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[The next day.]
Buffy: Dammit! Where are Kelley and Spike?
Shelley: (cowers) I don't know! She won't let me tell you!
Buffy: Which is it?
Shelley: Uh…I don't know?
Buffy: (rolls eyes in frustration) Whatever!
Xander: Can we go play again?
Willow: No! Your timeout isn't over for another thirty minutes!
Xander: But why?
Buffy: You guys poured coconut milk in my hair!
Xander: It moisturizes! (smiles) And I thought you liked coconut!
[Buffy glares at Xander. He runs off in fright. Shelley follows suit.]
Angel: (sighs underneath his "Little Mermaid" umbrella and starts whining) I think I'm actually about to start sweating! Why does it have to be so hot? I think my hair might actually get messed up!
Cordelia: Angel, get over it!
Giles: (approaches the group, carrying a half-made coconut radio) Look! I think it's almost finished! (looks around) Where is that strange girl and Spike?
[The group sighs loudly and groans.]
Drusilla: In a cave. Having lots of fun. And we're missing it.
[Suddenly, a large knife cuts through the air and Giles moves his hand away just in time as the coconut radio meets a higher power and ascends to the next plane of existence.]
Giles: Bloody hell! Why did you do that?
[The trouble-maker looks up from under her pith helmet.]
Chantelli: Sorry. I thought it was an alien.
Shelley: (hollers from quite a distance) That's the next island over…due south! Or something.
Buffy: WHO are you?
Chantelli: I'm Chantelli: The Computer Alien Slayer.
[Cue spooky music.]
Buffy: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?
Angel: (articulating with his hands) COMPUTER…ALIEN…SLAYER!
Buffy: I heard her! Sheesh!
[Angel hisses.]
Angel: You're just mad cuz Spike's in a cave with Kelley and you weren't invited.
Buffy: Am not!
Xander: (hollers from a distance) LIAR!!!!!!!!!
Buffy: That's it! (runs off toward Shelley and Xander)
[Painful screams are heard in the distance.]
Chantelli: Well, I better go slay some more aliens. See you guys later. (she waves her machete in the air and disappears in a poof)
Willow: Why can't I do cool stuff like that?
Drusilla: Because Joss owns you…and everyone else too. Kelley and Shelley are only using us for their amusement. Damn the media!
Willow: (looks confused) Who's Joss?
A/N: Two chapters in one day. Go us! This chapter is just way out there. Have fun reading it! And the plot is getting there. We mean it!
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Tara bounced into the lobby of the Hyperion. She was carrying a large plastic bag in her hand. She skipped gleefully over to the table, happy that Angel had allowed her to live in the Hyperion while she was in L.A. Angel, of course, let her live there out of the goodness of his undead heart. Well, that and the fact that the spell she'd put on Xander had caused him a lot of trauma which he found very amusing. He didn't share this with anybody else.
"Chinese takeout!" Tara yelled very uncharacteristically.
She found out that at Angel Investigations you had to yell to be heard.
She set the bag on the table and noticed Angel staring intensely at the parrot that had become a favorite pet amongst everyone not long ago. Everyone except Angel, that is, who was terrified of the "vile" creature. Needless to say, he'd become the butt of many jokes as a result. Angel kept insisting the parrot was of demonic origin and often accused it of speaking in latin chants to him. Tara tried to sympathize with him. She was the only one. She walked over to stare at the bird with him.
"Angel?" She tried to bring him out of his stupor. "What are you looking at?"
"Demon bird," he replied flatly, not taking his eyes off the feathered fiend.
Tara just nodded and smiled, walking away slowly.
She began pulling takeout boxes from the bag and setting them on the table.
Cordelia was the first to come down the stairs. "Did someone say takeout? I'm starving!" She looked over at Angel and rolled her eyes. "What did the bird do now?"
"It's evil," he replied once again not taking his eyes off it.
"Do you know how long he's been staring at it?"
Tara shrugged. "He was staring when I came in."
Cordelia grabbed a takeout box and sat in the nearest chair as Wesley and Fred came down the stairs.
"Hey, Angel. How's Bob?" Fred asked cheerfully.
"It has been speaking latin again." He refused to take his eyes away from the parrot.
"If this bird is some evil presence, why does it only speak latin to you?" Wesley asked.
