Disclaimer:
[Cordelia and Angel walk back to the middle of the island. It is night now, and he no longer needs his umbrella. The two are holding hands.]
Cordelia: Oh my god, Angel! That was so great! I mean…wow.
Angel: (smirks) I like this island. (looks up at the sky) Thank you, Kelley and Shelley.
Cordelia: (looking up as well) Yeah, thanks! I owe you guys!
Buffy: (glares) Where the hell have you guys been?
Angel: Buffy, do me a favor.
Buffy: What?
Angel: Shut up.
Buffy: (gapes) Huh?
Angel: Let me give you some friendly advice. Get a boyfriend. He'll make you a lot less tense. Or a girlfriend, if you prefer.
Xander: Wow. You got a backbone.
Angel: Yeah, and it only took two years in L.A. and two days or so on a mysterious island.
Drusilla: Did you have fun, Daddy?
Angel: Oh yeah, baby. You should try it sometime.
[Drusilla looks at Xander and smiles. Xander backs up in fear.]
Shelley: (looks up) Kelley, get your ass down here! Me and Xander need a tree!
[Kelley and Spike suddenly materialize.]
Kelley: A tree? What the hell for?
Shelley: Yeah! We need a Swiss Family Robinson house.
Xander: I've always wanted one.
Kelley: You interrupted our fun for this?
Spike: (rolls eyes) Bloody hell. Get it over with fast, pet.
Buffy: PET?!?!?!?!?
Spike: Oh, don't worry. I've got other names for you, Slayer.
Kelley: (snaps fingers) Let there be a tree. (tree mysteriously appears) Anything else?
Shelley: (looks at Angel and smiles) Black umbrella. (elbows Kelley in the side) He's earned it, don't ya think?
Kelley: (looks at Angel and smiles as well) Definitely.
Spike: (looks Angel up and down) Jesus Fucking Christ!
Xander: What?
Spike: No fucking way!
Xander: What?
Spike: You've got to be kidding me! Bloody hell!
Shelley: Leather pants.
Kelley: How ya doin', Angelus?
[Everyone gasps in shock.]
Angelus: Yeah baby. I'm back.
Cordelia: I did notice that you were happier than normal.
[Kelley and Shelley cheer loudly.]
Shelley: Go near Xander and I'll give you your soul back. I do have the power. Well, Kelley has the power actually.
Willow: (brightly) Is she a witch?
Kelley: (laughs) Heh, no. But I have AUTHOR POWER.
[Cue the super hero music.]
Shelley: Ok, let's go work on that tree house, Xander.
Angelus: Don't worry. I'll be good…sort of. You know, we still are the property of Joss. We can't exactly kill them.
Spike: (looks at Kelley) You made a tree. That means we can get back to what we were doing. Let's go!
Drusilla: Have fun! (leaves to help Xander and Shelley build)
[Kelley and Spike disappear.]
Buffy: My life sucks.
Willow: At least I don't have any pets with me.
Cordelia: All right, buster. Break's over. Back to where we came from!
Angelus: Yes, ma'am.
[Angelus and Cordelia walk off, hand-in-hand.]
Giles: Joss owns us. I wish he'd come save us. These authors are obviously psycho. At least they haven't done anything to me yet. (looks around desparately for some wood…to knock on.)
A/N: That's right, ladies and gents. The chapter you've been waiting for! The gang, well most of them, sit down to watch The Princess Bride. Wackiness ensues. You better believe it too. Oh yeah, Dawn's a pervert. Fun times.
*****************************************************************************************
Spike walked up to Buffy's front door and stopped. Instead of knocking, he wiped his sweaty palms on his black jeans. Since when do vampires get sweaty palms? he thought. God! I'm a freak!
He wished he could see his reflection just to make sure his hair looked all right. Oh well. The run-my-hand-through-my-hair-and-hope-it-looks-good method seemed to work pretty well for the past 120 years. Why stop now?
He breathed into his hand to make sure he didn't have blood breath. He smacked his forehead, realizing he was acting just like a horny teenage boy. He hadn't been a teenager for well over a hundred years.
He growled quietly to remind himself that he was a Master Vampire with a
reputation to uphold. That's
right. A badass traitor to his own
kind. At least he was still a
rebel. No other vampire had dared to
try and successfully date the Slayer.
He kicked the small voice in his head that screamed ANGEL.
"Are you gonna stand there all night or are you gonna knock?" the Slayer yelled from the other side of the door.
He rolled his eyes. Damn her spider sense!
