
Another Sith appears.
Silliness: This is my apprentice, Darth Maul. He will find your lost ship.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Captain Panic-uh, Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and R2-D2 stand before the Queen and her handmaidens.
Captain: - a very well put together little droid. He has saved our lives.
Queen: Then he is to be committed. What is his number?
Captain: R2-D2.
Queen: Thank you R2-D2.
R2-D2: Bleepedy bloop, bee doo.
Queen: Padmé, clean this droid up at once! Continue, Captain.
Captain: Uh…
Qui-Gon: With your permission, Your Majesty, we're heading toward the remote planet of Tattoospleen. The Trade Federal-ation THING will not find us there.
Captain: I do not agree with the Jedi on this!
Qui-Gon: And I do not agree with your hair, you're just gonna have to trust my judgement.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Padmé is cleaning up R2-D2, muttering to herself.
Padmé: This job sucks…
Jarari walks in.
Jarari: Hedo! Meesa Jarari Bink, whosa are yousa?
Padmé: I'm Padmé. You're a Gungan aren't you?
Jarari: Uh… yup.
Padmé: What're you doing here with us.
Jarari: My no know. Disa all berry confoosing. Meesa see Jedi, meesa see maka-neeks. Meesa see boss. Meesa get poonished. Meesa running and getting crunched an zapped an shootin, big teeth, star sinkin in no power, den pow! Meesa here!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The spaceship approaches Tatoospleen.
Riccola: 39 bottle of beer on the wall, take one down, pass it around, 38 bottles of…
Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon and Captain Panic-uh: SHUT UP!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The ship lands, Obi-Wan is inspecting the place where the engine used to be, blue flames are coming out of the ship.
Obi-Wan: I'm no technical genius, but I think we need a new hyperdrive generator.
Qui-Gon: Yeah, no kidding. Well, Jarari and I will go to town and get one.
Captain: The Queen wants you to take her handmaiden Padmé with you. So the Queen can learn more about the planet.
Obi-Wan: Wouldn't "Padmé" then be learning more about the planet?
Qui-Gon: This spaceport will be no bed of roses.
Captain: The Queen WISHES it, we used a magic lamp and every thing. You know? Genies...
Qui-Gon: Uh... sure... whatever, I'll be leaving now... away from you... see ya later...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Qui-Gon, Padmé, Jarari, and R2-D2 are in the town of Mos Espa.
Qui-Gon: Let's try one of the smaller dealers.
They try one of the smaller dealers. It is an ugly half pig/half mosquito alien names Swatto.
Swatto: Good day to you, what do you want?
Qui: I need a hyperdrive generator for a Q-type 123 Nubian.
Swatto: Letta say you and me go out back, I'm sure we'll find what you need, heh! Shananakin! Watch the store!
A little boy named Shananakin comes in, Qui-Gon, R2-D2 and Swatto go out back.
Shananakin is staring at Padmé.
Shanankin: Are you an angel?
Padmé: Say what?
SHANANAKIN: An angel. The drunk space pilots talk about them, they're the most beautiful creatures in the universe. They come from the moons of Ego. I think.
Padmé: Well, I'm no angel. I'm Padmé Cranberry.
Shanankin: And I'm Shanankin Moonwalker, a real live person.
Jarari activates a pit droid, it sproings to life.
Jarari: YAGH! IS AWIVE!
The pit droid chases him around the shop.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Swatto is outback showing Qui-Gon his props and memorabilia from various sci-fi movies.
Swatto: Thee are in luck, I do have a hyperdrive generator. But it costa mucho dinero metia!
Qui-Gon: Do you take Jedi MasterCards?
Swatto: Republic credit cards? Bah! Humbug! Republic credit cards are no good out here, I need real money.
Qui-Gon: I have nothing else, but CREDITS WILL DO FINE.
Swatto: Uh, no they won't.
Qui-Gon: No, I don't think you heard me: CREDITS WILL DO FINE.
Swatto: No, they won't!
Qui-Gon: Will!