"It's trying to drive me crazy," Angel said.
"By speaking latin?" Tara asked in amazement.
Gunn finally came down the stairs, playing with a yo-yo, but stopped when he heard how quiet it was. He looked over at Angel.
"Angel, you're lookin' a little ruffled around the feathers there," Gunn said dryly.
Angel turned and glared at Gunn briefly before switching his gaze back to the "evil" parrot.
The takeout boxes were divided up. They began eating quietly and after a moment, realized Angel was still staring at the damned bird.
"Uh, Angel, you gonna join us?" Gunn asked.
"Well, we know you don't eat or anything, or at least no in the literal sense, but maybe it'll help take your mind off the bird," Fred said.
Angel didn't respond. He just stared.
Cordelia sighed. "Angel, you're out of hair gel and they've discontinued that particular brand." She paused. "Angel, for god sakes! Get over here before I move that bird up to your bedroom!"
"What?" Angel's head snapped toward them in alarm, his game face on. Tara jumped. He noticed everyone staring at him in annoyance. "I don't know its evil plot, I just know it has one," he said defensively.
Cordelia glared. "Socialize! Now!"
"Why do you have to be so bossy?" he asked with a sigh as he moved himself away from the cage and toward his friends.
Cordelia shrugged and hungrily shoved another bite of food into her mouth.
*****
"No, no, no, and a resounding NO!" Xander cried fretfully.
He tried to appear manly and forceful, but his dependence on the crutches really did not help matters. He really hated Darla. Next yime she showed up in Sunnydale, he'd break her leg and see how she liked it.
Buffy and Spike looked at each other and rolled their eyes. They'd just gotten back from patrol and to Xander's apartment when the idea came to them suddenly.
"C'mon, Xand. It won't be THAT bad," Buffy said pleadingly. "I'll be here the whole time. It won't hurt a bit."
"Un, excuse me guys. You both have super strength. Of course it's gonna hurt!" Xander cried emphatically.
"We really need to see if it was just a fluke or not," Buffy tried to explain.
"But do you have to experiment on me?" Xander asked in a panic-stricken voice.
"You're the one who started it," Buffy stated.
"But it's not my fault!" Xander screamed. "Anyway, you're the Slayer. You're supposed to protect me from vampires. Not let them hurt me!"
Buffy stared at her shoes, feeling somewhat guilty.
Xander rolled his eyes. As if he hadn't been through enough already, he had to go and make her feel guilty. "I didn't mean it like that," he grumbled. He chided himself. "Fine! Fine. Go for it!"
Spike cracked his knuckles in anticipation. He stopped and tilted his head, looking Xander up and down. He really had been through the wringer. Darla had managed to break one of his legs, cracked a few ribs, caused some internal bleeding, not to mention a wicked bump on his head which was caused by Drusilla in all actuality. He felt kind of bad for having to do this to the boy. No. Wait! He didn't feel bad. Keep telling yourself that you poofter the voice in his head replied. You might even believe it!
"Sit down, whelp," Spike said quickly.
"What?" Xander asked in confusion.
"I said SIT DOWN!"
"Why?"
Spike muttered something incoherently.
"I couldn't hear you," Xander nagged him.
"You're gonna make me bloody say it, aren't you?" He sighed. "I don't want you falling off the crutches. You're banged up enough."
Buffy smiled.
"Not a word, Slayer!"
Spike looked at Xander who was now seated. He grinned evilly, causing Xander to glare.
"Get it over with," Xander muttered.
Spike pulled back his fist and Xander flinched right before receiving a light-by-vampire-standards blow to the arm. Xander only yelped for a moment. Spike just stood waiting for the mind-numbing headache that never came. His eyes lit up in amazement.
"Bloody hell, Slayer! You were right! I can hit the whelp!" he cried cheerfully.
"Goody for me," Xander responded, twirling a finger in the air.
Any comment Buffy had was suddenly stopped by a jerk to her ponytail.
"Ow! You stupid vampire! That hurt!" Buffy cried.
"I can hurt you too!" Spike cried, jumping up and down with the excitement of a five-year-old who had just gotten a candy bar. "Do you know what this could mean?"
"We can be the Three Stooges?" Xander asked sarcastically.