"Glad to see I still show up on your vampdar!" he yelled back at her, then knocked.
"Be there in a minute!" she yelled.
"Bloody hell! Why'd you tell me to knock then?"
"It's tradition! Guy knocks, girl isn't ready, guy waits outside!"
He crossed his arms over his chest and began tapping his foot impatiently.
"I can hear that tapping!" she hollered.
"I don't like tradition. Hurry up!"
Almost immediately, she opened the door. His breath, or at least he thought it was his breath, caught in his throat. There was his beautiful slayer.
"You look fantastic, luv!"
Buffy raised an eyebrow and grinned, looking at her clothes. "Spike, I'm wearing sweatpants and a tank top. The elastic in the pants is broken and the shirt is stained in either demon blood or spaghetti sauce. I haven't figured out which."
"So?" he questioned very seriously. "You're still gorgeous."
Buffy didn't quite know what to say to that. She refused to blush in front of Spike, but her face betrayed her. Damn vampire.
Thankfully, he was in such a good mood that he didn't even call her on it.
"Well, uh, let's go to the Watcher's house. If we don't get there soon, there's no telling what Drusilla will teach them," Spike responded nervously.
"So, are we driving or walking?" Buffy asked.
"Walking. My bloody car is still in the shop."
Buffy smiled evilly. Spike became mildly frightened.
"Race you to Giles'!" Buffy cried, suddenly taking off.
"Wait up you cheater!" Spike yelled, running after her.
A whopping minute and a half later, they arrived at their destination, both gasping for breath, reflexively if not literally in Spike's case. They both busted in the door, scaring the hell out of Giles, who was trying to drink his tea.
"Holy fucking Christ!" Giles exclaimed, grabbing the nearest weapon, in this case a six-month-old fruitcake. He smiled when he saw that is was just Buffy and Spike, happy that he at least found his favorite door stop.
"Giles!" Buffy cried in shock and alarm.
"What? I'm not allowed to spew obscenities?" he asked innocently.
Buffy and Spike shrugged and ran upstairs to Drusilla's room.
"We're here!" Buffy announced loudly.
Spike deftly caught the soda can that came careening at his face.
"Thanks, Nibblet," he said, glaring.
"We were wondering when you guys were going to get here! We've been ready for half an hour!" Dawn chided.
Buffy and Spike looked around, seeing Drusilla chained to one side of the bed, Dawn camped out in a nest of pillows on the other side of the bed, and Xander as far away from Drusilla as humanly possible while still being able to see the TV.
Buffy and Spike took their seats on the floor at the foot of the bed. Dawn was generous enough to throw two pillows at their heads.
"Hey! Someone start the movie!" Xander cried.
"What? Is your leg broken?" Buffy asked.
Spike shoved Buffy gently into the pillow as Xander cried an annoyed "YES!"
Spike got up after a few muttered curses and hit the play button. After some annoying previews, the movie finally started.
[Kid coughing. Scene opens with an ancient baseball video game being played.]
"Hey! That's the kid from 'The Wonder Years'!" Spike exclaimed.
"You watched 'The Wonder Years'?" Dawn asked.
"What would you do-oo if I sang out of tu-u-ne? Would you stand up and walk out on me-ee!" Spike began to sing, but was abruptly cut off when Buffy hit him in the head with a pillow.
"Shhh!" Drusilla scolded loudly, waving her hands about. "Miss Edith is trying to watch the movie!"
["Farmboy, fetch me that pitcher!"]
"Vampboy, stake that vampire for me! It's raining!"
"Spike!" Buffy squealed.
"Vampboy, get me that thing from that really tall shelf. I'm too short to reach it!"
"Spike," Buffy said through gritted teeth.
"Vampboy, give me your 'Passions' tape. I'm too embarrassed to tape it myself."
Buffy knocked him over and held a pillow over his face.
Spike muttered something incoherently under the pillow.
"What?" Buffy asked, raising the pillow.
"Vampboy, I'm a stupid slayer and forgot you don't breathe!"
Buffy smacked Spike upside the head and sat up.
["Princess Buttercup!"]
"Pretty girl," Xander commented.
"Stupid name," Buffy scoffed.
"And Buffy's better?" Xander asked.
"Like Xander's any more normal," Buffy retorted.
"At least mine's short for something," Xander shot back.
["We are but poor lost circus performers."]
"We live in a tantric sex tent," Dawn mimicked.
"Dawn!" Buffy cried.
Drusilla giggled. "We dance to the pretty music all night long."