Swatto: Won't
Qui-Gon: Will!
Swatto: Won't
Qui-Gon: Will!
Swatto: Won't
Qui-Gon: Will!
Swatto: Won't
Qui-Gon ignites his lightsaber.
Qui-Gon: I guess I'm not making myself clear…
Swatto: I don't take-uh threats, only money. No money, no parts, no deal!
Qui-Gon smiles and leaves.
Jarari is chasing the droid around the shop. Crashes and bangs can be heard.
SHANANAKIN: I don't think Swatto was going to sell that anyway.
Qui-Gon: We're leaving.
They leave.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Qui-Gon is on the phone with Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan's comlink doubles as a razor, so he's shaving with it right now.
Qui-Gon: And there's nothing on board?
Captain: My 20th Anniversary Mr. Rogers Commemorative stamp collection.
Riccola: My lucky potato.
Obi-Wan: Nothing of value.
Qui-Gon: Well, we've tried selling Jarari, but no one will take him. So we'll have to find another way.
They leave and Jarari is left behind, he sees a frog vendor, he grabs one of the frogs with his tongue. The frog vendor walks up.
Frog Vendor: Hey Hey! Da Willie Wonka?
Jarari: Huh? Wonka?
He sees the bloody butcher knife the vendor is holding and screams, the frog flies out of his mouth and hits a mean alien called Sebublug in the head. Sebublug jumps at him.
Sebublug: Yumo yumo!*
*-You fool, you will pay for your insolence, now I will beat thee unmercifully.
Shananakin walks up.
SHANANAKIN: Checkers Sebublug. Duck Duck Goosa. Meetesa radical coupons y chop sui.*
*-Careful, Sebublug. He's a big time outlander. I'd hate to see you diced before we race again.
Sebublug: Licky chihauhau worm-o, monkey swing!*
*-Next time we race, I will happily kill you.
SHANANAKIN: Y Chewbacca dey moulee ra.*
*-Yeah, it'd be a pity if you had to pay for me.
Sebublug walks off, Padmé, Qui-Gon and R2-D2 come up.
SHANANAKIN: Hi!
Qui-Gon: Hi!
Jarari: Hi!
R2-D2: Hi!
Random Person: Hi!
Padmé: Hey!
Everyone looks at her.
Padmé: I mean 'hi!'
SHANANAKIN: You're goofy CG buddy here was about to become a lifeless goo. He picked a fight with a dangerous bully called Sebublug.
Jarari: Wha? Das no true! He makee da up! Meesa pick nutin wit no one!
Qui-Gon: Nevertheless the boy saved you from a well-deserved wooping, thanks my young friend.
The all walk away.
Jarari: Hey dassa no fair! Meesa doin nutin!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A sandstorms abrewin'. Obi-Wan and the Captain stand outside the Queen's ship.
Obi-Wan: Heh heh! Am I good or am I good? This storm otta slow them down! Woo!
Captain: Nice work.
The comlink buzzes.
Captain: Panic-uh!
Voice: What's your favorite scary movie?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shananakin, Padmé, Qui-Gon, Jarari, and R2-D2 are at a stand where an old lady is selling dry banana chips. Qui-Gon is looking around.
SHANANAKIN: Here you'll like these dried bananas.
Qui-Gon puts them in his pocket, Shananakin notices his lightsaber.
Old Lady: Ouch!
SHANANAKIN: What's wrong?
Old Lady: Oh, my bones are achin'. Could mean a sandstorms coming up or it could just mean… I'm old.
SHANANAKIN: If there's a sandstorm coming, you can go to my house.
They go to his house.
SHANANAKIN: Hey Mom! I'm home! I brought four strange people with me!
Shananakin's Mom appears.
Qui-Gon: Hi, I'm Qui-Gon Jinn, your son offered us some shelter.
SHANANAKIN: Wanna see the droid I'm building? Yipee! I'll go show ya PPO!
He drags Padmé to his room, R2-D2 follows.