"No. I can defend myself!" Spike replied. "Does this mean I can feed again too?" He looked over at Xander.
"All right! This is where I draw the line! You're not biting my neck," Xander reprimanded.
"Does this mean you'd go back to killing?" Buffy asked thoughtfully.
All three of them got quiet, realizing the scope of their discovery. They all took turns looking at each other.
Finally, their attention was focused on Spike.
"Do you guys really think I'd do that?"
Buffy shrugged.
"I think that if you really wanted to now, you would have found a way around the chip already," Xander spoke up.
Buffy nodded. "We just needed to know for sure."
Spike tilted his head at the Slayer and showed no shred of amusement in Buffy's lack of faith. "Don't worry. I'm sticking to the blood bag diet." He shrugged. "Besides, we don't even know if it's true yet, do we?"
An uncomfortable silence filled the room.
"I guess we should keep this between us for now," Buffy said. "No need to spread panic if it turns out to be nothing."
Both men nodded in agreement.
"I'll be reseach boy…incognito," Xander stated.
"Well, I think that's enough experimenting for tonight," Spike said. "Mind if I crash here for the night, whelp?"
"Why do you even bother asking? All your stuff is here. You take up more storage space than Anya did. Buying blood has become as common as buying milk. You even have my VCR programmed to record Passions. You take all the hot water when you take showers. Why you still consider your crypt home anymore is beyond me. We even spray painted the windows in the guest room black yesterday so you wouldn't get all dusty. What do you want? An engraved invitation? His and his towels?"
Spiked started to say something, but Xander cut him off. "No! We are not getting his and his towels!"
Spike started to say something again and Xander cut him off again. "Don't argue with me, Spike! I'm warning you! I'll hit you with my crutch!"
"I'll hit you back," Spike mumbled.
"I'll steal your blood."
"I'll break into your chocolate stash!"
"You already did that! Be more original!"
Buffy watched them continue to bicker, wondering if she should be jealous. She smiled. She never would have guessed that after learning Spike's chip no longer worked the same way that Xander would invite Spike to live with him. She was amazed by the fact that Spike and Xander had gone from hating each other and quarrelling all the time to liking each other and still acting the exact same way. She wondered if this change was apparent to everyone of if they just let their guard down when she was around.
She was suddenly yanked from her thoughts when she heard Xander cry out for her. She looked at them and saw that Spike now had Xander in a headlock and was giving him a noogie while Xander unsuccessfully tried to get away. She rolled her eyes and laughed.
"You guys act like a couple of five-year-olds! You're worse than me and Dawn!"
"No we're not," Spike protested.
Xander flicked Spike's ear.
"Xander, stop it!" Buffy scolded. "You're gonna hurt yourself again and we'll have to listen to you bitch about it for another two hours."
Xander looked down. "Sorry, mom."
Xander and Spike started to snicker.
Buffy rolled her eyes in defeat. "I'm leaving."
Spike stopped laughing. "Wait!" He ran up to her and gave her a big hug, lifting her from the ground and shaking her back and forth.
Xander began laughing again and Spike put Buffy down. Buffy, at a loss for words, started laughing as well. Apparently, this was Hyperactive Spike. She'd gotten so used to dark and melancholy Spike, so this was kind of hard to take. Not to say she didn't like it though.
She turned and waved as she walked off. "Bye guys!"
"Bye, mom!" the called in unison as the apartment door swung closed.
A few hours later, they'd managed to calm down.
Xander turned off the television and yawned. "I don't know if I can take another commercial for 'Sins of the Father'," Xander complained.
"Well, you're the one that wanted to watch the all night 'Ally McBeal' marathon, whelp."
"I wanted to see the dancing baby."
"Speaking of freakish hallucinations and departing from reality, I need to talk to you about Drusilla."
Xander moaned. "What about Drusilla?"
"She wants to see you."
"I don't wanna see her."
"It's not like she can hurt you, Harris."
"It's not that. She's…weird."
Xander actually couldn't explain the weird feelings he got when he was around her.
"She did protect you from Darla."
"It's not that. It's just…"
"Nervous, mate?"
"No! Well, yeah. She isn't exactly stable, after all."
"Xander, she is kinda lonely right now and you could show her some gratitude."
"Fine. What should I do?" Xander asked reluctantly.