["…no more rhymes now, I mean it!
Anybody want a peanut?"]
"I really like the rhyming game," Xander quipped.
"Everyone always talks the same," Drusilla sing-songed.
Xander stared at Drusilla for a moment. He grinned.
"I think this movie is really great," Xander said.
"The stars like to sing your fate," Drusilla replied, grinning impishly.
"Let's roll out the welcome mat," Xander tried again.
"I think I'll wear his throat as a hat," Drusilla purred.
Xander shot a nervous look at Drusilla. He narrowed his eyes when he heard a female British voice in his head say, That's all I have to say about that! He held Drusilla's gaze a moment longer before erupting into laughter. He laughed so hard his sides hurt. Everyone stared at him.
"Miss Edith made a funny," Drusilla replied, grinning.
"Apparently it was a really funny," Dawn remarked.
["The Cliffs of Insanity!"]
"Oh goody," Drusilla said, clapping her hands.
"The perfect vacation spot for loonies everywhere," Buffy mumbled.
Spike snorted and smacked Buffy's arm in defense of his goddess.
"It's only a model," Dawn said, deadpan.
["I give you my word as a Spaniard."
"No good. I've known too many Spaniards."]
"I've known too many bog-trotting Irishmen," Spike replied in rich sarcasm.
"Oh really? In what sense would that be, Spike?" Dawn goaded.
"Nibblet!" Spike growled.
"Wicked wicked Dawnie. Don't say such naughty things about the boys," Drusilla chided. "It's all in good fun."
"Eeew!" Buffy cried, covering her ears.
Spike smirked. "Where's your mind at, Slayer?"
[During the sword fight, the man in black throws his sword into a convenient patch of grass and does rather impressive acrobatics on a random bar, landing on his feet with a flourish.]
"Ooh, 9.3!" Dawn exclaimed.
"9.7!" Buffy continued.
"8.9!" Xander proclaimed.
"And a whopping 4.7 from the Romanian judge. I think he was busy fiddling with his Orb of Thessulah during the performance," Spike commented.
A collective groan was heard around the room.
["The loser ran off alone…"]"To cry to mama!" Buffy yelled.
["…and the winner followed those footprints toward Guilder…"]
"With a year's supply of Turtle Wax!" Xander hollered.
"Why do they call it Turtle Wax?" Dawn asked.
Everyone was silent for a moment.
"Uh, because they feel like it, Li'l Bit."
"Thanks, Spike. Real helpful," Dawn commented dryly.
["Truly, you have a dizzying intellect."
"Wait till I get going!! …where was I?"]
"Up your butt and around the corner," Dawn interjected.
Xander laughed. Buffy turned around and glared at her sister.
"What?" Dawn asked innocently.
["Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line!" Hysterical laughter. Sudden death.
"Who are you?"]
I'm Maximus Desmus Meridius," Xander answered, knowing full well he screwed up the name.
"You killed my family. Prepare to die," Drusilla finished.
Xander laughed. "You've seen that movie too?"
"All the lovely violence," she said, smiling.
Xander unconsciously moved his chair closer to the vampiress.
["Iocane! I'd bet my life on it!"]"It's odorless you stupid bint!" Spike hollered. "Where do you get such nancy-boy outfits?"
"At the Nancy-Boy store!" Buffy replied cheerfully.
"The Gap?" Spike asked, confused.
"Yeah, the Gap. Good job, Spike!" Dawn remarked.
"I never liked the Gap," Xander said.
"Well, that's bleedin' obvious, whelp."
["Unless I'm wrong, and I'm never wrong…"]
Spike gave the TV screen a two-fingered salute.
"Peace?" Dawn asked, puzzled by Spike's motion.
"Not exactly, Dawn," Spike answered. Buffy glared at Spike. "What? I didn't tell her what it meant!"
["We'll never survive."
"Nonsense! You're only saying that because no one ever has."]
"Why does that sound familiar?" Buffy asked.
"Bring on the Fire Swamp!" Spike cried.
"Yeah! This part is cool!" Dawn cheered.
["I'll most likely kill you in the morning…"]
"Aah!" Spike said, nodding quickly. "I thought you guys had gone 'round the bin in a bloody conspiracy to kill me!"
"Would we do that?" Buffy asked innocently, batting her eyes.
"Yes you would, pet," Spike replied.
"Have a little faith, Spike," Xander told the vampire.
"Xander! Don't ever suggest that again!" Buffy hollered.
Spike shot Buffy a confused look.