Padmé: Straight to the bedroom…
Shananakin pulls a blanket off of his creation.
SHANANAKIN: Isn't he great.
Padmé: (sarcastically) He's downright perfect.
C-PPO: Perfect? Hello, I am C-PPO, human-cyborg relations.
R2-D2: Beepedy boop!
C-PPO: R2-D2, a pleasure! I am C-PPO, human-cyborg relations.
R2-D2: Beep toot.
C-PPO: What do you mean I'm 'naked'?
R2-D2: Boody doop.
C-PPO: My PARTS ARE SHOWING? OH MY!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Captain, Obi-Wan, the Queen and her handmaidens are watching Sio Babble on a hologram.
Sio Babble: Death toll-catastrophic. Must bow to there wishes. You must contact me.
Queen: What do you think?
Obi-Wan: I think that was the lowsiest movie I ever saw; I think your really not the Queen and Padmé is; I think Senator Palpatine is really Darth Silliness; I think those two handmaidens of yours are secret lovers; I think that the Captain here should get a different haircut, and I think it's about time you fired that Ricolla guy. I think the message is a trick; I think I need a bigger part in this movie and I think I'm only allowed to talk to any character that's not my Master only once. And I think you should send no reply at all, send no transmissions of any kind.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Obi-Wan is in the cockpit on the comlink again.
Qui-Gon: Sounds like they're trying to establish a connection trace.
Obi-Wan: What if it is true? I just made a complete idiot out of myself. And what if the Naboo are dying?
Qui-Gon: Then we're running out of time… and I doubt we'll get paid either.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two shadowy figures are walking on a balcony on the city planet of Corusnot.
Darth Silliness: Go to Tattospleen and keel the Jedi, then take the Queen to Naboo.
Darth Maul: At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last we will have revenge.
Darth Silliness: Good for you.
CHAPTER 3
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Viceroy and Rude Hacko are in the conference room sitting with a hologram of Darth Silliness.
Silliness: -which brings us to our next item, the blockade of Naboo. So, Queen Armadillo, she sign the treaty or what? What's the deal here?
Viceroy: She has, uh, escaped. And it's impossy-bull to locate the ship, it's out of our range.
Silliness: Not for a Sith!
Another Sith appears.
Silliness: This is my apprentice, Darth Maul. He will find your lost ship.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Captain Panic-uh, Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and R2-D2 stand before the Queen and her handmaidens.
Captain: - a very well put together little droid. He has saved our lives.
Queen: Then he is to be committed. What is his number?
Captain: R2-D2.
Queen: Thank you R2-D2.
R2-D2: Bleepedy bloop, bee doo.
Queen: Padmé, clean this droid up at once! Continue, Captain.
Captain: Uh…
Qui-Gon: With your permission, Your Majesty, we're heading toward the remote planet of Tattoospleen. The Trade Federal-ation THING will not find us there.
Captain: I do not agree with the Jedi on this!
Qui-Gon: And I do not agree with your hair, you're just gonna have to trust my judgement.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Padmé is cleaning up R2-D2, muttering to herself.
Padmé: This job sucks…
Jarari walks in.
Jarari: Hedo! Meesa Jarari Bink, whosa are yousa?
Padmé: I'm Padmé. You're a Gungan aren't you?
Jarari: Uh… yup.
Padmé: What're you doing here with us.
Jarari: My no know. Disa all berry confoosing. Meesa see Jedi, meesa see maka-neeks. Meesa see boss. Meesa get poonished. Meesa running and getting crunched an zapped an shootin, big teeth, star sinkin in no power, den pow! Meesa here!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The spaceship approaches Tatoospleen.
Riccola: 39 bottle of beer on the wall, take one down, pass it around, 38 bottles of…
Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon and Captain Panic-uh: SHUT UP!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The ship lands, Obi-Wan is inspecting the place where the engine used to be, blue flames are coming out of the ship.
Obi-Wan: I'm no technical genius, but I think we need a new hyperdrive generator.
Qui-Gon: Yeah, no kidding. Well, Jarari and I will go to town and get one.
Captain: The Queen wants you to take her handmaiden Padmé with you. So the Queen can learn more about the planet.
Obi-Wan: Wouldn't "Padmé" then be learning more about the planet?
Qui-Gon: This spaceport will be no bed of roses.
Captain: The Queen WISHES it, we used a magic lamp and every thing. You know? Genies...
Qui-Gon: Uh... sure... whatever, I'll be leaving now... away from you... see ya later...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Qui-Gon, Padmé, Jarari, and R2-D2 are in the town of Mos Espa.
Qui-Gon: Let's try one of the smaller dealers.
They try one of the smaller dealers. It is an ugly half pig/half mosquito alien names Swatto.
Swatto: Good day to you, what do you want?
Qui: I need a hyperdrive generator for a Q-type 123 Nubian.
Swatto: Letta say you and me go out back, I'm sure we'll find what you need, heh! Shananakin! Watch the store!
A little boy named Shananakin comes in, Qui-Gon, R2-D2 and Swatto go out back.
Shananakin is staring at Padmé.
Shanankin: Are you an angel?
Padmé: Say what?
SHANANAKIN: An angel. The drunk space pilots talk about them, they're the most beautiful creatures in the universe. They come from the moons of Ego. I think.
Padmé: Well, I'm no angel. I'm Padmé Cranberry.
Shanankin: And I'm Shanankin Moonwalker, a real live person.
Jarari activates a pit droid, it sproings to life.
Jarari: YAGH! IS AWIVE!
The pit droid chases him around the shop.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Swatto is outback showing Qui-Gon his props and memorabilia from various sci-fi movies.
Swatto: Thee are in luck, I do have a hyperdrive generator. But it costa mucho dinero metia!
Qui-Gon: Do you take Jedi MasterCards?
Swatto: Republic credit cards? Bah! Humbug! Republic credit cards are no good out here, I need real money.
Qui-Gon: I have nothing else, but CREDITS WILL DO FINE.
Swatto: Uh, no they won't.
Qui-Gon: No, I don't think you heard me: CREDITS WILL DO FINE.
Swatto: No, they won't!
Qui-Gon: Will!
Swatto: Won't
Qui-Gon: Will!
Swatto: Won't
Qui-Gon: Will!
Swatto: Won't
Qui-Gon: Will!
Swatto: Won't
Qui-Gon ignites his lightsaber.
Qui-Gon: I guess I'm not making myself clear…
Swatto: I don't take-uh threats, only money. No money, no parts, no deal!
Qui-Gon smiles and leaves.
Jarari is chasing the droid around the shop. Crashes and bangs can be heard.
SHANANAKIN: I don't think Swatto was going to sell that anyway.
Qui-Gon: We're leaving.
They leave.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Qui-Gon is on the phone with Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan's comlink doubles as a razor, so he's shaving with it right now.
Qui-Gon: And there's nothing on board?
Captain: My 20th Anniversary Mr. Rogers Commemorative stamp collection.
Riccola: My lucky potato.
Obi-Wan: Nothing of value.
Qui-Gon: Well, we've tried selling Jarari, but no one will take him. So we'll have to find another way.
They leave and Jarari is left behind, he sees a frog vendor, he grabs one of the frogs with his tongue. The frog vendor walks up.
Frog Vendor: Hey Hey! Da Willie Wonka?
Jarari: Huh? Wonka?
He sees the bloody butcher knife the vendor is holding and screams, the frog flies out of his mouth and hits a mean alien called Sebublug in the head. Sebublug jumps at him.
Sebublug: Yumo yumo!*
*-You fool, you will pay for your insolence, now I will beat thee unmercifully.
Shananakin walks up.
SHANANAKIN: Checkers Sebublug. Duck Duck Goosa. Meetesa radical coupons y chop sui.*
*-Careful, Sebublug. He's a big time outlander. I'd hate to see you diced before we race again.