["Rodents of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist."
Suddenly, a huge rodent jumps on top of Westley.]
Drusilla screamed in true fright.
Everyone turned around in surprise not know what was happening.
Meanwhile, the little voice in Xander's head returned with a vengeance. Rats! Rats! I hate rats! They're hairy and slimy!
Dawn, who had jumped up from the bed in horror, asked, "What is it? What's wrong?"
Spike frantically tried to figure out what was wrong with Drusilla. Xander grabbed Drusilla's hand.
"It's ok! It's gonna get killed in a second!" Xander tried to stand comfortably on one leg after shooting from his chair, lost his balance and fell half on the bed.
"Really?" Drusilla asked, calming down.
Xander was surprised by how innocent she looked when she was scared. He bet she led many a man into a dark alley that way.
"Yeah, really," he said, pointing at the television. "Watch."
Drusilla clapped when Westley drove the sword into the huge rodent three times. "He slayed the foul beast!"
"Yeah. Go him," Xander said.
["We did it!"]"Wow! You had enough time to do it?" Dawn asked.
"Dawn!" everyone screamed, hitting her with their pillows.
After this, the group lapsed into silence, paying attention to the movie. Buttercup returned to the castle and Westley was sent to the Pit of Despair. Inigo and Fezzik were reunited at last.
["You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. And so I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will." Humperdinck sets the machine to the maximum of 50.
"Not to 50!"
Westley screams out in pain. The entire kingdom can hear his cries. Inigo and Fezzik hear the echoing noise from afar.]
Everyone in the room was quiet, thinking about Prince Humperdinck's words. For Dawn, Buffy, and Xander, who'd seen the movie before, this scene held a different meaning after everything they'd been through. Even Spike, who'd never seen the movie before, heard an echo of truth in the words.
The silence stretched out, but it had to be broken.
"Do it again! Do it again!" Drusilla cried.
The spell of the moment was broken and everyone looked at Drusilla, then burst out laughing. Imagine, identifying with fictional characters like that. They all really needed to get lives.
After that moment, it was all downhill. Everyone giggled at Miracle Max and his wife, guffawed at the priest with the speech impediment, cheered on Inigo when he fought the six-fingered man. Spike complimented Westley on his creative torture idea for Humperdinck.
They all cheered when the movie ended.
"So, what did you think of it, Spike?" Buffy asked.
Spike shrugged. "I read the book."
"There's a book?" Dawn asked.
"Yeah, it's got all those cool parts in it," Xander offered. "It's also got sixteen pages of packing and unpacking."
"Well, there is that extra page at the end where everybody dies," Spike replied.
"Except for me," Drusilla said softly.
Xander glanced at her, an amused look on his face. He was almost certain he could hear strains of Weird Al coming from somewhere. He shook his head. Nah, it couldn't be, he thought.
"Everyone dies at the end?" Dawn asked in dismay.
" 'Fraid so, Li'l Bit."
"So, anyone wanna watch another movie?" Buffy asked. She couldn't believe she was willingly spending all this time with her sister, one of her best friends, and two evil vampires.
"Sure, why not?" Spike answered.
Buffy smiled. "I've got the perfect one."
Two hours later, the end credits of "Beaches" were playing. Buffy and Dawn were giving each other tissues. Spike was trying not to gag.
"Wind beneath my wings. Now I get it," Spike muttered. "You wanted to torture me slowly, didn't you?"
Buffy smacked his arm half-heartedly. "You're [sniffle] a [sniffle] pig," Buffy sputtered, trying to stop the tears.
Spike took pity on her and gave her another tissue.
"Uh, guys?" Dawn said, trying to get their attention.
"Yes, Platelet?" Spike asked, attempting to hold back his laughter while Buffy dabbed at her eyes with a kleenex.
"Look," Dawn said, pointing to the side of her.
Buffy and Spike turned around.
Xander was sprawled on the bed, his injured foot in the chair. He was asleep. Drusilla sat beside him, idly playing with a piece of his hair. Buffy almost thought it was cute, except for the fact that he was laying next Drusilla, and she was evil of course.
"I guess he's not afraid of her anymore," Dawn said.
"Dru, did you hypnotize the whelp?" Spike asked.
"No," she answered indignantly.
"Dru?" Spike growled.
"He won't go in my eyes," she responded, glaring at Spike.
"Huh?" Buffy asked. It was late after all.
"He's immune…somehow," Spike clarified.
Buffy just shook her head. She'd think about it tomorrow.