Sebublug: Licky chihauhau worm-o, monkey swing!*
*-Next time we race, I will happily kill you.
SHANANAKIN: Y Chewbacca dey moulee ra.*
*-Yeah, it'd be a pity if you had to pay for me.
Sebublug walks off, Padmé, Qui-Gon and R2-D2 come up.
SHANANAKIN: Hi!
Qui-Gon: Hi!
Jarari: Hi!
R2-D2: Hi!
Random Person: Hi!
Padmé: Hey!
Everyone looks at her.
Padmé: I mean 'hi!'
SHANANAKIN: You're goofy CG buddy here was about to become a lifeless goo. He picked a fight with a dangerous bully called Sebublug.
Jarari: Wha? Das no true! He makee da up! Meesa pick nutin wit no one!
Qui-Gon: Nevertheless the boy saved you from a well-deserved wooping, thanks my young friend.
The all walk away.
Jarari: Hey dassa no fair! Meesa doin nutin!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A sandstorms abrewin'. Obi-Wan and the Captain stand outside the Queen's ship.
Obi-Wan: Heh heh! Am I good or am I good? This storm otta slow them down! Woo!
Captain: Nice work.
The comlink buzzes.
Captain: Panic-uh!
Voice: What's your favorite scary movie?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shananakin, Padmé, Qui-Gon, Jarari, and R2-D2 are at a stand where an old lady is selling dry banana chips. Qui-Gon is looking around.
SHANANAKIN: Here you'll like these dried bananas.
Qui-Gon puts them in his pocket, Shananakin notices his lightsaber.
Old Lady: Ouch!
SHANANAKIN: What's wrong?
Old Lady: Oh, my bones are achin'. Could mean a sandstorms coming up or it could just mean… I'm old.
SHANANAKIN: If there's a sandstorm coming, you can go to my house.
They go to his house.
SHANANAKIN: Hey Mom! I'm home! I brought four strange people with me!
Shananakin's Mom appears.
Qui-Gon: Hi, I'm Qui-Gon Jinn, your son offered us some shelter.
SHANANAKIN: Wanna see the droid I'm building? Yipee! I'll go show ya PPO!
He drags Padmé to his room, R2-D2 follows.
Padmé: Straight to the bedroom…
Shananakin pulls a blanket off of his creation.
SHANANAKIN: Isn't he great.
Padmé: (sarcastically) He's downright perfect.
C-PPO: Perfect? Hello, I am C-PPO, human-cyborg relations.
R2-D2: Beepedy boop!
C-PPO: R2-D2, a pleasure! I am C-PPO, human-cyborg relations.
R2-D2: Beep toot.
C-PPO: What do you mean I'm 'naked'?
R2-D2: Boody doop.
C-PPO: My PARTS ARE SHOWING? OH MY!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Captain, Obi-Wan, the Queen and her handmaidens are watching Sio Babble on a hologram.
Sio Babble: Death toll-catastrophic. Must bow to there wishes. You must contact me.
Queen: What do you think?
Obi-Wan: I think that was the lowsiest movie I ever saw; I think your really not the Queen and Padmé is; I think Senator Palpatine is really Darth Silliness; I think those two handmaidens of yours are secret lovers; I think that the Captain here should get a different haircut, and I think it's about time you fired that Ricolla guy. I think the message is a trick; I think I need a bigger part in this movie and I think I'm only allowed to talk to any character that's not my Master only once. And I think you should send no reply at all, send no transmissions of any kind.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Obi-Wan is in the cockpit on the comlink again.
Qui-Gon: Sounds like they're trying to establish a connection trace.
Obi-Wan: What if it is true? I just made a complete idiot out of myself. And what if the Naboo are dying?
Qui-Gon: Then we're running out of time… and I doubt we'll get paid either.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two shadowy figures are walking on a balcony on the city planet of Corusnot.
Darth Silliness: Go to Tattospleen and keel the Jedi, then take the Queen to Naboo.
Darth Maul: At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last we will have revenge.
Darth Silliness: Good for you.